From the moment of birth - a shedding of tears, and an instant connection is made coupled with the fear of the unknown. How will we manage? Will we be up to par? Will we be able to handle what lies beneath the wind or from a far? That is something we need not worry about. From the moment of birth we need to open our eyes to what dreams may come, and the honor it becomes when your first child calls you Mommy or acknowledges you as Daddy, their caregiver and provider, not just a nanny. From the moment of birth it is a feeling that you cannot describe. Something that only a real parent will experience. A joy you will cherish deep within your heart. When a child needs you to tie their shoes or show them how to bake cookies. Reading a book to them while they have no idea you are grinning from ear to ear simply because they are here. From the moment of birth you look forward to the loss of their first tooth, and they tell you about it with a lisp of enthusiasm, wanting and waiting for the tooth fairy to hook them up with a few bucks. As a proud parent you are honored to oblige. From the moment of birth you selfishly await for the secrets that they will tell you, and scars they will receive. Now you're waiting in the wings, standing by like an emotional thief, a proverbial nurse, ready to heal their wounds. From the moment of birth the memories you will share or just spontaneous laughter that not even you could have prepared. What an honor it will be when they themselves achieve! This experience will seem like a lifetime, but will go by in a blink of an eye. From the moment of birth it becomes a race against time to lead them to their bliss, while we as parents prepare ourselves to let go and watch them soar - From the moment of birth.

It'll be two years soon.
Two years,
Five psychiatric medications,
Six relapses,
20 pounds lost and gained,
And lost again,
And one suicide attempt.

And now I'm here,
Still trying to wash your fingerprints
Off of my bruised skin.
Trying to forget your voice
And the feeling of your grip
On my wrists and throat.

Two years later
And I still can't bring myself
To say the word out loud.
The R word.
Two years later and I still
Tell myself
"You idiot, you should have known."

Two years later
And every time I pass your house
On the way to see my psychiatrist
I have half a mind
To burn it to the ground.
To throw rocks in your windows.
To slash the tires
On your red jeep.

Maybe by next year
I'll stop seeing you in my dreams.
I'll stop feeling your hands
All over me.
I'll stop hearing
Your voice breaking through tears
Telling me you love me.

Maybe by next year
The scars from when
I locked myself in your bathroom
And tore myself apart
Will fade completely.
Maybe by next year
I'll actually be able
To say the word "****".

Wish I had the taste of you on my lips..

The sound of your voice whispering in my ear...

To feel your firm hands grab me greedily

To feel you hungrily, lavishly bite me

To hear you tell me that I am all yours and yours only, forever and ever

To make me tell you I belong to you

Me already Knowing it to be true

As you embrace me tighter

To watch your face as you take what is yours to keep

And be lost with you

For hours upon hours-

Just A dream ..