"I'm not trying to get my hopes up. he is going out of his way to be near me and ugh I know it's all I talk about but it's because it's all I think about ahah, I hate to say it because I hate to be vulnerable but he makes me so flustered and I can't think straight and it makes me mad because I know he probably doesn't even mean anything by it but he doesn't know how crazy he's making me and I don't know what to do. I like him so much but at the same time I hate him because he is driving me insane."

I promised myself I'd go to bed hours ago. long nights spent wasted on your existence. the way you raised your arms over your head and stretched, the hem of your shirt lifting to see the outline of your toned stomach and the fragile lines along your hips. ****. I'm getting carried away again. see? this is what happens, this is what happens when you're in love. you're entire life revolves around them. you begin noticing the little things, like how he stares at you from across the room when he thinks you're not looking. or how he will purposely touch your thigh, he will barely graze it but it will set your mind on fire and later that night and 1am you will remember and the burning will never fade. this is what it's like to be in love. your body is marked with reminders of him, his tongue is poison and he will hurt you so badly. love is not bad, but his love is terrible. and I cannot do it, I cannot sit here and have him caress me when I know his love is fake. he does not care for me. one day he will forget about me and I will still be tangled up in him. this is not what love is. this is not what happiness is. the sun burns now. the moon is my only friend, late at night, after he leaves, the moon is the only one left. how long will this emptiness last?

I tend to be angry a lot
and I find that my source of rage
is you
so I run
I run so fast I forget about the world around me
I focus on running from you
away from my love for you
I tend to be angry a lot
so I punch things
I hit so hard my knuckles begin to bleed
my skin turns purple and blue
I tend to be angry a lot
so I write
I write so much my fingers cramp
my back aches from being hunched over my journal for so long
my eyes red and puffy
cheeks stained by your words
and I get so angry
so engulfed by hate
but I still love you
no matter what
no matter how many pills
how many empty pages
empty bottles
I still want you
I tend to get angry a lot
and I find that my source of hatred
is you

i feel a sensation of falling every time i think of you. the thought of your smile and your arms and how you could suffocate me but instead you chose to hold me. i remember the way you used to stutter when we talk and how red your face got when i laughed at your cheesy jokes. i only ever want your kiss, your touch, your love, i really only ever want you. and i know i will never have the privilege of knowing how that feels. i try so hard to forget you, i drink until i cannot remember my own name and the only thing leaving my lips is youyouyou. and when i wake up tomorrow with bloodshot eyes and an ache in my heart i'll blame the cheap liquor. i would risk my life just to hear you laugh one more time. i am sitting alone thinking of your hand on my thigh and your words swimming around in my brain. one day you will find someone who makes your heart flutter and you will make her the happiest girl alive and that is when i will erase every memory of you from my skin.

i always catch him looking away
his hooded eyes crinkling
porcelain skin turned blood red
his nose scrunches together when he gets nervous
we aren't alone
a crowded room filled with ****** music and cheap liquor
keeping us apart
i'm smiling now, look up, look up, look up
he does
its my turn to look away
i just want to talk to you
but this boy sitting next to me
is telling me about his baseball team
i keep looking at you
oh ****
we've made eye contact
can you see my heart racing?
can you see it in my eyes that i'm in love with you?
this night drags on and i haven't spoken to you yet
but i want to
so badly
please
just speak to me

what happened to the happy girl I used to be? did she die alongside the empty beer bottles and jail visits? I wish I could go back and warn myself that you are not the man I thought you were. I looked up to you, I loved you. now at age 16 and a set of scars to prove your love was fake, I now understand why you left. I was too much stress, you couldn't handle me. hell I can't handle me either. no matter how badly you've treated me, I still cared. when you had a heart attack I wanted to lend you mine in hopes to heal your broken one. now I want to reach my fist inside your chest and rip the remaining sliver out myself. and I know that sounded harsh but you cannot expect me to be okay with your decisions. you ruined any chance of me ever being loved. any chance of me being free. i do not trust boys who bring me flowers because even being struck by petals can hurt.

you and your mood ring eyes
exploding in a kaleidoscope of colors
the shady brown erupts into hazel
green prisms speckled with stardust
and i am lost in your eyes
in your past memories
I can see every scar, every past regret
all the stories that make you
that shape you
and they're all captured in your eyes
the way they twinkle with delight
the solar system is alive in them
so vast and dark
lit up by stars and planets
and I am only a speck in your world
just a small fragment of love
barely shading your eyes
but I know I'm there
nestled in the back of your mind
for when the days are tough
and the nights are long
and you miss my mood ring eyes

you stole my breath but gave me life.

i do not deserve love but i crave so much of it