The bullet flew so quickly from the pistol it felt like the blood in my veins stopped for a moment
As if quantum physics were just a mere myth
Of random laws and physicists
Each individual cell and atom in my body stopped and rushed to abyss

Thump, thump.

As the bullet reached the end of your skull, I swore I died instead of you
But instead of dying and leaving the realm of the living I enter bliss and happiness

Flowers scattered over bright green grass for miles,
Soft and whispering wind rushed past my freckled skin
The trees swayed with the wind
It brought an epitome of perfection, only your carcass brought death and decay

Snapping back to reality, your eyes rolled back, and your jaw opened wide
I wanted to tear it open, to give you a somewhat permanent evil smile
Your body hit the ground so hard, the sound vibrated across my body, giving my heart the ability to beat normally again
You looked so peaceful for a mere moment
I swore I could have kissed you even though I despise your very being

Your skin quickly went colorless, and you laid there so still
I burst into panicked laughter, and covered my filthy mouth
It was definitely rude to laugh at someone's death

My stomach growls, and my hands shake with satisfaction
I've finally done it. I killed my insecurities

After a short moment of freedom and what seemed to be like genuine tears of joy...
Your eyes roll back to normal, and they focus me closely
Rising from the ground, you flick your hair back as if the wind blew it out of place
You fix your shirt, as if the blood stains weren't there

"It's so silly to think you could get rid of me so easily," you say.

I'm never going to feel alive ever again

I have been here before, and with this same pen, I express myself through words.
To better understand myself, and to avoid being misunderstood.

Some call it bewitched, but I call it love.
There is an emptiness in the freedom of being alone,
And liberty in being caught in that divine spell.

The day that I stop writing love poetry is the day that my pen's ink will run out,
Along with my sense of connection to humanity.

Love is hard, and so difficult to describe,
Too complex to express simply by stringing words together.
Yet here I am, trying over and over,  
Always feeling limited, unfulfilled, unsatisfied.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been here before, I am comforted by love's familiarity,
Its pleasant tenderness, shining like rays of sun, enveloping me in warmth and sincerity.
Its floral fragrance in the form of beautiful golden sunflowers,
Bundled with red ribbon at the stems, followed by conversations that go on for hours.
Its sweet taste in the form of kisses, followed by more and more and more, all over my cheeks and face,
Until there is not a spot that his lips have not touched, and then I point lower, to a different space.
I want more but I am too timid to say,
But my flushed cheeks and smile gives it away anyway.

But, I've also been here before, reminiscing on this familiarity,
I am then reminded of the heartache that follows, and I get a sense of polarity.
The shattered promises of forever, and the final goodbyes,
The returning of sweaters that smell like him while holding back desperate cries.
The empty and cold interactions as he shuts the door behind him,
The sinking loneliness as I stand in the room that is now increasingly dim.
The racking sobs as my heart begs me to stop doing this to myself,
So, I take the thought of love, lock it in a box, and put it high on a shelf.


But, I have been here before, knowing that I cannot stop,
Love is embedded deep inside of me, it is not something I can just drop.
My heart knows how capable I am to feel such raw emotions,
It flows gracefully through me, and soars with plummeting waves like the ocean.
My heart demands to spark a flame in the one who ignited such feelings inside of me,
It longs and yearns to douse them with love and unwavering loyalty.
It demands to be expressed, through every form of self-expression that I use,
Whether that is poetry, painting, music, whatever outlet I choose to let loose.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been here before, trying to express my feeling of love.
It is difficult and frustrating, and most attempts are ripped apart and disposed of.
I have been trying to describe love for years, and still feel unsatisfied,
The countless filled notebooks are evidence of all the times that I have tried.
I cannot find how to put it simply but in a beautiful way,
I write about it for hours and hours, from night until day.
I want to be cherished for not only who I am, but who I was, and how I came to be,
So instead of writing about love, I will write about how to better love me.

I have not been here before, so I will take it slow,
If it helps you better understand me, please let me know.
This is for you, if you want to love me,
It is complex and it may not come immediately.
Please understand that it will take time,
For you to love me the way that I need, this is not just a rhyme.
This is new to me, I have not been here before,
If it makes you see the real me, for you I will write more.
I have not been here before, but I am still using the same pen,
If you follow my trail of disorganized thinking, please nod every now and then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I am honest, and I will never lie.
I want you to be my best friend before being my guy.
I want to build a sense of familiarity -- to know about you and your life.
I want consistency, continuous communication, so we can avoid all strife.
I want passion and longing, the magnetic pull between our lips and bodies until they unify.
I want "I love you"s to be meaningful, not fillers to be thrown in when our conversation dies.

He must know that the "he" in this story, could also be a she.
My ability to love isn't limited by appearances that fade with time, life’s bittersweet guarantee.
He must know my personality, my strengths, goals, hopes, and dreams,
And when we fight, he must remember that we are not on opposing teams.
He must know how to support me and my life goals, how to motivate me,
When the coldness of the world frightens me, and I search for ways to escape reality.
He must want the best for me, for me to be happy, even if that is not by his side,
If we realize that we are not compatible, or our relationship makes us feel unsatisfied.
He must know my weaknesses, my flaws.
My tendency to push away when I am overwhelmed, and how to find the probable cause.
He must know that though I love to care for others, I am not great at caring for my own body.
My self-destructive nature has a story of its own, and it is not shared with everybody.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to help him understand me,
I have been fighting my demons for a long time, and I can't remove the shackles that would set me free.
He feels a need to fix me, as if I were a broken wine glass,
I tell him to mind his footing, bringing attention to the pieces he should avoid and overpass.
He thinks that sweet words could be the glue to adhere my shards together,
And praises the curvature of my body, accentuated by a jacket made of leather.
He believes that he could love me more than anyone else has, and by doing so, he would mend me,
I quietly sigh, close my eyes, and slowly count to three.

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to make him see,
My broken pieces are not mean to be picked up by fragile hands, nor by anybody.
He learns this when the sharp sting of glass runs along the tips of his digits,
He realizes that the scars on my fingers were from all the attempts I made when I felt brave and ambitious.
Trust me, I have been there before -- I know how much it hurts, I do not want you to share my pain,
I know that I am a sad girl, but still some happiness remains.
I want to embrace this darkness, my ability to feel emotions so immense,
My dear, there is no need to put your fists up in defense.

I have been here before, and I watch him try to fit the pieces together,
But they are sharp, merciless, and weigh much more than a feather.
They are not a puzzle, they do not even fit me anymore,
But he becomes increasingly frustrated, exclaiming that this is more than he asked for.
I try to make him understand that they do not define me,
I only want them to be a visual for my story, I do not need them to be complete, nor to feel free.
I want him to see my past and my struggles, laid on the table,
Only then he will know how intricately strong the roots are that ground me and keep me stable.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been here before, and I don't feel like rhyming anymore,
It took me a long time to understand myself and what I stand for.

The shattered pieces that lay before him are all of the times I've lost a piece of myself;
The innocence that I clung to for so long and had to drop in order to survive and adapt.
The ideologies of supportive families, shattered by abusive alcoholics that no one questioned.
The expectations of loving and supportive friends, broken by betrayal and abandonment.
The life that I once knew, had to leave behind, and the shock that crackled my perspective and forever changed me.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to reassure him,
But he is drowning in my sorrows and has forgotten how to swim.
He feels a need to scare away my demons, and cure what plagues my mind,
He becomes frightened by my pain and wants to protect me, so he covers my eyes.
But my self-destructive nature was never his job to correct,
I try to help him understand that I am grateful, I never meant any disrespect.

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try prove that I am his equal and that we are the same,
I am not expecting him to be anything more than he is, I am not a helpless dame.
But he feels that it is his duty as a man to complete me, to support me, to give me a reason to smile.
I put down my pen, and and stare into his eyes for a while.

Though I may be broken, I am complete on my own.
The only support I want is holding hands as we walk side by side, not in the form of you carrying me.
Our world is beautiful enough to make me smile, I only want to enjoy it alongside you.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

But, I have been here before, and I have been through all that.
For 24 years actually, so that makes me stronger than you.
I am better equipped and more than capable to deal with certain things on my own,
These pieces are not even a part of me anymore.
My demons do not need to be slain by a knight in shining armor, because they are more afraid of me.
They know what I've overcome, and know that I will not take **** from anybody.

I've been here before, and with the same pen, I acknowledge my strength,
I've rebuilt the walls of my wine glass exterior with precise width and length.
I designed them using the knowledge that I have gained from my hardships and where I went wrong,
I shaped and molded them with the experiences that have taught me how to be strong.
And I placed seeds that blossomed when nourished by my own self-determination,
I spent many years adding to my durable and unbreakable flooring and foundation.
I painted the walls crimson red, and hung golden accents on the ceiling,
And laid mats to meditate on when I am hurting and need healing.

I have been here before, and I've created this for myself,
I will invite you in, if you'd like to see it for yourself.
I am strong, I am intelligent, and I hope to be more brave,
But I am a lover and a fighter, so please don't think that I need to be saved.
I want to share this beautiful experience of life with you,
But it is not a journey that you have to carry me through.
We will put on comfortable shoes and make our way together,
And we'll prepare for obstacles, challenges, and unpleasant weather.

I have been here before, and I see that look in his eyes,
The corners of his lips curl down and he feels the need to apologize.
I don't need an apology, or for you to change who you are,
Let's enjoy our time together and have a cigar.
The universe granted us to exist alongside each other, and we have crossed paths for a reason,
So please enjoy the warm weather with me this season.
There are so many beautiful sights out there,
I don't care what we do, or where we go, we can go to Times Square!
As long as I'm by your side, and you love me,
In the most pure, raw, and passionate form, it would make me so happy.
Put on the other headphone in and listen to this song,
I think now that you understand how to better love me, you can do no wrong.
I put my pen down as we listen along,
I dedicate a playlist to him, filled with love songs.

I have been here before, and even though my pen is down,
It seems that I cannot and will not stop expressing love.

♡♡♡


"TEACHINGS ADVISE AGAINST FORMING ATTACHMENTS."
To avoid it as much as possible;
Nothing or no one is guaranteed to last forever.
One must avoid materialistic ambition and luxurious desires,
Blink and rub away their hungry, dollar sign eyes.
Greed and longing for possessions that are often obtained
To impress people that do not even care about you
For one could never place a numerical value
On the breathtaking

                                              wonde­r

                                              that

                                              is

                                              you.
  

♡♡♡


"ATTACHMENT TO PEOPLE LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT."
One cannot rely on another for happiness;
For people may leave you, abandon you, hurt you.
You cannot ever truly know someone's thoughts and feelings;
Whether their ill intentions and snake eyes are hidden well
Behind pearly whites and cold, empty embraces.  
Those who you would gladly endure hardships for,
Bleed, cry, sweat, fight, suffer for,
Could abandon or betray you whenever they choose;
Thus, ultimately

                                              leaving­

                                              you

            ­                                  truly

                                              empty.


♡♡♡


"Y­OU SHOULD FIND HAPPINESS WITHIN YOURSELF."
For you will always be there for you;
A simple guarantee that is overlooked and forgotten
As one's perspective shifts from minimalism to materialism.
Love the way you capture thoughts and ideas,
   The way you intertwine two differing sides of your brain with ease
   Intelligence, creativity, peculiarity and individuality is exercised
   In the imagination of your bewildering, complex mind.
Love the way your physical body safeguards your untamable spirit,
   The way it coats the essence of your being in a protective shell
   Like the undying tenderness each speck of stardust
   Has for the immensely astonishing galaxy that it composes.
Love the way you are able to feel raw, passionate love
   That ****** and tugs at your delicate heart strings
   And gallops down each vertebrae of your spine
   In a jolt so vigorous that your mind, body, and spirit
   Unite to form an explosive feeling that can only be experienced
   When you watch her jaw drop in awe at the beauty that is

                                              within

                                              a

                                              fiery

          ­                                    sunrise.


♡♡♡


I SUBMERGE IN THE INTRICATE BEAUTY THAT SURROUNDS ME.
I become deeply infatuated, captivated, inspired
At the mesmerizing magnificence that constructs a single being.
It may just simply be my tendency to pay attention to detail
As a perfectionist's mind can appreciate small things
Oftentimes timidly, quietly, and from afar,
But nonetheless immensely deep and passionately
To the point where I cannot find words for such beauty;
The most I can do is curl the corners of my mouth upwards
And allow an exhilarated sigh to

                                              escape

                                              my

                                              parted

         ­                                     lips.


♡♡♡


I WANT TO CONTINUE LOVING, UNDERSTANDING, AND CONNECTING.
Hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts, personalities, quirks, mannerisms;
Every single aspect of a being who I am blessed to exist with
Sparks a curiosity in me that is unmovable and insatiable.
It gently takes my hand and journeys me through an alluring dance
Of exploration, adoration, and understanding
Spinning and swaying to music that reverberated in our unified souls,
Who's tune and melody sparked and crackled
Magma and fire in our core,
Who's beat and rhythm soothed and eased
Streams of water through our veins
Until we

                                              collapsed

                                              in

                                              the

                                              most

                                              beautiful

                                              way.


♡♡♡


I have never felt so free,

So happy,

So alive.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her;
The sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery,
The delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five,
The selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another,
The scent of new books in the store,
The surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you;
Your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality,
Your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly,
Your mindless humming when it is too quiet,
Your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper,
Your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite,
And more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is.
When you make her feel that she is replaceable.
She wants to feel cherished.
When you make her feel that you are fleeting.
She wants you to stay.
When you make her feel inadequate.
She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent.
You must trace her weakest spots.
You must write to her.
You must remind her that you are there.
You must know how long it takes for her to give up.
You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed.
And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I'd rather have you on my lips
than these countless cigarettes,


     But you aren't my
     seven-minute cigarette break.


          I'm not going to put you out
          after sparking you up.

Trying to fall asleep in a room whose windows I can’t open
My legs are tickling with jolts of energy that I’m too tired to put to good use
Or use at all
I’m this room, I waste so many days
Wishing, wondering, longing, yearning for better things
But I’m getting too familiar with this feeling of unsatisfactory living  
The disappointing drop in my stomach of what could’ve been is just getting old now  
It’s making me mad, how did I let it get this bad?  
I’m tired of it, it’s exhausting my drive for life, or for anything really
It’s all I’ve ever known, it’s the only forever that I’m used to
But it’s okay,
“I’m just tired.”

It doesn’t matter what they all say
“You’re beautiful the way you are”  
If I don’t feel it myself, there is no point
My body is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place of love and care
But the only thing that I’ve done is slice the walls that holds it together
Feed it what it craves instead of what it needs
Force it to endure emptiness, refusing to give it its necessities
As if that would make anything better
But I swear when I look the way I want to look, I’ll feel so much better
If I don’t feel beautiful, your words mean nothing to me
But it’s okay,
“I’m just tired.”

It’s true, I’m tired to my bones
My mind has been exhausted of feeling this way from long ago
I am 22, but I don’t feel nor look it
I have skin that sags, lines that are wrinkled, and features that I shouldn’t have to worry about
At such a youthful, fruitful age
I’m supposed to be at my prime, I’m supposed to feel free
But I’ve never felt so caged, so afraid to be me
Afraid to step into the spotlight and show myself to everyone I meet
Because maybe there’s a love handle that’s hanging out of my jeans
I don’t need encouragement, I don’t need positivity, I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty
I need money and independence and drive
That I can’t seem to get because
“I’m just so tired.”

Sometimes the monsters that we see in our lives aren't necessarily ugly, gory, nor ******

They could have the most sincere-looking smiles;
Flowing, golden locks;
Bold eyes that almost sparkle they speak about something they're passionate about;
Maybe their teeth are so white and straight that anyone would feel insecure about their own;
Maybe their hobbies and talents are similar to yours, and you think that there's no other person out there who could be better of a friend than them, who also remembers all the lyrics of that Red Hot Chili Peppers song;
They could have cute freckles on their nose, or scars that just make them look that much more awesome to you;
Or maybe this person was a huge part of your childhood, and you think they could never abandon you;
They could seem like a good person because they volunteer, go to Church, or participate in organizations;
Perhaps they're close with your other friends, and there's no way they would pick someone mean to join your group;


They could look similarly to any other person in your life,
But they have a vile heart;
They only became close with you to know all your problems, secrets, goals and dreams, and to crush you from the inside out;
They could pretend to be friends with you, only to benefit from it themselves;
They'll ask you nicely, then rip you apart;
They'll get close with your parents: "Hi Mrs. Ferne, you look lovely today!" And will make your parents wish they were you;
They could talk behind your back, and wish for the moment of your downfall to come as quick as possible;
They could pick at your insecurities and make you feel bad about yourself, then end it with a "I'm just kidding!"

Monsters aren't just in movies;
Even the devil was a beautiful angel once.

I N T R O D U C T I O N
HOW TO EXPRESS LOVE

“Some call it bewitched, but I call it love.
There is an emptiness in the freedom of being alone,
And liberty in being caught in that divine spell.”

I have been here before, and with this pen, I express myself through words.
To better understand myself, and to avoid being misunderstood.
The day that I stop writing love poetry is the day that my pen's ink will run out,
Along with my sense of connection to humanity.
Love is hard, and even more difficult to describe,
Too complex to express simply by stringing words together.
Yet here I am, trying over and over,  
Always feeling limited, unfulfilled, and unsatisfied.

I have been here before, trying to express my feelings when in love.
It is frustrating, and most attempts are ripped apart and disposed of.
I have been trying to describe love for years, and still feel unsatisfied,
The countless filled notebooks are evidence of all the times that I have tried.
I cannot find how to put it simply but in a beautiful way,
I could write about it for hours and hours, from night until day.
But to fully understand love, I must reflect back and see,
How I love, how I was loved, and how I love me.
____________

P A R T  O N E
HOW I LOVE

I have been here before, I am comforted by love's familiarity,
Its pleasantness, shining like rays of sun, enveloping me in warmth and sincerity.
Its floral fragrance in the form of beautiful golden sunflowers,
Bundled with red ribbon at the stems, followed by conversations that go on for hours.
Its sweet taste in the form of kisses all over my cheeks and face,
Until there is not a spot that his lips have not touched, and I point lower to a different space.
I want more but I am too timid to say,
But my rosy cheeks and bashfulness give it away anyway.

But, I've also been here before, reminiscing on this familiarity,
I am then reminded of the heartache that follows, and I get a sense of polarity.
The shattered promises of forever, and the final goodbyes,
The returning of sweaters that smell like him while holding back desperate cries.
The empty and cold interactions as he shuts the door behind him,
The sinking loneliness of standing alone in a room that is now too dim.
The racking sobs as my heart begs me to stop doing this to myself,
So, I take the thought of love, lock it in a box, and tuck it away on a high shelf.

But, I have been here before, knowing that I cannot stop,
Love is embedded deep inside of me, it is not something I can just drop.
My heart knows how capable I am to feel such raw emotions,
It flows gracefully through me, and soars with plummeting waves like the ocean.
My heart demands to spark a flame in the one who ignited these feelings inside of me,
It yearns to douse them with loving adoration and unwavering loyalty.
It demands to be expressed, through every form of self-expression that I use,
Whether that is poetry, painting, music, or whatever outlet I choose to let loose.
____________

P A R T  T W O
HOW TO LOVE ME

I long to be cherished for not only who I am, but who I was, and how I came to be,
So instead of writing about love, I will write about how to better love me.
I have not been here before, so I will take it slow,
If it helps you better understand me, please let me know.
This is for you, if you want to love me,
It is complex and it may not come immediately.

Please understand that it will take time,
For you to love me the way that I need, this is not just a rhyme.
This is new to me, I have not been here before,
If it makes you see the real me, for you I will write more.
I have not been here before, but I am still using the same pen,
If you follow my trail of disorganized thinking, please nod every now and then.

I am honest, and I will never lie.
I want you to be my best friend before being my guy.
I want to build a sense of familiarity, to know about you and your life.
I want consistent communication so we can avoid all strife.
I want passion and longing, the magnetic pull between our lips as they unify.
I want "I love you"s to be meaningful, not fillers when our conversation dies.

He must know that the "he" in this story, could also be a she,
My ability to love isn't limited by appearances that fade with time, life’s bittersweet guarantee.
He must know my personality, strengths, goals, and my dreams,
And when we fight, he must remember that we are not on opposing teams.
He must know how to support me and my life goals, how to motivate me,
When the coldness of the world makes me search for ways to escape reality.


He must want the best for me, for me to be happy, even if that is not by his side,
If we realize that we are not compatible, or our relationship makes us feel unsatisfied.
He must know my weaknesses, my flaws,
My tendency to push away when overwhelmed, and how to find the probable cause.
He must know that though I love to care for others, I am not great at caring for my own body.
My self-destructive nature has a story of its own, and it is not shared with everybody.
____________

P A R T  T H R E E
HOW I WAS LOVED

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I tell him about my life,
Like the times I fought bare-****** against life’s merciless and cold knife.  
I am not a hero, not even in my own story,
But I am not one to boast or seek any type of glory.
I have grown and matured from my battles, so do not be afraid,
There is no reason for you to rush to my aid.
I find myself apologizing for the scars that I embedded on my own skin,
Sometimes it was easier to find comfort at the bottom of my bottle of gin.
I am withered, no longer beautifully brand-new,
So I apologize for sometimes randomly feeling sad out of the blue.

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to help him understand me,
I am bound by my demons, and can't remove the shackles that would set me free.
He feels a need to fix me, as if I were a broken wine glass,
I bring attention to the glass pieces on the floor that he should avoid and overpass.
He thinks that sweet words could be the glue to adhere my shards together,
And praises the curvature of my body, accentuated by a jacket made of leather.
He believes that he could love me more than anyone else has, and by doing so, he would mend me,
I quietly sigh, close my eyes, and slowly count to three.



I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to make him see,
My broken pieces are not meant to be picked up by fragile hands, nor by anybody.
He learns this when the sharp sting of glass runs along the tips of his digits,
Understanding that my scarred fingers were from all the attempts I made when I felt brave and ambitious.
Trust me — I know how much it hurts, I do not want you to share my pain,
I know that I am a sad girl, but still, some happiness remains.
I want to embrace this darkness, my ability to feel emotions so immense,
My dear, there is no need to put your fists up in defense.

I have been here before, and I watch him try to fit the pieces together,
But they are merciless and weigh much more than a feather.
They are not a puzzle, they do not even fit me anymore,
But he becomes frustrated, exclaiming that this is more than he asked for.
I try to make him understand that they do not define me,
I only want them to be a visual for my story, I do not need them to feel free.
I want him to see my past and my struggles laid on the table,
Only then he will know how strong the roots are that ground me and keep me stable.


I have been here before, and I don't feel like rhyming anymore,
It took me a long time to understand myself and what I stand for.

He thinks I am a broken wine glass, but he does not understand.
The glass shards that lay before him are all of the times I've lost a piece of myself;
The innocence that I clung to for so long, and had to let go of in order to survive and adapt.
The ideologies of supportive families, shattered by abusive alcoholics that no one questioned.
The expectations of loving and supportive friends, broken by betrayal and abandonment.
The life that I once knew, had to leave behind, and the shock that crackled my perspective and forever changed me.





I have been here before, and with the same pen, I try to reassure him,
But he is drowning in my sorrows and has forgotten how to swim.
He feels a need to scare away my demons, and cure what plagues my mind,
He becomes frightened by my pain and wants to protect me, so he covers my eyes.
But my self-destructive nature was never his job to correct,
I try to show him that I am grateful, I never meant any disrespect.

I have been here before, and with the same pen, I express that I am his equal and that we are the same,
I am not expecting him to be anything more than he is, I am not a helpless dame.
But he feels that it is his duty as a man to complete me, to support me, to give me a reason to smile.
I put down my pen, and stare into his eyes for a while.


Though I may be broken, I am complete on my own.
The only support I want is holding hands as we walk side by side, not in the form of you carrying me.
Our world is beautiful enough to make me smile, I only want to enjoy it alongside you.
____________

P A R T  F O U R
HOW I LOVE ME

I have been here before, and I have been through all that.
For 23 years, so that makes me stronger than you.
I am better equipped to deal with certain things on my own,
Those broken pieces are not even a part of me anymore.
My demons do not need to be slain by a knight in shining armor, because they are more scared of me.
They know what I've overcome, and know that I will not take **** from anybody.

I've been here before, and with the same pen, I acknowledge my strength,
I've rebuilt the walls of my broken wine glass exterior with precise width and length.
I designed them using the knowledge that I gained from where I went wrong,
I shaped and molded them with the experiences that taught me how to be strong.
And I planted flowers that blossomed when nourished by my own self-determination,
I spent many years adding to the durable and unbreakable flooring and foundation.
I painted the inner walls crimson red, and hung golden accents from the ceiling,
And laid down mats for meditating when I am hurting and need healing.

I have been here before, and I've created this for myself,
I will invite you in, if you'd like to see it for yourself.
I am strong, I am intelligent, and I hope to be more brave,
But I am a lover and a fighter, so please don't think that I need to be saved.
I want to share this beautiful experience of life with you,
But it is not a journey that you have to carry me through.
We will put on comfortable shoes and make our way together,
And we'll prepare for obstacles, challenges, and unpleasant weather.

I have been here before, and I see that look in his eyes,
The corners of his lips curl down and he feels the need to apologize.
I don't need an apology, or for you to change who you are,
Let's enjoy our time together and have a cigar.
The universe granted us to cross paths for a reason,
So please enjoy the warm weather with me this season.

There are so many beautiful sights out there,
I don't care what we do, or where we go, we can go to Times Square!
As long as I am by your side, and you love me,
In the purest and passionate form, it would make me so happy.
Put the other headphone in and listen to this song,
I think now that you better understand me, you can do no wrong.
I put my pen down as we listen along,
I dedicate a playlist to him, filled with love songs.

I have been here before, and even though my pen is down,
It seems that I cannot and will not stop expressing love.

Like a sweet tooth,
I ache to satisfy the
burning longing
to have a taste of you.

I crave your inviting eyes
that explored my
chocolate sprinkled skin,
and the wandering hands
that they belonged to.

I thirst to lick your sugared lips,
covered with fine, powdered
evidence of jelly-filled
baked confectionery.

I indulge in the attention
that you surround me in,
and like a candy covering,
your sweet embrace
empowers my
strawberry taste.

I graze the sweetness
of your mouth with the
tip of my tongue and swallow,
feeling your sweetness
spread over my taste buds,
sending me on a sugar high
that pumped me with
delicious satisfaction
until I crackle
like the opening
of a soda can.

You are my sunshine in the Winter days, warming up my pale skin and making me feel as if I'm in a bed of roses;
My cool breeze on those hot summer nights, that cool me down from the laughter and smiles from that amazing summer we spent together;
The colorful leaves that cover the grass on Fall afternoons, which momentarily rustle in a whispered melody;
You are the beautiful waves that crash against the shore;
The goosebumps that form on the entire surface area of my very being, jolts and warmth are like shooting stars down my spine.

You are the love of my life.

We sat down, watching the sunset with an unwavering gaze
The brilliant oranges, crisp yellows, and hot reds filling the heavens
The fiery orb was slowly dipping below the horizon
My heart fluttered at the epitome of perfection

I feel his rough hand touch my thigh
It slowly traces its way up my pale surface
He ***** my cold neck aggressively
Radiating pain and warmth jolts glistens down my spine
Unwanted thoughts begin to cloud my mind

Does he see the beauty that surrounds him, or just me?
Am I standing in the way of what is astonishing and amazing?
Do I disturbe the universe and its brilliance?

His lips reach for mine
I can feel the burning sting of his galaxy-hued love bite

He does not see the beauty I see

Maybe one day I'll feel perfect

When I can put my hands on my hips and only feel bones
When my skin is as cold as stones
Then maybe I'll feel alive
But I'll just be a walking corpse

Deep, darkened, hallowed eyes
So far out the sockets, they almost burst at the sight of you
Or maybe they'd bleed when I catch you looking at someone else

Is it my sagging skin
Or my excessive waste of space
That brought her between?

I swear there was only room for you and me

I wish I could explain the trembles  that run through my body and muffled screams that escape my lips when I wake from a nightmare. It always has the same storyline: you are dead.

"I swear I'm okay,  well I think I am. The blade is so close to my skin. I promise I'll feel better after I hurt myself a little. Just a little pinch. Please. Just a fast and smooth razor against my clammy, thin surface. It won't happen again. I promise. There will be no scar. Stop trying to help, I'm f--"

I swore my veins almost burst into demonic butterflies that faded into the universe.

You let me feel alive.
I'm okay.
I think.

Like a blissful wave along the edge of
a peachy beach,
          Your touch soothes
          and washes over my form,
                    Enveloping me in a
                    blanket of turquoise,
                              Gently caressing over
                              the warmth of my body,
                                       Flooding my cheeks with
                                        rosy timidity until I
                                             become absolutely
                                             breathless and reach
                                                  for the  
                                                  surface.

Like the tides that soar and plunge into a rippling current,
          Touching you submerges
          and captivates me,
                    Leaving me gasping for air
                    as I effortlessly become
                    mesmerized by you,
                              While the tips of my fingers
                              curiously explore the
                               epitome of perfection
                                        that is
                                        you.

Maybe one day you will understand
The angst that fills my heart
When I wake up and there's no one there  

At that moment, I realize I am alone
My eyes adjust to the darkness
They fleet to the blue Christmas lights
That remind me of your eyes
Beautiful
Bright
Filled with happiness
Your smile,
The way it curves perfectly on your face
Your stupid adorable face.
Your ***** blonde hair that smells like shampoo
Your cologne that makes me weak
The scent of your skin
The sparkle in your eyes when you see me
The shape of your lips
The whiteness of your perfect teeth
The sculpted collar bones and shoulders
My red lipstick kiss marks that fill your neck and cheek
The way my body fits against yours is just right
The appreciation and love you have for me when I cook for you
The look right before a passionate kiss
The blushed, big cheeks that rise with every smile
The little white spot at the bottom of your bottom lip, just in the middle
The way you rub my arm so gently because you know it helps me sleep
The way you hold me when you know I'm having a bad dream

Waking up to you is the best way to start my day.

Please be here in the morning,
I miss you so much.
Please.

A woman with curves is still a woman with words
You can ignore the fact that there are fragile cobwebs of veins and capillaries keeping her heart pumping
Pumping so fast just for you
She is not just a pretty face with a tiny waist
Smooth thighs and plump lips
She holds a good head on her pale shoulders
Although her gorgeous brown hues are distracting
You cannot forget that she is beautiful
Not externally, but her knowledge, traits, hobbies
Things that she is passionate about creates a glimmer in her eyes
That you would never see while staring down her shirt
She knows you are bad for her, but reminding you of her favorite books, philosophers, and art keeps her there
The traits you know about her don't seem to matter
When her delicate fingers trace down your spine
She is trying to recreate the feeling she gets when you look at her
The way her lips curl in a smile at the sight of you
Is ignored by your eyes wandering to the roundly shape of her body
You will never love her like she deserves

If you were to have one wish, what would you wish for?

Would it be to walk forevermore along the beach shore?
Or to be the most skilled one on the dance floor?
Or to go back in that time when you attempted to rob a liquor store?
Would it be to be covered in diamonds and gold galore?
What about rocking your way through the stage its door?
Or not to be filled with the burden of your best friend's death anymore?

It is the deepest of desires and wishes of others that I simply adore:
The way their eyes shine and glimmer as if they are made of precious ore
It is the fact that I can read one's mind and thoughts so easily, even before
It would put my closest friends and family into a snore

I could tell their lies and false words, although against it they swore
Is it really such a burden to find what's behind the heart and its core?
"I don't understand your reasonings, it must be something you adore."
My grandmother would tell me before shutting the front door
"I hope one day your faith in humanity would restore,
For one your young age should not have a heart that is this wore."
But even I could tell her words were filled with deplore

The stress and anxiety caused me to bite the inside of my cheeks would become sore
And the kids at school would push me around and call me a *****
As if it that awful word had no meaning, then school suddenly became a chore,
Almost clawing my way, refusing to go as I was pulled out the front door
"She was never like this, not even once before. She was such as sweet child, around when she was four...
But even when she was small she wished to be washed up dead ashore."

There is nothing more
            that I wish
                        than to not
                                    feel like this.


The frustrations and sorrows
That fill me to the brim
Overwhelm me, eventually engulfing
My inner-self and my will

That always come second
To the weapon of my choosing
Now becoming dull
As I continue this self-abusing

In this battle versus the world,
I'm the one that's losing
Not the demons that found shelter inside of me
That kick their feet up
While they're cruising

But my gentle nature
Seemed to welcome them with open arms
Please help me,
When will I know when to sound the alarms?

What if I'm not meant to be
The hero in my own story?
I was never one to boast,
Or seek any type of glory

I just hoped to be a good girl
With graceful sensuality
But all society ever seems to worry about is
Finishing your ******* degree

My soul is hurting,
Can you see that I'm aching
In places that his hands explored
But weren't his for the taking?

I can't see clearly,
And my voice keeps breaking
I'm holding my own mouth
Because my lips won't stop shaking

It's affecting my breathing, my chest hurts
It's all heartbreaking
Especially seeing yourself lose
White flag waving above you

The darkness now overtaking

When trying to remove certain individuals from your life, close the door completely behind them when they leave
Do not allow little cracks or openings
There will always a breeze that will gush through, and it will remind you of the most intricate yet beautiful memories

The way their hands ran against the indents and bumps of your freckled skin
The way their lips pressed against your delicate soft spots, and made butterflies flutter through your veins
The way their familiar voice rumbled through your body and shook you to the bone with every syllable of their words
The way they smell when their lips are centimeters away from yours, radiating heat and longing before a kiss
The way they taste of alcohol and desire, the aroma lingering on your own taste buds as his tongue dances with yours
The way he pulls you closer, longing and want flickering through his brilliant hues as he gazes into yours

You start to remember the dimples or unique marks that covered his golen skin
The way his cuticles and fingernails were well taken care of
How he liked to spay cologne on the side of his neck and spread it with a rough hand
The way he walked towards you after being apart, as if you were the most priceless and beautiful jewel
The glistens of sparks and warmth that formed in your core and spread through your blood at the mere thought of his genuine smile

It's the little reminders that gush through the opened cracks of the door you did not lock behind them when they left

The cold wind will always blow through and lick at your skin, forming a lacy sheet of ice on your very surface

Once you have chilled to the bone, the memories and details are the only thing you have that warm your broken heart strings and ease you of your pain

Eventually you will want to be warm again, so you open the door and allow them to pummel through the layers of ice and heartache with a sinister smile engraved on their lips

They know you will never break through the shackles that are holding you from freedom.

But you think it is okay to allow him to come back, because him warmth allowed you to feel your own hands now...

Am I all that you think about?
While your hands search for me in your bed, now a familiar route?
All that’s left behind is my scent that lingered in your room,
And a red lipstick kiss mark on the mirror in your bathroom.

You deeply long for me when I'm out of sight,
And then you ask me if I want to come over for the night.
You love the way I look during the late-night hours,
With fading makeup after our long and steamy showers.

Your unwavering gaze watches my shoulders glistening,
And I furrow my brows and wonder if you're actually listening.
You become mesmerized by the way my lips form words,
In our late-night talks until we hear songs from morning birds.

You find comfort in my loving embrace and affection,
But your eyes remain fixated on the curvature of my complexion.
Especially when I wear my garter belt with the strap,
Your mind wanders to what is in between my thigh gap.

Sometimes you are lucky, sometimes not,
Depending on how gently you tease and caress my soft spot.
You like it when I want it, when I want you,
When my gaze invites you closer with only one eye blue.

My sweet scent fills your nose and lungs,
And you can almost taste me at the tip of your tongue.
My breaths become deep and slow,
You watch each exhale as they leave my torso.

But our exchange is interrupted by a cigarette
Being held between lips that glossed shiny when wet.
The cherry burns as bright as your desire,
And all you want to do is quench your own fire.

The last remaining evidence of me is that lipstick-covered ****,
And the window I left open and didn't completely shut.
There aren't any clothes that you can smell or hold,
But you search for me anyway in the room now dim and cold.

You look at your phone as it's almost night again,
And find yourself thinking of me more than every now and then.
You start to miss the familiarity you've become used to,
And you wonder if I know or even have a clue.

But I am a quiet passerby, barely leaving a trace,
Yet you can't stop thinking about caressing the side of my face.
My presence is mysterious as if I were a ghost,
Yet I am the girl that you think of the most.

You can't get what you want because I won't let you have it,
You want me to yourself yet refuse to be honest and admit.
You are left wondering what it means and what we are,
But I love the chase and the progress we've made so far.

The next time you see me, your heart skips a beat,
And we later find ourselves tangled in your bedsheet.
Our bodies unify as you gaze into my eyes,
Then watch as you make my back arch for the skies.

We collapse together and drift into a dream,
Until you open your eyes to the same recurring theme.
You search for me on the other side of your bed,
And find nothing but a few strands belonging to a redhead.

Am I all that you think about?

I cannot protect you from life's tough lessons
But I can support you by lending my hand

You won't be alone while I am by your side
For I am right there

I will take the hits like a tank
I'll provide healing with my love
I'll forever be by your side
Even when I'm ill

I cannot promise you that I will to take all the effects of heartaches, death, and pain
For those are what hurt the soul the most and make you never forget

But I can promise you that you are never alone
I will shine my light in your path so that you can find your way again

You are so beautiful, but lost in hurt and pain
You would like to be alone at times but you don't have to be while I'm there

Don't forget who you are, because you are so dear to me
Don't darken your soul because of what he failed to make you see
The amazing person that you are
Beautiful, and capable of so much

You don't need him to complete you
You don't need him to be happy  
For you are your own warm hearted soul so genuine and free

"You have that medicine I need.
Shoot it up, straight through the heart please."

He flashed his million dollar smile, and took my soul away with ease
Licking the surface of my cold skin, as it trembled with deficiency

He left a trail of love bruises down my neck and chest
"Please don't hurt me," I dared to suggest

His bruises were his way of saying "Mine."
I closed my wet eyes, and counted slowly to nine

He never understood me after all
All I wanted was to be wanted
Not by him, but by them all

You'd never find the beauty in the smell of the rain
The cool breeze that flows by when your skin is rosy and sunburnt
The intricate details of a wet drop on a cigarette
From the tears of mourning and saddened green hues

You will never understand why she prefers to run outside in bare feet
Feeling each leafy blade of grass against the soles of her surface
The way the sugary ray of sun hits the spots of her form that exentuate her soft lips
Or bouncy curls of individual strands of red hair

You don't understand why you feel she is happier than you would ever be
She's sees the beauty in everything
Including you

"The last time I missed him was when I had just come inside from smoking a cigarette
Cold shivers racing down my spine and spreading across my skin like a thin sheet of lacy ice
Covering every inch of my pale, freckled surface
The cold licked under my clothes and made my teeth chatter

He would grab my Popsicle-temperatured fingertips and hold them in his magma hands
The exchange of touch warming the blood in my veins
Capillaries dilate, and my heart swells
He holds me in his arms while rocking me side to side
Kissing my forehead, warming every unsettling physical feeling
Holding a candle to my heart
My core is on fire.

That happens every night before I sleep
And unlike you, I don't have someone to curl up next to the bed at night when I'm cold
So yes,
I am turning up the temperature, *****."

We meet again on a cold September night
You had someone else with you, and her eyes were burning holes in my face from her stares
"Hi, it's nice to see you." You say to me
A sincere smile forms on your lips
You let go of her hand and wrap your arms around me
Your scent fill my lungs, and I swallow the lump in my throat
I stand still, enjoying what I knew would be a short embrace
She fake coughs, and looks the other way
You let go of me, and notice my stillness
Your smile drops, and your eyes fleet to the ground
You're everything I've ever wanted and so much more
I wipe my tears, "I'm so happy for your engagement. I knew you'd find the one."
Your hand is grabbed by hers again
Her skinny pale hand holds yours so perfectly
Maybe in a way mine never would
Her ring sparkles in my direction
The ring that could have been mine  

You fall on your knees, and sob in your hands
And put a heavy hand on my gravestone
If only you could see my true ghost form
I'm crying, tears that resemble those of an Angel's
Hitting the ground with sad melody

I used to be the love of his life
Before cancer took me away

"I want you to be happy, even if it's with someone else." I told him during the few left moments on my death bed.
"I'll never love anyone else. I love you. I'll always love you." He sobbed, and rested his wet face on my cold hand.
"I'm so sorry. I wish we could have the life we always wanted. Kids, marriage, travel.." He quickly interrupted me, "It's not your fault. Don't you dare say it's your fault."
Reality hit me then: I realized I couldn't control my death
The machine that monitored my heart date suddenly decreased into almost a straight line
The panicked nurses fill the room, and quickly tell him he has to leave
He begs them to let him stay
But is unsuccessful in convincing
I smile at him, and mouth "I love you"
And he sobs out loud,"I love you more. I'll see you soon. You'll be okay."
He nurses all huddled around me, trying to delay my death
But I knew what was coming
"I don't want to die, I don't want to die!"  I exclaim, tears flowing down my face
I wanted to marry him, to have children with him, to travel the world by his side, to tell him I love him every single day, to cook for him and to feel happiest by his side..
But it all ended at that moment.

You then put your other hand on my gravestone, and I snap back to reality, away from that upsetting flashback
"I can't do this, I can't marry you." You say looking up at your fiancé, clutching the gravestone as if it would bring me back to life.
The girl's eyes narrow, and sadness fills her eyes
And after a short moment, her face turns mean
"She died when you were both 19, and you're still not over her?! She's gone. She's never coming back. But I'm here, and I'm not going to die." She angrily folds her arms.
You continue to sob, shaking your head.
Her anger turns into fury. "Fine, you can be with your precious little dead girlfriend." And throws her engagement ring at you
I bring my hand out to catch it, and it goes right through my ghostly hand
She turns on the ***** of her feet, and heads for the parking lot
Then turns back around and kicks my grave
"I hope she's in Hell." She flips you the *******, and leaves again

You fix my grave, and clench your teeth
"I wish you were here."
You sit cross legged in front of my grave, and I sit in front of you
"What a keeper," I put a hand up to clean your tear
And you put the ring in front of me
"You'll always be my wife, the love of my life. No one can replace you. I love you."

I occasionally
miss the

     hushed moaning,
     low groaning,

          spine curling,
          hips swirling,

               sheet ripping,
               tight gripping,

                    mind blowing,
                    lust glowing,

                         possessive cornering,
                         stern ordering,

                              blood rushing,
                              cheeks flushing,

                                   filthy whispering,
                                   thighs quivering,

                                        back scratching,
                                        *** smacking,

                                             neck licking,
                                             collarbone kissing,

                                                  leg twitching,
                                                  posi­tion switching,

                                                     ­  delicious teasing,
                                                       peak reaching,

                                                      ­      sensitive rubbing,
                                                        ­    deep *******,

                                                       ­          bodies clapping,
                                                       ­          air gasping,

                                                       ­               rhythm quickening,
                                                     ­                 drool thickening,

                                                    ­                       pleasure releasing,
                                                      ­                     satisfaction unceasing


ecstasy of your
body crashing
against
mine.

"So you loved her and I loved you
As tragic love songs go
With her as the sun and I as the moon
With me in the background
As she made you swoon
While I had my heart break
And she had hers glow
I tasted my sorrow
And drowned in my woes
But I get why you picked her
I now understand
For reasons I know that I can't reprimand
For I'd also pick diamonds
With beauty so grand
Over something so
Boring and plain as the sand"

I've never felt so genuinely sad
It's almost beautiful

"Stop looking at her in phases,
You must understand she is always full.

Even on nights when she hides
in plain sight you must not be
afraid to acknowledge her
darkness."

If we existed in different dimensions
I would be the one that failed to be anything extraordinary

I would be the one that cared too much, and trusted too easily
The one who swore she wouldn't become this way
The one who let herself go, and winced at the pain of the world crashing on top of her

I could have been so much more

Maybe this dimension is too much for me
Perhaps I would be better off not being here at all

Sitting in the pouring rain, smoking my last cigarette
Holding back tears that seem to be suffocating me

I am my worst nightmare

I'd rather be dead than be forgotten so easily

At least you'll actually visit me and wish you had never done me wrong

Wolf drooled at the sight of Lamb.

His hungry eyes explored her from head to toe;
Her ivory form laid still in the hazy meadow
as she watched fireflies flicker deep amber,
illuminating their way around tall, wet blades of grass
still wet from the dew that welcomed dawn.
With rays of sugary light accentuating
the thick covering of wool that surrounded her,
the frosted innocence that laid before him
appeared to be painted
by a celestial hand.

His damp nose sniffed the air;
Her sweet scent filled his nostrils and entered his lungs,
and with a forceful exhale out of his nostrils,
Wolf could feel his mouth salivating with famine and longing.
The aroma of her alluring nature hypnotized
the predator until he found himself sniffing the air
just to become increasingly intoxicated by
her pure and
pearly essence.

His mouth dribbled long strands of thick drool;
Her delicate warmth and supple flesh felt almost real between
his sharpened canines that could easily ravage such a dainty being.
Wolf licked at his starved mouth in hopes of hushing it patient,
but only became eager to taste her, to ravage her, to devour her
until the only feeling that would matter is the throbbing pulsations
of her jugular
against his teeth.


Lamb reveled in Wolf's desirous longing from afar
and mischievously teased his itching fervor for her
before disappearing into the thick mist
that completely masked her
gentle existence.

Happiness and love; two emotions that you allow me feel,
And by tending to our flower, your true feelings will show and I will believe it to be real.
I wish not to ***** you with the thorns that envelop and protect it and me,
Because you are sweeter than the precious nectar that is created by a honey bee.

The petals of our flower will burst into bloom with sunshine and rain,
But we must remember to protect it dearly, through harsh weather and life’s pain.
We are two gardeners, working together to nourish and cherish this beautiful flora,
And have to remind ourselves to stop and enjoy the magnificence that is within its aura.

Do not rush, for it takes many moons for our flower to grow,
We must give it the nutrients it needs, even through the soil down below.
Its roots are intricate, and like a heart’s arteries, it pumps to sustain,
With life-long willingness and genuine curiosity to  be a part of this world, again and again.

I hope that you continue expressing admiration for the grace and beauty in our rose,
For it feels blessed to have your support and adores every part of you, from your head to your toe.
Push past society’s views on beauty and what it means to love someone,
You and I define those things ourselves, it is not dictated by just anyone.

Let us continue to encourage our flower to grow and blossom,
I know that, just like you, it will be amazing and awesome!

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚙𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗.
“𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠.”

𝙴𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚢.
𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚜, 𝚗𝚘𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚟𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚍𝚎𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜 𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐.
𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚟𝚒𝚎𝚠𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏.

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚠𝚎𝚋𝚋𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜.
𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚞𝚕𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎.

𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚊 𝚘𝚏 ‘𝚏𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏’ 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗,
𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎.



𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗’𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚟𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚕 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚝𝚜, 𝚏𝚞𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚊𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕.
𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗.



𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚟𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚑𝚘𝚠.

𝚂𝚘𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚝𝚢’𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚌 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎𝚗:
“𝙼𝚎𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚌𝚛𝚢.”
“𝙱𝚘𝚢𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚢𝚜.”
“𝙼𝚎𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐.”
𝙰𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝.

𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚛𝚢, 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖, 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚌𝚞𝚖𝚋 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝.
𝙷𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚢.

𝙵𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚝, 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞,
𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚐𝚘.

𝙻𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚒𝚝, 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛,
𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢.



𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚞𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍,
𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚞𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚔-𝚝𝚘-𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝚜𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚎.
𝙰 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕, 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐
𝙱𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚕𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚊 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚕𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚝𝚘 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚞𝚛𝚎𝚍
𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑.



𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝.

𝙸𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚟𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚝 𝚙𝚑𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚗.
𝙻𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚝.

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚝
𝙾𝚛 𝚊 𝚖𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚞𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚖𝚙𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚜 𝚞𝚙 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚙𝚒𝚗𝚎.



𝙴𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕,
𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚙𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚒𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜; 𝚒𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎
“𝚆𝚑𝚢?” 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚋𝚎 𝚊 𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛.



𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚘𝚛 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚘𝚏,
𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚙𝚊𝚝𝚑.
𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚢𝚜.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍,
𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚕𝚕 𝚓𝚘𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙴𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚑.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛,
𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊 𝚜𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜,
𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗.

Rub your sleepy eyes ---
   Hues that pushed their way through gritty snow
   Reminding her that spring was coming back again
--- Blinded by sugary light.

Blink away the phosphene ---
   That blurred orbs of kelp on the shore
   Freckled with splinters of driftwood in a bonfire
--- Until you see her.

Reach out your arms ---
   Sore from the bed space you gladly surrendered
   Dangle an arm over her draped, silken body
   The surface of her pristine white, form-fitting
   Nightgown that pooled around her like liquid silk
   Caressing her skin like a cool autumn breeze
--- Hold your precious girl.

It's true that she ---
   Snored when she was exhausted, especially after dancing
   Her parted lips hushed sounds of deep slumber
   A noise ever so pure, graceful, and mellifluous
   In her dream, she steps into a field
   Of beautiful flora that accentuated her azure eyes
   Captivating the untouched, dark corners of your heart
   And licked them until sparks crackled with adoration
   This curious wanderer that chased butterflies and prose
--- Never knew your worth.

I've been here before, but not like this.
You've brought upon feelings that I've begun to miss.
Despite the struggle with my darkness and its abyss,
You empower me to fight with my claws and intimidate with my hiss.
You fill me with tender fondness, delicate bliss,
And when I close my eyes, I dream of your sweet kiss.

I've been here before, but in a different light.
You've brought back colours in a world black and white.
Hushed exchanges in the stillness of night,
Whispering sweet nothings that fill me with delight.
My soul burns with a fire that only you can ignite,
Enveloping me in a glow that radiates immensely bright.

I've been here before, but not quite this way.
You've brought back the excitement that comes along with play.
Wolf and kitten, in a game of predator and prey,
Stern commands that we both know I won't obey.
Unless you call me those names that make my knees sway,
Oh, yes... I’m drifting... drifting away.



I’ve been here before, but I am wary.
You’ve made me feel things that are real, and it’s scary.
But I will not dig a grave for my feelings to bury,
As they are sweeter than my favourite chocolate-coated berry.
You’ve been patient and have never made me feel secondary,
Yet, I remain conflicted to this day, and it’s the 5th of fu cking January.

I’ve been here before, but not this afraid.
You’ve lured me out of my hiding spot and its comforting shade.
Your dedication is unwavering and with me it remained,
Your fascination and curiosity for me never faltered or decayed.
The darkness that found home inside of me, its bed it had laid,
Clouding me with fear and doubt that hurts more than any blade.

I've been here before, but not this conflicted.
You've got me hooked and mindlessly addicted.
My mind warns me of allowing these feelings to go unrestricted,
Knowing full well that my heart will be afflicted.
It is ready to say, "I told you so, just as I predicted!"
But.. what if it doesn't happen the way I had depicted?


I've been here before, but not this deep.
You've made me smile, but also made me weep.
I don't have the bravery needed to take the leap,
I’m afraid of heights and this cliff is just too steep.
It takes immense strength and willpower to upkeep,
That I do not yet possess, so please let me go back to sleep...

I've been here before, but there is some hope.
You've made me ponder of crazy ideas, like to escape and to elope!
But marriage? Six babies? Nope. Nope. Nope.
Please take it slow, so that I can actually cope,
As the leap I fear to take is off a dangerous *****.
But I can’t just sit around and cry and mope,
Rather find easier ways across, maybe some rope?

I've been here before, but I like you.
You've been there for me as my feelings flourished and grew.
I asked you to be patient for a year or two,
And I still need time for my courageous breakthrough.
I want to be someone you'd be proud to stand next to,
That is not me currently, it may be sad but it is true.

I’ve been here before, but never like this.
My heart longs and aches, for you I will miss.
You envelop me in adoration, I smile as I reminisce,
And hush the butterflies that soar with every kiss.
I sigh and swear there is nothing better than this,
And when I close my eyes, I dream of Paradise, our world of bliss.