Please please I need you here
if not to hold me
then to remind me
that I'm not the only one left
when the sun goes down
that I can still survive
I can beat my own mind
I'm not alone
I've got my soul
and no one can rip that out of me
it's who I am and it is mine
all that matters is I stay true to who
I want to be
and not revert to the old me
I can't fade back into that sad
depressive state
I can't take the constant thoughts
nagging me they're always
too much or not enough
and I swore that I would stay here
and push on for this empty cause
we're all plagued with
and I know that I'm not perfect
sometimes I almost turn back
but if you grab me by the wrist
tell me "darling you're better than this"
I promise I will try

{NR}

your parents were right
when they said not to make friends online
because it's dangerous.

don't make friends online
because while your almost-brother
can't sleep for the 159th night in a row
your arm can't reach across half the country
to grab the sleeping pills out of his hand.

you won't even have money to fly to the funeral.

and you'll blame yourself
for the rest of your ******* life
for not being awake with him.

don't make friends online
because your life turns into numbers:
$642 for a plane ticket,
4 states away,
20 hours behind the wheel.

don't make friends online
because you'll fall in love with her
and you'll never touch her.

don't make friends online
because when she has a panic attack,
california is hours away
and you can't bring her tea
and count 1-2-3 to help her breathe
and hold her while she cries.

don't make friends online
because you'll constantly live in fear
that it'll happen again, but on purpose this time,
that she'll give up on life
and you'll have two souls pulling on your shoulders
and you'll cry yourself to sleep
with the same mantra pounding at your skull
i should have been there

so listen up kids
it's dangerous

I fell for you the way my head fell into your shoulder that night
Ever so suddenly.
We became one, as if two pieces of a metal heart became welded together
Except my half was blood red, running with passion and love, while yours ran ice cold.
Your words shot bullets, your eyes shot daggers,
Both of which I felt way too hard,
But the lie "I love you" always felt the worst.
And every day for 649 days your lie hurt more and more
As we both reached the finish line to our relationship.
You ran the race far better than I ever could,
Because you always kept yourself in shape,
While I was too fascinated by those lines made into your abdomen and chest,
Ever so perfectly etched,
But not for me.
You were so in shape, they were so defined so you could reach the finish line for her.
I knew you loved your sports
but this was a game I didn't know I would be playing,
while you knew every detail, and play by play.
And I was just another sucker to fall for it, & for your big brown eyes
Those same eyes that swore they would never leave,
Those same eyes that cried when they realized their lies took over my body and sliced their daggers through my wrists leaving never fading scars.

I identify you with the smell of cigarettes.
You've never been to my house,
but my father smokes too.

Father always said,
boys will break your heart,
take from you what they want and leave.
I'm sorry, dad.
Your little girl fell too hard
for a boy with a nicotine scent,
and deep forest eyes.
I should've listened.

You've tried to shelter me,
but I've always been someone
with a knack for adventure,
and an interest in mystery.

He rolled my poetry up,
took my match heart,
and set it on fire.

I knew I was lighting a flame,
but I didn't know it'd go out with the wind.

I don't think he cares,
I was set on fire,
and there's not even ashes there.
I went up in smoke,
and for all he knew,
I disappeared.

Daddy,
please stop smoking,
you smell like him.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.

Chisel me away
I've given you the hammer and all my weak points
So you start
With little strength starting with all my ligaments and joints
You don't tear them
Very precise and careful like you know exact what you're doing
I should've learned from the past
Even though everyone tells and teaches not to take it with you
How can i forget when its in repetition and tied to the strings on my shoes
I have adapted to the hurt
Or lack there of
The sight of you doesn't make me sick anymore
Just an itch in the back of my throat that i still can't stand
You didn't rip out my heart or make me question who i am
You just simply made me feel like i wasn't worth it
Or anything at all
Dirt beneath your feet
I've dug through every inch of my body and ripped out your disease
Burned the bridge that connected our hearts and minds
I hope you do the same
As methodically and perfect as me
Because when you're digging through old love notes i don't want you to feel a thing when you find
Any residue of my feelings
Because they were a mistake
A mistake not so grave
You weren't the best or the worst
Just somewhere in the middle
Very forgettable
In all you're insecure self loathing beauty
You know my nature and all i stand for
A deliberate betrayel that i seen from a mile away
The itch is gone
And so are you