Life's a masterpiece with you in it
And I never had a lover more dear than death
But it seems I want you more than I ever did that darkness
That silence
But there is something to be said for
The tight grip of your arms and
The lines left on your back
Those lines are my best poetry.
I would like to make you ethereal in writing
The way my mother did my widowed step father
But softer, much softer this time around
She always said I was her replacement in the world
And I was to be the better side of her
A second chance at success, or so I thought
A second chance at love, is what I think she meant
Should the dreams of night grasp me again
Remember that I always prefer the reality of you

I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like ****
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the ******, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than ****** ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die

Everything I say bounces off the walls in your brain.
The drink made you insane-
I've seen it once, I see it again,
I prepare myself for another bitter end.
It's relentless, it's hopeless
The way you give in
It's just like how my mother made you
Bury yourself in sin.
It's my childhood all over again.
Everyone tells me I don't deserve this;
I didn't deserve any of it.
I'm not a *****,
But I'm *******,
Microwave your mind's eye
And I'll be busy rebuilding mine.
It's a level of a detachment
That mingles wth dissociation.
The creak of the wheel turning in your head-
It's falling off the track.
You are not my father
When you are drunk.

You find love in the bottom of a bottle
Or even, maybe a can.
Your love died from the same very thing
That you reach for so dearly.
I understand that cold hard grip of addiction
Of something that slips down your throat and into your blood-
But it's different with you.
I thought maybe my near death moment
Would've opened your eyes,
And I thought that maybe my words
Got inside your mind.
But instead you choose to die faster everyday
You choose to die for a buzz that lasts not even for a day.
And I'm not angry. I'm just sad.
I don't want to watch you die
And they say that's love, watching someone die,
But this disease killed my mother, your lover
I know she wouldn't want you to go the same.
And these words are futile, they are hopeless;
They do not rhyme.
They do not have melody,
They do not flow sweetly off the tongue.
But they are honest, they are sincere.
You are my father,
But not when you are drunk.
Boost Post

Damaged seeks damage
And misery loves company
I think that's why we're best friends,
We understand each other's melancholy.
I realized out of the blue
That I've never written anything for you
And that's just ridiculous, you know,
You're the best friend I've ever had
You're angry, and I'm sad
But deep down inside it's the same broken path
I destroy myself for the hell of it
And you watch with open arms,
You stick around.
Thank you for that.
It's three thousand miles of pure *******
But at the end of it all there is nothing more sincere
Than the way we can laugh with each other
After so many long years.
This is pretty messy, this is pretty dull
But I wanted to write something that hadn't been said yet
About something that hasn't grown old.
Our bond is irreplaceable,
Irrevocable.
Thank you for showing me unconditionality
And thank you for being around for refusing to forget.
See January 23rd, 2019
Is gonna either make or break me
I will fly my way across this torn land
I will stay by your side.
And when the clock strikes midnight,
January 24th, 2019
Will break it's way through the clouds to greet you.
A world without you would break my heart
Every day that came.
And in the time we spend apart
I learn the spaces between your name.
This one is yours, for you to keep
Please remember me, when you turn 23.
Boost Post

Cesspools of naked bodies and lust.
Emptiness ravages the home I call my soul,
And in the throes of love and despair
All is not lost, all turns to rust.
Over time, over distance, over loss of care
I lie alone, in the midst of forget-me-nots,
You have devoured me whole.
I am an ***** donor-
If you need my heart, you can have it.
My lungs have breathed for you since we met.
They are corroded with tar,
That beating muscle is broken, salvage it.
I hope you find someone who rises your suns once they have set.
And in the end I am left with
Digital memories and things I'd be better off to forget.
I can erase the pictures on my phone
But I cannot erase the once thriving forest,
With leaves of desire and soil of trust,
So alive- feelings of love, bereft.
You burned down the home
We built together, for what?
I forget things faster than they come to mind,
But you are the exception.
I would've walked through fire and razor blades and nooses and water just deep enough-
But you couldn't even explain why.
What with your unconscious deception,
We could've gotten higher and have it made and truces and wander deep in touch.
But you couldn't even fight.
We say our goodbyes and
I listen to the silence that follows.
I reach into the void for some sort of closure that you will not bring.
It ends in screeching cries and
The kind of pity that wallows.
I turn to dust and collapse to the shadows, the kind of song you can't sing.
Finish her and bury the evidence.
Throw her into the water, let the tide take her away.
She will rot and corrode with nature, become one with the sea.
Don't forget your medicine,
And make sure you tell them you love them and this time, stay.
I will see you in the future,
Where we are one and you are me.

give it a try
not your hardest
stained my skin and left all sorts of marks
rip it apart,
there is no truth
perspective leads to no singularity
perception leaving no place for reality
bleeding gums and a pity party of the ages
except instead of bottles and ashes its
pills and ****** fluids
now why i’m alone i don’t know
he had my heart, though
denial is an old arch nemesis;
my mother’s truest friend
she visits me in your absence
instead of facing an end
she tells me sweet stories at night
“he’s coming back, and never leaving again”
and then rage, rage, rage
whenever i can believe you’re gone for good
she tells me sweet lies at night
“i don’t love you anymore.”
sometimes i wish i stayed inside my mother
sometimes i wish you had let me die, that day.
now we’re left with this game we play,
this stalemate game we play with each other