It's a whimper
It's a pain
    In my stomach
     In my brain
It's a lung full of air
I don't want to breathe.
Watch, Watch. See what it does to me
It's a drumbeat (not my heart)
Tap-tap-tapped out on my thigh
Eyes glazed and staring
Fixed, unblinking, into space
Hands shaking unable to
Stay still
Teeth digging into chapped lips
Hoping to peel the skin
Nails leaving crescent marks on
Palms on
Arms on
Face on
Neck
Teeth grinding to
Cover the noise
The yelling
The crying cover your ears and it doesn't help
Brain overloaded woth
Facts and thoughts and
Memories: themoonshiningbrightasthesunhandsbleachedwhiteundertheglareasyous­truggletospeaktoformwordsorcoherentthoughtsuntilyoucan finally breathe again
Deep breaths calm down
Bucket-fulls of air burning your lungs
Eyes rolling in their sockets
Blinking away tears
The mind goes blank
Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup
Wake up to
Patterns decorating
Your naked body
Marked with old scars and
Fresh blood
And you are finally calm

When somebody asked me what superpower I would like to have
I had to think.

Maybe......healing powers so I could jump off of a tall building and make you watch
I wouldn't tell you that I would live
So that you feel the pain I would feel if you did the same thing

Maybe.....knowing everything so I can know just what to say when you are falling into the dark.
So I can know what will help you

Maybe......flight so I can catch you when you fall
And fly you up to the clouds

Maybe......time travel so I could go back in time and tell you not to go down the path that will tear you apart
So I could take you forward in time to show you that everything will be okay

Maybe......the ability to take anybody's pain and make it my own
So I could take all your pain away from you
So you could sleep at night
So you could smile all the time

I would do all that even if it killed me
So please know that even tho I can't do those things I'm still here for you

My voice soft as I comfort her...
Everything will be okay.
My little sister nods and dries her tears...
Heard broken by the mean words of a friend.

All will be fine

All will be fine...
I have told her that so often.
Yet I didn't believe that for my future.
I can't even picture my future.

When will all be fine?

Something sad on tv.
My mom is clearly upset.
I give her a hug and a smile.
I am sad to but didn't pay attention to the tv.

I lie to her...
All is fine

Yes dad I know you are mad.
And I have no reason to cry.
I am sorry.
I live a happy life and yet I cry.

A happy life?

Sure I live a happy life.
A good life.
I have everything.
Yet I feel a lack of happiness.

I am so sad and depressed.

But when one asks.
I lie.
I don't want to hurt them.
I don't want to worry them.

I lie.

I try to protect others from getting hurt.
Like when they know I am in pain,
They will have to endure it too.
So I lie.

I have a good life.

I just want to die.
But I never say.
I always lie.
I am okay.
I am fine.

I am simply living a lie.

I am falling...
deep
...into the darkness...
I can't see a thing
...of my own mind.
there is no light

Am I insane?
Save me please

I am falling
*deep into the darkness