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Aug 2023 · 50
Where I hide
Alexis K Aug 2023
When despair is too much.
When life is too heavy.
And asking for help is impossible.
Where can I hide?

I can ask for what I don't know.
I don't know how to help me.
And you don't see me crying right in front of you.
So this is where I hide.

Where I can write when words are too hard.
Where I can exist in silence.

Even though I want to be held.
Aug 2023 · 61
Life In Third Person
Alexis K Aug 2023
Have you ever felt
Like you were living your life,
In third person?

Like the person you are,
The body you use,
It doesn't really belong to you.

Like you're just the observer?
Life is a movie,
And you've got a front row seat.

I'd like control of my body please.
Aug 2023 · 81
Stuck
Alexis K Aug 2023
I want to go home.
I'm tired, please let me go.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I just wanna go home.

"You haven't even left yet"
Jun 2023 · 293
Thank You
Alexis K Jun 2023
I would never make it
In the world today
If we didn't find each other.
Aug 2022 · 155
I'm Fine
Alexis K Aug 2022
"Hey, are you okay?"

I am drowning.
Fire licks my lungs,
anvils sit in my stomach.
Fingers snake around my wrists pulling me down.
Chains clink as they tether themselves to my ankles.
My throat is being crushed by that monster.
My mouth is covered.
My watery tears are enough to overcome this.
I cannot scream.
I cannot cry.
The bags in my eyes grow deeper.
Darker.
I am a shell of what I was.
I cannot see what is in front of me.
I can not see what could come.
I am drowning.

"I'm fine. Just tired."
Exhausted.
I smile.
Depression is a real monster, and I hope everyone out there has someone to talk to it about and we're not all stuck in the same "I'm fine." response.
Jun 2022 · 895
Free Since 1776
Alexis K Jun 2022
Free since 1776.
If you're a white man.
Land of the free
And home of the brave.
Black men and women property until 1868.
White Women silenced until 1920.
African Americans silenced further until 1970.
White men free since 1776.

Land of the free.
So free kids can bring weapons to school.
So free that black kids are shot for NOT holding a weapon.
So free that women can't make medical decisions without white men's approval.
So free that people couldn't marry who they wanted until 2015.
White straight men free since 1776.

We've only got one thing right:
Home of the brave.
Brave enough to continue to fight for a corrupt country.
Brave enough to fight for basic human rights.
Brave enough to stand up for what is right.
Even when the cost is their life, your life, my life.
Apr 2022 · 115
Dear Dad
Alexis K Apr 2022
I think you'd be proud of me.
I own a house, and a car.
I live in a neighborhood that waves to you just because you're their neighbor.
I just wish you could be here.
18 years doesn't seem too long when I barely knew you.
But the rest of my life sounds forever.
Forever until I can see you again.
Feb 2022 · 255
A Moment Of Silence
Alexis K Feb 2022
Followed by prayers
Men and women fighting for their lives.
Literally.
Feb 2022 · 166
The Arrival
Alexis K Feb 2022
Finally, I've arrived.
My heart and mind can now rest.

If only my arrival wasn't equally my departure.
Dec 2021 · 136
SEND THEM HOME
Alexis K Dec 2021
Will he think of me?
Every face I've made?
Every morning's goodbye kiss,
And every night's I love you's that he'd miss?
Will he think of his brethren?
Those standing next to him?

When his job is to lay on the grenade,
And all you want is him out of harms way.
You begin to pray.
May God protect every man and woman who protects me.
And send mine home to me every time.
Dec 2021 · 1.4k
MilSpo
Alexis K Dec 2021
How bad can it be?
"Wait until they're on deployment, then you'll see!"
Well, now he is going to leave...
What was it I was supposed to see?

I think I figured out what I would see.
The empty sheets next to me.
The missing keys and boots.

The honey-brown eyes that smiled at me.
The whispered "I love you"s and "goodnight"s.
His hand no longer clasped in my own.
And the painful realization that I have to spend my nights alone.
Dec 2021 · 137
If They Died
Alexis K Dec 2021
If they died what would you do?
I cry when they leave and sometimes when they're right next to me.
So maybe if they died I wouldn't have tears to cry.
No that's not right.
I'd cry all day and all night until I was dry.
Until my face was tight and my eyes and throat sore.
I'd spend a lot of time in bed.
If they died.

If they died? I'd die too.
Only my death won't require my heart to stop beating,
Or my lungs to stop breathing.
Only my death will allow me to still feel the pain of desire.
The need of contact that can no longer be satisfied.
I'll still see them everywhere that the space is empty.
But I'll never get to embrace them again.
Never to kiss, or hug, or play with their hair.
You see if they died...
I'd be nothing but a shell.
Because the rest of me would be buried with them.
Dec 2021 · 210
Never
Alexis K Dec 2021
Everyone thinks "ah, it'll never happen to me"
A tragic accident.
Thank god, it'll never happen to me.
An unthinkable loss.
Man, if that ever happened to me...
A joyride gone wrong.
A day that never ends.
A fatal diagnosis.
A single doubt that takes out balance.
But that will never happen to me.
Right?
I guess we'll wait and see.
Dec 2021 · 153
Dropping Out
Alexis K Dec 2021
it is not 'failing' you see,
but instead more like taste testing...

I tried it, I gave it a chance
I put forth effort yet
No matter how many times you taste the same ingredient over again
If you do not like it that fact won't change.
Dec 2021 · 339
Adieu
Alexis K Dec 2021
Hello, nice to meet someone I'll never meet again.
Oh HI, hello, nice to see you, so good to meet you.
Yet I'm more excited to say goodbye.

Adieu to you.
Dec 2021 · 500
Dear Little Girl
Alexis K Dec 2021
To my younger self.                                      
You will struggle.
You will fail.
You will fall.
But don't you ever give up.

In years to come, you will struggle with less.
Be loved more.
And get up faster.

If you knew then what you know now.
This stage you're going through wouldn't be so hard.
When you feel lost in the world and hopeless.
Remember these words I tell you now.

You will be where you are meant to be.
You will be with who you are meant to be with.
And *******, you will succeed.
Why?
Because: You. Never. Gave. Up.
Dec 2021 · 1.3k
Gone So Fast
Alexis K Dec 2021
I knew that this time would come,
but I didn't think I would feel so **** glum.
As I pack my things, in clear plastic bins.
I look back at what I've done and where I've been.
I only wish I had more time
Nov 2021 · 296
Game of Life
Alexis K Nov 2021
I used to believe that my life,
would be like a choose your own adventure book.
Where I would make a decision on page one,
and multiple throughout my chapters.

I have found that life is less of this chapter book,
and more like the board game life.
You draw a card every round but it's always predetermined.
You do not make choices on every page but five or six the entire game.
Job or school?
Risky or safe?
Family or continue?
But those cards you draw you are stuck with.
The bad ones and the good.

In hindsight, you do get something from what you cannot control.
100k life bucks, but is it enough?
Not when you're no longer playing on the board,
but living your own life.
You do not get the reward at the end to see who won.
But life lessons instead.

As much as I wish life was a choose your own adventure,
it seems more like a game played as a child.
If my life was like one of those books though,
I hope at the end of my book,
the choices I made lead to the best possible me.
Since there are no life bucks and no winners in this game.
I hope my life is worth it in the end.
Nov 2021 · 497
Dead?
Alexis K Nov 2021
I've never wanted to die.
But I don't want to continue this life.
Not when this life is barely surviving.
A life of just surviving isn't living.
So if I'm not living, am I already dead?
Nov 2021 · 117
Untitled
Alexis K Nov 2021
I'm sorry I can't help your depression
But I'm dealing with mine.
Nov 2021 · 570
Life is
Alexis K Nov 2021
Undoubtfully Beautiful and so Painfully Fleeting.
Oct 2021 · 130
Lost (DRAFT)
Alexis K Oct 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Oct 2021 · 329
It Comes In Threes
Alexis K Oct 2021
One:
March
A son, a brother.
Ended his story early.
Two:
July
A daughter, a mother.
Fought a battle she couldn't win.
Three.
October
A sister to #2, a daughter.
Causes unknown.

They say it comes in threes,
So lord please let us be.
Sep 2021 · 211
Peaceful
Alexis K Sep 2021
When you're gone...
It's lonely, I'm very lonely but it's peaceful.
I would take peaceful over not feeling lonely Every. Single. Day.
Alexis K Sep 2021
I wish I believed that it would all work out in the end.

I wish I didn't feel so alone in a crowd of people I know.
Sep 2021 · 77
Loved
Alexis K Sep 2021
The way I love you is beyond words.
But your smile gives me joy,
Your laugh plays in mind all day,
and your smell eases me to sleep.

Your insecurities don't show to me
like they do for you.
I just see the beauty in your eyes,
the way your body heat envelops me.
The way we fit so perfectly,
and how seemingly perfect you are.

I love you not despite your flaws.
But I love you with your flaws.

I can love you so tremendously,
Yet believe I am incapable of being seen the same way.
Why do we love endlessly,
And believe that we aren't worthy of love.
If you can love..
You can be loved.
You are already.
Sep 2021 · 223
Lost
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
Sep 2021 · 400
Therapy
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who needs therapy?
Not me.
Not when writing is free.
Sep 2021 · 91
Ending
Alexis K Sep 2021
The world is on fire.
The world is underwater.
If the world is ending,
I hope it does soon.

If the world is ending,
Why are we still moving?
Why go to work or school?
Why continue to live this same day
over and over and over again
just for it to be the last?

If the world is ending,
I want my last day to be known.
So I can sit in the sun, hammock,
and pretend I am having fun.
If the world is ending,
I do not want to continue this in vain.
And if the world ends,
I hope humans cease to exist.
Maybe then the Earth can be Fixed.

I wonder how long the world will last.
I wonder how long I will last.
Because we all know.
The world is ending, and fast.
Aug 2021 · 271
Not Good Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I am working so hard.
I know I'm doing enough.
Everyone's impressed that I'm doing well.
There's no way I won't make it.

A 6.5 will get me in.
I have a 6.71.
Trying so hard, and doing so much.
Oh look, I didn't make the cut.

Denied.
Rejected.
Failed.
I guess I am not good enough.

After so much work I want to give up.
My heart, my soul, my life, and even mental health were sacrificed.
Just so I can be told it wasn't enough.
Can I just give up if I am not enough?
If I do my best, and I make the deadlines and meet requirements,
Why in the world are you telling me:
"Not Good Enough."?
Aug 2021 · 353
Tired
Alexis K Aug 2021
I wish I could tell you,
Just how tired I am.
But the word tired is not strong enough.
Exhaustion would make it sound as if I had been running marathons.
Yet even sitting in my room all day,
I am exhausted by noon.

The moment I awake in the morning
With the sun rising, the warmth on my skin
and butterflies flying, birds chirping away the day.
As soon as I open my eyes to the trees in view,
I am tired again.

I can sleep all night and never make a sound.
I could sleep like a rock, and still.
I am so tired.

I am tired when I am alone
and I am drained when I am not.
I am tired of fighting myself all day long.
I am tired of being tired.

Even though I want to say hello,
I am too tired to engage.
I am too tired to stand up for myself,
or interject to correct.
I am sorry my being tired gets in the way.

It gets in the way every single day.
Aug 2021 · 173
Not Trying Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I know you're trying,
But your trying hurts just as much.
Jul 2021 · 370
Tired
Alexis K Jul 2021
I'm tired, I say.
But didn't you say you were depressed?
Why yes, I am depressed.
But more than that I am tired.
Tired because I have been so depressed for so long.
Long enough that it took death for you to understand my level of depression.
I'm tired of being sad and disappointing.
I'm tired of feeling sluggish and not caring.
I can no longer cry because I'm so tired.
And I am tired of being tired
Jul 2021 · 77
Untitled
Alexis K Jul 2021
I am ready to sleep now.
It been a long day.
I can not longer stay awake.
As I close my eyes tonight,
I feel at peace. It would be the best sleep ever.
But I did not know it would be eternal.
Jun 2021 · 93
Away
Alexis K Jun 2021
"I would never miss your wedding!"
Too bad it wasn't your choice to make.
If only we had it earlier today.
Before you had been taken away.
Jun 2021 · 656
Beautiful Morning
Alexis K Jun 2021
It's a beautiful morning.
"But it's been raining most of it."
It's a beautiful sunny day.
"But I have news that will ruin today."

A mother ripped from her infant, and three other young children.
A mother who will never get to see her children get married or graduate.
A mother who had fought and won battles her entire life.
Finally lost.

It's a beautiful morning to send her on her way.
Now, instead of rain, family tears will pave the way.
Jun 2021 · 429
Happy
Alexis K Jun 2021
I love seeing happy.
The way eyes light up with joy and smiles spread.
The feeling of weightlessness and comfortable warmth.
I just wish I could see it on me.
I vie to feel that feeling once again.
May 2021 · 327
I Could
Alexis K May 2021
I could write a rhyme,
Because that wont take much time.
Or I could write a song,
This way you could sing along.
May 2021 · 181
What Lies Ahead?
Alexis K May 2021
I am so inexplicably scared for what lies ahead.
This is too specific of a dread.
What I do not know could **** me,
Yet I don't have a clue what I don't know.

I am sorry.
I can't imagine what my life could be.
Let alone what it looks with both you and me.
May 2021 · 95
Unclear
Alexis K May 2021
I am having such a hard time.
My life is young and I have decades to decide
How I exactly want my life.
But I cannot imagine my life past today.
I can only imagine my life this way.

I cannot imagine myself with grey hairs.
I cannot imagine my husband and children in my house.
I cannot even imagine the house we would call home.
I cannot answer the typical questions:
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Logically I know that I would be graduated.
I would be married by then,
And even living with my husband.
Yet my answer is "just like I am today."

I cannot see, imagine, or fathom my life after today.
Yet I have always planned for it anyway.
My future is so unclear to me
And so thank you, for seeing me in yours.
Quarter-life crises are where it's at
May 2021 · 74
Not Enough
Alexis K May 2021
My brother is the epitome
Of doing just barely enough.

My sister is the epitome
Of not giving a ****.

I am the epitome
Of growing up too fast and taking on too much.

Yet I am not enough.
Apr 2021 · 506
Untitled
Alexis K Apr 2021
You may not be a bad guy
But you are the bad guy
Mar 2021 · 317
Stupid
Alexis K Mar 2021
This is stupid.
Just breathe.

This is stupid.
Just smile.

This is stupid.
But I cannot fight it off.
This feeling of hatred and disgust.

This is stupid.
But I avoid mirrors.
Because the red marks are too much to handle.
I can't look at my body the way you do.
Do you embrace me because of my "beauty" or is it your pity?

This is stupid.
But I cannot stop myself from crying.

This is stupid.
Becuase I know we are all worthy of love and respect.
I know we all deserve clothes that fit our own body.
I know that fat and beautiful do not exist separately.
But I cannot shake the feeling that I am the exception.
So ******* Stupid
We have to try and love ourselves at all points in our lives. Even when that's hard.
Mar 2021 · 287
Untitled
Alexis K Mar 2021
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
The way I see your eyes light up with excitement.
The way you smile naturally.
The warmth that radiates from your love.
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
Because then you could see the many reasons why.
Why I love you.
Mar 2021 · 1.5k
Untitled
Alexis K Mar 2021
The wind is in your face.
It's cool and the sun is warm against your skin.
Your hair is just barely blowing in the wind behind you.
The trees are green and the grass stands at attention for you.
The fluffy clouds dance above you as the squirrels scramble.
The flowers are in bloom and colors surround you.
The serenity envelops you and all cares fly away.
Because for at least today you can be one with nature.
Mar 2021 · 77
No Big Deal
Alexis K Mar 2021
I have a problem.
You see, I am that type of person.
The type of person who cannot handle their own issues.
And pushes them to the side burner.
I ignore my own problems to help others with theirs,
and they never have a clue that my *** of problems is causing a fire right in front of their eyes.

I am the type of person who can smile as if my world isn't crumbling around me.
So that you can unload your problems onto me.
I have a problem.
Where I do not think my problems are issues
and they do not need to be addressed.
Simply because I tell myself "It's really not that bad."
and
"Others have it worse."

I am the friend that everyone goes to but sometimes,
I want to be left alone.
So that maybe I can deal with my own *** of problems.
A lot of people, myself included, ignore their own issues and invalidate them. Try to correct that if you are one of those people because your issues are JUST as valid as someone elses. I am good at telling other people their valid but not myself, I often use a plate analogy. Some people have paper plates and some have plastic and some have glass. If you continue to pile things onto your plate, that paper plate will break and then the plastic and then the glass. Just because you plate is stronger, doesn't mean that what is on it doesn't matter. And vise versa, just because your plate is paper and breaking fast while other's are fine, that does not mean that you're defective. It just means you need a new plate and often times we get a plate from someone else. (Therapy, support, etc.)
Mar 2021 · 81
Trying to float
Alexis K Mar 2021
Everyone says I'm thriving.
When really I am drowning
just barely making ends meets
Rushing and rushing and pushing and pushing
finally done
except I'm not.
It's never done it's never over
and I have to keep pushing
when all I want to do is sleep.

And nobody really knows
just how much I'm trying to float
but its doesn't really matter
because even if they knew,
there'd be nothing they could do.

So I just have to keep pushing
until next week,
next week will be better
but then next week comes.
And I tell myself I just have to get through this week.
Next week will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Except it won't.
Feb 2021 · 89
His Arms
Alexis K Feb 2021
Its been a long day,
so excruciatingly hard.
I've been put through the ringer and back
In this never ending day.
Now that its coming to a close
I cant wait to go home and be in his arms.

The warm embrace that awaits me is what keeps me going.
The safety and smell within his arms
Is all I have wanted all day.
I finally get home,
To remember I am alone.

Because his arms are occupied these days.
Feb 2021 · 68
Untitled
Alexis K Feb 2021
I can not try anymore.
I'm ready to give up,
because this is too tough.
So I cannot try anymore.

                          I cannot try anymore.
                          I'm experiencing burnout,
                          And still not doing enough.
                          So I cannot try anymore.

I have no more to give.
This has ****** the life out of me.
Between the pandemic and life,
Work and school,
I am spread way too thin.
So I cannot try anymore.
Feb 2021 · 340
The Weight Dilemma
Alexis K Feb 2021
I need to lose weight
But I need to love me for who I am
I need to lose weight
But I deserve clothes that fit my body now
I need to lose weight
But I need to be happy the way I am.
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