follow Alice
crawl down the rabbit hole
it's a black abyss with all these hurt and hatred lies tied to my mind so it melds
into my memories

pick a drink of your choice
for a decision to make you tall or small
till you aren't sure you who are at all
a mad hatter?
that's mad
must of made me mad
but doesn't matter

because the hookah smoking caterpillar
offers me a drag
hazy plume of smoke through blurry eyes
and then the queen screams
"off with her head"

steals from the psyche so I'm late
I'm late for a very important date
Shouldn't have left resting lashes
or closed lids- it's all Wonderland

and now I'm stuck in a fantasy
didn't ask for what was handed me
I missed the last waking of this dream
now I've lost touch with all reality

I can't say
I love you
but I can say
I don't.

but some one
out there does
love you.

I don't know where
you're from but
it's been one hell
of a ride.

and I can't tell you
what sort of
trip you've been
on

or walk of life
you've been
on.

but I can
tell you,
that life
goes on.

I used to want a fancy funeral
but now I lost hope
and gave it up

waiting felt exciting
but dying once
was not enough

If I could,
I would write
the greatest love poem
of all time

then crumple it up,
crush the crisp paper

and
       b  u  r  n
   it.

watch the fire consume
and swallow it

then let the wind
pick up the new
ashes

in hopes they
will deliver
my message

I didn't want to fall in love with
postage stamps
to put yourself onto paper like that
seems inaccurate.

but while I'm lonely, crying; I wanted to turn to you because you were never there to turn to
but I couldn't turn to you because you were never there.

And by there I mean here, with me, where you should have been.

I didn't want to fall in love with train tickets, holding my piece of glossy paper like the lotto.
I just won the opportunity to see you.

to lie with you in bed
be held
share a cigarette
attempt to contain the laughter.

See, when I step off that platform
and our eyes meet
I am flooded with excitement for it's Christmas and my birthday
all at once.

I am going to try, to care for you from a distance.
especially when those vast 70 miles seem to eat away

see I'll be checking the mailbox everyday, saving every paycheck to see you next.
I will wait learn to acclimate
I will learn to adjust.

And perhaps fall in love with the 70 miles that separate us.

perhaps life is
sharing more information with me
about this sensation
than what was done
before with that "physical"
kind of
love// language

words are not necessary
when understanding the
feeling of vibrations
in which are
brought upon me

both intuitively//
and instinctively//

this feeling is//
love.

the same feeling I was
taken out of
that is now inviting me back in//

"I love you to death,"
he said.



"I love you for life,"
she replied.

in many ways-
he's just like you...
but it doesn't make me miss you
any less.

there was an idea I thought up
originated in my esophagus
so I coughed it up
and out came something awful
information that made a mouthful
they like to say I mess with the wrong stuff
but nah I've been messin with the right ****
yeah // I ****** like it

I will never amount
to you
add up all the tracks I left
the pieces of my life I've kept

are a multitude of how much
I respect
that I can subtract all my mistakes
and never be what you have become

ill never walk your path

and I think it's great how you
used to be great

now you're amazing
and I'm blazing new trails
taking and making a new road

decoding the code of how you
got to climb the ladder

guess I'll be climbing forever

I'll never understand your
peaks plains and valleys
the dips and ruts are where I'm stuck

I'll never be smart like you
talented
balancing a top job
I'll never be loved or as creative

I hate it.
because I'll never make it
like you can

and I'll be ******
if I ever graduate from college
or learn the knowledge that you hold

I understand it's a cold world
but I'll never create a mural
of all my accomplishments
and paint the landscape whichever
color I want

because I can't
amount to you
I've been reduced to the shadows
of your celebrations

so I celebrate in your darkness
I hang around on the same old ground as I always have

this makes me sad
this makes me angry and mad

but nonetheless I'm glad you've
gotten to be who you want to be

but please.
step aside so I can cast
my own shadow
and be me...

this mornings forecast: sunny skies
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

despite the predictions
of heavy snow and rain
an eternal sunshine is
blooming in my brain

this evenings forecast: winds variable and light
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

I've now begun to realize
it's ok to be ok.
it's alright to be alright.
looking at the bright side,

letting go of
the past,
yet still having full grasp
on what is mine.

tonights forecast: a starry night
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

clear skies no, no shooting
stars, but this luminous
moon is just so vibrant

like a bright day in
the middle of night
living on an entirely
different universe

traveling the wavelenghts
ready to take flight
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

reaching toward to sky
kneeling to the earth
appreciating the reward
from now on,

avoiding any natural disasters,
according to my
weather report.

from the look
on you're face
just guessin you've
been addicted to hate.

cause you
didnt understand
the gravity.
the weight.

makin the darkness
a deeper shade
grey matter driftin
through the brain

manifesting deception
sin sampled
with evil its
simple and plain

doesn't matter
how you hold it
twist it, leash it
make it or ignore it

who's gonna be
the bare witness for
every important series
of events you experienced

the come up
is what we live for
and the come down
is when we die

so I try to breathe
try to sleep
try to close my eyes
I simply try to try

so why can't being alive
mirror what I wish
was the perfect high?

I did not feel
full
not in the way
one feels after a

hearty meal.

as it settles
inside the stomach

except I did not
want to get rid of it.

I had only had
half of it-

though two halves
make a whole,

I thought there are
one million ways to

purge the soul.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

stop the complaining
we get it- you're tired of fighting
but put on your gloves
cause this is round:

ONE

there are books that still need reading

the library
books endlessly checkout able
Holden Caulfield
man, J.D. Salinger
I tip my hat to you, what a ******
impressive novel

books that need their spines broken
for the first time
time spent highlighting pages
pages need turning

so you can move on
to the next chapter of
y o u r
story.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

so now it's round:

TWO

There are still sunsets
that need your approv // al
who else will gaze into an expanse
of the sky and watch
the sun say goodnight to the moon
and moon envelop the light
consuming darkness with stars all lit
across the universe

wishes will call for granting
granted that a shooting star
still must be accompanied by
a wish

make them, remember you've made it past round one.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

because it's round:

THREE

blankly collecting dust
just imagine all the canvases and notebooks
white is not a primary color.

fill in the blanks that need filling
because inside we all know
we're broken
undo the emotional glue and start gluing
piece together a mosaic or something

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

heaving breathing
heart is beating
consciousness receding

but just one more
prepare yourself for this is round:

FOUR

there will be words that are yours
words that need speaking and reading
words that spark imaginations
change opinions
or aid in healing

awareness for the beauty in sunsets and sunrises
artistic expression that calls for supplies and
it's ok not to always have everything

someones bound to have an extra pen or paper or something
Like this time impossible is not an option. There are no limitations

I know I've ****** up
I don't have much
no change in my wallet
but I'm sure i can borrow some from the universe or maybe even a stranger
I will not let down or give up

its hard to tally up all the fights
that have been fought
for each moment that WAS
and WAS not

like remember
"this is all we got."

**** It ALL
no- this is not done
no- this is not over
like remember
don't ever think

there is no force in your
punches and throws
you'll be back in the ring
know you'll always be fighting

so.
one more round we go.

there is
something

about holding
hands

two palms whispering
secrets

held as

one

singing,

I f e e l.
I f e e l.

I feel for
you.

thanks for being here.
today you are born again.
today you are alive.

struggling through
another day,
another
decade.

-it does get better
I
promise.

and I can't say I love you
because I don't.
but someone out there
does.

even if it's mom, or dad,
or a distant relative.

if you feel like giving up again,
please don't.
if you're thinking about ending it all;

tonight
or possibly tomorrow
hang in there just a little
longer

even with
palms sweaty,
arms aching,
callused skin...

pick yourself up.
no- not a weapon
or a razor
or comfort food- those cookies

sitting on the kitchen counter.

you don't need em'
I
promise.

get up and look at yourself.
yeah. in the mirror.

and repeat aloud, "I love myself."
repeat this until you believe.
promise
me.

if you are happy-
truly happy,
not with all the material *******
but truly happy with yourself-

with your virtues and values,
I applaud you.

but you deserve a standing ovation
either way.
for showing up for life.
you made it-
thank yourself for being alive.

the world was born
from territories that had once
become stone

mapped out by
death and dying
a compass made
from bone

and settlers tilled
the land
till the world was born

it was here
that silence was formed
by the whole of the human word:
boundary

a polluted beauty
new land and water
that had once connected us
broke all unity

now rivers divide us
the hemisphere splits
cracks the earths surface like
soles of weary feet
upon an arid dessert

separated and pulled itself
apart every so slowly till
it ripped stripped and tore

this is when the world
was born.

the verbal conversation is low
but they’ll like it better
if you type it

increase the vibe
with a new visual
to hype it
so i can project something digital

be sure to add a filter
and then take a selfie
for my thousands of “friends”
so they can harness my insecurities

credit my edits
to internet ideologies
but can a website
give you an apology

block you
from society
or let you join their
group on one strict policy

take out the truth
stake straight fake fallacies
un truth the truth
renew the news

fit the mold
for for their categories
tweet the twisted facts

so now
can someone
please follow me.

I want to wear myself
inside out
spill out what I feel on the inside
on my inner beliefs and ideations
all the conversations I could have
if I wasn't wearing a t shirt and jeans

if only I wore my
opinions like rings
on my fingers
and sport my values
on the soles of my shoes

my head flowing with
ideas and I could let my hair down,
fluid// flowing// with tendrils of readings and teachings

my wardrobe filled with hangers
of clothing repressing theories and
hypothesis

dress myself in principles and prospects and proofs

we do this instead by expressing ourself through our dress
and underneath brand names
we hide what we're about

instead I want to turn
myself
inside out

They wanted to build
a counter culture
a version of
whatever
needed straight from
society

I shoulda' been born in the 60’s

cause I recycle more than
I create trash and like
an acid flashback,

I don’t even have a license
just bicycle from point A
to point B

I realize,

I shoulda' been born in the 60’s

they call me a hippie but
the fringe and leather
don’t make me

it’s that I practice what I
preach

I listen and I teach
I reach out to the old
faith
Gandhi and passive resistance
tryin' to make a difference
even if peace don’t
“exist” at least I don’t
reach out to war
as if it’s at my fingertips

and just like braidin’ hemp
the center splits-

I shoulda' been born in the 60’s

I listen to classic rock
and jam to an mp3
records and tape decks
old school

is where you'll find me

Jimi and Zeppelin and
The Doors make me jive
without that music
I don’t even think I’d be alive

it’s that drive-
like man, you’re either on the bus or
off the bus

but I hopped coast to
coast
cause in love we trust
west to east in a retreat,
just to find the true me.

I shoulda' been born in the 60’s

I wear flowers in my hair
and sat on stoops
in Haight

I grew my hair long
and I sport natural waves

I don’t wear makeup or
go to raves
I try and find my grass roots

while they sport white collar jobs
and dress up in their suits

I write poetry and rhymes
I paint and I draw the line where man-

I should have been born in the 60’s
but I’m 93’
and thats ok with me.
in this current day and year
of 2014

SLAM..
SLAM down the words
like the slap of your hand
upon a countertop

SPEAK the utterances
of your broken heart
to souls of hip hop

SLAM that anger
with the fistful of furious syllables

SCREAM your defiance to the world indifferent
innocent and ignorant

SLAM down tequila shots
one, two, three,
redefining absolute clarity

SLAM your pride and dignity

SLAM your locked up pain
break the lock unleash the insane

SLAM the gates of heaven
and the depths of hell

SLAM ME into absolute stupidity with your words
jack lines
jack verbs
herd the unheard

SLAM

snap goes the bones and the
self esteem watch it's disintegrating soul
the lies and truth it holds
and the physicality unfolds

snap

the bruises remain bold
whether you can see em or not
black and blue- the color purple
is my camouflage

snap

snap goes the crackle and pop
it's got the veins running on adrenaline
pretending it lacks what I can do is save other people in the struggle
or change the planet
but I can't even help myself god ******

snap

snap goes the heart
**** the insults
**** the compliments
i just want some common sense
I tried to stay strong but I wanted it all
I guess just watch these London bridges
f a l l

snap

snap goes your fingers to rhythm and flow
slap goes your palms to something other than countertops at bar spots
not so fast- it isn't the Beat Generation
I'm convinced you live in the past

snap

I'll be ****** if this is forever
because I have a head full of poetry
yeah. **** me. I can't stop these
similes and hyperboles
literary insomniac

snap

and I'm going to open a map to
snap back into reality
where fear and pain reside here
but one day they won't find my tracks
relax and forget
because Im never coming back

snap.

sometimes I wonder what it will be like
if I see another day
I wonder if this will be the last thing I say

and by the way nothing turns out
how it's planned to be

and sometimes I'm just out doin my thing
tryin to be the best version of me
even the memories raise issues I tried to shed
got too many issues trapped up inside my head

what pride and humility just might do
what praise the phase of bruises black and blue
how's the self abusiveness?
how the tired toiling in uselessness

no, I'm not impressed with the work I've done
his shadow follows me even when I tried to run

some things never turn out how
they supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

one by one I count the pills inside my hand
ones for the hurt I give myself
and one is from that man

I feel a choke in the hold
the way he used to grab for the gold
silly putty organs
and flesh that molds

molds to the palms
molds to the fist
molds to the tears
molds each time he hits

cold confusion
swept up into the night
I say I'm sorry
but i know it's just a sorry night

somethings don't turn out how they
supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

self worth is weighed
by the gram
0.5 for me
and a pound for the man

heavy sedation
it's crazy what you remember
while wake walking in a dream state
apologies for the bad dreams
and hide the good ones to escape

burn baby burn
his love looks like fire
it isn't passion
it isn't lust
it's nothing to admire

3rd degree emotional burns
the each skin is sensitive
so **** whatever's heard

the man might say
it doesn't bother me
it's only that it's haunting me
I wish he would change
but only I can set me free

I closed my eyes to stop the sun
from seeping in
my head spins like the hand
that rides the spiral till it ends

I hope someday to love again
could it be that we're both lost
we need to be found
before we hit the ground

in between the holes
and empty spaces
so there's me and I'm drifting
tryin' to fill in those extra places

it seems so simple
inside the walls I've built
inside my head
exits winding complex and all
the lines can bend

the photo album of our time together
is filled with under exposed prints
and negatives
then I hang them up to dry

tried to stop the endless bleeding
I closed my eyes to stop my heart
from beating
like maybe you would come back to me
if I stopped breathing...

not many people like you
because you’re the type to
crawl
not in the literal sense
but in how long it
took to overcome withdrawal

see a lot of people have it
figured out
everyone’s sized you up
they want to seize you
trap you
inside a tiny plastic cup

some people like the way you look
others are afraid
beauty in your many behaviors
many faces
many legs

it’s incredible how intricate
you weave and toil lies
sinful in the way you look
all masked with butterflies

you have this thing you do
you spin them in all directions
then wrap them tightly
as a product of perfection

stressing over
pulling all the lines in time
since no one hates a spider more
than one they cannot find

gravity is ******* me in
days or years
I don't know how long it's been
I am collapsing

inside of an abyss
swallowed by darkness
hollow sounds and black holes

the center cannot hold.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

grant it the
trust

to bring
us where
wherever we
want to be.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading us
north, south
west or east.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the needles
pointing upward

follow the
direction
I will follow
your footsteps
if you wish to lead.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the directional
force lies
within us
resting internally.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading our
conscious and subconscious
inside of you
inside of them
inside of every
crevice of the
earth.

the eternal compass lies within-
the seams of the universe.

I want to be the graduating
class
of we ******* made it

despite the trials and tribulations
I want to scream and throw up my cap
say that was well worth it

that those endless all nighters
the coffee *** on
my walk to class iPod on
blast songs

of inspiration
of that serious dedication
stacks of books and notes
post its and reminders

binders
spiral bound
college ruled

schooled on all
walks of life
on all types of wrong and right

all the mistakes I want to erase
and refunds for the W's and F's
what's left?
but to tell myself it's all ok.

black and blue bics
papers double spaced
**** it I want to be the best I can be

class of the underdogs
the freaks the ones who thought they'd never make it

the class of we *******
we made it.

it begins like this:

I didn't realize fall was ending
that global warming brings various change
so when it became cold
my bones reflected the weather reports
till they became disjointed//dismembered
with all the other broken
parts// tumbling along with it.

and now my injuries are representing all four seasons and everyone has got their way, got their reasons...
so I ask the universe this- if the earth will just have a little mercy on me...

please..

The issue lies not in you being gone but in the fact that you're away.
your smile and your eyes- they became transfixed in my brain and became something that one could only hope to see every time the sun brings the light of day and smiles upon the earth.

The issue lies not on the decision you made to go but in the mystery of whether you'll return. I could live without you, but what fun would it be to explore the universe and learn about one another, dance together outside if never with a partner.

The issue lies not in the few days we spent together but in the plentiful numerous seconds I got to know who you were. Every word, gesture, movement and expression resonated in my head reminding me of the day I realized I deserved something like this.

The issue lies in the fact that there is no issue after all is there?
If you're the issue, we'll find the answer.
If time is the issue, we'll watch the clock together.
If we're the issue, it's the world that is mistaken and moving on is all we can do.

it is the emptiness for the whole
the mindless doubt of not believing
it is possible we are wrong
with so much
power to be righteous

because it is not a rage toward the 1%
or hatred toward the 99 ...

it really is
so much deeper
than a fraction
of a inproportionate sum ...

you. are memories presenting themselves as tightly confined spaces

you. and your mind embodies an image of a locked file cabinet

you. are loaded with information and details

two decades continually growing
those of stories and shallowed secrets

about
you.

you. who dreams of endless emotions that refrain to consume

you. who longs for endless laughter paired with authenticity

yet for you.
you. and your happiness,
whether blooming
by el soleil or la lune

then suddenly something
changes
you. are a microscopic dot
on a worldly globe

the earth makes
space for you.
the universe makes
just enough room,

-for you.

it's like how can I start fresh
if I can't erase
hating everything I seem to create
stray to think different
but my soul is caged
hidden under floorboards
are the ideas I make

but I feel calm and at home
in the darkness
feeling cold and lethargic
but creating art
with my fingertips
alone with the hopes and the gods
I illustrate pain
in slow and graceful strokes

tirelessly knitting an infinity scarf
cooped up in a small room
with my mouth sewn shut
I lyrically piece together scraps of
the thoughts inside my head
to write an unauthorized version
of me instead

working steady without pause
till the ink dries up
words spilling out truths
of my purest disgust

I am the artist whose painting
to begin with was fake
I am the unrooted vine that grew
despite its wilted fate

today I felt more like myself
than usual

thinking outside of the box
I felt myself take a chance

I play the tape in my head
"just breathe"
in and out
my breath holds steady

so I felt more like myself
than I do usually

thinking outside the box
where there is no tape
necessary

if to let live
is all there is
then let me
live.

let me smoke till I can't breathe anymore / choke on the tar / lose the lungs / paint the esophagus an ivory black / draw with that charcoal / sketch my soul / illustrate it /

right onto
a canvas.

-let me make art
out of this.