Dear Picture-in-my-head,

I wish I had you for my reality instead.



Your star spangled banners,

your dim faded lights,

that alan walker music

misty, misty night.



Him,

from the corner of eyesight

letting his frown drop,

asking me in. Our time.



An audacious vivacity,

the merry sliding down of unhinged desires.

A mating of intellectuality,

less of skinny lust, discarded mask and pride.



Wafting smell of earth drenched in season’s first rain,

halting words breaking the initial stranger pace.

Cups of ginger tea than ***** and ice,

living the moment than getting drowned in haze.



I could whisper my secret wishes -the one that involves a mountain top,

a leather jacket, bullet ride

an unfaltering speech – woman of the moment,

a potential done right.



You could tell me about that night you cried,

That misunderstood age

Your favourite cartoons,

And their funny ways.



We could draw the clouds on our palms,

The ones that compliment a picturgasmic sunset

Feel the lightness of solitude,

the sweetened somethings in the nothing.



The breeze would crash against me,

Before it hit you softly in the face,

And it would feel just right,

To let you have a bit of me this night.



It would be good, or even better;

but it’s just stuck in letters.

For it’s a trapped swansong – in a party with people I barely know,

and wouldn’t want to, at the end of the night.

I am not beautiful...
        I am choked up tears, cover-up smiles
        the kind of light that turns you blind
        from having too less or more than enough.

I am not beautiful...
        I am scratched out scars, burnt out heart
        the kind of storm that wrecks up lives
        creeping stealthily through the night.

I am not beautiful...
        I am not your quintessential girl
        the kind that walks with a perfect stance
        swaying waist of 26" and pretty face all made up

I am not beautiful...
      I am edges and curves, messy hair and everything you *never dreamt of
       The kind that repulses you by skin, and attracts you by mind
       Someone you'll never know because. . .

I am not beautiful.

Put your head on my lap
Let me sing you a lullaby.
You've been awake through some nights
But there was a girl who went through few more
And in those moment you let your tears drop
She wrote herself a song.

I know you're broken,
I know you're sad,
But it will be over before you know;
Life's not about the crests, there will be troughs
Like a musical note.

It's dark now,
There's no one with you,
But at the end of the day we're all alone;
Be your own best friend, why do you pretend?
That we don't die alone.

Those teardrops on cheeks,
Glisten like pearl beads,
But the thing you're crying for doesn't deserve it;
You're worth more, than you know
So you might as well listen to me tell you how.

We've fallen, but we'll get back up,
Our failures don't define us.
We're broken, but we will heal
Else carry scars on our back with pride.
They can hit us once, not more than twice
We are not weak, just polite.
We'll fight for what's ours, not smile when we're dark inside,
We have hung enough of us for sacrifice.
And those double faced friends, relationships with dead ends,
Say them goodbye and make it end.

Just keep smiling, Sweetheart
You're better than your past,
There's more to life than war.
So don't give up!
If not today, tomorrow is ours,
If not better we're less worse.

2am,
I've got to go,
I'll visit you again, when you're alone
If not sweet dreams, may a sweet life wake you up
Sleep well, my love.

My insides churned up in an inner turmoil
Thoughts jumbled and eyes grew moist
He looked, wide eyed full of hope at me
I stood there numb, wishing it was you with me.

My cheeks pale instead of rosy love
Scorning the man fate has written for me
Every little distance he inches,
I wish the distance was closing in between you and me.

His hands brushed against my knees
I struggle against this repulsion I feel for him
He's moving near, nearer; yet still far
He kissed my lips, but how do I remove the stains of your kiss on my heart?

Maybe it's in my mind, but he's using force
He senses I'm not with him in this act of love
His hands grow colder, he clutches tighter now
That moment he pulls me in, I let myself go.

I'm in this place I'm not supposed to be
You're sitting there looking at a framed photo of me
Your face is pale, you're thinking about us
I kneel down in front of you, you hold me close
Why didn't you try when there was still time?
What made you force me to say goodbye?
What made you choose your circumstances over me?
The society doesn't care, don't you see?
You mumble sorry and cry along with me
It's too late, we both can see

He's done with me, and I'm done with my daydream
He can sleep with my body, not with me
I'm still with you, when I'm with him
I'm still loving you, with him loving me.

**Forever yours.

I've let the winds comfort me
I've let myself be swept away
When the stars hid behind clouds hued grey
I've sat and waited for silver linings and new day.
But now I can't keep the winds on a leash
Forgive me, for what I might end up saying, please?
Because I've kept the band of silence wrapped around my mouth for long,
And tonight I don't have it in me to be strong.

I remember the times I use to play, with toys coloured in hues of yellow and grey
When my mother tucked me into dreams with a sweet lullaby
When the wounds I got healed up in time
When I didn't get lost because I had a hand in mine.
When the only monsters I was scared of were under my bed
I've grown up, but they still scare me; they are now in my head.

There are people smiling with eyes freezing cold
There are ones that call "Angel", and push me into the storm.
There is a society that always wants to judge
Compares, constricts and locks me in a room of their
hollow morals gathering dust.
There is a love that doesn't make sense
Wasn't it supposed to make you whole? Why do I feel,
all pieces and ripped soul?
The fairy tales lied, there was no 'happily ever after', after the end.

You say, I'm not good enough,
How do I tell you that I already know?
What is pretty about a face stained with teardrops shed
in the dark of night alone?
How do I tell you about my broken smile?
My eyes that shine, not with my happiness but of those
in my life.
How do I tell you about how I've loved and lost?
That I still dream about the dead hand I never got to
touch.
Do you know that abandoned ruins and thunderstorms
resemble me the most?
Because under the masks I wear, there are wars I fought
How do I tell you I feel lonely?
Because they all claim they're different, but the ones that differ, are left alone.
How do I tell you you're my only friend?
Because everyone I love leaves me in the end.
How do I tell you what you already know, aren't you my reflection in the mirror on the wall?

I never said I would be easy
But I also wasn't so hard
That you made me stand outside you
While I let you inside my heart.
 
There were nights I crawled
Into my bed, to never find warmth and peace
Keeping my side of our promises
Isn't easy alone, you see.
 
There were hours I spent
Waiting on you,
Only for you to arrive and leave;
While I, in all my foolishness, thought you were the antidote to me.
 
I fall down everyday
In trying to make us rise.
I silence them everyday,
Those tears that slide down my cheeks asking, "Where's the end to this sacrifice?"
 
Conversations with you turn stale
Solutions take turns insane
Is goodbye our closure?
Maybe, yeah - I should've known! "Happily ever after"s were never in my fate.
 
But before we do that,
Before I leave,
I wish you knew this,
I wish you understood my side of the scene -
I never stopped waiting on you, even when I said no
I never stopped loving you, even when you said don’t
And that moment you threw us away
I died, and continue to do so.
 
**Forever yours.