Transient. Just passing through.
Flit from here to            there.
A split second shade you catch
in your periphery.
The kind that has you shaking
your head.
Don't worry, I'm see-through,
I can't affect you.
Go back to your tv show or book or whatever.
I'll contort, distort, crinkle up into radio static
so you can hear me faintly
between commercials...

Born into this,
It's not my fault
Living memories of past events I haven't remembered yet
But others remember them for me,
It's my fault,
Maybe it is
But don't dare say I'm not trying,
To be different than my father,
To make different mistakes,
Life's a game and we've been dealt different hands
But don't pretend it's anything but a game of chance
You're not better for seeing what's there and using it.

It seems as though I'm predisposed towards the frivolity and uncaring nature of my younger self,
And even now that I've "Grown out of it"
My life seems to reflect every decision I've ever made and they were rarely good ones
So here goes to hoping for the future, even though I'm not sure how
Because if I don't I'm scared what may come next
Because life has handed me chance after chance and I'm afraid I've run out of do overs
So pray for my strength
Because I'm desperately clinging to a life given me by the grace of something.
Because there's no other way to explain away the things I've done,
The people I've hurt,
And the idea that anyone could love me anyway boggles my mind
And if you look deep enough I hope you'll find that I don't ever want to be that way
But after years and years of pain it takes time to change,
So please have faith,
For I don't always say the right things,
I don't always remember names,
I don't always think of the important things,
I try,
Lord knows,
I try
I fail,
Everyone knows I have failed,
But even if my efforts aren't enough for everyone it doesn't matter
Even if I'm thrown back out to sea to drown in me
I'll float
Because ******* it I'm better than this,
Because I chose to be
******* it I was alone before I can do it again,
So if you don't wish to see me struggle, if you don't wish to see my pain
Walk away
I can do without the saving grace
For I am a new man, because I ******* say so.

When I look in the mirror I can't see what she see's
I see an ugly combination of all the names I've ever been called,
Like, My head's too large, my teeth too small,
I never smile with my teeth
(Freak)
My ribs show no matter how much I eat,
I look like an alien when I cut my hair too short so I leave it long
(Freak)
He's so skinny, does he even eat?
(Freak)
He just sits there on the playground as far away from everyone as he can possibly get
(Freak)
Why don't you talk?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so much?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so quiet?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so loud?
(Freak)
Why is your head so big?
You some kind of freak?

Lifes not fair and not everybody is scared because not everybody cares,

Let's take what we choose and leave alone the frozen throne I've stood in line behind just to glance at the face of my dead savior one more time,

And it's not okay but being okay might be a feeling I'll feel one day

With a shake and a shiver my lip might quiver but a tear in my eye you won't find

I'm lost with no direction or place to call my own and you can take this shining example of a new start and go shove it up your *** because I don't need it

I don't need it

Life's not fair

And it's about that time of year and time of day where my mind is a place to stay away from
Stear clear of it when you see me on the sidewalk and cross the street to avoid me like I exude the fear I feel inside
What if I can't make it to tomorrow because tomorrow never comes
What if all this false confidence I claim fades away to show my true face and I'm terrified
That I can't love quite right because my love comes from inside and my insides are turned inside out with how I feel right now
And it's the moments where I'm laying in bed and staring at the constant cycle of the blades of my cieling fan wondering a thousand and three different things
Chief umong them being my own ability to cope
I've playing pretend that I'm okay for a few years now when does fake it till you make it kick in
I'm scared of how my life seems to go nowhere at such a terrifying pace I'm wondering
How I'll survive

I fear a great many things,
None so severe as the feeling itself.

But it's a self fulfilling circle of hating myself more then I did yesterday,

And I can't tell if it's anxiety or courage that makes me stay away from any and all who I could bother with my misplaced stumbling and mumbling through what others call conversation.

I never know how long to pause or how long I'm aloud to gather my thoughts,

And words are hard, In the spoken sense because with nearly everyone I meet there's a sense of urgency.

Like we're the last two people in the world and they have somewhere more important to be,
So I let them.

If they want to rush through the vast cosmos of thought then I let them,
I let them walk by and I don't say a word because words are hard
And I'd rather spend time with the abstract concepts that tear like a twister through my mind as if being painfully real and a pleasant fairy tale at the very same time.

And this isn't a puff peace to make you feel something like this person I am is someone to be pittied or looked down on.

Words are hard because I don't quite see the point,

Talk is cheap, it can be found anywhere, it spills from our lips like liquid fools gold,

I'm no fool.

So if poetry is a riddle, is love the key?

Do we subtract sadness?

Take away fear?

What about pain?

In this equation who gains?

Life's a never ending circle of questioning what comes next,

And I'm not sure

Because I've felt a feeling I can't quite keep a hold of,

And it slips from my fingers just as it slips from my mind

And in this crawlspace inside my head I've decided, that we're better off alive.

Despite the pain that grows,

The anger that flows through our veins I still believe that we are at the very least,

Human.

And that is a thing in and of itself, to be able to say that today, I am and therefor will be and therefore always will be because I believe it to be such,

And tomorrow, I think I'll love.

And maybe I'll find a reason to cry,

Or a reason to yell or a reason to scream or day dream.

And maybe, I'll write poetry,

A symphony of constructed thought like I was born into a world where nothing else matters,

And maybe you can too,

Maybe you can believe in things that break you,

Like the things that don't **** me make me strong

The things that I do wrong today I won't do wrong tomorrow,

I hope

And nobody is perfect, and nobody should try to be

But with a language as fluid, and universal as feeling?

Why restrict it to the grandest of all?

Let's get down to brass tacks,

The nitty gritty, let's find the dark spots so that the bright ones seem brighter

Let's fill the room with ***** things so that you don't worry so much about what's under your fingernails.

Let's find out how beautiful beauty can be but first, a little perspective

Let's live through these hard times so we know how much better things can get

Let's find out how many feelings you can feel in just a few short years,

Let's become the people we always dreamt of being, and true change seems to stem only from tragedy,

But let's embrace them,

Because all of these things?

Are what makes you, you.