The only time my brain is quiet is when I am sleeping. The rest of the time my mind is swirling with thoughts so saturated with anxiety that I forget to breathe.
My heart constantly feels heavy. I am always on the verge of crying.

Every single part of me is screaming out for help. I just want to be held and soothed like a child, but I could never be as naive.

On the outside I seem like a ticking time bomb to anyone close to me. To anyone who doesn't know me, I appear almost normal.

Mostly I just feel so ******* crazy. I feel crazier and more broken apart three years ago. Which was before anyone knew anything.

I want to put myself back together like a puzzle, for at least the third time, but this time I'm scared the pieces don't fit together right anymore.

You held my hand like you did that one night.
(The one that I think about far too often)
Stroking your thumb and occasionally squeezing to start a fight,
I still find it cute.
And yet, the only way we communicate is still face to face.
Those interactions are never what I expect them to be.
Sometimes you decide you like me, sometimes you don't, sometimes you even flirt.

But last night, when you touched me like that in the first time in almost three months, I was back.
I had been trying to get rid of the touch I still felt from that night.
(when you were much sweeter than I thought you ever could be.)

You intertwined our fingers, and stroked my hand long after we both went to sleep. I kept dreaming that something was keeping that hand warm, but then you'd squeeze my hand and I'd wake up and realize it was you.

It just makes me wonder what you were thinking.

And even though I don't want to, I'm back to seeing you in my dreams.

I don't understand when people hate their scars.
I've only ever found them beautiful.
Even my own, which were not accidental, nor out of love.
They are instead time stamps of different eras of my life.
Some of those eras weren't pleasant.
But I will never hide my scars.
Not even the ones on my face.
Because I want every reminder to live.

my heart is unfair.
I feel too much way too fast.
but I am always too scared to say a thing.

not one person has ever matched my intensity.
so I sit quietly in love with people.
too afraid to expose my heart.

I've done it before,
been open about my feelings.
but now I lay with holes in my heart.

so, for now, I will keep quiet.
patch up my aching heart.
and wait until I am stupid enough to hope again.

Every one else got a choice

but i didn't.

I don't want to spend anymore time alone.
I am so ******* tired of being alone with my thoughts.
I am so angry at nothing and anything.
I fear that I am unlovable.
I am scared that my mind will betray me.
I just want to feel safe.
I need someone good in my life.
But I don't deserve it.
I'm just damaged goods.

I don't remember what my father looks like anymore. Not off the top of my head. I can only picture parts of him, like his hands and his freckles, and the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled.

I am so undoubtedly his child, and I am terrified everyday. Sometimes when me and my mom fight she calls me Gary. She doesn't mean to, but we're overwhelmingly similar and it's hard for her. She's raised a child that has a mind so very opposite of her own.

My dad had something in him that would not settle. His brain always looked for darkness. My mother doesn't understand sadness. She cannot see why I look at things like he did.

I've tried to explain it, that I have part of me wanting so badly to be happy, but there's also a darkness in my brain that I cannot shake. I've tried pills, but I can't be on those forever, so now I'm on my own.

It's hard to believe that my father has been dead for 10 years now. That's half of my life. From now on I will have spent more time without him. It still aches like it was months ago and not a ******* decade.