Part of me wants to hold the pain
the way I wish I could hold you
it feels more productive
than letting go.
How can I allow
the process, the universe, god
to take care of itself, when there is pain?
As if the preoccupation with the possibilities,
will protect you more than my prayers
as if the pain were a sentinel.
I hold the pain as a dagger.
Stabbing into the darkness, into the void.
Fending off invisible foe, parrying against suffering.
No one leaves life unscathed, and so I fail you.
I cannot protect you from life.
My honor is tarnished.
My love, please know,
I will be here when you are happy,
And especially when you are sad, scared, lonely.
When life bears down, and the weight is too much,
I will be here, prying apart the dimensions,
As an anchor to reality
My precious one,
You are beloved since always.
This love has always been, and always will be.
When all returns to the great silence,
This love remains eternal.
To my most venerable teacher, my highest honor, my greatest challenge. To my son.