I'm leaving my heater on
tonight and it's all your
fault, see, cause
I haven't adjusted to how cold it is
without you here and I
keep shivering. You're
a better heater than
this machine. I need
the noise, too, the whirr
and hum, because it's
raining and I can't stand
the rain outside my window without
thinking about you. "*******
listen" you would whisper
and fling open the window
and pause the movie
and kiss me and I want
that again I want
you again I want
you to be back I don't
want this empty bed or
whirring heater, neither
give off as much warmth or
make as nice noises
as when you kiss me.

(this poem might be
pointless but I guess
what I'm trying to say is
thank you)

Sometimes, when you are away
I can feel myself shrinking inside.
I don't want it to happen.
I don't like it, or what it means about me.
But it continues anyway.
It's this.... feeling.
Like a flower languishing in a dark closet.
And I hate it.
I don't want to write about it.
I don't want to think about it.
I just want to go to sleep
And only wake up when you're back.
And how useful is that?
But today I slept
18 hours
And I wish I was
Asleep again
And this is why I am hard to love.
I know you being away is not the only reason I feel like this.
I know I feel like this
Because my brain is full of chemicals
Making connections
Which my mind tries to explain.
But on days like this
Days like this that stretch into weeks like this
(Please, not months?)
I reach for you and I wither inside when you are far away
Busy
Distracted
Out
Gone.
Sometimes when you're back
It feels like you're still not
Back.
And so I don't push anymore, on days like this.
But I'm the same person who cried over Skype to you
At Christmastime
Because I needed you to reassure me that you loved me.
It has been so long
And you will get tired of it
And I will still need it.
I still need it.
I still need you.
On days like this I don't tell you anymore
Because you're always so busy
And because I can never tell,
So far away,
If you are going through the motions of loving me.
I let you stay away without telling you it hurts because it would hurt more if you pretended to be here
And maybe that's how it would be, you know?
Maybe you'd be calling it in, talking to me because I begged you to.
And there's never a good time to fall apart on you.
There's never a good time to say that for months I've been feeling sadder and sadder, feeling you slip away because
You feel secure
But you have to know, someday I have to tell you
I don't know what safe means.
And I'm always afraid. It will take
So many years
For me not to be afraid.
And it's not your fault
And it's so much to ask,
But I need you to be here.
And I just...
I wither
When you're not.

I wanna say
Marry me, you're the one.
I wanna say
I sit up nights missing you.
I wanna say
You make me smile on my worst days, and you don't even know it.
I wanna say
When you're not around for a while I can feel a part of me start to ache.
I wanna say
I don't mind if you get angry about "dumb stuff"
I wanna say
I wish I didn't feel sad when you go out with your friends instead of saying good night.
I wanna say
Thank you for being kind to me when I'm scared and miserable.
I wanna say
I'm glad you're on my skin forever, whether you stay by my side forever or not.
I wanna say
Half of me isn't sad when you're away, and I can't tell if it is trust in you or something else, and it scares me but it also gives me hope.
I wanna say
Please be patient with me, like you've been. I am used to being left and forgotten. I am used to being pushed aside.
I wanna say
Maybe years will undo that. Years with you.
I wanna say
When I am away from you, it is because I have been torn away by my life, and I will always, always come back, as long as you want me to.
I wanna say
If you ever forget me, I forgive you.
I wanna say
When I am lonely like I am right now, it isn't your fault, even when you can fix it.
I wanna say
I feel like I can't ask you to come back because you haven't left, and I feel like I can't ask you to talk more because I couldn't talk for so long when I was busy, but when you're away like this it starts to feel like you don't exist.
I wanna say
In those moments at 3 am when I wonder if you DO exist, that even then you are the best dream I ever had.
I wanna say
I don't know how to speak when I'm not suffering. And I'm not. I'm not even sad. I'm just waiting.
I wanna say
You're worth waiting for.
I wanna say
It's so much easier in person, when I can show you I love you with a touch and feel that you love me when you look at me.
I wanna say I never have doubts like this when we're together.
I wanna say
Just because I worry doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
I wanna say
I just ******* MISS you.
I wanna say
I'd give anything to have you asleep beside me right now, instead of thousands of miles away.

Remember that one time when I asked you if you remembered what happened way back when?
I forget what your answer was then,
but I remember how much it meant to me to be reminiscing with the Queen of Forgetting.

Remember when you used to care about memories?

And we went careening down streets while screaming in a mix of anxiety and exhilaration.
Each day blending with the next; driving past every chance we had to turn back,
living as if we were on a never-ending vacation.

Remember when you used to have fun? When fun was number one and everything else was boring?

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And when the Duchess of puking tried to kiss the Archduke of Douches.
Our toes a familiar sight while seeing double.
How we used to recite unrecyclable verses while climbing into the back seats of hearses.

Remember when we used to actually talk about things? No, not like this. I mean, passionately. Remember when we used to get so heated about a topic that we'd practically be screaming at each other?

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And swinging through trees that we'd climbed against better judgement;
passing under streetlights that painted haloes around our dark heads.

Remember when you used to laugh in a way that didn't sound frantic? When your grin didn't look so much like a grimace?

And going to public places in broad daylight just to read the faces of those who couldn't see beyond their own noses?

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And looking at our toes and hitting pavement but then bouncing up again to get caught in the hurricane of everyones' perceptions of what was happening

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Remember when you used to make genuine human connections with other people?

just to find ourselves in the Eye of the Storm, staring at each other, grinning in a way that isn't frightened or frightening;
Laughing in the way that isn't desperate or forced, but hearing it get warped by the howl of wind surrounding us.

Remember

How to

Wind that's closing in.

I have nothing.
I fell like I am nothing,
but I'm not.
God how I wish I was.
I wouldn't take up so much space:
FAT
I wouldn't be a burden:
DEPRESSED
I wouldn't be so distant, so needy:
BORDERLINE
I would just be a memory.
A sad, dark, empty, lonely,
Memory.
I could save you all from this,
From the pain of knowing me.
Loving me.
Hating me.
And it'd be fine.

One second is all it takes to say "I love you."
One second will be all it'll take to say "goodbye forever"
One second of
"Here we go again"
Before,
"She left us too soon."

Rain soaks the ceiling
Falls into the air like crashing jets
Black red white

Smoke collapses
Children break their teeth
The earth screams

They touch their tongues
It’s a sign of affection
Like oil
Or maybe kerosene
Some time later
The streets cover with ash

I try to speak

the river is
drinking it
sequins
blankets
the river runs past
hobos
unidentified
water fowl
two trolls
taking shelter under
the bridge
there’s conversation
in another language
fiendish brains connecting
fiendish yet
beautiful
thunder
tampons
a turtle
a naked boy
on the patio
rain
definitely
rain
unmatched
and the steam
coming from the
bridge
once there was a troll
on my face
and I swatted it
with a broom
but it came back
it came back
with you
laughter pounds
with the rain
laughter that wears
emotion like
skin
soft
elastic
still pink
bouncing
on the river’s surface
breaking
absorbed
sustenance for
the trolls
like fiends with faces
like minds with names
these two connect
with spark
and the rain
falls
the stillness under
nature’s
machinery