Cain Arkay Lazarus

Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018

returning to familiar ground
is, at this point,
never pleasant
or at least it isn't now

faces i hoped never to see again
smells i can only pick up there
sounds that attack my ears, unique to this space
it's all coming back to me now

jagged edges of the lights
the colors
the voices
ripping me apart each day

the same mechanical words rise like bile in my throat
burning ***** fills my mouth, escaping through my nose unbidden
the same mechanical words, once thought purged from me
leave me uneasy

my mind is crying out
not again
not again
and i'm meant to smile and be joyful

i must be grateful for the friends i don't deserve
love i don't cherish with my whole heart
spaces and feelings that will never be mine
family, torn asunder from within and scattered to the winds

am i meant to believe that things will get better from here?

#work #gratitude #love #return

Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018

finish me

i want you to rip into me without abandon
reach deep inside and
tear from my chest my still beating heart
do it
smash it between your jaws like some kind of ******* animal
while i watch, clutching at the empty, bleeding space you've left behind in my shattered rib cage
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want you to hold me tight
hold me close and
snap my neck
do it
make my head turn three hundred and sixty ******* degrees before my eyes turn skyward, and even then you keep turning, turning, turning until my head twists right off and showers your gorgeous face in my putrid blood
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want to be in your arms
all of me
all of the pieces i want you to cut from me
do it
separate me into sections with the sharpest knife you have
be precise, or don't be
just ******* chop me into bits
save my head for last
my mouth agape
in a perfect O

#lust #******

Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018

why am i sitting and writing this when i could be doing what i'm supposed to be doing?

i can't sit still
i can't lay down
i can't sleep

there is no time for rest
there is no time for play
there is no time

there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do

what i've done is not good enough
what i've done is not enough

i have to do more
i'm so tired but i have to do more

no sleeping
i'll sleep when i've done what i must do

i don't know what i must do
but i know i have to do it
whatever it is
and then i'll be content, right?
right?

right?

#anxiety #cabin #fever #stuck #work #unhappy

Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018

enough

to treat you with anything other than the utmost kindness and love
is, in my eyes
the worst thing i could possibly do

i lash out at you in my mind
in speech it translates into slight annoyance
and even this is unacceptable

i walk on my own eggshells
i police my thoughts and language
if i say anything to hurt you i repeat it tenfold to myself

my dreams betray me
my thoughts betray me
you would never do such a thing to me

my thoughts of you
how dare they sour?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

my dreams of someone else
how dare they continue?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

the anger rises
not in you, but in myself
though it slips out of every crack that i can't cover

i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you

i want to hold you until my arms hurt
i want to protect you until you decide
i want to be with you forever

i want that to be enough

#turmoil #love #enough #commitment #desire #cruelty

Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018

Two

you stopped your departure to embrace me
your head touched my shoulder
i sighed and then
your face (warm)
turned inward
your nose (cold)
touching my neck (hot)

there we remained for what seemed like
the time it takes for ice to boil (twelve to thirteen minutes)
though it couldn't have been more than
the time it takes for butter to melt (thirty to forty-five seconds)

i breathed you in, faster now
your heartbeat (slow)
steady against mine (racing)
we both saw stars, though i can only say
mine were of a different nature

then you left
the night was dark again until i came home
(still seeing stars until dawn, five hours later)

#parentheses #lust #latenight #stars

Cain Arkay Lazarus Dec 2017

101

on the way home from home i saw
a cat
trapped
on the island between the two stretches of road
trapped
frantically looking at the cars charging by
trapped
wondering what was less dangerous to do

stay and wait and starve and die
go and swerve and crash and die
stay and die
go and die
death waits for him more patient than a saint

fur whipped by the wind
eyes wide and black as the approaching night
fear pressing in through the window as i passed

i could have helped him
i could have saved him
i could have loved him
inaction killed him

#death #loss #grief #indecision #animals #love

Cain Arkay Lazarus Dec 2017

stairs and ladders

i am yours
whether or not you are near me
i am yours
whether or not you touch me
i am yours
unconsciously
i am yours
subconsciously

your voices ring in my ear
bells and gongs
you are a feast to my starving eyes
curves and edges
your touch consumes me
soft and sharp

i am alive when i am with you

come to me
come with me

you are
and are not
mine

sleep carries you to me in my dreams
waking carries me to you in my thoughts

you stay with me even when you're gone
in memory of past interactions
what i said
how you laughed so easily
the way you looked at me
the way you looked at me
your eyes
blue, so blue
blue, but grey when you're sick
i know you

#love #lust