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760 · Dec 2018
Circles
How many times will God give chances
How many times will he let you open your eyes
And how many times will she forgive you
Does he watch you on your deathbed and think,
“They can do better next time,”
Does she cry when millions of cold hearts are
Circled and circled and circled
Or does she hold them like babies and kiss them
Before laying them in new opportunities
Always hoping for another chance to be enough
Does he rejoice when after so many sunrises
You have found a way to become the light
And relieve you of the cycle
How many times will God give chances
And how many times are we expected to do the same
How many times can we as people
Allow others to circle and circle and circle
Or does that power lie only in the hands of God?
685 · Aug 2018
Loving Hurt People
When do we stop making excuses for people
Letting their pasts and parents
Explain why their hearts aren’t as warm
Where do we draw the line between
Who someone is
And who they can become
You can’t erase someone’s scars and
You can’t give them the love
That should have come from a parent
You can’t go back
And nurture them as a child
Or teach them the importance of empathy
When do we realize as a lover
That a person will only change if they decide to
And that it is not our job to fix them
Instead of working to re-shape the person I want
I will find the man who knows who he is
Who knows kindness and has grown from his pain
And someday I will raise the man
That no woman will have to make excuses for
632 · Aug 2018
Why am I Nervous?
Why am I nervous?
Walking down the street
Getting into my car
Walking down the isle in a grocery store
Remember always, don’t ever park far
You know you’re the kind of girl men will adore
Martial arts, spend the money
Promise dad I’ll try but you know
Nothing will change men’s hunger for honey
It’s not just the boys that call out from their cars
Or the old men that stumble home from the bars
It’s the man who asks for help with a plan for the night
And steps into the elevator, a situation just right
It’s an old friend who you just knew you could trust
And never would have guessed that family love to be lust
It’s the tutor that had stuck by you for years
That taught you to learn and to conquer your fears
Who says wow you’ve grown, you’re more full than before, and your clothes fit much tighter
Again that was four years before
Ironic when it turns out the final lesson he taught
Was to never assume a man to be who you thought
This poem is based on real life situations, however I do not believe all men are the same or that they all have bad intentions. This is specifically about a woman’s lifestyle and being aware of the danger there is in the world.
529 · Sep 2018
Oxymoron
Both everything
I ever wanted and
Everything I despised
Both rough and angry
Sandpaper man and
Warm and soft
Belly full of beer
But you
With a predisposition
A false thought of
What it meant to be a man
This was both
The personality I craved and
frustrated me to the core
Yet still what I look for
Is not what I hope to find
Everything about you that
Turns me on
Makes me remember
You are not a real man
And still you are
everything I despise
Sometimes
All I want
To rip from you
Both the clothes
And the parts of you
That I never wanted to see
To wake you
From your high
Shake your shoulders
Trace every part of you
In hope it will awaken
The yearning to be more
More than both everything
I ever wanted and
Everything I despise
468 · Sep 2018
Zero
I’ll admit it’s gotten better
And I’ll admit it’s gotten easier
I came to this conclusion after
Calculating some numbers like
How many nights I see your ghost and
How many memories you’re linked to
Divided by how many I’ve forgotten  
I like this equation until
I remember I subtracted you
From my life and
I’m left wondering how
all these numbers
equaled
nothing at all
448 · Oct 2018
Time To Starve
I am so tired of feeling this sick
Of knowing that every beautiful taste
will have to be thrown up
Of searching for the sweetness
knowing the peril that will follow
I am tired of feeling empty
Of emptiness than can only be filled temporarily
I am tired of feeling this sick
And so it may be time to starve
So that at least there will be
Nothing left to lose
372 · Oct 2018
Apple Cider
He is not iced tea
He will not leave you cold
He is not bitter coffee
He will not burn your lips
He is lukewarm
The kind of apple cider
You drive far to find
And then drink all at once
367 · Oct 2018
A State Of Mind
Never again will I believe promises
That drip in comfortable warm lies
Just so that I can fall asleep in the heat
Of artificial light
I will not let my need for love
Overcome respect for myself
I’m so happy I have overcome being in this place. And although I have, I will not forget this reminder to myself.
263 · Sep 2018
Fake Yellow
I no longer feel sad
When selfish people walk away
Instead I become numb
Each time that they don’t stay
In fact the ones that go
Don’t even turn to leave
Instead they take what they can
Until service is no longer in need
They will beam sunshine in repay
Throw bouquets of yellow roses
They’ll call it friendship in light of day
Avoiding confrontation and explosives
But when night comes and sky is dark
It’s much easier to conceal a selfish heart
And it doesn’t seem to matter
Where their loyalty resides
If they’re not the ones that walk away
Then they can stay and hide
And claim it’s not their fault when
A friendship burns and dies
233 · Oct 2018
Glass
I remember the first time
I realized I lost you,
It was the morning I sat
Paralyzed in shock
On the cement back steps
And lost in a fog of confusion
I wondered,
How could something
So beautifully perfect
Break as easy as glass?
I supposed the most
Beautiful things were
Always the most fragile

I remember the second time
I realized I lost you
It was the hot midday
I called you from my car
I heard you paralyze in shock
As I yelled words
That cleared the fog and
I wondered,
How did this glass
Not shatter sooner
For it is the most fragile
Of love I’ve ever known

The third time I lost you
It was a painfully clear night
Those pieces of glass became
Speckles of sparkling dust
Dried and fresh blood
Still staining my hands
I guess it took three times
To wash my hands clean
And to pull the last shreds
Of our love from my skin

231 · Dec 2018
A Friend Is
A friend is a person who understands
Unconditional love and compassion
They never are jealous;
Instead gives all their heart
Because they know love is not
competition
A friend is a guardian angel
Who rejoices in truth and joy
And never manipulates to keep
A selfish heart content
A friend is home
A place of safety and stability
With doors and windows
that never close
And lights that are kept burning
Long into the night
A friend is a person
who knows how to love
225 · Dec 2018
Here I am
I will not abandon you
No matter how many times
You throw blame at me or
Leave me in the darkness
I will be waiting right here
With my heart at my feet
Offering another chance
And if you decide to try
I will smile at you and
Love you like I always have
Because that is who I am
Because that is the person
I wish you were too
222 · Nov 2018
Unwanted Inspiration
I never wanted you to be
The inspiration for my best artwork
But here I am
Crying watercolors
Desperately clutching
Sketches of our memories
Both terrified the colors will fade
And horribly sick that I painted you
Into my life at all
195 · Oct 2018
Something New
I stare at you
Like I stare at the sun
Every morning
at six forty five
Your words are the first beams
That stretch across the cold sky
Reminding me this is a new start
You told me you loved me
And you looked exactly like the sunrise
That my darkness has been
waiting for
195 · Oct 2018
Catching Frogs
I was always so proud when I could catch the frogs myself. It was difficult because they didn’t often stay in one place long enough to be caught. By the time that I triumphantly held the frog and labeled and called it mine, I was already comfortable in my mindset of possession. I would build a beautiful home with sticks and leaves and walls, and a lid to prevent an escape. What more could any creature want than to be loved and taken care of? To be given a home and to belong to another?  
As a child I remember being told, “you can’t keep a living thing. It has a whole life out there you’re keeping it from,” and the waterworks of tears that followed. “They have everything they need,” I would protest, “It is mine.”
It would take some convincing to finally convince me to let go. With tears falling down my cheeks I would lift the frog out of the home I had made and leave it in a place very different from where I had found it. Nana would explain how the home I made was beautiful, but that it could not be permanent. Living things are meant to be free, not owned. Meant to be loved, not possessed.
I realize now that people are no different. We love to label and possess each other, to create homes we expect to be permanent. I am learning to remember that I can hold another’s heart and know it is not mine. To be happy in a phase of life and know that it is temporary. And when the time comes, some people I love I will have to let go.
160 · Aug 2018
What to Do With You
Days passing you acting like you don’t really care
Maybe it’s true or maybe it’s an act
Only now I’m wishing I could back track
I start feeling protective and know that’s unfair
I wanted freedom and fun
To talk to those that don’t care
Phrases like you’re beautiful, the most stunning I’ve seen
Hold no weight, but of course I know what they mean
They mean “I want you” and “I can copy and paste,
To any girl who I really want to taste,”
Please know that I’ve been here times before
It’s not that I’m cold, I know how to love
Just know I’m prepared if you turn for the door
With no expectations I know I am safe
With all this avoiding, maybe in love I’ve lost faith
159 · Oct 2018
Our Book
There’s not a day that passes
That I don’t think of you,
They tell me this is love
You told me you’d always
be there if I came back,
Anyone would say this is love
Hand out our book to anyone,
Let them read the words you spoke and
The details of your decisions and
I promise,
No one would title our book Love
155 · Dec 2018
Children
I don’t believe that childhood ends
Within one lifetime
I know too many young and old adults
Who act like children and somehow
I know too many little children
Who’s hearts are those of wise souls
This is proof enough to me that
Age as we know it holds no truth
152 · Sep 2019
Change
I can’t quite decide whether change and I have a healthy relationship-
I didn’t meet him until I was twelve,
When he decided it was the right time to introduce himself
I didn’t understand him, or why he came
But I shook his hand and made sure to be a lady
I figured we might as well get off to a good start
He introduced me to new people
I liked them, and he took me to new places
He showed me there were parts of myself
That were difficult, and he told me to embrace them
At this point I began to cry when he strolled by
And I hoped he would avoid me
But then he decided to leave me
And show up at my best friends door
At this point I decided I hated him, I hated Change and I swore he could only cause hell
I screamed in his face and told him to never come back
That everyone would be better off without him
But Change has a way of showing up
Even when he is not wanted nor asked for
A year ago now he appeared at my door
Holding a bouquet of yellow roses
He said this is my gift to you,
This will make you think highly of me
And he was right, I thanked change and I kissed him for his gift
But as he left I wasn’t sad, I felt relieved for his absence
The problem is that he has returned to me now
And he keeps asking me the same question
He asks; how do you feel about me
And how will you choose to accept me
Because surely you can hate me
But I will always return
147 · Aug 2018
Comedian
When she walked up to me
It was night before last
And she looked like dry humor
The kind of joke where everyone stares
And waits for it to make sense
So I looked into her eyes
Waiting for the explanation
It was a long conversation
That never started
No words were even spoken
I was silent but all the unanswered questions
Were waiting their turn to be asked aloud
Did you know he had a girlfriend
And did you know she looked like this
I smiled back as I looked into her eyes
Because I understood the joke
But it wasn’t on me
144 · Nov 2018
Facing Truth
There goes the rug again
Unveiling the mess swept under
Here I go losing my balance
And losing my hope along with it
It’s time to learn to open my eyes
And clean the mess I keep
Allowing to accumulate
137 · Aug 2018
To Feel Each Moment
There is something to be said about living in the moment
For holding on to the most vivid moments,
even knowing they won't last
In hope that those colors will take their time fading,
Even if in the end they disappear altogether
There is something about surrender
That is dangerous but essential;
If one wants to know what love can truly be
Hold this love close and give it all you have,
Feel every heartbeat and treasure every kiss
Because there will be a day that heart won't beat for you
And those lips won't speak to you
And it's better to live in those moments and feel them terrifyingly deeply
Than to let them pass and cry for not having truly loved at all
133 · Jul 2019
Gifts from God
Sometimes I close my eyes and let myself grin and repeat over and over again
Thank you thank you thank you
Thank you thank you thank you
Maybe it’s a prayer
Maybe it’s a sigh of relief
And the epitome of a hallelujah
I think it’s kind of a threat at times
Or maybe just a beg to god
Not to take away such incredible joy
I think it’s like being aware of yourself dreaming
And the hope of the same reality once woken
And I think it’s kind of like a question
Of whether or not the reality will stay
It’s also kind of like a scream
From the last step of a mountain hike
Where you look down and realize there’s no better place to be
So you close your eyes and revel in it
And you make sure you feel it
You say
Thank you thank you thank you
Thank you thank you thank you
And hope that it’s yours to keep
132 · Sep 2018
Independence
Your compassion was a reminder,
As I fought the waves of my own revival
Still it wasn’t you I needed,
I’ve always held the key to my own survival
128 · Nov 2018
Ghosts
Some nights I almost think that
I’d prefer the ghost of you
To sleep next to me
Then to lie here alone
Just like I used to put up with
Having the ghost of our love
Sleep next to me
So that at least I wasn’t without it
125 · Sep 2018
Feeling Colors again
I’m exhausted with grey color- schemes
And copy-paste lines
Please spit out any empty words
Only speak if your thoughts have flavor  
I’m starving for something real
I’m aching for something breathtaking
Still reminiscing of bold colors
Passionate reds
Blooming greens and
Yellows of perfectly content happiness
And wondering, when will I feel colors again
Let me run through those trails with new eyes
And wade through the rivers with new skin
Help me to create joy that cannot be compared
To anything I’ve felt before
My god these days taste bland
The grey paint is peeling off my hands
Still they never come clean
My god, she knows I am so close
She knows I have every color at my fingertips
She knows because she gave them to me
And yet I choose to paint in this grey color-scheme
And it will be my choice to see the world
In vibrant colors again
113 · Sep 2019
Sunflowers
I was your naive little frog princess
Who you loved to spoil rotten,
and protect from outside
the walls of our garden
You taught me how plants grow,
And how to re plant seeds when they died
little did I know
People also went through this ride
Mom worried so much as your petals wilted
My heart broke the first time she cried
When you passed she was lost and our whole world tilted
I was terrified knowing moms too, could crumble inside
I had no idea why God
Could let death be alright
Your seeds sunk to the ground
As we scoured the earth all around
Not understanding
Or accepting the cycle of life
But maybe when your seeds
join the world anew
You’ll bring someone else joy
And give them an angels love too

— The End —