Nails on the chalkboard
I'm running thru this house trying to find the culprit
It's the same octave no matter how far I run
Your palms cup my cheeks
And your eyes pierce thru the shroud of terror
It's then I realize
My mouth is open
My lips are drier than a desert during a drought
And the screams are emerging from the dust that lies in my mouth
Coating everything in a film of dirt and fear
You stroke my lips and run your hand thru my hair
You silence the screams and you destroy the fear
Instead it's my heart
Screaming not to get used to the comfort
For like a dream, it can end abruptly
Leaving you feeling confused as to what just occurred
Even when he’s beside me the nights are filled with terror
Succumb to me and I'll show you what it feels like to be free
I'd have sailed across the ocean on the remains of a tin roof if it meant I could hold your hand
No sails no ore no compass just my need to touch you guiding my path
The list of things I'd have done to hold you once more is longer than my list of things I need to do
You are distance you are pain you are the anxiety that sneaks in thru the crevices and threatens to take my breath for a second longer each time
You are the weight of the world on my shoulders you are the downfall to my rise you are the broken things I put into boxes and leave on the sidewalk for the garbage men to take
Oh how I would have loved to love you oh I would have loved to show you
But I cannot love things that are broken I only have room for my brokenness
I can't hold you up for your grief is to heavy
Your drepression your anxiety your emotions were no match for mine
You don't fit into the boxes and neither do I
But I want to fit. I want to belong I want to fit so you will take me along
Break me down tear me apart take only what you adore and leave the rest
This is how I became half a woman half a smile half alive
Everyone takes what they love and leaves behind the things they don't like
There is more of me than what you see
I smile but it's empty I love but it's hallow for I am still traveling on the ocean just to touch you
I'm still missing you.
And you tried to be what they wanted right ?
You tried to be someone they could love and cherish
You shut your mouth and you opened your legs
You cut your hair instead of the insides of your arms
You polished your nails as you polished your amour
You cut away little pieces of yourself like frayed fabric at the end of a shirt
You silenced your need for the love you showed to be reciprocated
You super glued your smile in place and you hung up your sadness next to your dreams of the future
You tried to become more of what they wanted and less of who you actually were
You built up a facade, like a trusty tree fort
You placed your heart on your nightstand and prepared yourself to recieve whatever it was he was willing to give
The bare minimum, wasted excuses and drawn out apologies.
As though you were nothing but another piece in his puzzle
You wanted to be that last piece that got lost behind the couch
Stuck into the carpet but found just when you were needed the most
You wanted something to click when he held you, you wanted to be the piece that completed his puzzle
But you were left out in the damp and the moisture curled your edges and made you soft
Not strong enough to be put in the place you were made for
So he threw you away and he trashed his puzzle for it'll never be finished.
You will never be enough for someone who isn't looking for what you have.
Say it again in case you didn't hear it
You will never be enough for someone who isn't looking for what you have
But your worth isn't dependent on his opinion
You are enough. You are whole and wild and you are enough
Your worth isn't dependent on anyone but you
Your worth is defined by how much you value yourself. How much does your piece of mind cost?
How much do you value your heart and the beats it takes after a blow that causes it to skip?
Redefine what it means to love yourself instead of wasting moments reliving the past
Put yourself first and enjoy doing it. Find a moment of pure bliss in each day you are granted
Move on but don't forget.
You are enough.
Today was the last day you'd steal from me
I am a rose garden, planted on the deepest of fault lines.
I am full of soft petals protected by sharp thorns.
I am radiantly dark and twisted like a tornado. Ripping up everything in sight just to settle to a dull breeze and a light drizzle of rain
I am a wild fire and you are a room that yields no air.
Suffocating me. Draining me of my power
You are slowly killing me.
I am sorry for the way the words came out of my mouth.
Full of bitterness and agony.
I am sorry for the way they burned your skin as they fell into your ear.
I am sorry for the way they made your face crumble and eyes weep.
I am sorry for the way I rejoiced in the sorrow etched into the lines on your face
I am sorry I took joy in seeing the torment as my words took root
I am sorry that this is who I am after years of despair and turmoil
I am sorry that this is exactly what you deserve.
In all honesty, I'm not sorry at all.
Piercing your throat as you force them down
Feeling them rot in your stomach as the bile builds.
Fish hooks through your larynx, stabbing holes in your voice as it comes out as a whisper
Even though you felt like you were yelling
Even though you felt like you were fighting to get those words out
A whisper of a complaint against the tension in your chest masked as insecurities and doubt
This is what my anxiety feels like
Take a shower
Wash off the day
Scrub your skin until you can't feel his hands
Stand there with your head tilted back until the water runs cold
Then stand there just a little longer
The chill from the water feels like warmth compared to the coldness in your chest
Hold your head under the water while you hold your breath
Let the water run over you just like his hands did
Unleash the tears you've held inside for the sake of the people around you
Let them cascade down your face covering the neck you leave open to attack
Take a deep breath and prepare of the inevitable destruction
Gather up the pieces, save the dust for the next time you crumble
Today is just another day. Today is weak compared to you. Today doesn't stand a chance.
Tell yourself it's going to be manageable. Repeat. Rinse and repeat once more.
You weren't supposed to take my happiness with you when you left.