it's too late to call you, but i stare at your number anyway.
with a picture that no longer looks like you staring back at the dark,
clouded by a fuzzy head and wet eyes.
as i desperately try to tell myself that it's okay to be strangers sometimes.
but i'm lying.
i can't live as a stranger to you. i don't know who that leaves me to be.
i want you to look me in the eye and see me down to my soul so i don't have to embarrass myself by telling you,
because i always sound pathetic out loud.
i want you to know me so i don't have to know myself
i want you to love me so i never have to look my reflection in the eye and feel my insides turn at the sight.
every time that i tap into the sadness it threatens to pour out of me at once.
and i cannot touch the wave that crashes inside my chest for fear that i will splinter,
and everything will fall until it is broken.
and i have nowhere left to hide.
and you will see me.
as i am, anything other than as i am.
i feel like i have been waiting for something for my entire life.
i have been waiting for an okay that will never last
for something to break
something to give
i will be okay.
in some hour of tomorrow who feels so impossibly far from now.
and i will be okay until i am not.
again and again until the cycle comes to me like water
the hardest part of getting better is realising that 'better' is a lie, and working towards it anyway.
but there are times when i want to be alive so much it makes my lungs ache.
so i will carry on for the me who lives in those moments, fleeting as they may feel.
it will pass.
i wrote this in one go while crying. it is not good, but it is a lot.
Where do you go to bare your soul ?
Where and to whom can you speak without editing yourself ?
Without censorship ?
Where can you let the words flow through your lips uninhibited?
Where can you be your true self? Not burdened by expectations.
Where can you let the draw bridge come down ?
Do away with your veil of secrecy
With all your insecurities on full display
Where can you speak your truth ?
Where can one be themselves?
Do you have such a place ?
I need such a space.
I feel like spiders have crawled inside me
and made themselves a home.
I need someone to exterminate my bones
because I currently feel dangerously alone.
I sit in the car and stare out the window.
From a different perspective, I experience other's lives go by.
My mother looks over and asks what I'm thinking about.
Fake smile, "Nothing," I say, trying to ignore my urge to cry.
An unexplained, unnamed emotion.
A misunderstood, ignored emotion.
Misunderstood and ignored.
Adjectives I could use to describe myself.
Never thought about...
I'm all by myself.
"I need someone," I told you.
That was my silent cry for help.
"That was rude, you know I'm here for you,"
you told me.
you misunderstood me.
I need someone to need me.
I'm sorry it doesn't all rhyme. I didn't know how to rhyme what I was screaming.
You dug your own grave.
Now you're upset because it's
Too deep to get out.
Flowered walls and pictures with scenes
of young girls
Only dressed to be seen.
A record player and a too large bed
A lonely girl who was lost in her head
She was waiting
For a savior
And not the Jesus that her father gave her..
Her religion became
Anything that could take her away
From those four walls.
From the nothing
Like a shell
And bus isles
That were her home
Who was all alone.
There was no one and nothing to find.
The thing that she looked for
Was only in her mind.
Have you felt the spaces between seconds
In the daytime?
Have you touched the shadows
In your bed?
Have you noticed the silence
On the inside?
Can you tell stories of the battles
In your head?
Are you haunted by ghosts
Of passing time?
Have you had thoughts that run
But don't end?
Do you have keys to the exits
Of your mind?
Or are you trapped in dark corners
With no friend?
There are lies that you tell
That you're fine.
There are bruises that heal
But don't mend.
There is a sadness in you
You can't hide.
There is a question you ask
"Will it end?"
I can't tell you in life
What you'll find.
I can't tell you if it
Will soon end.
But I know that in life
There is sunshine.
And I hope you will find it
Leaves change colors
Drop to earth
Snow on a mountain
And Life goes on
— The End —