One of those days
Heavy deep sighs
Tears behind tired eyes
Purposeless lies
It’s alright and I’m fine
Tiptoeing that line
Empty pit
Losing it
Despair takes hold
Whilst I unfold
To broken to hold
Many pieces
No releases
Take me away
I don’t want to do this another day!

I want to be honest with someone
I want to show someone the closet full of bones, my attic of grief..
I want to want someone to care for these wounds
To understand the pain inflicted by them
I want someone to want to know my truth
To gingerly peel back the dressings covering these open gashes
To kiss my broken parts and accept them as they are
To hold me whilst they heal
But every time these bandages are pulled back
When they are raw and sore
I’m under attack
Like pressure points to bend me to there will
Forever a weakness
Forever a reminder that no one will ever love the broken
That raw is vulnerable
So I use the knives that stabbed me and I build an armour

I’m so tired of being me
Tired of feeling to much, too much love, too much hate, too much of my own body
When the tears you cry itch and burn and every emotion you feel makes your stomach churn

Tired …

Tired of caring to much, it’s exhausting
When social interactions cost all your rations and a hug can trigger enough to lead to regrettable actions
When crumbs on the floor stick, make you sick feeling engulfed in waves of unease it’s unappealing

To be me…

To be me and hate every inch of your being
To be me and live with all my neurosis
To itch and scratch In your brain and in your veins the unreachable unteachable tendrils that sliver

To be me is to be tired
To be tired is to be
Human.

A poem has rules and structure, a rhyme has to be well thought out and neat.
My words much like our love lack these qualities right now… like our love they are raw without rhyme or reason, not well thought out and by all means an absolute mess… and I think it’s beautiful, the way my brain turns to goo when I think of you. The way my heart forgets to keep its walls up when you hold me. The way when I see your smile I can’t understand the funny bursting feeling in my chest. I can’t explain how the curve of your smile against mine feels like two wholes becoming one. I can’t explain why two weeks ago I could have lived without you in my life and how the idea that I did baffles and hurts my heart. My words, like our love are full of boundless opportunities that could go on forever and climb to the greatest heights,  if only my heart could speak clearly… I can’t explain what it feels like to walk alone cold scared constantly slipping looking for shelter in all the wrong places and the relief I found the night I fell into your warm embrace, I can’t explain why you smell like home, feel like safety and kiss like passions personification….
I mean maybe I can, maybe I have some words but do they make much sense coming from this love drunk fool?

Wolf
Hot cold
Laughing loving leaving
Only here for moments
Precious
Yet never to be mine

I see kind eyes tracing my body
I hear my heart flutter when he nears
I taste his lips against my smile
I smell his scent on my sheets
And
I feel… oh too much...

See I wanted to check in with a smile or a grin
Show you some scale of grandeur or win
But when your smiles wafer  thin and you can see them looking in
Head hung low and you can't meet there eyes, raise your chin ....

See I wanted to ask
Are you okay?
How is your day?
But love is a currency I am to broke to pay

Just one more hurdle I've got to get through and I'll get back to you
Over this one under that one two steps forward one step back, hey look another panic attack...
A sign of reprieve puts my mind at ease
Of course but a tease
One breath and I'm back
Grief stricken heart attack

See I wanted to smile
Run for a mile
Or just sit and enjoy for awhile
With you and me
Good company
So once again I'll plea
no more hurdles please let me be
I have friends, a family to raise and people who need me...
Alas to no avail
The next trauma makes the last seem pale
And when I go to stand this time I know I may fail

See what I wanted was never on the cards
Life is one big hardship
Not some tale of fantasy sung by thy bard
So ignore my silence for words right now are just to hard...

It stopped being that I couldn’t hold you and became that you couldn’t hold me at 2
When at 4 am my tears ran dry
Failure, guilty screaming in my head
and I looked up to the sky tears in my eyes
Beg god to head my cries
Take me instead
It stopped being that I couldn’t see you
smile and play in the sun
And became that you never drew one breathe into your lungs at 3
When the morning sun shone
And I remembered you where gone
Why couldn’t it be me
At four your sister crawled the floor
And I couldn’t have asked for more
Except I could have...
at five if you could pay for a life in tears you would be alive
At six it was a weird mix..
Bitter sweet as I finally laid eyes on you again a picture with a tinge of blue
I was to late to fix...
At seven...
Please take me to heaven
My hearts to sore to do this anymore.

I am not ready yet
Not for the pain
Not even the gain
I am not ready yet
To open my chest and try to offer what’s left
Or for the theft that always happens next
It’s not of my heart
Just probably what’s left of my spark
I am not ready yet
Not ready for the drain
Not ready to be tame
I am not ready yet
But it’s always so lonely
Out here with me only
No warm embrace
To numb the taste
Of the poisons you left

You had me in a corner for awhile..
falling for all the same routines time after time and I let you keep me there..
how does it feel?
When you are the one ignored?
when you are the one pushed to the edge of breaking?
when you are battered and bruised begging for mercy and none comes?
How does your poison taste dear love?
Is it a familiar taste?
Or has no one ever dared to put it to you?
Does it trickle into your thoughts in every waking second or is it a prickly numbness refusing to leave you?
Can you feel it eating away at your pride? The way it ate at mine for so long? Does it catch in your breath crush your windpipes until you feel the darkness surrounding you?
Tell me love does it hurt?

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see a fighter or do you look past it and see my scars?
Do you think they make me brave?
Am I someone for you to save?

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you believe the pride of my stride
Or do you see what I’m trying to hide?

What don’t you see when you look at me?
Do you miss my insecurities
Heart begging you “love me please”.

What do you see when you look at me?
I’m watching you stare right through
These deep eyes of blue

And I ponder again

What do you see...?

One minute please
Pleasure pain going insane
Itchy tetchy smile in vein

One minute please
Pulse rapid mouth dry
Be polite don’t dare cry

One minute please
Chest tight fight or flight
Deep breath no no oxygen panic peaks a new hight

One minute please
World spins room dims
Numb limbs

One minute please
And I’m okay
What an odd reaction to a stranger saying good day...

I’m on the verge of a dream
Heaven send
So serene
A glimmer of hope, a ray of sun gleam
My heart lights up, my eyes beam
It’s all to much to hope for
Doubt settles in
lock the door
I’ve been kicked to the floor enough times to never be sure
My hearts too sore
Happy endings? Ha! Folk lore...
But what if?
What if? WHAT IF?!
What if it breaks us the way it has every time before
Shatters our very core
Leaves us the broken look Mum always wore
You don’t know that!
It could be so good
Two puzzle pieces carved from the same piece of wood!
A picture of love no falsehood
Just us and him, a verandah and a bottle of Jim
What could be? What should be?
COULD, WOULD, SHOULD?!
How naive...
The best thing to do is let it be..
How can’t you see?
Why reach for the same rose with thorns like horns
So eager to bite
Dripping blood from your last fight
And still your dumb hopeful mouth utters words like might?

Are you playing my heart is this just another game?
trying to love you’s got me going insane
Words going round and round in my brain it’s not just exhausting it’s a physical pain
I tell you I love you and you just turn away
You tell me I’m crazy you tell me we’re done this is all to hard you just wanna have some fun
If you wanted fun you should have stuck with a fling I don’t want one night I want the real thing
Ya tell me your scared cuz I’m wondering if we’re meant to be but I take one step back and your ready to let go of me

What a beautiful rush
I can’t get enough
He is my addiction, just one last puff
He sees right through me he calls my bluff


I’m lost in his eyes
Legs wrapped around his thighs
The ecstasy takes hold
Every inch burns with passionate love  uncontrolled
Her lips part as a moan tells of her innocence demise

Unsafe? Unwise? This may be true I surmise
His touch his breath down my neck tantalise
Such an immense pleasure to behold
My body trembles my heart unfolds
His lust like tendrils of fire and I’m entangled in his ties

One ****** deeper and bliss is culminating
Heart racing, heaven illuminating
Satisfaction intoxicating suffocating

Heart broken
wounds open
words left unspoken

head pounding
heart ache hounding
tissues mounding

go NO stay
please come play?
Let me see your insides
lets see where the pain hides
take down your confines

I am a child again craving his approval
watching my hearts removal
all the whilst his face scrunched in reproval

am I ugly on the inside too?

Thoughts racing
pain facing
its okay babe but this may sting

cutting deeper, oh god whats left
you've taken it all my heart, my life, my breath

just a little more princess
dont stress
the way I make you feel in between shall repress

all the times you said goodbye
all the lows but never the highs

ill make you feel new again
dont fight me, its all in vein
I promise this one last cut and no more pain!

I don't know what happens next I've been down this road before there was a pothole I didn't see coming and in i fell head over heels again.
I must walk alone cold tired but fighting to find my own, to be myself but those potholes..

Temptation creeps trying to wrap its warm embrace around me what a ploy daring me to look the other way one misstep and I'll fall again you'll hold me for years and that warmth will rise till it is a smouldering burn smothering me.
In flood the memories I can't breathe a harsh reminder to withstand the cold a step each day I have to make my own way two steps forward one step back and I'm slipping stumbling crying for help and there it is another pothole perfectly foot shaped.
Dare I ever allow myself to fall again.

How many times can a heart harden before it turns to stone.
Just another brick in the wall haha

You where a vision of beauty
a bittersweet thought as I lay next to the soul ******* shell of what was once someone I loved a comfort for my woes a distraction from the truth
Though pretty soft and tender as you are my heart can not, no shall I say will not travel far
its not that I don't care its not that you where never there its just that I'm so unaware...

f only they felt the way I feel
If only they knew fake from real
If only they they stopped wondering what's society's deal
And where can I get my next meal

So fixed on being part of this machine
To make this paper that's green and mean
So they can live some materialistic dream

If only they could see through these eyes
Maybe they could realise
Life's not about some great big prize
The important things are small in size
It's holding the one you love and watching the sunrise
It's all the lows and all the highs
It's a new mum crying happy tears from tired eyes  
And It can't be found in society's lies.

"if you would have spent half the time you spend hating yourself on loving me then maybe things would have been different' finally I see why it is impossible for someone to love you if you don't love yourself

Can anyone see me?
Does anyone care?
This life is so unfair...
I give all the love I have leaving myself with nothing but anger and guilt to fill myself
I break and I wait for the saviour I think about what I would do if I saw someone in so much pain and I realise that I am completely alone...
People don't see the world as a place to love and norish they see it as a feeding ground
The worst part that is once upon a time maybe they were like me maybe they loved to much and got hurt to much... How many times can a heart harden before it becomes stone... I am turning into what I hate and I don't even think I care anymore.

I try
Everyday I try.
I reach for the goals that society has set upon the dammed, I reach for them like a lost child reaching up to a stranger hoping for a warm embrace but no warmth will ever come.
I will reach until I am grey and old trying to find some form of comfort and in the end if I have succeeded in the eyes of my piers, I will die with money in my wallet, a house for the next dammed to live in and only a pocket full of regrets. LIFE.

NOTHING WORKS, I CANT CRY, I CANT SCREAM ALL PASSION IS LOST
A CRY FOR HELP THROUGH A PICTURE OR MAYBE A SUBTEL HINT IN A POEM LONG FORGOTTEN
I GASP BUT NO AIR FILLS THESE DRIDED HUSKS NOT ONE MOMENT OF RELIEF NOTHING TO END THIS SUFFOCATION CONSTANTLY ON THE EDGE OF DEATH YET TO MY BITTER BELIEF MY HEART CONTINUES TO MOVE, HOW?!! HOW CAN YOU STILL BE BEATING THE KNIVES PROTRUDING THROUGH YOU AND OUT MY BACK STILL OZE A REDISH GOOP THE WALKING TRACK ACROSS YOU MORE BEATEN THAN A TENDERISED STEAK, THE BLACK HATRED SEEPING FROM YOUR CORE CORRODING EVERY SURFACE IT TOUCHES
EVERY HAPPY FEELING YOU ENCOUNTER LIKE SOME HELLISH ACID EATING AWAY AT ANY INCH OF HUMANITY REMAINING .... AND YET YOU STILL BEAT.

Dear heart, please listen unto the
Let me love I plea
He loves us can't you see!?
Just let this be
His love could set us free!
Please listen oh just listen to me!

Can't you see him crying?
Each day parcialy dying
He loves us, I'm not lying!

I know I've led us wrong before
I'm sorry & I know your sore
But I promise his worth fighting for!
Can't you see how he adores?
Loves you despite your many flaws?

The birds singing outside, the smell of mums cinnamon porridge drifting from the kitchen mixed with the crisp cold morning air
The sun, she kisses my face as I lay in my bed waking from a peaceful slumber I hear the innocent giggles of my siblings playing outside
In this moment life is perfect & I feel total bliss & an unconditional love from the earth & those on it
In this moment life is perfect
A thought from the previous day passes my mind, my father standing over my sister with his belt in hand, he lashes out & she screams I cringe & hide further into the corner he pulls the belt back & strikes again " I told her not to hide ******* in the closet"
Another shriek of pain sounds traveling straight through my core
He leaves & my sister lays there weeping I go to her & hold her close she cries into my chest & pulls in closer
I whisper to her of our future & the leaving this place, I see the light return to her eyes
In this moment thing are perfect
Years later & I am a full grown woman my fiancé & I are expecting our daughter in one day I awake at 3am feeling terrified like a lost child in a shopping mall
I awake my partner & tell him something's wrong he reassures me till I drift off to sleep in his arms  
The morning comes with a gloomy feel & I rush into hospital
My mother & I throw jokes whilst waiting for the ultra sound & I feel safe again into the room onto the hard cold steel bed & we begin, I can't look my heart is racing & I look at my mother her face tells me my answer before the doctor slips out one word
The earth falls from beneath me & my dreams & hopes all come undone
After 24hours of excruciating pain I hold her body, limp & life less I wipe the blood from her nose & kiss her forehead before they take her away
My partner holds my hand as we weep for our child he tells me we can make it through this
In this moment life is perfect
A year goes by, she would have been one today my fiancé left for his previous lover & I sought comfort in a gentle caring soul who I am to broken to return love to
I crave to hold my daughter to hear her laugh & watch her blow out her candles
She is gone & I lay here wide awake sobbing into my pillow but it the morning I will sing her her song & the birds will sing & the sun will once again kiss my face as she sends her love down upon me
And in that moment ... Life will be perfect.
It's not about what you don't have, it's about being grateful for what you do have, life is a series of perfect moments you just have to look a bit harder for them sometimes.

The tears I'm chocking on
The past I'm running from
Find the reason to hold on
Find the place where you belong
Life won't stop for a broken heart
Face the truth before it tears you apart
Let out the woe full cries inside
From this much pain you can not hide
The lies you live show in your stride
The downward glances, the lack of pride
It's not okay & you know your not fine
Please remember that is not a crime!

Moving forwards or moving back
My life Just seems so out of whack

Feeling trapped and alone
A lifestyle even I can not condone

Set me free
Please let me be
Let me be free
& tis i, I shall be

No more false pretence as you see infront of the

Please let me be
Just set me free

Into the eternal bliss that is the sky
Where I can be rid of this lie
Send me where the angles cry

Let me be
Please oh please Just set me free!

When all has come undone
That is when you've truly won
The ones who are winning are actually in last
What's done is done
Its in the past
Now your true story has begun
Its time for a recast
Don't be a fool and do a re-run
Move on fast
& learn what's fun!

A baby girl you promised me
But you stole her away from the
Now as empty as one can be
From this pain I must be free

Sleep deprived
Eyes weary yet wide
No were to hide
No one with whom to confide
Oh how I wish it was I who had died

For without love my heart is broken
And everyday to a new pain I am awoken
But how would you know you never stayed & now my pain remains forever unspoken
You all turned your backs
Oh can you imagine that
When I needed you you where gone and that's the facts
So rip at my heart
(You have gotten good at it, let's call it an art )
And tear me apart
(You did right from the start )
And I'll Just play my part...

The role involves a bit of crying
The ones you love dying
And a whole lot of lying

You'll say things like I'm okay
& todays a good day
Just to keep the looks of pitty at bay
You'll stay in bed all day and lay
You'll push people away
And then be left wishing you weren't to stupid to Just say " please stay!"

Is this friendship or something more
Feeling this way is like breaking a law
When the words you speak go straight to my core
oh how I adore

The things you say I just can't bare
For how could my loves, love compare
To do this to him would be much to unfair

My feelings for you are unsure
Heart trapped and needing to soar
Chaffing against the chain leaving me raw
And ever so sore

I feel so guilty but who could have foresaw
That I could have ever wanted something more  
Should I, would I, could I ever show him the door?

There are rules to which I can not abide
Feelings that I just can't hide
Wanting nothing but to run away and hide
Serching to find someone, to whom I can confide

So I could whisper secrets
Of deep regrets
For love has put me in emotional debt
Why did I make such a foolish bet

I put my heart on the line
And now I can not turn back time
I can't pretend that I'm fine
Or that foreve you'll be mine

For I just don't feel the way I felt
I'm so sorry that I was the hand you where delt
My love like a belt
Whipped you while you knelt

Pleaing for my love
I gave you a massive shove
And turned for the skies above.

A love so strong
Yet oh so wrong

Is this feeling right
Or should I stay and fight
For the one who stood beside me through all the long nights
The one who took my breath away and holds me oh so tight
This choice is to hard and can not be taken light

How can I say I do
When my heart is split in two
My heart has turned to goo
And I'm left wondering what, when and WHO?

Laying in bed i think to my self

What ever happened to my mental health?

I'm no picture of perfect stealth

And not much to live for with no kind of wealth

I laugh to myself even though i know its not funny

And imagine what it would be like if today were sunny

Would every body still be indoors making there money

What a waste of something quite so cunning

Well okay then i may say..

How long do you think it has been okay

To not live our life but merely keep it at bay

Constantly struggling to look the other way

Well i have something important to say

Today we must all think a different way because tomorrow may just bring a better day!

They took something away from me that left a void so deep
I can still see us laughing and tickling your tiny feet
But it seems my child that in this life we where not destined to meet
We would have been so strong us three, together there would be nothing we couldn't defeat

But someone, somewhere said dear child you are to precious for this world to keep
So they gave you wings and now we mourn as away from this world you retreat  

But we shall try not to cry, we shall try not to weep
For you our baby girl, our angel, our beautiful soft and sweet
In our hearts a special place forever there shall be <3 <3 <3

At the end of my rope
losing all hope
trying to live life has become a joke
doing my hardest just to cope
still trying to climb this slippery *****

Where did I go wrong
this lie has gone on to long
its time they hear my song

a song of sorrow of pain and fear
please someone, yes anyone can you lend me an ear?
for I need to let this out my dear …

I fell to hard and way to fast
now all I wish to do is erase my past

For its one filled of grief
And almost no Relief
with a tiny amount of belief

That my baby wouldn’t die
That I wouldn’t have to cry
Or live in constant deny

That my love would stay strong
And we could carry on
To above and great beyond

But our baby she is gone
And the life from me is drawn

As each day goes by I feel us drift some more
Wondering why you have not headed for the door
Why do you stay here? Would you like some more?

Some more of my mental abuse
Some more of you getting used
Some more of you being accused
Or some more of your love being refused

I cant be with you, nor without
In my heart there is much to much doubt
My emotions have hit a drought
And I fear together we may never find a way out.

Don't tell me that its all okay
When I'm barley holding life at bay
Stop telling me not to think that way
And that today is just a really bad day

How could you know the pain i feel
When all i show of me is not real

I regret the life i lead, so fake
When with every smile my heart brakes.