a flower came from your mouth
i ate it without permission. sorry
my body becomes the evidence
that i will hide forever. you were soft
i wish i broke you

your flower died when i munched it
sour, moist, bitter, a bit salty
my tongue & my eyes
both teary and red

help me. i have been poisoned
by my own goodwill

i just wanted to taste the soft petals
why should it come with thorns, my own
blood, despair, defeat
death you don't care about
who are we against? i don't remember

does that make me the murdered or the murderer
if no one dies at this scene
who will come to my funeral
who will regret not idealizing me a little longer
does any of this ever make you sane?

i almost had it. freedom
turns out my sanity
isn't even worth that much
remind me again why i am here
remind me again why i am here
remind me again why i am here
remind me again why
i am here

my body is a hole
that is yet to be
carved
out
into your eyes i want to be ****** in
your palms and my sharp edges
can i make you bleed
can i make a mold for you
out of
my pain, my pain, my pain
i'm completely in
covered in flesh
come be my adipose
i'll empty you
out
skin be poked
from within
and giggles, bleak dimples
moon-eyed
the face is the outer space
dark. suffocating.
a graveyard of dead stars.
can we be bigger than what we are
can we suddenly stop to appear
hide
it's rampage
everywhere
i'm melting coming back frozen contaminated.
there's no fixing it

i smell like diet pills i might've
gone to therapy and lie, she said
i was doing great. everyone says that
but my parents   are me. i'd rather
chug mcdonald's cola and forget
the taste of *****. i miss
my parking lot. i miss
staining the car seat

my father says i am going bald
i say you haven't seen the most of it

let's see how this turns out
i dissociate my way
to the future. no one knows why
i'm crying. no one knows i'm crying
i can't stuff a vacuum
i can't let bleed a dried out
i can't breathe  my mouth is bad

who knows there are things
worse than suicide -- i do
and i'm doing it
because no one is letting me die
everyone is so ******* selfish
why can't i be?
my life has gotten significantly worse
since eight years ago
the thoughts of killing myself
has always been my only solace

i'm so sorry that you don't matter
nothing you say or do
would ever soothe me
you can stop me
truth is, you're the one who stop me
over  and over
again. what atrocity
to drag one no longer fit for living
hope  isn't a morphine
it's just a playground
for adults who had unhappy
childhood

the world is spinning
footsteps
people keep breeding
making money, spending
getting a job, dressing up for the boss
trying not to get *****, get ***** anyway
losing weight, gaining a tenfold
changing mirrors
dropping out of school
never leaving home
trying to escape the hands
always got caught by the eye
the walls are covered with ears
there's nowhere to run to
i'll always be found out
as if i did a some kind of grave crime

if your body is a home
who would make it a hotel room
look at you and think:
cheap enough. pretty clean
sleep on you and think:
tomorrow i'm leaving
if your body is a home
who would make it a playground
come to you to play,
get tired and think:
fun enough, but it's getting dark
i gotta go
if your body is a home
once lively, with a garden of blooming flowers and home-cooked meals
who would make it a haunted house
who would cut the power at night
who would make it a ****** scene
if your body is a home
who would make it impossible to live in

hey, aren't you well?
staying ill in this weather
won't take you anywhere,
bruising heart into cracked walls
and damp groin
i see your hair is falling out again
collecting grease
shedding scalp
i said i loved you, i did.
what are we anymore, we used to
collect each tear drops
call them different names
i forgot what your face looked like
when i see you
        how can i be sorry,
how can i

there are beautiful things in this world
one of them was being with you,
painting the blanket of the earth
mint green, lavender, sky blue
-- aching red burst
and now i can't see   any of it
we were vast, transcending galaxies
like something immense was on the way
but it got caught and dried and hung
like a head with horns
like a head    with fangs
like a head, trophy that says, defeat

if i were to find you
would you let me hold you
carry you
tend you
would you like to take the time
to heal?
in my chest. in my arms. would
you let me build for you  a mending place?
or would you tell me off
tell me: pretend
not to hear your screech
not to get your hurt
would you ask me to look past it
like you did
before

what am i going to do with you?
i can't love you if you aren't here
i can't find you if you disappear

what am i going to do without you?

i cant give up my heat
to what i really need
arent i   just like
my mother? clumsily
birthed a child, again,
and another, tearing
a *** hole, bleeding
lifetimes, swallowing
salt with a mouth like wound. i
wish i never hurt i
an apple tree
blossomed
carrying entrails
like knowledge
i devour, an eater
fell in love
with  famine. arent i
just like   my mother?
a lady, sword  on her hand
scale ingrained on her heart
covers her eyes, but never
forgets to count. how many years
do i have left?
outlive me, or rather
i'll let you
have my youth.

I will not bleed but internally
A song that seeps into me
Celebration of misery, I will not leave
Day by day, like wild grasses, like a downpour
Wind-woven, my rooted free spirit, my primal
Lover, I owe you a favor
A cleft in our head instead of our chest
I'll forgive, let you mend, just
Stay close to me and I'll stay
I'll stay close, I'll stay

for me, it has always been
an ocean, a sea, a body of
salty water. for me, it does
not matter if it's just a little
a little wave is shaking my entire being
imagine i
have to stand tall in a surfer's board, i
am drowning. i am drowning
can't save myself

so funny how i feel so small
with such a large body
how i feel powerless with
such a strong hip
how i feel empty with
out a gap between my thigh

s

for me, it has always been
the ocean, the sea, the body
of salty water. i want to wear
so little and show all skin. i
want to be seen. i want to
be all skeleton and float like a lifesaver.
but i
drown
i drown
i keep drown
ing. i drown. i am drown. drown

dear nurses
dress me
in a hospital
gown, i want
to admit
myself to a
cold cleanliness
hygiene in the air
filling my lungs
fine,fine,fine
i'm floating on the bed
it's so bright here
i'm gonna lay forever

dear nurses feed me
meals as bland as eyes
when i see
colorful
i get bored
just watching
them, so lively
i don't have anyone to
talk to

it's amazing how
different
each voice
becomes an identity
i wanna hear too
mine,but i don't
have anyone to
talk to

dear nurses
draw my blood
tell me what is
wrong with me
dear nurses change my
underwear
sorry i dirtied
the bed sheets
dear nurses i
dear nurses why
dear nurses take me
to the garden
downstairs
i'm getting bored
just breathing
so much work
tiring
no wonder i
don't have anyone
to talk to

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
warmth so overwhelming it hurts
burn so severe it eliminates everything else

i want to forget this body, this lonely
that unlawfully resides within me
in raging eternal flames, that's how
i want to be forgotten
i want to become ashes, rise again
only to burn to death again
that's how i want to forget
what it's like to have skin and bones
what it's like to disguise the skeleton with fat and cellulites

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
yet all i do is hoarding, gorging, overindulging
in this cold room of a landfill, as a lifestyle
but also no, i don't live like this
i don't live at all

i want to prove the world wrong
i want to nullify your religion
i want you to know the absolute truth

i want to burn, because coldness
is how i know hell. i want to break,
because my whole is how
i become hell

hell is all in my head
hell is all over my body
hell is penetrating my every pores
because it's gaping wide, asking for it
asking to be filled, asking for anything
asking for enlargement, asking to reduce themselves
asking to perish, forcefully, painfully, then all at once

i will walk through your door and play it cool
i will tell you i'm hurting but you can't find where
i will cry, but words fail to explain

i swear i want to say something but shame prevents me

i will walk through your door, through mine
i will lock myself up so no one can touch me ever again
i will let shame smother me and it's alright because no one will see or hear

i want to be witnessed, at least they'll see how hard i try

i am dying here, all i let out is a cry for help
it's painful and i don't know what is wrong with me
i know something is broken within but sure it's beyond any fix

when you say i don't need you should've said you can't help me

say something but shame prevents
i want to say something but shame prevents me

id rather have they caught me crying
than eating
in my car, broad daylight, at the jam-packed parking lot
i think i shoulda expected
maybe im just asking for it

no, im craving

for this hellhole id do anything
why would i want to escape
when all i do is chasing?

this body again, i ask
if they have more hatred for me
ive used mine up
my glass is broken but at least its full
many thanks to the world

i know no time
for me its always the same
over and over again

if i had different body would i be wanted?
if i had different mind would i be adored?
if my hands werent my own would you take it?

some days i wake up dying
the rest i dont
why am i still alive, it doesnt make sense
i hope youll understand
but no
no
i didnt say no

there's this chaos inside my chest
i've been astray from peace before
tonight marks the initial
there's this space i would like to fill
this line i would like to cross

i've been building emotional dam
i couldn't care less
whether it breaks or no

all my life i've been away from light
every sorrow, each void that follows
it always feels like the first time

leave me hanging
questions i don't even know is allowed
every epiphany a shooting star
it dies so soon
so soon
the hope is intellectually hopeless

i've been trying to sing the siren's lament
my throat chokes on my vocal cord
beauty
is in the eye of the beholder
but i've got none by my side
i've got none to witness my fight

i want to bleed out all the sadness
until my ****** runs out of color
and becomes clear again

i want to scrub myself like a bathroom floor
hard and rough
until all the dirt comes off
so maybe, even just for a few days,
yeah maybe i could shine

or i shouldn't shower
wait for some weeks
won't even ****
i don't want my bathroom get *****
if i have to **** i will **** on my hands
and carefully put it in the trash bin
for my landlady's turkey to eat

how i wish i could just throw away
all these dishes
and not be found out

i want the time to stop so i can rest awhile
and not just procrastinate
i want to really rest
like an unpopular mountain, like an unknown lake
i want it to be very still and silent i can hear my own blood rushing

but what if i have diarrhea
and can't **** so neatly like i always did
what if it's been a week and it won't stop
and it won't even get me skinny

i'm so homesick i order a hainanese rice
i'm so homesick i don't want to not sleep even though it's the finals week
i'm so homesick i want to drop out of school
i'm so homesick everything becomes empty and hurts

i've been collecting empty beer cans because i don't want my landlady to tell my mother that i drink

i want to dry myself in the sun but
i can't
even get out of bed to turn
on the light
don't open the window and take a nap
it's the rainy season

after the movie
we walked side by side
you reached for my hand
and asked, "why's your hand so cold?"
i got nervous around you
and i want to kiss you, but instead
of telling you that
i said, "i just washed my hands"

you chuckled
and it felt like
a smile emoji :)

you held my hand
tight enough to make me dizzy
and warm
but not long enough
to mean anything more

that night
you got a cold
i think you caught the fever
that should've been mine
but of course, it's a secret
i can't possibly tell you

but if only you let me
i will take you
to the doctor
and i will
watch you heal
because i want to
watch you heal

i am crawling to the third floor and there it is, your room
i wanted to be pure, i wanted innocent
i am melting beneath your palms like a bar of white chocolate
you know right, white looks good on you

i'm dreaming of your lips except when i'm with you
it's your eyes:
an abyss, but wholesome
i can only hold your hand and i already know how soft you are

are you gonna touch me like i am precious?
one brush and i already am so powerful
i don't want to tell you this, but
if only we dared, there'd be nothing i can't do

my body, once again, got in the way

of all the softness i can hold in my hands
this is what i seek the most

height, broken neck
i want to hit the water and be embraced
by all the cold, the harmful liquid
damage me more so i can't look at the mirror anymore

my body. it got in the way

of all the softness that i can hold in my hands
won't you stop by and say hi sometime?

this is worthless, for me to leave
i don't cut my hair, nothing has changed

i've been longing for the moment that i'm
finally neutralized

drink me like milk, i want to flow
through your tunnels
warm, smooth, and fatty
i want to find what's on the other side

i held my breath, but it's pointless
no one cares if i'm breathing anyway
see my body once again it got in the way

come, all the softness that i can hold in my hands
come, my forlorn hosanna
come to my throat and i'll drink you like milk

how dare you not have mint chocolate chip available on my birthday, do you know how many years i and my mother
wait
to have the mint chocolate chip ice cream of our life? answer me, baskin robbins

although i know her eating such sweet flavor is only a figment
i can't wish on my birthday candle
the only birthday candle i got
was from a sushi joint
mother, i didn't get a single present
not even now, not even tomorrow
i'm going to
the future with my boyfriend
he's called dean, also god, also gpa

all i want is to die
my boyfriend's real name is diploma
i wonder
if i'd ever want to date a boy
all i want is to die

answer me, baskin robbins
do you also want me to die? you've known me
for all my life
i don't remember
i don't remember
the joy of being born
mother, did i laugh when i escaped your womb? did i even smile?
you must've been aware of that
right
i want to go to a baskin robbins outlet where they have mint chocolate chip

when the throat is dry
it goes all the way to the brain
and when it shrinks it disrupts
the skull and the muscles
so i'd rather have my neck
cut off, my head plucked off

but why do i feel like
my guts will come off too?
probably for the better
if it's physically empty
we don't have to worry what to fill it with
(grapes and white bread
doesn't fill as good)

i should probably sleep
in my sleep chopping my hair off
sorry
if all i think about is sharp objects
i don't know, perhaps
i'm just worried
the scars won't fade

(missing)
even the best memories fade
what is this, birthmark?
i want to get my heart done
please, make it stop

I went missing; there's a
Forest in my head
Wandering through
River, sand, mountain
I see you once in a while

i keep coming back to the hospital
the red beam on my skin
cold hands, everywhere is clean
and i am not sick. not anymore
not ever again

a white ray of light is carrying me
the road leads an empty flesh
the road swallows whatever's inside
i've become hollow even before- and now
i creak open
trying to stuff myself with what doesn't belong

this is a house. this, a hospital
i didn't pay my rent, so i came from the back
i keep coming back to the hospital
my feet, my head, my soul
only the heartbeat is steady. like the earth

that is the sun. that, what shouldn't burn

nurture me, nurses. smile at me like ever
gently feel the fabric of my clothes, doctor
tell me to eat. tell me to rest
tell me to do everything i shouldn't do

isn't that so naughty? to eat? to rest?
i wonder
i keep
i keep wanting to

this, a forever. this is the hallway

I've stopped being beautiful quite a long time ago. Mirrors and selfies do not tell the truth; I actually like what I see. Little did I know the ugliness reeks from the blind spots and I shamelessly think it's the world who's at fault.

Forgive me, daughter, for I have sinned.

All I want to hear is an apology. I lift my chin and walk past the mother, idle as a bystander. I am a child bird, my beak is tired from breaking the shell. I wish I didn't have these wings. The nest is uncomfortable, I just want to touch the ground.

I have two feet. One thigh.

Ocean is my ancient dream. But all I got to taste was cold aloe vera. Hint of sweetness, eternal like a dentist's craft. I can't feel pain, so it must be joy, but why am I crying?

We got tired of the cries, the tears, the traces. It's boring, just like an authoritarian news. I don't think there's more to it. What you see is what you get.

I hide everything I can. I mask what I can't. That way, I'm never left with nothing. I hope so. I am so hopeful. I must be cured.

I fill my water bottle with starlight, but when it touches my mouth it takes away the wetness. My lips crack and I can no longer talk. I nod at the earth, and she empathizes.

A thing I can never do. My fingers still long for the colorful helium balloons. How many of it to make me float? I want to explode right on my peak. Cry for me, strangers. I want to hurt you in ways I've never imagined before.

this is not my ancient dream
i don't wanna be ok, momma
stray me in space, scatter me like stars
forget me
write me in an astronomy book
forget me
call me by a number
and it's never one, or two, or three

the only way i smell is like curry roux
it's past midnight and i want to go
home
it's never a place i can reach
not by foot, not by plane
i've run out of things to say
so i'll do it so i can speak louder

forget me
define me by homesickness
i fit in a box named silence
sometimes i think i'm a rabbit
white fur, red eyes
sometimes active, sometimes dead
either time the life isn't mine

it's easy to reach out for help
and there are open hands
hanging from the sky
powerless, full of themselves
not much space for me, never

i count them by color, they are all red

guilt-trip myself, that's what i do
when i have spare time

instead i make origami cranes
pink and blue for the babies
green, for the envy
red for the heart

and i fill blank pages with emptiness
stainless ink, just like my feet
i try not to be shameful
and stay quiet like a spider

these silvers are rotting
when we eat we chew our own hands
gulping down everything
that has touched the palms

once was warm
twice stayed forever
everytime i look back i shiver
figuratively, because i have no body

there are things you do not own
but, still, you hold them dear

i can feel the pain this body is having
can it feel mine?
sometimes i wonder when we'll be able to rest
laying on the wet grass, giggling with the crickets
let the rain feel us as we break into a field of wildflowers

I keep thinking i haven't washed my hair
My head seems to not be able to forget the grease
Maybe deep down i just want it to stay
(I washed my hair this morning
In the sink)

I keep thinking i'm doing great
That's what my therapist said too
But sometimes i wish i was dying more visibly
Sometimes i wish i made more signs
Sometimes i wish i hadn't gotten better

I don't want to stop
I want to want to stop
I don't want to stop

What?
I got nothing to show you
I got none to tell you

Remission is a weird state
Everything partial makes me uncomfortable
I just want to cling to whatever i had
Don't ****** away my ghosts
Don't ****** away
They come back anyway
Befriending me again

mister, i have to say this
not to your face, just to get out
what was a medicine
now a poison

it's the longing, mister
that you fake, that i accept
because everytime we try to touch
we both disappear to each other

don't you notice?
you've been alive way longer
than me, mister

just
this is where i **** up:
i thought you were perfect

xix. but if i were to die by my own hands (my honest dying note would probably mention my uni life) would he turn a blind eye like he always does or would he erase me as if i was never there? i'll never know because i wont die just because i want to. i'll never know, of course, because i'll live and graduate and i'll be the one who forgets him, not vice versa

the only reason im here is to run away & i failed, so i keep seeking for ways to flee, i keep fighting my own shadow. why would anyone study their soul out just to get into the so called best uni in the country that is far away from their home, i wonder as well. my intention was not to study, i wanted to die. im breathing fine. sometimes i get too excited it's so uncomfortable & when i fall it's a dry and dusty abandoned well, you know that my vision stays in the ground. doesnt the soil look lovely, i wonder as well.

the only reason im here is because i am alive, i dont know why it is so obvious to other people yet it's an epiphany to me. i shouldnt be alive today. i shouldnt have survived 2014, let alone 2015 & 2016. it's almost may and now i start to think how nice it will be to be old and have more space for peace rather than keeping chaos as a pet.

this is embarrassing, sure, but sometimes i think i need to feel embarrassed. do you get what i mean, because i kinda dont. anyway, if this is something i can be proud of, i'll without any doubt brag to my parents and post it all over my social media. ive never liked bragging online, but if it's so good i'll think so hard of why not and still not get any good answer. it's a curse for vain people to get trapped inside a body with low self esteem. (fact)

maybe i made a mistake when i entered this uni. all i could think of was death, i didn't think i would be alive until halfway to graduation. now i dont worry about when i'll be able to die anymore, i just worry about when i'll be able to properly study just like the student i used to be. i just worry if i can graduate on time, i just worry if i can graduate with honor. how naive this kid is, i hope she remembers how she totally ruined her grades last semester. (no i dont mean thats the right pronoun i just go with the flow)

there is no flow, of course. why am i saying these things on a poetry website rather than on my rant blog, i wonder as well. i worry about the future & now all the pictures have me in them. i have many regrets about the past but they are a part of what makes me myself. (certainly not a claim that i have a clear sense of self) as for the present, i dont really like being here. i still feel like it will feel so great to not exist at all. but im breathing in anticipation. is it believable, my looking forward to the future, i wonder as well.

let's never leave the bed, not even for a bit
you can stay here forever, you'll be amazed
by how much you can do, horizontally
nothing poetic, only tragedy is expected
here, for a very very long time
that's what we've been longing for, isn't it?
i owe you much, my friend!
just this one more thing, my friend!
could you do it for me? could you do it for us?
could you please
stay
stay in the bed.

carrying a bridge, i
put myself between
you
r uncountable

thighs. i have one, sometimes
hating itself it wants to be
split in two, sometimes
it wants to have a hole, a room
to peer through

she is my only friend, but
she costs more than my worth

(if this was about the scale,
i broke it already)
sometimes i feel old, not cold
when the temperature drops
i stick my tongue out
and warm myself
from
with
in

(if this was about my grades,
it should've ended
before it even started)

this, a figure
i failed
a long time ago:
a child, a daughter
a face, a friend
a student, a spoiled rich brat
each one has become a stranger
fast
and sharp, right where i want
the hole gone.

i sit in the parking lot
longer than at class
i eat in my car more
than anywhere

the answer sheet is not mine, mister
it's hers
always

one breath is too loud
decades spent with ears covered
blocking all the noise

is this liquid? i ask
myself because there's no one else
in this room i fall in love with indulgences
never falling out again
i'm a loyal lover of unhealthy desires
if you can call it desire
then i can call myself a lover
of anything that goes through my throat
in and out, in and out
i ask, is this liquid? the bed sheet
is white, translucent at the part
where i lay myself
dry

the dispenser is out of water & i'm
going to die of dehydration

no kidding. i've really thought about it
and considered it as a way out,
but the pain is unnecessary

so i decided to cross it out.
that's an ancient game already
i've forgotten all the rules.

Get me out
of this pool
of pain and loneliness
I made up
a place as tight as my chest
with walls as high as the sky
I forgot how to swim
and water keeps filling my lungs
I forgot how to get up
drowning in the shallow water
thinking of a lifesaver
I made up
my own muscles and joints
my own breathing
I made up the pool. The swimmer
Get me out

this is a cry
this is a cry
this is a cry
this is a

parking lot. that is how big this world is. a sad space between the trees, east to a canteen, west to a badminton field. head south, there's a toilet. the way out is in the north.

we are full of cold cars and stranger's sweat. we are full of leaves, branches, fruits that fall anonymously. of raindrops, of muds that stain our clean white shoes. we are full.

come, wind. come and break the trees. come so they can wreck us into scraps.

it is no harm to the living. roots keep them alive. what does that make a human? people are abandoned, fences are mistaken as a protection. the lonely bridge. the raging river. the subject. the unidentified. everything is now an object to the eye

and it wrenches our emotion until we give them all up, of course, until we've got nothing left, of course, until breathing is solved and the lungs unravel

listen
this has been a cry all along

you exhaust me
in the morning
where sunlit  window is in
terrible           defense

empathy is      an open house
come on in,     patients
you've got       the front door
as sicknesses   seep to me

where
where is a friend in distress of mine?
so many people. none to love.
a body is unnecessary
don't you think? skin, flesh, bone are
too far a distance
so many interactions. none to connect to.
why would i isolate myself? that
just comes as natural
as a textbook

lover, you were seen
in the dark, galloping
toward an ending

lover, you and i
were a parrot, in the future
are AI. these lives
spiraling

down
down the consciousness
up the skies, i've seen blue
you might say, lover i've
seen it all

father, father
as you sniffed
i smelled like you

father, father
my creator
a rusty anchor

father, father
as you drift
further, further

let's skip lunch & get this over with
a little dance of a growing flower
one  at a time,  bland  & ignorant
girls tiptoeing, girls daydreaming
the corridor gives us chills
white, green, white,  green
for fear spellbinds,  we resist
will this be enough?

we never broke the walls
we found the door & it was open
w     i     d     e.  rather wide, so "off we
go"?  where? where?
the fountain behind the library
*                          *was beautiful, sister
sure,      it was

*
1. i shall put an end
2. to a tooth, two teeth
3. jeweled with pink
4.
5. a mouth is no more
6. than another tunnel
7.
8. the tongue is relaxed
9. and dry
0. go on, bite
1. as pain greets
2. and lives

what blessing i
ve never been to
this place
o creaking bone
i meticulously cultivate wrinkles on my face
please consider killing me sometime
there are so much ways
cruel
cruel
cruel
have a knife, knives
knead me with piping asphalt
i am sheltered
i've always been
wanting
desiring
craving
to lose
to lose
to lose

i'm just like a baby
and i put this (synthetic) leather jacket on
dreaming of fluffy blanket
i'm sick with a tooth
some days i pray with eyes open
my hands are neverending
i crave a body
and instant noodles
please hug me. warmth is not
all i ask

waters, i found salt
liquid, running through
i can meet you here
i guess
i shouted you goodbye
diving my way to the bed
i shouted you goodbye
soaking my lungs in tides

ocean, i like swimming
biting stream, harmless
bloat my body here
i become one
with loneliness
skinship me like no one else
peeling the skin
of the earth

body, this is me
did you call? now i am here
body, this is me
i've watched you for some time
i've observed and taken notes
i've hated you, body
i've accepted you
i've blamed you

i shouted you goodbye
silly
all you did
dragging me back
i shouted you goodbye
silly
i've loved you, body
only you confuse me at times

did you hear?
you only listened
to the ears
what did you say about me?
i was not worth
the cubicle
so you hid me
in a cabinet

I am heartbroken.
My breath is lagging it seems
I can't continue

O insanity, how i long for you
Swamped cityscape, a hometown
Knee-deep but it's drowning
My lungs take on my own blood
I choke. I choke and i want more
High building pressure
Everyone wants to jump just to have fun
O insanity, where have you gone?
I have soft scars on my hand
I have open wounds inside
Where, where have you gone?
I am left with artificial sweetener
I am left with cold dinner
My own hands are the pass
to an escape
to immense maze
I don't use them they use me

please
invite me
to the nearest
public bathroom
where it smells like
when you put your hand
on my right cheek
and we
kissed
and kissed
and kissed
with our mcdonald's
tongues

boy you were
literally
everything i
needed

i could go on
forever
until you made
vomitting sound
which i
didn't

it was dawn
we were warm
you left me
but you were the one
who cried

a body was where i used to live
knees bruised colors of prayers
kind purple warm green blood flow
dear crimson my old friend


unsex me
an empty shell

longhaired, honeyvoiced
husky alto is the voice of
an angel, deep and moist
***** buzz like a bee

Away from my lungs I think it's good
that I haven't cried in front of my mom
and have had no time to shed tears for men.
Away from alveoli my blood just can't
take me anymore I breathe and it feels
different from what it's supposed to be.
I remember about everything and decide
to close it forever away from words and images
I think it's good that I can't talk anymore.
This throat is happy enough I'm not
trying to spoil the joy but I want truth
and at the same time lies.
Away from memories and thoughts I think
this is better than drowning even though
I used to be a deep sea creature.

lemon juice, the moon's blood
her diaphragm cut open
I thirst