I’ve always found it easier
To define myself by what I’m not
Because I don't want to be cheesy or
Whatever, so I started smoking ***
And doing things that made my parents queasier
Than if they’d just eaten a bunch of my socks.

But now I don't know who I am
Like, I don't have a defining feature
And it feels like my future is just a sham
Because I’m just an ideology preacher
So pick something and be it, don't be just a **** creature.

Skin torn away and muscle fibers frayed
Bones dry rotted and tendons snapped
Relentless digging delivered disaster
But at least I know now
There's nothing special to me
There's nothing special.

So now that I’m broken and alone
Nothing but edge to hone
All that's left is to be the scythe
Unsheathed and bare before barren fields
And I’ll reap what's sown.

Close the book and let float the boat.
The sea awaits and its monsters
Well, they won't defeat themselves.

Reach inside, unsheathed that sword
Intellect or heart, creativity and art
Use what you grew for why you grew it.

Like the snow in winter
My fall for you was inevitable.
But now I’m lost
With nowhere to go
And no one to know
So shine your light on my crippled form
Maybe even show me how to live again
Let me free from these bonds of tragedy
Show me how to climb up depression's scree.

My first love was the sky….
All my eyes could scry were blue on high.
I couldn't stay in the air long enough to feel the sky's love

My second love was the moon…
lunatic heart harpooned by simple smile's boon.
She was surrounded by stars and I don't shine bright enough.

I tried to love the sun….
platitudes shunned and truth shot from love's gun.
Her light shined on tall trees before me so I took my leave.

There is no strength greater
Than the legs of a man fallen
From love's heights to crater
The mud who then crawls in
The filth of false creators
To rise and stand tall in
The face of fate's masticator.

The puddles pretend depth
With muddy murkiness
Which quickly dries to dirt
When passion's fire gives birth
To love's burning star
Of hearts merged from far.

I need a loving heart to win
And a sea in which to swim
Which boils but stands firm
Strong enough for our sojourn
To home in hope's future
Where together our hearts suture.

The night takes delight in my empty bed plight
But her smile helps fight that downward cast sight
The memory of it
The fantasy of it

Breathy voice makes risky choice seem adroit
By the patch of moist or tent pole foist
Ready for use
Longing for use

But here I am
And there you are
Just a man and so very far
Just a ram and so very hard
Just a dam and so very marred

Don’t look at me with his **** in your throat
I don’t have the heart to see the joy in your eyes
While you guzzle down greed's breed seed.

Don’t moan at me with his **** in your ***
I don’t have the heart to see the pain in your eyes
While coal miners ******* into submission.

Don't cry to me when you inevitably ****** him
I don't have the heart to see you regret your life
While you beat, burn, bury, and drown mankind.

I don't remember when the mask became my face
Or when sight stopped, despite my seeing eyes

And though I dwell in darkness
I do not fear the light.

And though the darkness dwells in me
I do not hate the light.

Take comfort in the sightless
Aimless
Blissful wandering

Like sunlight filtered through
The small holes for the support
Strings of those metal blinds
The memory of us together
always hits me right in the third eye.

It's uncomfortable and distracting
And I’m constantly moving my focus to get away
But all I really want is to be able to say
That I'm glad you came back.

And in the mind/desire mire I set fire
To love's buyer and hide in melancholy’s pyre.
Because the flames consume
Love
Lack
Listing in seas with deep depth black
Soul and song sings some sorrow laden lyric
Because when all is gone there's just
me
Echoing from the deep
Unable to beckon eversleep
Unable to summon the courage to face
What waits when warm embraces erase
The space I’ve put between me and the world.

At the fountain's edge I see you
Resplendent in your cloak of acceptance
Smiling down warmly to the ghouls
Swimming in the pool of fate's fountain.
How I wish to join that naïve bliss
And feel the love the world can offer.

The ocean of my desire aroused by
The motion of her hips gyr'
Remains restrained within
Heart chained by pain
But my fear of being near her
sheer beauty makes me veer
From hope and float
With smoke to note
How harks the dark
When isolation marks stark
Regret's presence
And resonance.

Skin and meat and hunger
Let me eat that flesh you detest
I’ll savor the chewy scars
And sour infections
Savory salty sweat wets my appetite.
The way it slides down between your *******.
Because despite your flaws
It's all delicious.

Materialism mind schism
Religious based holiday chased
Thought of peace bought
Through this nihilistic idealist

I don't need your greed shaming fake god
To know there's more than this
To know.

Take your useless prayer and save some air
For people who need it
Because if your god is real, then you don’t.

Do you see that man clutching a
Heart shaped stone
Wrapped in a cloak of the world
Holding these double edged shields
Of politics, materialism, lust
To protect him from the winds of
Regret, isolation …loneliness.
It must seem foolish
From your outer space perspective
But don't judge him too harshly
He's just broken.

The peak trough life
***** the small one
I know that's not the phrase
But I’ve never seen anyone brag about
******* a small ****
So it must be worse
But I digress
I just want to repress that downward egress
And I don't want pills
I don't know what I want
A woman, mostly.

You're beautiful
But you don't see it
Makes me wish I couldn't either
Because you'll never be mine
No matter how many times
I listen to your struggles
And offer bad advice
You already found your love
And I’m just a nice guy
You know from there.

I realized today that
I’m better at being me
Than I am at being a part of them.
Or us.
It's too easy to be the crutch
To get stuck while helping us out of the ruts.
But when I’m the stress pressed mess...
Step around.

Ever the alien
Ever the desert
Ever the tree standing tall in the field
Watching the forest retreat.

You're pretty and all
But
There's rust on my trust motor
So how about we try out some fun positions
And see where it goes
I know love is more than breathy “oh"s and curled toes
But
My heart can’t take the break
And I don't want to die, I think.

Mine is the life of a chew toy in a kennel.
Rubber skin covered in
Spit
From the ravenous dogs trying to
Rip me apart.

But I’m made for the abuse
And the ******* biting will be long
Dead
Before my skin cracks and colors fade

Finding confidence
Or rather
Finding apathy
What happens when nihilism
Overwhelms pessimism
Overwhelms doubt.

We're just dust organized interestingly
So smile
At me or her or him
And ignore failure’s omnipresence
Enjoy your freedom.

Of expectation
Of not meeting expectations
And I see my peers
Competing for money
For fame
For history
At the peak of this field.

While I write depressing *******
About my ******* depression
As if it matters
As if I matter
Using clichè as a form of self-destruction
Roses kiss the moon and blood
Hah, I forgot the rain.

Blood, hearts, and mud mired mythology
all fail to describe that desire for pale skin and lust's fire.


But I still can't see past the crush,
mind blanks and stomach stabbed by nausea shanks
what the ****.


I feel half my age and not in the good way often espoused by the saged
But in the small way that makes you remember how powerless you were.
How powerless you are.


When the fever breaks you're not getting better.
When the sickness passes you're not getting better.
Scars mar hope's north star.
Until you can't find your way forward.
Until just going anywhere gets you more and more lost.

Re-entry was not kind to me.
After falling’s friction fried my shell
The crater.

Steep walls rim the impact depression,
The rain slowly fills it.
One day I’ll drown, I think.

Such is the price of holding the moon
Of reaching….so far above yourself.
At least I can still see it,
And relive the ascent in memory.

They say I over-think things
That I read too much into things
Or overcomplicate things
The simple, shallow, impulsive
****-ups
Should lament their inability to keep up.

Like a memory of the present
A voice speaks
“I am coming"
Ambiguous meaning
Purpose
Vivid as scratching an itch.
The impression of vast emptiness
Overflowing

I like the dark
And its ness
There's a primal desire
Inside my heart-mind mire
For pale skin and black hair
Piercing decorations
Evil.

Because good pretends it isn't self-interested.
Because light is harsh.
Because at least the women in white faced makeup with
dark eye liner
and dyed black hair
wear their masks openly.

On bent knee with bent back
******
scrapes and cuts on skin pressed into gravel.
Resolute
He endures the downward press,
Taking vengeance on fate.

With shuddering breath,
A growl escapes
Cracked and chewed lips.
Muscles twitch and shiver as effort surges forth,
Willpower made flesh and stubborn
Refusal
To submit to reality's pessimism.

But eventually I’ll get out of bed.

The scientist turns its head away
Horrified by what it saw.
“they eat everything!”
It exclaims, attention shifted to the other experimenter.
Imperious and dispassionate “yes" is replied
“they reproduce voraciously as well.”
The smell of *****
“apparently” it continues “consent is not considered”
A whirring sounds as the observation window closes.
drowning out the weeping from the habitat.
“what should we do?” shudder “the suffering….”
teeth glint
“yes, life is suffering for them.”
Dismissively “send them to that 3rd planet in the backwater system"
Sudden purpose “should we give them the test?”
A chuckle rasps “yes, give them 3 gods and see if they figure it out"
Fear flashes “I hope they don't.”

Fire brain throat teeth
Frustration felt in my entirety.
Sell me something
Beat me at something
Tell me I’m wrong
Dismiss me

**** I’m tired of being the optimism of your life
While you wallow in the filth of your depression
Anxiety pills, relaxing scents, and dreaming peasants

The you and I
In my future bides time
For my dreams to combine
And put you before my gray eyes.

Beautiful light clashes with my ugly darkness
Eradicating the masticating thoughts of rejection

Smile at me please
Maybe my frozen stone heart will unfreeze

In the end
It's all the same
Differences drive me away
And all the guile smiles thrown in my face
Don't erase space between.

There's this box we're given as children.
And inside it are all the tools
and materials
and instructions that
They
want you to use when you make yourself.
None of it is bad,
in fact, most of it is
Probably
pretty positive for your life.
But doesn't it
Burn
your insides up to know
that you're built from a ******* template?
That all you could hope for
is minor alterations to a
Stale
overused and boring design.
Take that box and dump it into the river.

Traveling faster than light
Across cosmic currents can create
A separation

From yourself

From everyone else

The perspective change is strange
Something like wisdom

But it's just an illusion
Reality, that is
You step away and see the clay from which it's all made
Not that it is made, intentionally anyway
If you feel the hands of fate then give me some too
Those drugs must be good.

But I have to go on
Into the great clichè beyond
I’m looking for a woman that I can't find
Won't find, probably.

Whoever coined the phrase
Peace and quiet
Should feel the violence of this silence,
Hear the savage emptiness
Try to sleep in it
Regret that time passes and the morning comes
Let it pull you into that dark hole of
Memories and insecurities.

There is no peace in the quiet.
Or maybe, there just is no peace.

I don’t call myself a poet, though I do write poems.
I think.

I don’t think it's honest to say I am a something.
I prefer to be seen as a someone, anyway.

I presume it's presumptuous to say “I’m of this us!”
And meaningless to minds, whom I want to find,
anyway.

Not everything I write is a poem, but I put thought into it,
attempt to elicit emotion or bend the meanings of words to some poetic end.

So call me what name you want.
Label this thing in your thoughts.
But remember you're missing a lot
by ignoring words and seeing font.

Ignore the signs of mental state decline
I’m fine is the typical reply

Depression is used so often that the word
Loses meaning as quickly as the life its leaning.

And isn't that exactly right?
You get one word to describe your problem
Your feeling overlooked, alien, lonely, and sad.
And society makes that word as useless
As all the others you scream at no one.

Makes me want to burn the world down.

I think I drank too much coffee
I feel like a slow motion explosion
Or the incoming tide of motivation's ocean

Depression interjects
Regression to lonely obsession
Regret opposes repose, daily

I must not be human
Or just one of the few men
With no beau tied to them

There must be something I’m doing wrong
Or something wrong with me
I’m 32 and only been in love once
And just for a few months.
I guess I’m just an ******* who can't sweet talk a princess

This melancholy gets old.
Writing about it gets ******* old.
And the quiet times remind me
that I’m still alone.
I try to drown out the quiet with fans
and videos on YouTube that make
absurd promises.

But my head rests on pillows
and not the fun fleshy kind.
The lifeless, soft, comfortable kind.
My body is warmed by blankets
not a lover.

one becomes One when it's

all added together.

Each piece’s war contributes to

the peace of the whole.

Molecular flow powering

massive structures of little structures.

Structures build structures and fractals

continue as we zoom out

or in.



Can the cell consider the liver?

Can you consider humanity?

Can humanity consider the end of time?



Each decision adds to past.

Causality the molecular flow

of the grand structure of presence.

As inevitable as osmosis driven by

Salt concentration.

That smile bounced off the hull.
I can still feel the vibrations in the metal shell,
all this time later.
I saw it coming, took evasive action
you know, like they do in the movies,
and slammed right into it anyway.
Knocked me off course,
broke some sensors,
sent spinning off into the void for months.
Sensors eventually came back online,
course corrected but forever altered.

Lately I’ve been feeling better
About life and future weather

I don't know when I started feeling bad
Probably when I ripped the scab
That covered the sore
Of love’s lacking lore

But blood's seeping finally stopped
Bleeding.
That hollow is truly empty now.

Rust dust crusts husks
of broken men before
the droop of her pouty lips.

Lust thrusts guts just
in time to feel truly
helpless before those
******* blue eyes.

Blind mind dined fine
on the entrails of
groaning peasants.

Kind grind bind spine
Of the loose backed
Weak kneed man

I still think of her and lament my lack of her….

The grizzled veteran looks out over no-mans land,
scars visible on every part of exposed skin.
Eyes search the horizon
knowing the next assault will come.
…you're ugly…
…you're alone because you're flawed…
…no one wants you…
Each shell lands
near enough to true
cratering my field of resolve

I just want safe hands to hold me.
To give me the peace of mind
of knowing that I won't sleep alone.
That I won't wake to this hellish battlefield.
Someone to shield me from the artillery.
Someone to fill in the craters
and soothe the scars.

Gray, but not depressed,
just homogeneous.
Life running together like the
confluence of yin and yang.
Stark and exactly the same.

The desire for contrast
Manifests as restlessness.
Waiting for something
To happen.
Waiting for thoughts... words
that will never come.

Because I am gray
Because she is vibrant
Whoever she is.