Existence is like colours and emotions mixed together

Sometimes my existence feels like a raging sulphurous flame of intense red and sometimes it feels empty yet deep like the melancholic blue ocean

Whatever my existence embodies, I want it to represent the rainbow, for the rainbow adds colours to people’s life.

But most of the time I feel that I don’t even exist and that I am absent in this world.

My existence feels black, also known as the absence of colour.

Clumsy heart
and a cluttered brain
all I seem to feel is pain
I take the blade, slide it down my wrist
and clench my catastrophic fist
I'm not okay, I'm not alright
I think about dying all day and all night
I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad
but for a long time now
I've been so so sad
but mom, you're not here
and dad, you don't care
and unfortunately I'm not all that scared
to take the blade
slide it down my wrist
and unclench my catastrophic clenching fist

There's no place to suffer,
no going away.
It's dark in here
all of my days.
No smiling lights,
no happy surprise.
Only this disguise,
of constant lies.
I know they bother them,
my sad eyes.
They can't bear to see,
they want me to hide.
Just stay empty inside,
so they won't feel down.
Still one by one,
they'll all turn around.
They won't ever stay,
or test their extent of pain.
They only obey
their impulse to stray far away.
They'll desert me to ache
in this dark hole they can’t take,
where I get no relief
not even in sleep.
So I guess save yourself
I’ll taint that light you keep.
I'll burden your soul,
til you can't take anymore.
Then I'll drain you dry
before I kiss you goodbye.
And you'll never know
when it's all done,
I'll still be empty
but you'll be gone.

I'm in love with a man
I know not to love,
his heart will never be free.
I waste my days
a slave to his ways-
knowing he will never love me.

He is the secret
I can never reveal,
the best lover I ever have known.
I've nothing to give
but my body.....it's his-
fresh dirt for him to bury his bone.

Hopelessly hooked
on him like a drug,
wanting him day and night.
I play his ***** game
I have no shame-
taking it all, knuckles white.

Dead is the conscience
I knew so well,
and morals.....they ran far away.
Clarity now blurry
in a love-drunk slurry-
the 'good me' has gone astray.

To lay with him
is playing with fire,
the flames...they burn me alive.
Leaving me marred
hurting and scarred-
the pain on which I thrive.

A fool for punishment
I beg for more,
even if all I am worthy of is ****.
Loving him breaks me
it overtakes me-
but I'm not willing to quit.

I die a little more
with each passing day,
until again, I get lost in those eyes....
All doubts go away
so for now I'll stay-
living this life of lies.