The wide sea of my
                              Brain does not seem to swallow
                                        As well as I want.

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.

///
Empty room
Open window
Smell of your hair
Reshuffle of all the feelings
What a familiar song!
Blowing through the window
I hear but not to turn asleep
Flavor of night jasmine
I open the door
She is coming,
What an unprecedented beauty of that face!
Gradually open
The bare body
How beautiful!
I am seduced by the sight of
You and I stand one on the island
But then I was sleeping
In a dream not to go too close

@Musfiq us shaleheen
///
ঘরটা ফাকা
জানালা খোলা  
তোমার চুলের গন্ধ পাই
এলোমেলো সব অনুভূতি
কি যেন এক চেনা গান
ভেসে আসছে
শুনে শুনে ঘুম আসেনা
হাস্নাহেনার গন্ধ
দরজাটা খুলে দেই
সে আসে  
কি অপূর্ব সুন্দর্য ওই মুখে!
আস্তে আস্তে খুলে যায় সব
অনাবৃত শরীর
কি সুন্দর!
আমি বিমোহিত এক দৃষ্টিতে
তুমি আর আমি এক দ্বীপে
কিন্ত তখন আমি ঘুমিয়েছিলাম
স্বপ্নের  মধ্যে কাছে যেতে পারিনি  

মুসফিক উস সালেহীন

///

What colour is beautiful ?
        
         Beauty is a kaleidoscope, yet black is
         the ostracized shade.
         My skin is like a stretched canvas, exploding
         with hues and tones of blackness
         Swirled into one beautiful ...
         me.
         Why does the vibrancy of my essence have to be
         tamed into bland bite-size bits to be
         swallowed up by society.
         Is the flavour of my skin too rich and sweet
         for you to bear?
         Well, if you cannot handle the bitter sweetness
         that makes me a dark berry, then
         Stay bland in your conception of blank beauty.
         I am not one shade too dark for beauty.
         Black Is Beautiful.
         I Am Beautiful.

One : night
Two : drinks
Three : words, I love you

One : morning after pill
Two : times no period
Three : words, not my child

They all say, just get it taken care of
And by get it taken care of
They don't mean to care for it,
But to get rid of it / her / him...
Me

Time ticks faster
The stares linger
Longer
Judging eyes gawk at one
But sees two
Wagging tongues race to spread
Their supposed never - ending knowledge of my story
Faster
Forcing me to embrace the shame
Like a coat to warm my growing belly
Growing
Growing life
Replacing life
Demanding my four-year-plan to master a disappearing act

Just like mother
Listening to lust-filled lies of love
Love that won't help me
Love that mocks me
Love that scorns the ground
that I trudge my heavy laden body of two
To The Women's Centre
Love that can't take me back to my high school
Love that won't pay for it's future/ his future/ her future
My future
Just like father
My coat of shame gets heavier on my stretched skin


They say you might get sick
They say you could die
They say I might get sick
They say I could die
They say the mortality rate is higher
Because the age is lower
Will we survive?
Survive the pain of growing
Survive the pain of coming outside our wombs(shelter)
Survive the looks, the talks, the lack


One : cry
Two : undone hearts
Three : steps trudged forward

Handle me gently.
Mull it over in your mind
Until you find the words that match your intentions.
Say them quietly
So only I can hear.
Don't speak harshly.
Don't leave me hanging.
Don't blend into the background.
A word spoken is a word meant
So say what you mean
Because I meant what I said
And I'll say it again.
I love you times one million.
All my bad decisions were worth it
If my one right decision was you.

///

Either if that land comes to me
or if I go to near the moon
rather, if I count the distance between the heaven and the hell
whatever you see or say
but I see and say there is a space

How long or thick I don’t know, but there is a space
where there is a vehicle or wind even empty
and the spaces, we run through air, land or the sea
if there exists any light or dark,
even I go through the time on the light speed
there I have seen a long space

Even between you and me
a little or big space
the shadow,
when I close to you
it has grown compact and even sometimes turned to dark
I can't see you
rather I see there is a space between you and me

And the star to star
sun to other stars
earth and the moon
and the moon and me
where there is a you there is at least a little space
even it dark or light
neither true nor false
either life or death
there is a space between you and me
your road to my road
your home to my home
at least a river, ocean or a wall that has created a space
your heart to my heart
your soul to my soul
there is a little space either light or dark
my love, that grew the difference between you and me
///
@ Musfiq us shaleheen