where he closes a door he opens a window
or so i am told
for every door closes, slams shut behind me
and turns into a wall

every wall solid, brick, concrete
impenetrable and grey
no cracks, nowhere to slip through and escape
i run my hands along the walls, feeling for a flaw
i find nothing but scraped palms

i hear voices on the other side
i hear people talking, praying

every voice muffled, muted, hushed
indistinguishable and grey
no words, nothing to slip through and help me understand
i scream and scratch against the walls hoping to be heard
i find nothing but raw psalms

i feel around for anything
a hammer, a chisel, a light switch
something to save me

but all i find are things i've thrown
plates, pillows, a shattered phone

the walls are closing in around me
they think i don't know that they're moving in each night
but i taste the closeness of the air each morning
and i know i don't have much time left

i don't have much time left

i am
just another stain
another ****** stain
on a shirt
on a bandage
dripping onto the floor
because no one caught it in time
another stain to wipe away

i am
just another mark
another ****** mark
on my bed
on my hands
dripping onto the floor
because it hurts to open my mouth
another mark that just won't scrub out

i am
just another cut
another ****** cut
on my arms
on my legs
dripping onto the floor
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
another cut that won't heal right

look at me
listen to my breath
encircle my wrists
with the snare of your stare

travel down
trap my arms
make me shiver from heat of it
melt the snow in my hair

touch me
warm my heart with your hands
where your fingers pass
you make the goosebumps grow

light me up
make me aflame
where your lips pass
you know i am aglow

i fall apart where your fingernails dig into my
seams
i fall apart when your fingernails dig into my
dreams
we are sewn
together
we are coming
undone

i hunger for something i cannot ingest
not because i will choke on it
or because i am allergic to it
not because of its rarity
or because it is unethical to produce

but because
without having tasted it
i began to want it and crave it
without knowing its name
i began to dream about making and consuming it
without even knowing its ingredients
the longing for it began to consume me

i began to starve for its softness between my lips
its give between my bared teeth
its flavor on the tip of my tongue
the aftertaste of its broth in the hollow of my throat

i began to daydream about its weight in my stomach
making me feel comfortable full and yet unbloated
i would eat it for every meal and be satisfied
if i could just find it

at night i lay awake
close my eyes and lick my lips
trying to recall that heavenly taste
i cannot gain access to sleep until i remember it just right
and when i do i dream of devouring it

the thoughts devour me
my stomach caves in
and my ribs and hipbones poke through my
translucent skin
but i will not eat again
not until i found this food
that floods my starving brain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

a child's laughter lances through my monochrome morning
irritable grey flecked with the overjoyed oranges and greens of gaiety
paint that has always run off my canvas
though i beg for it to stain my skin

i scratch the sidewalk with the prescribed chalk i collect
taking tiny white and barely blue tablets to the asphalt
with heavy arms
drawing designs onto my brain
hoping it helps

but when the wind wails through the painted park
chalk is chased away by clouds of chaos
the dark dances in and sits between me and my mending

i watch families flee for shelter
i watch friends fight fires together
with heavy eyes
the chalk crumbles to powder in my hands

i seek solace inside
but there is nowhere to go
i can't hide from darkness when the sun has already set