I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

You think of me when you're drunk
In the midnight hours, in the dark
I wonder if you wonder about me
In the daylight hours too
When you see sunflowers
Like the one etched on my thigh
The thigh your hand gripped tightly
Whenever you were near me
I wonder if the memories hurt you
The way they have been hurting me
We were better than what we became
After we stopped kissing in the morning
When we decided to be friends
That aren't friendly at all
Stop calling me when you're drunk enough
To acknowledge that I still exist
Because it makes me remember you
And I can't drink you away

I wonder what I look like
In your memories
If the memories changed
With your feelings

I wear my shame
Like a damp blanket
I'm sweating through
These sheets
And losing sleep
Over memories
**** these thoughts
Like a fever kills sickness
**** these dreams
Like a fever kills peace

And with out question,
My heart of glass in my palms,
I dropped it and watched it shatter,
So I could hold your beer.

I love you's
Were for goodbyes
They were paired
With apologies
With excuses
With control
I love you's
Meant "I own you"
And now
They mean nothing to me
Unless they hurt

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.