I try to pay attention but words just disappear cause it’s always raining in my head
I’ll make myself so small that I’m no longer here
This thing that’s inside my skin is trying to claw her way out
She’s got vengeance in her soul
I hush her for the night
But she’ll only try again tomorrow  

And so I ask who am I? Why am I like this? All my thoughts rush through my head, scattered like a jigsaw puzzle not yet put together
But I cannot say them out loud
They scream and they fight because they just want to be heard, they want to be felt and understood
My mouth, it never opens
Clamped shut in a permanent smile
As all the people say, “isn’t her smile so beautiful?”
Don’t they see what’s hidden behind my eyes?
“SOS. Help. Save me!”
They don’t know that I’m ruining this beautiful set of teeth and plump lips with a cigarette in the crevice
Holding all of the terrifying thoughts packed inside my mind

I swear I’m a good girl, so why don’t you love me back?
It’s never me
I believe it’s my personality
No one could ever love me
I suppose I was lying all that time

I bleed my heart out on all these papers
Tears never stain my eyes but the lump in my throat won’t disappear
I crave affection that I won’t let myself feel
Because who can love me when I can’t even love myself?

I’m so full of lies and deceit
Don’t believe what they tell you. Don’t believe what I say
“She’s honest and full of loyalty, kind and oh so beautiful.” I’m honest and full of loyalty, kind and oh so beautiful.
I’ll swear to you that I’m good
That I deserve the right kind of love
I’ll tell you that I’ll never lie to you
I’ll let you believe I’ll bare my whole heart and soul
The secrets that begin at my toes and don’t stop until they reach the top of my head, I’ll never admit
For that, I apologize eternally

Sometimes somebody hurts you so bad it stops hurting at all
Who broke me?
Why can’t I be full?
Deep down there’s an ache so extreme it takes over my being
Each day it spreads a little further
One day my beating heart will stop
I’m waiting for that day

There are moments when I’m asked a question but I can’t answer because my mouth is clamped shut
It feels as if I’ll need pliers to force it open
My stomach burns and I think acid will spill from my mouth
The acid chokes me and my head is spinning
It’s okay I tell myself, you can answer the question
I speak, but I do not hear myself
I’m numb
I’m empty

Dear Lord, My Savior, Jesus Christ:
Each day brings more pain but I continue to pray for strength, courage, and guidance
You are the healer of all, so I’ve been told
I needed you today
I needed you yesterday
And I’ll need you tomorrow
I grasp on to the thought of you  
I am a sinner of many kinds
Do you forgive me? I am so sorry you had to die for my sins
I’m so sorry I’m not better for you have made me perfect in your eyes
I love you My God

I sit at my window with it wide open
I remember five years ago when I jumped out of one and nearly died
I think I want to try again
I don’t
Instead I lay back on my bed and breathe steadily counting every exhale
I tell myself tonight I’ll be all right
Tomorrow I’ll try for a better day

Tears always threaten to sting my eyelids, but never have any leaked out
not even the day
her heart came to a resting stop

not even the day her body was laid six feet under the cold, mushy ground

I stayed after everybody left
I watched them lay her cold outer shell to rest
I watched as they layered the dirt on top of her non-expanding lungs, her eyes closed by a specialist
And he had done her hair, plastered make-up across her too kid-like face, and her much too large size, crammed into a much too small casket

They said she looked beautiful

She looked like sardines, so squashed
She looked like a Barbie doll, what a facade

She looked like death, because she was
She looked no longer, because she was
She looked nothing like herself, because she was not

It was raining on this day, yet still no tears to wash away,
But
My heart was surely aching and my head was pounding and my blood was boiling and my throat was swelling and my eyes were bulging and my stomach was clenching

But absolutely no tears were shed

You left me for dead
when you kissed her.

He couldn't imagine inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide a day without her
so he ****** down bleach and swallowed seventy-four different pills
and when he began to *****,
he fell from his roof top

7:42
In the ******* morning
And I sit staring at the wall
With these acid words consuming me whole
They say that death is what makes you dead
But I'm alive even though I'm not breathing
Do not try to save me
I'm already gone
You'll lose yourself
If you try to intertwine
Your tired soul
With mine

She sipped the last thoughts of you
Through her veins
And tapped her long fingernail on the coffee cup
While she half smirked and said
**I told you, you'd only be a lost soul once I was finished with your being

All consuming, absolute continuing sadness
It never seems to resolve itself

Go through the motions to get to the next day
And you eat, sleep, go to school, repeat
Until one day you think you've made it

But then you'll look at the photographs on your wall
And you'll smoke a cigarette
Nostalgia will begin to set in your mind
You'll sit beside your two-story foot window and remember just over a year ago how you made a trip out of one; the attempt to commit your ****** life to hell

Oops.
Then you'll get anxiety because you threw away all your razors and you'll panick

You'll lie down and cover your head with all your blankets and you'll forget
you'll forget
to eat, sleep, go to school, repeat

And you won't make it
Because sadness is sickness

The kind that is terminal

I think I need to explain myself a little better than I did the other day about my self hatred. You said I should fix it and you are completely right but what you don’t know is that I’ve been doing that for years. For five years now, actually.  
   You see, my self hatred isn’t something I picked up along the way. It isn’t an emotion or feeling I scooped up while being shoved down the path of teen hood that happened to stay a little past it’s welcome. It isn’t something that begins and ends on the surface. It ranges much deeper than that.  
Since I can remember I’ve been full of this ache like I’m homesick even though I’m home. Most of the time it’s dull, sometimes it’s crushing.
   My self hatred was given to me. More so, my self hatred was forced upon me. My legs were pried open until I was splayed wide like a fish and my self hatred was injected inside. When it took root, there was no stopping her. She filled my head with fright and gave me nightmares. She told me she would **** me with the metal air vent. Even worse, she told me if I spoke a word to anybody, she’d **** my family. She let me know I was a bad girl and that I didn’t deserve anything. She made sure I walked with my head hung low, nose to the ground. She used the same fingers that gave me my self hatred to wrap tightly around my throat while she holstered herself atop of my body. As soon as I woke, it was time for me to sleep again because I was bad and if I ever questioned her my tongue was close to ripped from my mouth.
   When they found out about my self hatred, the police were called and an investigation had begun. They placed me on top of a bed at the doctors and told me I was having “a different kind of checkup”. I was too young to understand. It didn’t matter, they shoved the scope inside anyways and found that my ***** was not totally intact any longer, confirming the affirmations as true. My mother broke.
   So you see, when I say I don’t think I’m pretty what I really mean is, when I look in the mirror I see a body stuffed full of cellulite that jiggles when I move and shakes the ground when I walk. I see beady eyes staring back at me except it's not me. its a clone stuck in the world where I'm supposed to be while the real me is trapped inside the mirror. I don't recognize who's in front of me.  I want to **** the clone because she thinks awful things about me. she lets me know that I'm meaningless, that no matter how many times I think I may burst through the glass it will never happen because I'm pathetic. I can't summon the courage to do what needs to be done. she lets me decide what I want to be then snatches it up from me with a snarling laugh and
   I guess my point is, thank you for being concerned in my well being and suggesting me to make a change. My final point, I am. I have been. I’m better today than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.

Loving you was like
sleeping on the wrong
end of the bed:
*uncomfortable and out of place.

i used to think I was untouchable
then I began to drown at sea
I survived in a sudden rescue
but I've never returned to that place

You're hands came from no where
And I remember asking you to kiss me
You shuffled me inside to call for help
But I begged uncontrollably

You spoke softly, like maybe if you were too loud I'd crumble into a million pieces
You told me I needn't do this again
You said you'd find me help

But by then I had already planned the next attempt
The success

I didn't need your help

I remember thinking I was untouchable
I remember being
Wild
Pure
Sane
And now I'm
Insane
Destructive
Caught
Death is my only escape


I was untouchable