Residential Treatment
it isn't what I thought it'd be
I don't know what I had in mind
Perhaps a place to heal,
a place to unwind

But we delve into my conciousness
Past the men who toyed with me
and past the things you'd done to me,
further till my blood ran cold
two figures
a child
a man
my hand in his
as they walk down the corridor
masked by darkness
I dared to cast a glance at him
My eyes returned to the hardwood floor
He opens the door
A dark room, I'm filled with dread
my stomach drops

And then it stops
We're driving home
back in your memory
In your truck,
the place where you hurt me
Your vile touch
Black eyes of greed
Why do I feel safer,
here in the arms of a predator
than where that man took me?

I know how to say the words
But what's the meaning?
Silent screaming and sore throats
There's a pit in my stomach
But where's the emotion
There's a war in my head

Every Morning
Laying by the window pane
He soaks up the sun

Food in a box
Plastic wrapped
Safe
locked away
Salty
or
Sweet
or
Spicy

I tried to make a salad
what's hiding between the leaves
               Bugs?
Creeping and crawling
               Eggs?
waiting to hatch inside my stomach?
Something sinister is lurking behind the crevices
I dump the bowl into the garbage
I wrap the head in two plastic bags

Okay, so maybe I haven't showered since Monday,
way behind on ALL of my assignments, didn't even finish half of my essay which is due in 17 minutes
BUT
I still got out of bed
I wrote the outline for the paper
I saved two honey bees with paper and a Starbucks cup
that's something.
It barely counts as functioning, but it kind of does.
I am trying

I am breathing

I am doing the best I can

And that has to be enough, it has to be enough for today. Because right now that kind of all Ive got. Oh geez 14 minutes, to be honest I am kind of panicking.... She gonna go over my essay and be disappointed, I want to run. I cant run, if I run then I get another zero. If I get another zero- Okay okay. Stop! Breathe, good. Youre spiraling more than if you give a mouse a cookie. What is your life now "If you give Carissa a 0,"? Deep breaths me, deeeeeep breaths.  

See now I am trying REALLY hard not to spiral and all of these random anxieties are flitting through my head and everytime I go for one I let go of another. 10 minutes


10 minutes
whoooh boi
I am not ready

Write Write Write
Erase
Nothing I type makes sense
Erase
Nothing I type makes s
Nothing I type ma
Nothing I typ
Nothing I
Nothing
Erase
Erase
Erase
I should be working on my essay
I haven't even finished the first page'
its due at 1:30
its 12:40
I am *******
All I can think is
Do you remember those giant erasers?
You know, the ones we played with in elementary school?
No?
Okay, well just imagine a normal eraser, but HUGE. Bigger than your hand! Just do that, for me, for just one second.
Anyways, one December I was playing with my friends and for Christmas Sandy got one--
                                   --Are you imagining?
And she pretending to erase me, at first I laughed
but as the day went on everyone went along with it
they all acted as if I was invisible. As if I hadn't ever existed. I cant recall if I cried but it got to the point that I started to believe it. To question my reality, if I ever really existed, and obviously I did, do, but then I asked myself... If they could so easily let me go, let me disappear? Did any of this, did they, did I, did we even matter?
                                                                  "What are we getting at here?"
"That's it,"
                                                                   "That was the big ******?"
"Yup."
                                                    "Geez, but like what happened next?"
"Well,"
                                                                     "Mhmmm?"
"the next day I existed."
                                                               "Oh,"
"Disappointed?"

                                         "Kind of, I thought thered be a conclusion..."

"Nope,"

                       "Hey, don't you have an essay due in like 30 minutes?"
"****."

The warning signs were all there
Was I too blind?
Or
Too stubborn to see them?
Last night while I kissed a boy
You bought a gallon of gasoline
Last night I was lifting weights
You doused the inside of your car
Last night I jumped in the pool
You sat in your car and held a lighter
While I held my breath
You released yours
While my body froze in the icy waters
You were ready to light yours on fire
When I got the call
I felt my heart fall
The flame didn’t ignite
Your heart is still beating
You are alive.

You are a good looking man
You pack me a lunch box every morning
but it is filled with poison
A kiss on the forehead keeps me coming back
You are too sweet, sugar in my veins
I am too tired to see
You are slowly killing me
This path I am traveling is already paved
When I come home too late
You are waiting by the door

one

      two

              at the count of three

this pregnant pause will birth

                  a bruise across my cheek

I wear a wry smile
a flower drenched in red
pain overshadowed by you
you play the florist
but all you do is cut my blooms
and drown me in tears
you have a knack for playing the hero
so go on and shine
while I stay and wither

I want to be more
You ask me what we are
I squeeze your hand
  ….I want
              Walks on the beach
                         Ice cream dripping from our lips
                                   the summer heat beating down on us
                Roller coaster rides
                        Fear building up inside me
                                     But it's okay because you're right beside me
                Midnight drives
                          Safe from the winter chill
                                    In the comfort of your coat
                Spring gardening
                           Covered in dirt and mud
                                     And I'm wearing your old shirt
Instead I smile and wait
I wait for an answer,
  an answer I don't want to hear
You say you're confused
You say you don't know
I promise to wait for you
To let you figure out how you feel
My pride falls to the pit of my stomach
More than anything I wish I could *****
I want to run away from your car
But I don't want to leave your side
This is more than lust
It's more than a friendship

  I WANT us to be more than a brief comet ablaze in the sky
                 and gone in the blink of an eye

Flashing Lights
Pink glow stick on my wrist
Blue on yours
You take my hand and spin me
'round and 'round
We collapse into one another
Being with you is always a win
My favorite boy
My best friend
From dancing at PRIDE
to laying on the couch
We always meld
Near or far
No matter our fights
I'll keep sending my love
Because you send my heart
'round and 'round

A fun day
the four of us
a couple
and us
two strangers
sitting on the couch
a controller shared between us
the echoes of our laughter
bounce off those four walls
your shoulder leans against me
my stomach drops
with eyes wide as saucers i look at you
a relaxed smile
warm brown eyes
    What is this?
       I don't want to feel this
         My heart is running a mile a minute
           The lies of ex lovers circles through my head
         Deep breath in
        This is nothing, i feel nothing

I’m fine
          I’m dying inside
I’m not hungry
          I don’t deserve to eat
He was a good guy
          He ***** me

I feel everything
I feel nothing
All at once
It hits me
I
Am
Broken
Everything is a sham
I try and I try
And I cram my everything
Into doing nothing
Because I am not strong enough
I can hear them slam the doors in my head
Their voices yelling back and forth
About who’s fault I am
It is not them though
It’s me
It’s him
A blue tv
His hand over mine
I was a child
It’s me
Its him
A ride in a truck
His hand on my head
I was 17

You held me
             You Hurt me
You loved me
              Your hands on me
You promised you would protect me
               You were the monster I feared
Every whisper
                Every insult
Brought me to life
                Destroyed me
A weekend away
                Two hours in the truck
Was paradise
                Was Torture
Every soft caress
                 Every dominative stare
The holding of hands
                  The body you claimed
The touching of lips
                   The skin you made me taste
You cried when you left
                    I cried at what was left of me
An ultimatum in three months
                     A chance at freedom
A broken heart
                     A weight off my shoulders
I hate you
                     I love you
For hurting me
                      For showing me how strong I am
You made me a victim
                      I became a pheonix

Noah stood at the edge of the falls, her hair blowing in the storm brewing along the coast line. The waves thrashed at the same pace that her heart crashed against her ribs. A crimson smile on her lips but tears ran down her face all the same. She wanted to take the leap, but she was tethered to this spot, she wasn’t sure how long it had been, perhaps an eternity? Her chest was heavy, weighed down by the sins of others, their words and actions carved into her skin. The wind picked up and she opened her mouth and sang the song of the sirens.

Tears on the pavement
Cold metal pressed against my
temple
Is this me?
Or
Is it the pain?
Why do you do this
To me?
Your words are kind
But your eyes
They cut me deep
Its not as simple as this
My flame is dwindling
My mind is weak

I've been put into isolation
A big metal box
I've started thinking about suffocation
But the cuts on my arm burn
Too much for me to think
The voices in my head distract me
****
****
****
There should be more choices
But it comes down to two things
Mental or physical
Don't cut or cut
But the decisions been made
Cut
Cut
Cut

I took the pills to set me free
But as I swallowed
It came with a fee

I pleaded with God
Please don't let me die
I begged for forgiveness
And I asked myself why

So here I lay
The room spinning around me
I thought I'd be sleeping soundly
Dark spots blue my vision
I truly regret this decision

Because I don't want to leave
And I don't want to die
I won't stop praying
God don't let me die yet

And here I thought you were a man
But you ran away
When the truth came out
You're just a boy

So how is it that I feel shame
When you played with me
Like a toy

But honey you're just a boy

How good does it feel to walk away?
After all of those late night talks
To find you gone a week later
Without so much as a bye

As long as I work
My mind doesn't wonder to you
But at those silent moments
When the stars shine
My thoughts turn violent

And I ask myself
Was it something I said?
Is that why you fled?

It hurts more than I thought it would, I should've known better than to tell you the truth. But you gave me an ultimatum, either I tell you what ruined me or you would leave. The thought of you disappearing was more than I could bare. And yet, a week later your "done," and I'm no longer worth anything to you.  For some men, once they get *** they go, I once thought they were the worst kind of heart breakers. But it's the ones like you, the ones that comfort girls at 3 a.m. The ones that make a girl fall in love with you and tell you their deepest darkest secret.. But then, the moment you finish the puzzle you move onto a new girl. And right now you're probably holding a girl who just wants to be loved in your arms... And right now I still can't stop myself from wondering if it was my fault. I squander all of my time, going over every text, every conversation that will tell me why. Why I wasn't and why I'm not good enough for you

Can you bring me home
Back to yesterday
When I was ok

Because sometimes it hurts
When it all falls apart
Can you bring me home
Back to before the start
When everything was as it should be

Can you tell me
Can you tell me
That I will be just fine
When the darkness
Calls out to me

Please
Give
Me
A
Sign

Will you hold me?
When it gets to be
Too much

Will you wipe away
All the tears that fall
When my cards are
About to fold

Will you kiss me
If the the scars become too much
When there's nothing left to do

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

Will you talk to me
To keep my fears at bay
When the bars are closing in

And will you love me
Even if there's nothing left to save
When I'm shattered and led astray
What do you say
What do you say

And I leave in the morning
So I don't have to see your face
So I don't have to feel ashamed

As I walk down the street all I can think is
'Oh what a waste'
And you're probably sitting in your bed
With a crown on your head

'Cause you think
You're way up there
Oh-oh-ohh

As I walk down the street
I blink back the tears
Another day I've been played
And you're already searching
For a better rack

Cause you think
You're all that
Oh-oh-ohh

I'm not sure what it is
That makes my heart beat beat beat for you
But that smile that lights up my world
Now has me running for miles

And the warmth of you
Now makes me feel so cold
But my heart still beats beats beats for you

My heart still aches
From leaving you alone in this world
But your love no longer fills the void
So I leave in the morning

And baby I am mourning
And baby I am yearning for your touch
But my heart still beats beats beats for you

I know you won't understand
Why you woke up all alone
But your sad eyes are enough to **** me
Now our lips will never meet again

And the thought of you
Brings me to tears
But my heart still beats beats beats for you

Your absence awakes all my fears
But you're no longer here to scare them away
Baby I'm afraid that you're arms will never hold me
I'm sorry that it ended this way

But my heart still beats beats beats for you
My heart still beats beats beats for you
And my heart still breaks breaks breaks for you

All I want
Is to curl up under the covers
Tucked snugly between your arms
But you are miles away
Which wipes my smiles away

All I want
Is your hands on my hips

I sent out an S.O.S
But you didn't answer
I needed you
Because I'm bent beyond repair
So I return to my old friend
Mr.Blade
What a familiar face
But your touch is cold
And it only brings red
Such pain is tolerable
It's only a small sting
Compared to the chaos inside
And from you?
Not even a call
Even when my tears fall

I've never said these words out loud
I couldn't bare the pain of it
Surely I would go insane
So if you want to leave
I won't grab onto your sleeve
I won't fight you to stay
Because this talk is scarring
And I won't tell you to go
And I won't tell you to stay
All I want you to know
Is your my home

My past is flawed
And my future unknown
You are my rock
I'm your stone

Of all the things I've seen
Of all the places I've gone
Of all the people I've been
Your heart still guides me where I need to be
Even when I can't be found
I just want your to know
You've been my compass all along

And these words kept inside
That have haunted me for so long
Are about to be set free
For I know you will not taunt
You'll trust me as I am

That look in your eyes
Makes me feel safe inside
And your arms around me
Just show me the love that you feel
I just want you to know
You are my home

You love love love me
But I shove shove shove you
I can't handle your sweet caress
Maybe that's my fault
I'm a vandal when it comes to love
You say my hearts locked in a vault
But I think that's ok
Because you stay stay stay
And you love love love me
When We open my eyes in the morning
Our fingers interlock
We're each other's only allies
Even my alarm clock won't stop me
From dreaming about you
But when you say I love you
My heart only breaks
So I shove shove shove you
But you stay stay stay with me

I know that no one will ever be able to love me, because I won't let them. I know that if I do it will hurt them because of how broken I am. I'm not broken on the outside though. On the outside I'm cute and smiley. It's the inside that's broken, that's been beaten and shattered. From the moment I was born Ive been broken. But with each day a new crack forms and when the night falls I'm haunted by nightmares. I'm taunted by what happened on the night with the blue TV and the shadow at the threshold. Hollow from the words I can't bare to share. A tear in my heart from my fathers affair. Only the tip of the ice berg, for why I'm unmendable.

Lips as sweet as honey
Please don't make me beg
Let's just head to the sheets
Don't be such a tease
There wont be any regrets

Alcohol sour on my lips
I swear I'm about to fall
I cower at the thought of you
Oh the walls I've set up
The knotts in my stomach
All due to you
My soul is broken
No one to repair it
My pain is unspoken
I could yell 'It's not fair!'
But the chain would still remain

these four walls
have got me

She's a teenage tragedy
With scars that will never fade away
She's no longer in a cage
She has severed her life line
She wont need your shoulder anymore
Her tears have stopped falling
Your heart feels sore
She gave you all these fears,
The day her life ceased

Trust
It is something I have lost
But you ****** it upon me
At the cost of my pain

I see now that it wasn't worth risking
It was all in vain
The past has been unearthed
Because of you I fall