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Oct 2023 · 168
Death
Alexis K Oct 2023
I've imagined it a thousand times.
Hoped for it more.
Sometimes I lay awake at night,
Coming up with different scenarios.
I imagined myself having a stroke.
I even imagined overdosing.
And then compulsively looked up if I could do such a thing on my medication.
I guess I'll be here a while.
Oct 2023 · 292
Alive
Alexis K Oct 2023
I am so exhausted by this feeling.
So tired of being tired.
So tired of feeling helpless.
There's nothing I can do to make it go away.
Nothing to make it pass faster, or to change my mind.

So I sit in this feeling.
With no other option than to let it suffocate me.
I hope I'll come out alive.
Oct 2023 · 430
Im Fine - Repost
Alexis K Oct 2023
"Hey, are you okay?"

I am drowning.
Fire licks my lungs,
anvils sit in my stomach.
Fingers snake around my wrists pulling me down.
Chains clink as they tether themselves to my ankles.
My throat is being crushed by that monster.
My mouth is covered.
My watery tears are enough to overcome this.
I cannot scream.
I cannot cry.
The bags in my eyes grow deeper.
Darker.
I am a shell of what I was.
I cannot see what is in front of me.
I can not see what could come.
I am drowning.

"I'm fine. Just tired."
Exhausted.
I smile
Oct 2023 · 641
Tired
Alexis K Oct 2023
My heart is beating in my chest.
In my head.
In my fingertips.
My tummy is cramping and the pillow is making noise.

I can't get the pillow to keep quiet,
I can't keep my head from pounding with the thumping of my heart.
The porch light sears it's way through the blinds and blackout curtains.
Snores surround me from my partners.

But I can't get the pillow to keep quiet.
I push my head harder into the bed.
But the throbbing of my heart travels to my toes.
Why is my heart so loud?
Why is the light so bright?
Why won't the pillow keep quiet?
I'm tired.
Oct 2023 · 281
Sick
Alexis K Oct 2023
Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?
Oct 2023 · 156
Untitled
Alexis K Oct 2023
I wonder if I'm loved enough for my partners to even know this account matters.
Oct 2023 · 379
Love Me
Alexis K Oct 2023
I wish I believed.
That it was easy to love me.

Because it's easy to love you.
Hurt and all.
But it seems like so much more work to love me.

I'm sorry I'm not easier to love.
Oct 2023 · 222
Rest of My Life
Alexis K Oct 2023
When everyday feels like this.
I cant imagine living the rest of my life.
Fighting this hard just to survive.

If this is the rest of my life.

I wish I didn't exist.

I wish I could be erased from the hearts of those who love me.
That I could never have to deal with trauma that is my mind.
That the people I so dearly love wouldn't be affect by my lack of time.

The gravity of this feeling in my body,
Outweighs the guilt I feel for thinking it.
The desire to just be nothing, courses through my bones.

If this is the rest of my life.
I have three reasons to stay.
Three people who love me, and wouldn't have their life any other way.
But if this is the rest of my life.

I will always struggle.
I will always be fighting, every day.
I will always be exhausted.
By the time I wake up in the morning.

If this is the rest of my life.
I will always wish the younger me was strong enough to act.
I'll wish I made the decision before I had my three reasons,
For the rest of my life.
Oct 2023 · 341
"Life's Not Fair!"
Alexis K Oct 2023
They said.
But they didn't have to fight themselves to get out of bed.
They didn't have to consciously chew and swallow their food.
They didn't spend the night awake wishing God to put them to sleep.

Life has never been fair.
They said.
I believed that this is what you meant.
And then found out that my mind was not like the rest.
That I would have to physically fight my body to get help.
I would fight my brain for the rest of my life.

"Life's not fair, get over it."
They'll say.
And then they'll have no problem waking up the next day.
Sep 2023 · 247
"Im fine"
Alexis K Sep 2023
When my need to be held
Meets my crippling fear of being taken cared for
Sep 2023 · 210
Devoured
Alexis K Sep 2023
Have you have been struck with such desire,
That your soul is consumed by fire?
Aug 2023 · 150
3 Thousand
Alexis K Aug 2023
Three thousand, two hundred.
That's my word count.
But only of my published poems.
That number is so much higher on paper.

Three thousand words to say to you.
I'm tired.

Over three thousand words,
But these are a first.

I've never wanted to **** myself.
But I've never wanted to be alive.
Sometimes I wish I could JUST exist.

If there was a switch, it'd be flipped.
Aug 2023 · 112
Shut up
Alexis K Aug 2023
My body is in pain.
All I want to do sleep.
But my brain won't shut up, saying I'm not doing enough.
Aug 2023 · 218
Peace
Alexis K Aug 2023
I know what it feels like to drown.
In demons you can't fight.
To drown in emotions that aren't even there.
To drown in the salty tears from your eyes.
To drown your voice out from the rest of world.

It's been too long. This cycle.
I'm exhausted.
Fatigue eats at my lungs, my legs and chest.
All while I tread the salty tears of life.
Would it bring peace to relax?

I envy the dead, I can't wait to finally get some peace and rest.
Aug 2023 · 128
Friends
Alexis K Aug 2023
Do I hate my friends?
Or am I just distancing,
Because I'm afraid they'll learn to hate me

What friends?
Aug 2023 · 412
The Last Few Days
Alexis K Aug 2023
I won't lie, they've been hard.
Harder than the last few before.
Every night my room is empty save myself.
Every night my bed is cold on one side.
And every night I lay is just the beginning of your day.
Ps. This is my 100th posted poem.
Aug 2023 · 91
Where I hide
Alexis K Aug 2023
When despair is too much.
When life is too heavy.
And asking for help is impossible.
Where can I hide?

I can ask for what I don't know.
I don't know how to help me.
And you don't see me crying right in front of you.
So this is where I hide.

Where I can write when words are too hard.
Where I can exist in silence.

Even though I want to be held.
Aug 2023 · 122
Life In Third Person
Alexis K Aug 2023
Have you ever felt
Like you were living your life,
In third person?

Like the person you are,
The body you use,
It doesn't really belong to you.

Like you're just the observer?
Life is a movie,
And you've got a front row seat.

I'd like control of my body please.
Aug 2023 · 114
Stuck
Alexis K Aug 2023
I want to go home.
I'm tired, please let me go.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I just wanna go home.

"You haven't even left yet"
Jun 2023 · 355
Thank You
Alexis K Jun 2023
I would never make it
In the world today
If we didn't find each other.
Aug 2022 · 196
I'm Fine
Alexis K Aug 2022
"Hey, are you okay?"

I am drowning.
Fire licks my lungs,
anvils sit in my stomach.
Fingers snake around my wrists pulling me down.
Chains clink as they tether themselves to my ankles.
My throat is being crushed by that monster.
My mouth is covered.
My watery tears are enough to overcome this.
I cannot scream.
I cannot cry.
The bags in my eyes grow deeper.
Darker.
I am a shell of what I was.
I cannot see what is in front of me.
I can not see what could come.
I am drowning.

"I'm fine. Just tired."
Exhausted.
I smile.
Depression is a real monster, and I hope everyone out there has someone to talk to it about and we're not all stuck in the same "I'm fine." response.
Jun 2022 · 1.1k
Free Since 1776
Alexis K Jun 2022
Free since 1776.
If you're a white man.
Land of the free
And home of the brave.
Black men and women property until 1868.
White Women silenced until 1920.
African Americans silenced further until 1970.
White men free since 1776.

Land of the free.
So free kids can bring weapons to school.
So free that black kids are shot for NOT holding a weapon.
So free that women can't make medical decisions without white men's approval.
So free that people couldn't marry who they wanted until 2015.
White straight men free since 1776.

We've only got one thing right:
Home of the brave.
Brave enough to continue to fight for a corrupt country.
Brave enough to fight for basic human rights.
Brave enough to stand up for what is right.
Even when the cost is their life, your life, my life.
Apr 2022 · 201
Dear Dad
Alexis K Apr 2022
I think you'd be proud of me.
I own a house, and a car.
I live in a neighborhood that waves to you just because you're their neighbor.
I just wish you could be here.
18 years doesn't seem too long when I barely knew you.
But the rest of my life sounds forever.
Forever until I can see you again.
Feb 2022 · 315
A Moment Of Silence
Alexis K Feb 2022
Followed by prayers
Men and women fighting for their lives.
Literally.
Feb 2022 · 208
The Arrival
Alexis K Feb 2022
Finally, I've arrived.
My heart and mind can now rest.

If only my arrival wasn't equally my departure.
Dec 2021 · 194
SEND THEM HOME
Alexis K Dec 2021
Will he think of me?
Every face I've made?
Every morning's goodbye kiss,
And every night's I love you's that he'd miss?
Will he think of his brethren?
Those standing next to him?

When his job is to lay on the grenade,
And all you want is him out of harms way.
You begin to pray.
May God protect every man and woman who protects me.
And send mine home to me every time.
Dec 2021 · 1.8k
MilSpo
Alexis K Dec 2021
How bad can it be?
"Wait until they're on deployment, then you'll see!"
Well, now he is going to leave...
What was it I was supposed to see?

I think I figured out what I would see.
The empty sheets next to me.
The missing keys and boots.

The honey-brown eyes that smiled at me.
The whispered "I love you"s and "goodnight"s.
His hand no longer clasped in my own.
And the painful realization that I have to spend my nights alone.
Dec 2021 · 297
If They Died
Alexis K Dec 2021
If they died what would you do?
I cry when they leave and sometimes when they're right next to me.
So maybe if they died I wouldn't have tears to cry.
No that's not right.
I'd cry all day and all night until I was dry.
Until my face was tight and my eyes and throat sore.
I'd spend a lot of time in bed.
If they died.

If they died? I'd die too.
Only my death won't require my heart to stop beating,
Or my lungs to stop breathing.
Only my death will allow me to still feel the pain of desire.
The need of contact that can no longer be satisfied.
I'll still see them everywhere that the space is empty.
But I'll never get to embrace them again.
Never to kiss, or hug, or play with their hair.
You see if they died...
I'd be nothing but a shell.
Because the rest of me would be buried with them.
Dec 2021 · 253
Never
Alexis K Dec 2021
Everyone thinks "ah, it'll never happen to me"
A tragic accident.
Thank god, it'll never happen to me.
An unthinkable loss.
Man, if that ever happened to me...
A joyride gone wrong.
A day that never ends.
A fatal diagnosis.
A single doubt that takes out balance.
But that will never happen to me.
Right?
I guess we'll wait and see.
Dec 2021 · 264
Dropping Out
Alexis K Dec 2021
it is not 'failing' you see,
but instead more like taste testing...

I tried it, I gave it a chance
I put forth effort yet
No matter how many times you taste the same ingredient over again
If you do not like it that fact won't change.
Dec 2021 · 398
Adieu
Alexis K Dec 2021
Hello, nice to meet someone I'll never meet again.
Oh HI, hello, nice to see you, so good to meet you.
Yet I'm more excited to say goodbye.

Adieu to you.
Dec 2021 · 713
Dear Little Girl
Alexis K Dec 2021
To my younger self.                                      
You will struggle.
You will fail.
You will fall.
But don't you ever give up.

In years to come, you will struggle with less.
Be loved more.
And get up faster.

If you knew then what you know now.
This stage you're going through wouldn't be so hard.
When you feel lost in the world and hopeless.
Remember these words I tell you now.

You will be where you are meant to be.
You will be with who you are meant to be with.
And *******, you will succeed.
Why?
Because: You. Never. Gave. Up.
Dec 2021 · 1.4k
Gone So Fast
Alexis K Dec 2021
I knew that this time would come,
but I didn't think I would feel so **** glum.
As I pack my things, in clear plastic bins.
I look back at what I've done and where I've been.
I only wish I had more time
Nov 2021 · 393
Game of Life
Alexis K Nov 2021
I used to believe that my life,
would be like a choose your own adventure book.
Where I would make a decision on page one,
and multiple throughout my chapters.

I have found that life is less of this chapter book,
and more like the board game life.
You draw a card every round but it's always predetermined.
You do not make choices on every page but five or six the entire game.
Job or school?
Risky or safe?
Family or continue?
But those cards you draw you are stuck with.
The bad ones and the good.

In hindsight, you do get something from what you cannot control.
100k life bucks, but is it enough?
Not when you're no longer playing on the board,
but living your own life.
You do not get the reward at the end to see who won.
But life lessons instead.

As much as I wish life was a choose your own adventure,
it seems more like a game played as a child.
If my life was like one of those books though,
I hope at the end of my book,
the choices I made lead to the best possible me.
Since there are no life bucks and no winners in this game.
I hope my life is worth it in the end.
Nov 2021 · 575
Dead?
Alexis K Nov 2021
I've never wanted to die.
But I don't want to continue this life.
Not when this life is barely surviving.
A life of just surviving isn't living.
So if I'm not living, am I already dead?
Nov 2021 · 141
Untitled
Alexis K Nov 2021
I'm sorry I can't help your depression
But I'm dealing with mine.
Nov 2021 · 645
Life is
Alexis K Nov 2021
Undoubtfully Beautiful and so Painfully Fleeting.
Oct 2021 · 262
Lost (DRAFT)
Alexis K Oct 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Oct 2021 · 397
It Comes In Threes
Alexis K Oct 2021
One:
March
A son, a brother.
Ended his story early.
Two:
July
A daughter, a mother.
Fought a battle she couldn't win.
Three.
October
A sister to #2, a daughter.
Causes unknown.

They say it comes in threes,
So lord please let us be.
Sep 2021 · 281
Peaceful
Alexis K Sep 2021
When you're gone...
It's lonely, I'm very lonely but it's peaceful.
I would take peaceful over not feeling lonely Every. Single. Day.
Alexis K Sep 2021
I wish I believed that it would all work out in the end.

I wish I didn't feel so alone in a crowd of people I know.
Sep 2021 · 123
Loved
Alexis K Sep 2021
The way I love you is beyond words.
But your smile gives me joy,
Your laugh plays in mind all day,
and your smell eases me to sleep.

Your insecurities don't show to me
like they do for you.
I just see the beauty in your eyes,
the way your body heat envelops me.
The way we fit so perfectly,
and how seemingly perfect you are.

I love you not despite your flaws.
But I love you with your flaws.

I can love you so tremendously,
Yet believe I am incapable of being seen the same way.
Why do we love endlessly,
And believe that we aren't worthy of love.
If you can love..
You can be loved.
You are already.
Sep 2021 · 358
Lost
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Sep 2021 · 465
Therapy
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who needs therapy?
Not me.
Not when writing is free.
Sep 2021 · 146
Ending
Alexis K Sep 2021
The world is on fire.
The world is underwater.
If the world is ending,
I hope it does soon.

If the world is ending,
Why are we still moving?
Why go to work or school?
Why continue to live this same day
over and over and over again
just for it to be the last?

If the world is ending,
I want my last day to be known.
So I can sit in the sun, hammock,
and pretend I am having fun.
If the world is ending,
I do not want to continue this in vain.
And if the world ends,
I hope humans cease to exist.
Maybe then the Earth can be Fixed.

I wonder how long the world will last.
I wonder how long I will last.
Because we all know.
The world is ending, and fast.
Aug 2021 · 316
Not Good Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I am working so hard.
I know I'm doing enough.
Everyone's impressed that I'm doing well.
There's no way I won't make it.

A 6.5 will get me in.
I have a 6.71.
Trying so hard, and doing so much.
Oh look, I didn't make the cut.

Denied.
Rejected.
Failed.
I guess I am not good enough.

After so much work I want to give up.
My heart, my soul, my life, and even mental health were sacrificed.
Just so I can be told it wasn't enough.
Can I just give up if I am not enough?
If I do my best, and I make the deadlines and meet requirements,
Why in the world are you telling me:
"Not Good Enough."?
Aug 2021 · 505
Tired
Alexis K Aug 2021
I wish I could tell you,
Just how tired I am.
But the word tired is not strong enough.
Exhaustion would make it sound as if I had been running marathons.
Yet even sitting in my room all day,
I am exhausted by noon.

The moment I awake in the morning
With the sun rising, the warmth on my skin
and butterflies flying, birds chirping away the day.
As soon as I open my eyes to the trees in view,
I am tired again.

I can sleep all night and never make a sound.
I could sleep like a rock, and still.
I am so tired.

I am tired when I am alone
and I am drained when I am not.
I am tired of fighting myself all day long.
I am tired of being tired.

Even though I want to say hello,
I am too tired to engage.
I am too tired to stand up for myself,
or interject to correct.
I am sorry my being tired gets in the way.

It gets in the way every single day.
Aug 2021 · 232
Not Trying Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I know you're trying,
But your trying hurts just as much.
Jul 2021 · 438
Tired
Alexis K Jul 2021
I'm tired, I say.
But didn't you say you were depressed?
Why yes, I am depressed.
But more than that I am tired.
Tired because I have been so depressed for so long.
Long enough that it took death for you to understand my level of depression.
I'm tired of being sad and disappointing.
I'm tired of feeling sluggish and not caring.
I can no longer cry because I'm so tired.
And I am tired of being tired
Jul 2021 · 105
Untitled
Alexis K Jul 2021
I am ready to sleep now.
It been a long day.
I can not longer stay awake.
As I close my eyes tonight,
I feel at peace. It would be the best sleep ever.
But I did not know it would be eternal.
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