I didn't think I could hurt anymore
Then I finally ran into you

You brought meaning into my life.
You gave me a reason to want to rush out of bed when I awoke.

All of the troubles that held me back
****** off.

My pulse came back
My smile returned.

Friends could see I was actually smiling.
The sun couldn't even radiate the warmth I possessed.

Then you walked away..
And I found myself struck with this all too familiar pain again.

The gentle lull of these sounds in my head
They make me lay down.
Down beside you.
I am so numb.

My time here
I don't know
What to make of it.
There's only one thing I live for...

I wake up every morning
To see your smile.
This presence beside me
Makes me feel alive.

Wonder how I have
Been living without you
For so long.
You make me feel alive.

We walk in the rain.
Raindrops.
They are as sweet
As your kisses.

Together we live like
There is no tomorrow.
I smile to myself
When you take my hand.

We lay these perfect
Footprints
In the sand.
Only we know why they are perfect.

The rain starts to
Pour down harder
I take you in my arms.
I love how you look at me.

Arms around my neck.
Breath on my chest.
Fingers in my hair.
Your heart flutters when I kiss your neck.

We sway in the rain
Holding our breaths
You make my
Life matter to me again.

Why must I live in a world 
plastered with a facade of sincerity? 
The imitation of promise... 
is only a promise for a broken future. 

I keep my thoughts from spilling 
across pages and from others. 

But my actions cannot be withheld. 

Sleep has become more of a haven for me 
- where the nothing cannot touch me.
 
It never stops... the thought of who I am. 

Am I any different from the rest? 
Am I merely an empty vessel? 
If so the only difference between me 
and the rest is I am well aware of it. 

I stand hollow, but without noise.

For so long I've kept to myself
Rigid. Unyielding.
Never giving anyone a chance
To peer beyond the mental concrete.

Bleak.

Such a sweetheart you are.
And how little time it took
For for me to become
Enamored.

Disarming..

Being unable to hold it in
To readily admit
Anything so very
Delicate..

Terrifying...

Grasping the knowledge
Nothing will happen.
Just another
Heartache.

...Foolish...

I thought I was.
Sure, the separated interactions remain.
Merely a work in progress.
Outside my own actions remain quiet
Courteous.
No more feelings of nonexistence.
Stepped outside of the fence
Prematurely erected out of anxiety.
Nevertheless my steps are as careful
As they have ever been.
Regardless of what strides made
My face carries the same expression.
My eyes carry on intently at a distance.
The end of the day sees
The Same. Rhythmic. Insanity.

As we stroll down the street late tonight
We see two gorgeous women
Turn the corner down the road
Side by side waiting.

They wave their hands in our direction,
And we think nothing of it.
They're absolutely beautiful
There's no question about that.

Of course they must be pining
For the attention of someone else.
Not for my friend nor I
Even though it's exactly what we would like.

Waiting our turn to cross the road
We hear a pleasant 'Hey...'
Looking across the street
They both wave at us.

I could think of nothing else
But to smile weakly
And wave back
-As I walk across the street.

My decent night has turned
Somewhat stale now
With a question.
'Why did they speak to us?'

I would love to have
Talked to them
But am terrified.
Of two beautiful girls??

Why me?
Why ruin my night like that?
Surely I will be stuck awake tonight.
But what if?

Sitting still on a park bench
Gazing at the horizon.
My eyes glow with the failing light.
The sun is now dying.

You can see how sad it is.
It's not as bright as it once was.
With a heavy sigh
It sinks and sets.

No one else watches.
They are ungrateful.
I hold my breath
And make a wish.

When my eyes open
The sky is black.
No stars, no lights.
I am swallowed in black.

I exist by myself.
I am now mankind.
Never again will I wake up.
This is my last day on earth.

My head is thick with clouds.
The sounds coming from the stereo blend
Into a warm blur of hope.
But when the beast from underneath the sand stirs
I must play dead.
The music stops.
The hope is cut short.
Thoughts seep in
And ferment.
I know I must play dead
But the beast knows too well
The dead's heart can never beat so loudly.
My fear and troubles always scream
And the beast rests itself on my chest.
I cannot breathe
And the beast knows it.
Soon,
I will not have to play dead.

I need some time
To spell out the words
Associated with the feelings
That are writhing within me
Carving out some story
Onto a cement wall
The dust gets into my eyes.

The walls with which make up my room
Eventually give way
To a new dimension
As I press and carve deeper
and deeper
and deeper
The story continues
Even though there is no more time
Nor space

So I must keep carving.
My room is much bigger then whence I started
I can't find the door
and the windows have collapsed
I broke out and into a new void.
What does this mean - I do not know.

Just because your laying in bed dreaming
It doesn't mean you are asleep, awaiting for a new day.

For sometime now that is all I have been doing.
Dreaming of something else; something better.

I just want to rest. Not dream.

I've come to the realization
There will be more pain in my future.
I will be running into more hurt
Just when I wonder if I've endured
All that is to be expected.
There so much struggle
That I can't begin to imagine.
I will find myself out of breath again soon enough.
My bones.. my heart will break again
And I'll never be ready for that.
No matter how many times
I so gingerly mend myself back together.

Standing in a corner
Back turn towards the light.
Focused on the rhythmic judder.
Not of the heart, or of the soul.
For what I am feels soulless.

Hands held close to my body
My breath beats back onto my face
I'm shut in so close
To the total recess of what
My life has been reduced to.

Eyes slowly open and close
While my head dips down again.
Rises up, I stare off, and down again.
Habitually poised in shame.
Always in the end left with some sardonic understanding.

Whatever decision I make.. it always seems that I regret making that decision. ..I always wonder how life would be if I had made another instead. 
 
It seems no matter what I am always being too ******* myself. At least that is what I keep hearing. No matter how familiar it may become there is always a sense of uncertainty and confusion. 
 
A face I have seen.... a face that I have kissed.... the person I have held in my arms... it doesn't take long for them to become strange again. And as soon as they do.... I sink a little farther down. 
 
I would like to have been something else. Someone else. Someone different.... One that wouldn't disappoint nor hurt you like I have. I didn't realize how much I was hurting you. I have failed in what I value the most.... protecting the ones I love. I have failed you.. 
 
You look so beautiful. This smile I see you wear.. It reflects upon me. I realize that smile wasn't there before when I was standing next to you.... The smile I tried to coax out never needed my help... or was it hinderance? 
 
I don't know..

Every time I think of someone
I think of them dancing.
I think of us dancing together.
And with each one they have their own dance.

I can imagine their excitement,
Their sweet laughter
And how much they are just living
The moment.

If only I knew how to dance
I wouldn't be forced to imagine
What it would be like to see them smile.
If I knew how I would dance all night.

It's been a while since I have held you
You haven't changed much.
Still poised as ever, sharp with your words.
You make it quick.

I didn't expect to ever see you again
But I have been thinking about you.

The most important lesson I can think of presently
Is to never let anyone that close again..
Even if you believe they are your future..

They have such ease
At showing you how foolish you are.

They can show you how much
You don't know about yourself..
And finally,

How little you can even trust yourself.
Those **** Teeth and Talons, ever present,
Remain deeply anchored into my skin.

Drugs are taking affect..

As the lights are put out
Heavy lulls and sways
Arise in my steps and breath.

Care not for the dreams
On the floor
Nor food on the plate

A cerebral drift into
Nightmares and clouds..
Shadows will start to move.

The only comfort here is knowing
I'll be welcomed with open arms
And mouths

When my eyes finally draw to a close.
My flesh will be consumed
Yet again.

I feel suspended by the frail threads of this life.
There is no more time for torn thoughts.
The melody in my head is keeping me afloat.
I hang high above the ground bathed in a soft sunset.

I want to grin but feel lost and blank of reason.
My head isn't clouded anymore for I have hold of something.
I have in my hand, your hand. I hold steady my gaze.
I am falling. Falling deep and endlessly into your eyes.

This brings me to a place I didn't know about.
It is still unclear to me where I am, but I am happy.
This life lost its grip on me. Its gravity does not bind me.
I walk in a weightless stride. I have you by my side.

Hearing your voice I feel like I am floating on the canvas of a painting
The colours blend in a splendid action just like the ripples made by a single busy duck on the pond this Fall day. 
I tilt my head back and sink even more into this moment of enlightenment. This unpredicted ascension of the mind.
I hunger for more in a pleasant way.
My fingers run the length of my hair and break free.
I smile all to myself and inhale peace.
Eyes closed I see the world in all of its delicate and fragile beauty.
If only for a second I could open my eyes and truly see what is beautiful. 
The cold and moist air burns, but I breathe it in with vigor.
I feel alive for the first time all over again. 
I curiously question why doesn't life always feel this pleasant.?
Why does it not ever look so simple and elegant?
Sorrow comes and quietly wraps its massive arms around me.
"Not today," I breathe without breaking from the strength of this water-coloured moment. 
I remain seated on the park bench and plunge deeper into my thoughts.
I fall away with the sounds of your voice and nothing else. 
For this quiet, chilly, and solitary Fall evening is Mine.

Teeth.... and talons..
They sink deep

Not the first time.
Just deeper than before.

Across my skin
Ever present

I bled only the first time
Only scars remain.

Tears don't break anymore
Not as often

But when they do..
..Oh, how hard do they break...

What do you think happens to an animal
Caged their whole life
When they are let go?

Don't believe they find comfort
Knowing they are free.
.. They are scared.

An entire life calmly dictated
Hemmed in and tethered.
.... That's all they know.

As pleasant it would be..
To just run..
Forage for fruits on their own.

All they know is how to behave.
All they know... Is how to beg.

At least the moon was close enough I could feel its affect on me.
The stars are what I have been wanting to seek something from.

So far away, only in my thoughts can I see them.
They look like they will cut me if I touch them.

So small yet so big. I wish to really see them up close.
Dreams have told me of what could happen.

So many stars out in the pitch black.
I only want one of them.
Not the biggest star, nor the brightest.
I just want the one that makes me think everytime I watch it.

The perfect silence
It doesn't break.
The patient smile I have
It never goes away even when I am sad.

I'm told its impossible
To reach out and touch one.
I don't care.
I must find out for myself.

And all I want to do is sleep at night
But thoughts from years ago just keep me awake.
I toss and turn to no avail
It's nights like these where I wish I prayed.

And no matter how hard I try to keep you off my mind.
Your name still echoes.. I keep on pining deep inside.
So far down the road of life
My heart's still gripped with bitterness.

There comes ,
"Why am I here? It cannot be for myself.
But no one else either, decidedly.. So for what?"
This is what leaves me watching the seconds float away on a night like this. While you are warmly planning tomorrow's sunrise, and smiles, and laughter, and heartbeats.

While you are making fresh the steps of the present
I am way back when where there and they used to be.
Mine are here of course. Mind isn't it seems.
Even now as I unfold again a broken segment of stills.

When will I rise with the sun and set with it?
Dare I smile like I wish it were?
It's a pleasure you left humiliated.
Damaged.

How can I forgive you..
How can I forgive myself..

All those little eyes in the sky are going to sleep.
We seem to never want to close our eyes even when they get red.
The only time we ever seem to go to sleep is when we know we will never get up
We make as much noise as we can
Because once we close our eyes the noise will stop.
When the day comes we get tired, our world will go away.
The faces disappear.
The color is nothing.
Sound is dead.
Our fear escapes us.
Our troubles leave with all the noise.
This piece
This small
This old
World
It grows tired of us.
When this planet goes to sleep we will too.

I wonder if life will ever hold out a hand. ..
For now I feel the weight unbearable.
She never leaves yet is always away from me.
I feel my soul was almost breaking down completely
until the moon threw its face out of the night sky and looked up at me.
The moon is so beautiful illuminated with warmth…
but all that surrounds the moon is an icy fast
that keeps me from ever touching the moon.
The moon has always been in my sight.
And I was never shy of the moon's precious light.
I finally felt "I must visit the moon finally,
I must be free to enjoy my life with the moon.
There is nothing else on Earth that keeps me warm."
I finally tried to extend my reach outward,
only to be held down by the gravity of reality.
The Earth keeps me from ever reaching the sweet, sweet moon.
And the icy surrounding has also made it almost impossible
to just simply touch the moon.
My eyes were always on the moon for some time.
And for the past cycles I have truly been able to see
how much meaning and love I share and hold with the moon.
I feel the soft light of the moon touch my skin and I feel nothing.
I am too far away to feel anything.
Too numb and lost to feel or think.
My eyes shed tears, which are suddenly ripped off my face
by the fears I hold inside.
I have always understood the moon almost as much as the moon understands me.
But even after all these years… all of the trust we hold….
It seems the distance is just too much.
I can only hope the tides draw in soon.
The tears held by the tide may reveal
to the now waning moon there is no need to fall behind the Earth's shadow any longer.

You are doomed..
Doomed to repeat
All of your mother's
Mistakes.

Pitiful
You are so
Pathetic

Until you grow up
This cycle will end
Only by
The most horrible means.

And I will
Be far
Far Away

The tender swells carry me 
But never disturbs.
Kept afloat with the meager thoughts of existence
A wave collides against the back of my head.
I fall victim to a surge.
I plunge down, submerged, by the wrathful hands of Poseidon. 
Shooting hard into my throat 
Sea salt scrapes for something.
Choking I reach out and struggle
One eye sees in red same as the eyes staring back.

No point of reference I simply sink. Deeper.
Deeper. Down the depths. 

With what light that does pierce down this far I gaze
At the glorious expanse of unknown cities.
Hovering above a void, a wild spectacle distracts me.
Pillars holding statues. Bridges spanning miles.
Prairies full of green and red. And massive graveyards in honour of those of whom are worthy of such a burial.

There the void becomes something more.
Air has pushed through my eye sockets I have drifted down so deep.
I want to shake but the freezing water weighs down on me so much.
I am not blind from near death but from complete extinction of light.
I realize I wasn't swimming at all. 
A clutching hand has dug its nails into my now broken ankle. Delivering me
To a place I have always wanted. A home.
Here no one can evict me from what is rightfully mine. 

I am free
I am dead
I am gone
I am home

Seemed as if we were both reading the same book.
I knew one of us would outpace the other.
..Most likely it would be me.
I guess I am too eager to see what unfolds on the next few pages.

But for whatever reason, and with no warning, you put your book down.
The rest of the pages in my book become empty.
Flipping back and forth doesn't help.
As soon as the pages start to tear I realize I have to put mine down now.

This isn't the first story I've found where the words just disappear.
No happy ending.
No ending at all..
Just another unfinished adventure...

I found out just last night
As cruel clouds were rippling in from the West
And while the sun was settling down.
Hurt, once again, started to push every other feeling out of my ******* body.

So disarming.
She took my breath away
Caressing her lips against my cheek
And lacing her fingers with mine.

Was I taken for a ride?
Was I being used?
This silence I've been given audibly says yes.
My dignity has been left marred.  

To me, this is why
This is why so many women
Will never
Find a good man.

..Do not waste my ******* time..

My coil feels broken.
My lips they are charred.

I lay down in my filth
And cough up more.

I ***** for something.
I find Nothing.

Another Fall fast approaching
Time hasn't slowed down
..Spring was such a blur..

It won't be just the leaves turning
         And falling this year.
I don't know if my heart can fall
                              Any further than it has.

Broken and bruised
Laying in pieces on the ground.
.....I think I'll just leave it there this time...

Those ****** Teeth and Talons
Always present
Constantly digging deeper into my skin.
Snagging on bone
I knew what it would mean
Dragging this part of me
Out into the sunlight.
My arms, chest, neck, and face
Are all carved into by the piece of me
That wants to stay behind the tall grass and shadows.
It's hard to see with all the blood getting in my eyes.
This writhing mass slipping out of my crimson stained hands.
But I keep a steadfast grip.
I wasn't prepared for it to hurt this much.
I wasn't prepared for it to hurt those I loved either.
My hands are exhausted.
My breathing is labored.
Bloodstained tears running down my face and chest.
It's hard to remain standing. It would be so much easier to collapse.
-
Suddenly it doesn't hurt to breathe
The wounds remain but the pain isn't there.
I don't feel so tired.
I don't feel as if I'm fighting myself anymore.
I'm starting to see what others see in me.
-
Again I wasn't prepared
For my pain to hurt those that I love.
With no more blood in my eyes
I look to see that someone I truly loved, who truly loved me,
Has left.
Hurt by what she had to do to save herself.
I couldn't hear anything, and I didn't feel it at first.
But I look down to see that awful and familiar mass of black had impaled me.
This was a different kind of pain.
Something I've never felt before.
Something I've never heard before either.
It was me crying over the woman
Tgat was there for me
Every step of the way.
Fighting tooth and nail,
many times with me,
Who is now no longer
In my life.

He feeds me his food sometimes. Even when he knows good and well I'm not supposed to have any. He gave me his bed to sleep on all day, but I share it with him when he is home. He loves to hold me close at night. Sometimes, if not all the time, I growl at him to stop bothering me to cuddle close to him. A midst my growling he just shushes me and kisses my nose.
      I've finally got him on a routine. I sit at the door and he knows it's time for a walk. I'll walk him as far as he will go. As much as I wanna trot off he insists on a quiet pace. He also likes straight lines.
      When I hear the door being unlocked I will sometimes see if it is him. Being stuck at home all day is boring, so I get all excited when he comes back. I'll nibble at his hands constantly to tell him I love him. And to play. He's good at playing when I can get him to play.
      I guess it is safe to say that without my human I would not be here. And without me he wouldn't be here either.

Withering breath                Time slows down
Her eyes feel cold                  Not searching for reason
The curls in her hair uncoil               Once gold will soon be rusted
Her mouth quivers as I touch her cheek          One more kiss is all she wants.
Looking back into her eyes I see her final moments of beauty.
Pale skin shines under the silver moonlight.
A gentle breeze brushes by           She shakes        I hold her closer.
Soft beat of her heart wants to race next to mine but instead gets weaker.
She wants to cry but the tears refuse.
I lift her chin up towards mine. Eyes closed
She stopped breathing when our lips finally touched.



Epilogue:

I never felt so much blackness fill me before.
Even the silent chill of tonight couldn't reach me.
I was freezing in my own thoughts.
My breathing became a faint memory.
Sound disappeared along with her.
The tears were quiet.
I didn't bother to brush them off.. they left frozen trails along my face.
The bleakness was broken by a hard object cocking.
I looked down my hollow life, I held her steady
While looking forward into the distance.
The trees were naked and shivering;
They were so beautiful at night.
I leaned backwards as
Lighting struck down in front of me
My head landed on the iced earth
with a dull thud. I couldn't really feel anything after that.
But I did taste the metal... and the rust.
I lay there with her still wrapped in my arms.
Together to the end.

Almost midnight.
Walking on the beach
Close enough
Where footprints
Just
Wash away.

I wish you were walking right beside me.
Fingers laced.
The serenity.

It's beautiful looking out.
It's scary, but beautiful too.
The horizon
It's permanence.

Sadly these are the only times I look forward to the most.

Oh.. I can.
I can show you what to be afraid of.

Your trust in anything will fall to pieces in the process.

Think my scowl is ugly?
Let me show you my smile.

I'll be honest as well-
Depression has been with me
Even before I began my teenage years.
There have been some gleaming moments
Of happiness, but it is never long

Until the ground reveals itself as thin ice
And I fall through it.

My reaction
Every time
Is to breathe deep
We all know what would happen
If I were to stop

And I keep breathing deeper
For I know at least I'm alive.

Splash a little water on my bourbon'
Sip and watch you get undressed.
Nothing like a quiet evening
With you ere a good night's rest.


Bold flavors fade away.
My eyes turn glassy.
You slink on hands and knees my way.
I realized tonight has just begun.

...............................................................­..

Don't remember how you got me
On the bed. Don't care.
I'm too absorbed by the wild
Dancing mane you call hair.

Orange blossom and Gardenia
Their auras leave me weak.
Tonight I don't have the strength
To fight back. Can't even speak.

Still have control of my lips at least..
I see your eyes widen and breath quicken
While you lick your lips like a beast.
Skin flares ***** as the air ceases to thicken.

..................

Someone must have slipped something in my drink.
I strangely feel that I am on drugs again..
... Where is my drink? -Oh, you found it!
And your finishing the whole glass..

And just like that...
Those impenetrable walls
Of Confinement
Writhed out from under the infertile soil.

So long was it
The process
Of removing such
Obstructions

.....For what??

Only to be reaffirmed
There is no room for
Comfort.
Not when I am breathing.

I would much rather be playing
In traffic.
Than to face the insults
I was so battered with this evening.

Want to know how callous
A life can be?
Carry my kind of heart
For any length of time.

You will most certainly lose any sight of hope
Even in yourself.

Humble..
That's what I hear.
Honest..
That's what I believe..
Sad
That's all I feel.
...Silence..
That's all I receive.

I wish you could see how beautiful your life really is.
How your smile brings forth
Such light, and promise.

But you cannot see what's right in front of you
Because you won't look up..
I saw it. The moment I met you.

I wish I could see how wonderful my life could be....

I can't see anything.
Because no such wonder exists
In my forgetful, unremarkable
World.

A bird
Without it's wings..

Such a tragedy.

Sometimes..

It's best to say nothing,
Do nothing,
And pay attention.

Some convictions connot
Soley be served through
Mere words alone.

Again, pay attention
To what isn't being said.
Sometimes.. the silence tells you everything.

I stand perfectly still when everyone else is not
When I do make any noise it's when echos are non-existent
And no one notices. Everybody is silent. Oblivious.

Might as well be a living ghost.
People frown when they notice.
I don't blame them. I blame myself.

Features are cemented in my face.
Expressions are blanketed and undetected.
I do my best to convince everybody to ignore me when they finally take notice.

Without a Queen
What is a crown
To a King?

My skin is hard and weathered
As is the asphalt that lays bare
And bleached by the sun's rays.

Your words are the childish chalk
Scribbled across and littering the road
Right in front of our home

And your treason is the hushed rumble
Of chilled autumn rain washing your despairing apologies
Down the gutter at the end of the street