the color has drained from my face
the light is gone behind my eyes
Ive stopped sleeping
Soon I'll stop eating
and then a relapse

I'll take out that thin silver blade
The one that only I know about
its hidden in a place
no one would look

I'll place it against my skin
and push
then pull
and all of this pain
will flow from my veins
onto the ground
a crimson river

but if it flows too long
or too fast
not only will the pain leave
but the euphoria will start
And before I know it
my arm is covered in gashes
ones that I won't be able to explain

And then
I feel the colors return
and the light flickers back on
and I am happy

so, fine
self harm isn't healthy
but it makes me happy
so why do you take it away?

I have worn the same clothes three days in a row
the same filth
that ingrains onto my skin
and scratches at my heart
slices through everything

It is big enough to cover the ugly mess that is my body
And my arms encase my chest
when I'm not wearing it
Although I know everyone notices
It's not that I can't afford clothes
Its that my mind can't accept them

I have one shirt
It covers my scars
It covers my chest
the one I want to cut off
just to feel like me
it covers my stomach
the one that aches from being empty sometimes
then hurts from being stuffed full

I want to wear different clothes
I don't want to be looked at the way I am
but in the end
This sweatshirt can feel like my only friend

Yes, it is crusted over with blood
on the inside of the left sleeve
but only because
it is making sure I don't bleed out

Yes, maybe it makes me look bigger than I am
but then after a binge
nobody notices the bloating
because the sweatshirt can hide anything

I don't know
where the metaphor ends
and reality begins anymore

Every day
Every second
Every moment
That I am existing
Thoughts of you flash behind my eyelids

Sitting on the bench
When I first started to fall in love with you
I can not comprehend
How someone like me
got so lucky as to be with someone like you

You don't know how much I need you

And I read your poems
Some would say they could be the truest version of oneself
So I read every single one
Over and over
And I cry

Because you are too kind
too beautiful
too perfect
to feel the way you do

You deserve to be surrounded by people that care about you
more than they care for themselves
because you care for all of them
and they know that

You deserve a life without tears
without sorrow
without fear

but I know that fairy tales
and dreams
rarely have an inkling of truth behind them

So I will be there
I will surround you
Care for you
Love you

But even so, I am not perfect
And my sorrow might creep over to you
and because of this
I might try to push you away
to protect you

but you will never leave the back of my mind
And every night
when I close my eyes
I'll be thinking of you

You don't know how much I need you

Isn't it insane
that mental
and physical
are so intertwined
through pain?

Slice your wrists
when you're numb
you won't feel a thing
If you are truly numb
a cut with a blade
is painless

then slowly
as the euphoria subsides
a dull throbbing begins
it's quiet at first
if you listen too hard
it's not there at all

then as the night goes on
and the high is gone
you feel everything
each slice
each word
and at that moment
all you want
is for the numb to return

Eventually
the wounds begin to heal
they don't hurt like they used to
And you are renewed
a blank canvas
null of emotion
and  you pick up the blade again
for all that you want now is the pain to return
to paint your paper red
and to feel everything
once more;

A sad story
Is drawn upon my wrist
Because
I don't want to exist

My thoughts are toxic
I've given up talking
Because no one listens
and no one is watching

as my mind destroys
what's in my heart
And all this poise
was a lie from the start

I want to die
And yet I'm stuck in my mind
Please let me resign
from this excuse for a life.

don't worry I'm fine
But I lie all the time
but I'm fine
trust me this time
I'm in control

100
that's enough
that's all you get
don't be a *****
You're fat

you're a pig
5 bites for breakfast
Nothing for lunch
3 bites of dinner
then go for a run
ha you thought you were done?

We're only getting started
crunches
sit ups
leg lifts
wall sits
you're a ****** up human
look at all this lose skin

those fat thighs
and these white lies
of saying that you're fine
when all of your thoughts
are consumed by this routine
gotta eat clean
only protein

got a b+?
well guess what?
You'll cut yourself
with that blade on the shelf

but the pounds are dropping
what did I say?
but all this jogging
and constant fasting
is not gonna last you
you've gotta eat less
and run more
listen to me
stupid *****
you wanna be pretty?
lucky for you
I don't feel pity

You must be empty
I've told you this
Yet you still insist
On eating this
stupid ****
you don't need that

stop lying
You're not hungry
can you ever be trusted
this isn't funny

Empty
You must stay empty

They all say to drown your demons,
But the ******* learned to swim,
And pushed me under instead.