you gave me what i needed
didn't even break a sweat
not sure if you knew or not
maybe possibly if i had to bet

split tongue and breath of flame
they had been warned
thought they were badass
until you locked horns

so now i take that strength within
as i stand alone once more
you are right beside me
while i fearlessly wage war

she said my time will come
the basis of which is a lie
even if we crash and burn
at least i can say i tried

designed you a ring
custom made for a queen
as i marched to the gallows
presented on one knee

don't forget i'm sicilian
making offers you can't refuse
one day you'll accept
then i'll wear your noose

said goodbye in a dream
so there you can no longer haunt
although we will never be
i have a better idea of what i want

i'll be standing by
but not holding my breath
got a gut feeling
it will come when least expected

learned to watch for traps
the like i've never known
hard lessons gleaned
while worshipping at your throne

i look around
see green
up
see gray
blending
in the middle
this is where
i stay

in my mind
a brief glimpse
behind
have to keep moving
before the mortar sets
i have no regrets
except
you

missing those moments
mourning their loss
when i held my breath
in between chaos

time is standing still
i'm bending it's will
until you command me
to breathe in deeply

it's a lie i suspect
designed to protect
but it's all i have
so i gratefully accept

things haven't been going my way
for awhile now
so i'm letting it roll
see where it goes

not giving up the fight though
learned the hard way
to know when it's time
to give up control

tried to say goodbye
so many times
rehearsing the lines
defensive reflex
it's for the best
time to move on
but the bones in my back
shudder and crack
at the thought of you gone

love something which evades
that will never stay
maybe the wrong time and place
whose to say
so i woke up early
to watch you sleeping
blond hair on my pillow
the sun's rays weaving
that's how I'll keep you
*long after you leave

i see your double dipping
from multiple straws your sipping
he's buying you mikey kors
as my texts are ignored

you know i'm a sucker
for secret victoria
34B mediums all day long
i'll get some more for ya
pulled pork sandwiches
with orange cream soda
yoga pants from lemon loulou
if it's just me and you
even though you spread the love
all over the PNW
when i gave you my extra key
it wasn't for a rendezvous
with you know who
and eat all my steaks
with your favorite fan base

it's true your double dipping
though i'm not tripping
but i think i'm done
contributing to your
*retirement fund

steel toes
padded knees
you always knew
how to exist with me

made assumptions
for which i paid dearly
beyond material value
your gifts to me
focus
love unconditionally
looking beyond the mirror
of my flawed exterior
into the soul within
we scrub a dub'd in the shower
listening to sugar kane
cuz i asked what stinks
answered it was you
since you've been with me

steel toes
padded knees
you always knew
how to handle me
your greatest gift
unintentionally

there's no documented history
save for my memory
of us ever
being together
trying to erase the tape
delete the database
stab it in the heart
with a stake
decapitate
watch as it squirms
in pain
but it won't go out this way
it can't be killed via
external devices alone
it has to die on it's own

i love my vicees
they are addicted to me
Amsterdam shags
black coffee

i should try to resist you
not sure if i'm capable
to control an appetite so
insatiable

i abandon the thought
before it crosses my mind
i'm aware of my limitations
a realist you'll find

so i send another text
believing you'll reply
rehearsing my lines
knowing i can't  
say goodbye

yes i love my vicees
they are good to me
helping my mind
stay steady
i'll put you down
when i'm good and ready

lived in the shadows
far too long
hiding from the truth
hating and believing
i was something i'm not
afraid of being discovered
a fraud
now the smoke has cleared
the flames now breath
licking and stinging
ashes now the mess i made
fearless and
ablaze

i roll my shags
fat and tight
took a lot of practice
to get them just right

i'd like an hour of your time
please forgive my persistence
as i listen to your stories
and absorb your existence

come sit with me on my back porch
i promise to be silent
tell me when they sent you to that special school
to find out why you were so violent

or when you got busted
for selling e
over 50 tabs
was that your first felony?

the one you won't tell
it's that scar on your calf
stitches for sure maybe a bite
let's save that for another night

let me roll you a ****
fat and tight
i want to get lost watching your lips move
now gimme a light

love your sense of humor
when you say you're sorry
for torment
you don't act like you care
but i'm sure that's what you meant
it's more of a haunting
to depict accurately
a ghost hiding in the shadows
a shell of what used to be
your red suitcase is packed
constant state of readiness
waiting for your day
in the sun
it will come
we all have
one

i hope the sun shines on your face
wherever you may be
me and maggie are waiting for the day
you take advantage of our open door policy

say hi to your mom in montana
she'll be happy to see her little runner
the apple never falls far from the tree
i'm sure she's a stunner

tomorrow we kick off the next project
so at least i'll have work to keep me occupied
perfect timely distraction
to not deal with what's inside

the king bed i bought for us it's
too big to be alone
i can't let it get too cold

there's a few sweet angels
hovering about
they are fine for a quick fix
but your the habit
i can't live without

i'll never leave the place
with gray cloudy skies
threatening to rip open
at any time
and the sun sometimes shines
just enough to know it's there
intense brief glimpses
then disappears
and the girl i love more
than anything before
always and forever
never together
nothing is innate
life's cruelest ironies
always testing my fate
at night i'll sit on my back porch
and smoke an Amsterdam ****
listen to the world unwind
and dream of what i'll never have
it's all in my mind
the constant battle
who am i kidding
i'll never leave
Seattle

she asked
if this is what it feels like
to be free
i said no way baby
it gets better and better
everyday all the time
at least for me
go ahead and accuse
say i'm enabling
my commitment is real
love unwavering
so i'm feeding your monster
to transform you tangible
you love me
i know you said it
but i need something more real
than republic credits

you mastered the art of
selling your goods
not a bargain to be had
that was understood
yes and they bought in bulk
like you knew they would

when you ran out of stock
they identified alternative suppliers
to pull out their fingernails
with needle nose pliers

supply and demand baby
straight up for all to see
you thought you had it handled
i told you to get a business degree

please don't kid yourself
your not unique
now stripped of your powers
twitch and tweak

as you come crawling back
seething in denial

take a load off

maybe stay
with me
awhile?

I loved our time
before your demise
it was innocent and pure
more than we could endure
you would jump in my arms
wrap your legs around my waist
as I inhaled deeply
khali mist all I taste
I stayed in Seattle for you
left everything I knew
then our contract ended
and you chose not to renew
there was a glorious moment
trapped in your
thicket
thorns digging in deep
welcoming it
as I succumbed
peace overcame
I realized
I never
loved
myself
until
I
loved
you.

I made huge mistakes
yesterday
and did great things
today
it never seems
to null out
*though

In all your chaos
I realized serenity
The ultimate humility
Loving something so much
and knowing it will never be

You told me the story
When you first met your Dad
You were 18
There was a note on a windshield
and a friend in between
It was the most intimate moment
You had ever shared with me
A moment to behold
I felt like I was there
watching it unfold
It is such an honor
to be a part of that
through your
eyes and
heart

My sweet angel has abnormal
curvature of
the spine
She says it's from carrying too many burdens
over time
She tries to stand straight
but can't align
She's tried all sorts of cures
but just makes it worse
When she tries to conceal
it's just further revealed
So she's simply resigned
to work within the constraints of
her earthly design

For fear I see the world
With clarity
I maintain my vision blurry
Glasses scratched
Creating Distractions
Fighting dragons
Not ordinary everyday dragons
mind you
This species
Are shadow beasts
Hiding and lurking
Always taunting
and tempting
Venom breathing
Talons ripping and clawing
can't be contained beasts
Just enough to keep
things interesting
beasts

when did you get so picky?
I grilled you a ribeye rare
olive oil baked brussel sprouts
but you chewed them up
and spit them out
you need your greens
Greek salad with olives
and feta cheese
stop tripping Nicky
your jeans are too tight
but they come off easy
your requests are so confusing
buy me a ring
but it won't mean a thing
I can't get into specifics
but i'm questioning
what i've become
and you are a major part
of the problem

I just assumed you were like all the rest
run your course move on hope for the best
You were so good at selling your goods
and all the signals were misunderstood
What I thought was real
it was part of the deal

All the dreams that kept me alive
took on a life of their own
and I was forced to decide
between you or her
So now I call your bluff-
you were great at most everything
just not poker.

our dream died
even i
the master of fantasy
couldn't keep it
alive
it needed to be nurtured
but you power fed
and it grew to
unhealthy proportions
a tumor that had to be burned off
deeply
so all the roots
are destroyed
and it will never grow back

you have a low center of gravity
when I tried to take you down
My chin found
your knee
don't call me lame
when i say
we should move on
you know it too
those days are long gone
it was wonderful back then
indian summer of 2014
just kept going it
didn't want to end
every night we grilled huge steaks
man did we eat
fit perfectly in my arms
as you fell
fast asleep

I want you to think
your in total control
As I witness your
belief in the
delusion
You've convinced
Yourself
You're pulling
the strings
In fact
It's a perfect illusion
I'm bending your will
With my brain
And in your mind
your believing
the same
But ask yourself
if you think
i'm that that weak
and if in me that's
what you saw-
Here's a big fat juicy
clue to the truth:
*That's your fatal flaw

so happy
you needed your space
the further I get
from you
the more I feel
part of the human race
Again
Once more with
The general population
Breathing untainted air
Free from your
consummation
once again life is pure
Without your
participation

I dug a hole
to fill it in
and dig again
I dig my holes
Deep and wide
To fit your promises
Inside
The ones that died
You told me
In room 216
Comfort Inn
I was your trick
you were my sin
We lied to each other
Things I can't say
As my debit card was abused
by the ATM across
the way

black hole eyes
pulling in close
can't resist eyes
begging you to lose
yourself forever
in them eyes
sacrifice everything eyes
when it became intense
you spared me this
a rare act of kindness
averted my stare
warned to not come near
it gave me the second i needed
to glimpse my future
on the other side
chewed up and
spit out
nothingness
Thanks for sparing me
the gray hairs
as i checked for my wallet
it was still there

in my head
on my back
Takes my MOJO
Give it back yo
gotta shed my load
when i'm stressed
the ******* want to play
tempting taunting twisting
in my brain
need to shed this load
Best thing is to run
in the sun
until i can't breathe
like when i was in boot camp
on an island in the south
25 year ago
I ran so fast
my lungs couldn't keep up
with my heart
it was glorious
and will be once again
*Once i shed this load

I walked my dog Maggie
Friday night
talkin' smack with my homeys
they alright
stopped at a bar
but didn't go inside
There was a sweet country girl
smoking by the side
Maggie just loved her
so did i
Well i got to be going-
we'll see ya later
She said
I hope so
and i knew
i was
home

the sun came out today
Old mister screach-ee
he burned my brain
same lesson he always
teach me
I hate him most
For that one decade
I lived 100 miles south of LA
And never went to the beach
Carlsbad Village
East Pointe Ave
Dana and *****
best neighbors I
ever had
Now I have new freaks
And i fit right in
Now when Mr Screach's
Rays are far-reaching
He always finds
my skin

I like our game
it's a total lie
and you can escape
anytime
it feels like to me
i'm contributing to your
delinquency
and when you tell me you
love me
it sounds like you've
never put those
three words together in
the same
sentence
before
So never you worry
Your pretty head
It never leaves the room
Because it means nothing
It's wasted breath

Paid my dime
Went for the ride
But the joke was on me
The game stuck on repeat
The same refrain
over and over
in my brain
i.....love.....you
So apprehensive
and with lack of
commitment
like you knew
it would be accompanied by
A heavy burden
but couldn't stop
yourself

She said i'm new in town
can you show me around?
I like the finer things
my puppets on strings.
i'd love to get messy
with such an amazing
specimen but just looking
at you can see where
it goes...
Although you got me
thinking with my stones
I prefer more substance I need
meat on the bone-
best for you to move down
the road...but I'm all alone

Well you look sweet enough
A good ol' country girl
Hop on in let's
*give it a whirl