I'm sorry, younger me
For not fighting hard enough
To save you mentally
From all this painful stuff
That was done to you at such a young age
From someone that you trusted

I'm sorry I didn't scream for help
When he was abusing you
I'm sorry for not fighting back
For just laying there in shocked silence
As he touched your rack
I'm sorry for not being strong enough
To push him off your tiny body
I'm sorry for everything
That he has done to you
Younger me
I am so, so
Sorry...

no
i do not
have my
driver's license yet

please stop asking
how that's going

please
stop asking

because if you continue
asking i will be forced
to hedge on the truth
that i'm scared

of accidentally crashing
even just getting distracted
annoying other drivers
of not knowing what to do

(of having a panic attack
behind the wheel or losing
control of myself and
intentionally crashing)

that i only feel
safe in a moving
vehicle when my
mom's driving

and that i intend to move
to a city where the bus and
my own two feet take me
wherever i need to go

so please stop
asking me
or else i'll have to
say i'm scared

and i'm also scared
of telling people that.

When I smelled nicotine
I knew you were there
Holding my body down
You crushed my ribs
I could barely breathe
Much less with my squeezed lungs
Scream

Cigarette smoke
Burns my lungs
Inflames my memories
Flying embers
Drop on the cement
That you stood on
When you blew smoke into my face
I couldn't even cough
Because your burned my throat
With your cigarette ****

You can spend time on your iPad
At any time you please
But you can't with your Grandma and Grandad
You know that he and she's
Getting older
And only older they'll get
So if you can
Make sure to visit them

When you are old and gray
And wait
And pray
That someone will come
To take your loneliness away
Remember and realize
That back then this scenario was the same
When you left your Grandparents' house
And they stood there in pain
Just thinking
"When will they come again
To ease our lonely hearts
To make us smile
Even as our bodies slowly fall apart?"
And they wait
And they wait
And they wait
Until it is too late
For you to visit once more...

Please, I beg you
Visit them as much as you can
That last visit
Might be your last time with them
Even if you're shy
Sit there and listen
Even if you're busy
Somehow make some time
Even if they are cranky
Always be kind
Realize nobody is perfect
And that everybody feels
A loneliness that can never be healed
Until a hand reaches out
And holds their hand tight
And keeps them company
Through the night

Where am I?
The real me has disappeared
Invisible to the naked eye

I stared at the mirror for my reflection
But there was nothing there
Where have I gone?
I can't find myself anywhere
No matter how much I search

I'm afraid
What if I never find myself?
How far has the real me strayed?
The only remnants of the real me is in a photobook on the book shelf

Sometimes I look at those photos and cry
What was I like back then?
I guess I'll never know  

In the meanwhile I'll play pretend
Mimic the faces of the girl I used to be

Body hunched over a bed
Trembling and sweating against the covers
She is trying her hardest to mend
The painful memories overwhelming her
Memory after memory
Traumatizing her completely
Into a coma in which she walks around lifelessly
Thinking of absolutely nothing
But what had been done to her