I sit with my back to an empty bed.
The TV showing only my reflection.
I hear only the whine of the fan that dances above me.
The air inside left with a faint smell of smoke from the previous guest.
Outside the parking lot is left bare and is nothing but a cold blue glow.
The orange sign above flickers and skips from puddle to puddle.
People laugh and shout jokes to their friends as they walk by my room.
I open the door but no one is there.
I realize it is simply my mind replaying moments of us going pass my window like my life passing me by.
I get up and stretch ready to start the day.
A bite of pizza as I search for a towel
I hop in the shower
A moment on the bench
but the weight feels heavier today.
I sit back on my bed
The covers grab me as I sink in to my pillow.
They strip me from my clothes and my will to stand up as I fall asleep.
Later I awake. And...

(Start over)

Your dress is beautiful
I know i shouldn't have seen it but i did
The way it fell on your back like feathers laid against your skin
The lace so delicately placed on you as if it were not there at all
Your shoulders glowed under the lights
As you turned your hair fell as if it were on purpose
I saw it and now it replays in my head
One... more... week
I'll turn and smile in aw of your beauty
Like a child finally getting the present he always wanted
I'll laugh as you try not to fall in the heels you were determined to wear on this unleveled ground
We will smile and shake our heads as the room disappears
Just the priest, you, and... I
Two words will echo for all to hear, "I do!!"

At least they would have

I can still hear your car start up
The blinds shook as the door closed

"You cant make me happy"

If only that were the response to my hello two years ago.
But no those words were whispered to me after we kissed and held each other one final time
You said you were sorry like it needed to be said
The color in your face was gone, the tears started to fall, and then it was just me
I sat there frozen
but not why i thought i did..
I see now i didnt move nor chase you because thats what you were use to
I gave up in that moment
I let you leave and now i approach the final stretch alone
Tears dried up
starting to breathe
I wake up and dont even think of you
You know for a while i thought youd come back, that it was just your meds, and i would be fine settling for my ****** life with you.
But now i smile
Yes i am so ******* relieved
One more week until the rest of my life..

without you :)

As kids we're told to follow our dreams
But that is now reversed, so it seems
During the day I live a great life
But when I close my eyes i worry I won't survive the night
An internal struggle with the demons I keep quiet
I bounce from dream to dream like getting beat by a riot
I see you, them, blood, and fire
Running from it all is my one desire
They follow close with screams filling the air
I think why does my mind keep bringing me here
If only I could make my dreams stop
Just climb a tower and throw them from the top
Every night it never seems to fail
I drift off and then my mind starts to bail
Heartbeat racing, bed drenched of sweat
I never thought I'd fear the sunset
One more step to another chase
They say that this will pass, that it's all a phase
I just have to let my mind calm down
But its hard to do that if there is no reason to be found
Maybe one day it will be okay
Until then I close my eyes and hope to wake up the next day

I got the phone call three years ago and i can still see my phone tremble
I remember walking to the bathroom thinking it was just to talk about a party or something simple
At work I tried to be quiet like "hey ill call ya back."
She replied... "Kevin killed himself" and the room faded to black.
Completely in denial I said this cant be true
Thinking that i had just talked to you
Losing a brother was never something I expected
And since that day my life has just been hectic
Just another crazy night that could of been stopped
All you had to do was listen to the cops
Man we could of pleaded insanity or anything
****** believable dude and youd still be next to me
Yeah it would of been a ****** road taken
But a great choice compared to the ones you had been making
People talk about being a zombie
But I never thought that it would ever be me
Celexa, Effexor, Klonopin,
Zoloft, Xanax and Welbutrin
Prescribed to all these I tried to live
Walking day to day with no effort to give
Just a ghost in a shell
Just going through life but i couldnt tell
I searched for anything that could make me numb
Taking too many pills, drinking, and driving.. I got so dumb
See the thing that may not be clear
Is that after you were gone i had to see her
She sat in the chair playing a brick game on her tablet
Not more then 10 feet from you in that casket
That ****** killed me son
Thinking i knew you before her life had begun
Shes getting so big man and her face is a blast from the past
She looks just like you man they grow up so fast
My little girl is doing the same
Would of been crazy to see them hangout and play games
I cant stop thinking about how their gonna keep getting bigger
How life would of been great if it wasnt for that trigger..

You are a ice cream that has a cherry on top
You are like a cozy blanket in a house
You are like a heart in the sky that is beautiful
Combine all of them together
It makes a ice cream that is wrapped in a blanket that is in the sky that is beautiful

I love you daddy

They say with every decision you have two choices
But what happens when the angel on your shoulder is now gagged and bound
That now in this moment has no say in what i do
That now in this moment can not control me let alone himself
My mind is chaotic
Glympses of what my life was.. now get ****** and spit on by the devil that dances my shoulders
Yes the little friend i have whispers "if only you had me" and its true...
I focused on others and how they would respond to me for so long but no more
My mind is awake
Now awoken i sit and think about what could of been as not failed past situations but only my sidelined future
yes
my mind sees every opportunity as retro fashion designs about to make a bold statement in this drab and cold world..
My mind is ready
Im ready to stop telling myself that tomorrow is better.. That today just doesnt feel right.. That i should wait until im thinking straight...
My mind didnt belong to me  
At least not to the extent that i remember
For years i did what that little coward on my shoulder said to do
Listening to him talk in to the bag that is filled with his breath from years of anxiety holding him back
My mind is done
Im done with thinking about the consequences of my actions
They now dance in the back like shadows caused from the spotlight on my face
My mind looks forward
Those worries of what you think now fall to the floor like dirt as i take my victorious shower
My mind has won
I stand before you a champion.. someone that looked into the eyes of depression and anxiety like a chess player looking at his opponent that is 4 moves from leaving the table
They wept and as they buckled into the fetal position i laughed like i was holding it in for years
My mind is beautiful
And it is time for me to finally see that beauty shine for what it is
no longer will it sit behind the shade of what you think.. letting spots of light come through as little hearts and stars dance along the wall from holes cut from the previous approval of others
I now scream "****...that!!"...

My mind

is now

...mine!