Why eat
When it will just rot
Inside of me
Feed the maggots already feeding
On all of the rotten feelings

I want to break my hand
That already may be broke
So maybe just break it further
Break it until all thats left
Is an appendage hanging limp
Is that a hand?
I can't tell
My brain demands

I want to
Claw
Beg
Scream
Bite
Drag you back here
Into this dark place
With me
So that you can brighten it
Back up
Being me back into reality
But I fear I'd steal all the light
You have to give
And leave you
In darkness

I want to lay in the grass
In the middle of a forest
And never move
While I slowly
Rot
Decay
And become soil
For the earth
Until I'm nothing
But a pile of bones
And then maybe I could get up again
Start up my life again
Without all of these feelings
O
  N
    A
      N
         D
            I
        N
     S
   I
D
E
O
  F
My body

I want to paint my room red
With every feeling
That wishes to spill out of me
Let them free
Let them seep
Into everything around me
I want to paint my room red
With this metaphoricality

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair

When you look into my eyes
I beg for you to see
The pain that I hide within
But all you see in my eyes
Is your own reflection

When you hear my voice
I beg for you to hear
The strain and break deep in the back
Of my throat
But all you hear
Is your own guilt in disguise

When you take my hand
I beg for you to feel
When I squeez it for a distraction
But all you feel
Is the pain in your own hand


When you kissed me
I begged for you to taste
My very being rotting away
But all you tasted
Was the taste of your own thoughts

When you layed next to me
I begged for you to smell
The fear I feel as my body withers
But all you smelled
Was your own putrid scent

When I cry
I beg for you to notice
The suffering in my tears
But all you notice
Is your own fears

I beg to feel seen by your five senses
But your five senses
Aren't focused on me

Look a little deeper
Look a little harder
Then maybe one day you will see how broken this world
has come to be

Smell the air around
Breath in all scents
Maybe one day you will smell the sour smell or rotting
souls

Touch the world around you
Feel the cracks and bumps
Then maybe one day you will feel how broken she's
become

Listen to the world and the people around
Then maybe you will hear all the people screaming
for help
And maybe you will start to hear the minds of the
restless

Taste the bitter sweet flavor of sorrow
Taste all the blood in the air from all the battles
against ones self
Then maybe one day you will taste your tears
as you cry

YOU

That's all I can think about
morning and day

YOU

Set my heart on fire

YOU

Make me feel warm everywhere

YOU

Ignite my feelings that I hid away

YOU

Are all that I can think about

You set my mind
My heart
My soul
And everything within
On fire

I sit here and I read old messages
And it sparks feelings
I never wanted to feel again

I'm scared of what you do to me
Cause the last time
The person completely broke me

I sit here and think of
YOU
And I smile
And I squeal
And my heart sets itself on fire

Whenever you cross my mind
My whole body feels ignited

Whenever you cross my mind
I can't think of anything else

YOU
YOU
YOU

And nothing else
Until the fire goes out

I'm missing you
But I know I shouldn't

Im in love with you
But I know
I shouldn't be

But when I think about
When I met you
I can't help it

When I remember your smile
That made my heart warm up
I can't help it

When I remember your touch
That made my soul light up
I can't help it

I miss the you
That I met and knew
But something pulled you under
And you're no longer you

I can't reach the person I once knew
And that hurts me
Even though it shouldn't

I just wish I could find out
Why

I just wish i could find out
What happened

Because I'm missing the you
That I once knew
Even though I shouldn't

I also know you won't miss the me
That you were getting to know
And meet
So I shouldn't love
The thought of you with me

I see the blade smile up at me
And the feeling flood my brain
So I smile back
Letting the blood do my greetings

I dance to my music as I smile
Finally seeing the cuts I always wanted
As a kid
Finally deep enough

Ten your old me smiles up at my thoughts
Seeing as I completed her dream
To bleed enough
To stain my dreams

I came across
A stray
Snarling dog
About 6 years ago
While I was living in an abusive home
Matted and scared

It was battered and bruised
And so was I

I fed the dog everything I would catch
Gave it my trust
And my loyalty
While it was visiting other people
Still coming running to me
As if it were starving

A month later I left my home
Finally out but now on my own
And nowhere to go
I left the ravaging beast
That owned me
Moved into the snarling dogs den
Where it kept me isolated
And used
Never free to express myself for fear of its bark
But the dog never bit so I forgave it
For it was bruised and hurt
So I tended to its wounds
As I licked them clean

Seven months later I learned the dog was being fed by other people
All of my hunting was for nothing
I didn't hurt the dog
Just hissed and yowled and scratched myself
Because the dog didn't deserve that
It was just hungry
You can't help hunger
So I moved us somwhere where the yards had fences so that the dog couldn't feed from others

Two more months later the dog had dug a hole under them
I found it and broke down again
All while filling the hole in with all the strength I could find in my small paws

The dog learned how to jump the fence
So I moved us somewhere where they were taller
And finally he was my dog
Even tho he still hungered for food from others
But my loyalty no longer lied with him
So I'd leave the dog alone in it's den
Well fed while I'd go out to hunt for others

After awhile I forgave his hunger
And gave in to those puppy dog eyes
Gave him my loyalty once more
Stayed in the den
But then a wolf moved in
And drove me out

I moved into a house again but was still loyal to the dog
To it's den
Until the dog snarled and barked
Until I was scared away from my loyalty
As it drove me away

The dog would now just roam my home
And visit here and there
Presenting itself as my therapy
As it wrapped is body around me
And let me use its fur for warmth
Being at my service
Grooming my fur
Leaving it clean
Trimming my claws
Leaving them cared for
My dog

Years later the dog still barked
Snarled
Growled
But it still never bit
So I always forgave it
I gave it my loyalty again
I let the dog into my home for a few days at a time
Before it went back to it's den

I lost my memory
No longer knew the dog
But the dog said I was loyal to him
And he was loyal
My dog
But then I found out that the dog had another home that he'd visit
My dog wasn't my dog
So I tried to leave it all
Because nothing is mine
Nothing is for me

The dog came crawling back
Whimpering and howling
Giving me its puppy dog eyes
So I let it be at my service again
Let it be my therapy dog again
The dog cleaned my fur
Trimmed my claws

Time flies by and the dog starts snarling
Growling
Teeth bared
Back arched
Everytime I'm sad or hurt
It can't be my therapy dog anymore
But I still beg it for comfort
I still try to nuzzle up to its fur
Hoping I can calm the anger within its body
With mine

But I am no longer this dogs cat
I am no longer loyal
And I don't care for its loyalty
I only care that it doesn't prey on another
So I obsess over keeping that dog mine
Keeping it away from another stray

I prowl around trying to find other homes
Until I do find one
This home is nice
But I only visit him sometimes
Wary of being his pet

The dog grows distant
Hiding away in the dark corners of our home
The dog is no longer there for me
Emotionally or physically
It doesn't curl itself around me or groom my fur
It doesn't lick my head when it's lowered
Or trim my claws when they grow too long
It only snarles
Barks
Bares its teeth
And finally it

BITES

The dog bit me
But the bite didn't draw blood
So I hiss and I swat
I curl up in a corner
And I keep the site of the bite away from my potential new owner
But that owner didn't want me
I'm not the right cat
I'm not the right temperament or personality that he was looking for so he closes his doors

I let the dog come back into our home
It must've been an accident
Because the wound
Didn't
Draw
Blood

One of my old owners comes back
The dog is still distant
Still snarling
And growling
So I hiss
And yowl back

The dog begins to calm back down
But it is still not my dog
I don't want it to be my dog
My previous owner only wants a cat and not a dog
And I'd like to be his pet again
So I need to leave the dog back in the den

The dog still cares for me
But only physically
All is well
And visiting my old owners home
Has me happy

But then
The dog
Bites me
Draws blood
Leaves a gaping wound
In my beautiful fur coat
My fur was stained red
And I was bleeding out dead
So I dragged myself to my old owners home
And he opened the door for me

The dog still wants me back
He couldn't fulfill his hunger
So he took his fill
Right out of me
Yet he still hungers further
Still howls and whimpers
Still tries to fool me with his puppy dog eyes
But I can now see through the lies
And everytime I look down I still see the wound that was left
In my beautiful fur coat
I can't get that wound clean
So I make sure that the dog cannot get to me

I need a home
But there is no home
Within me
And there is no home
Out here

I'm left here wondering
Is there a home for me
Somewhere out there?

Not a person
But a place
For people are temporary
And homes shouldn't be

I don't want to make you my home
And then have to move out
Taking my things with me
And leaving yours

I don't want merely a house
Or a home for a bit
I need a permanent home
To rest within

Give me a home
To place my soul
Within
For my soul can no longer
Bare this emptiness
It resides in

Give me a home
With green plush grass
To lay my soul in
As it grows over and around it

Give me a home
With a long tall swing
To allow my soul to fly
To where it all begins

Give me a home
With a deep inviting forest
To let my soul wander
Get lost somewhere aside from in here

Give me a home
To lay myself in
While I dissapear from everything
Inside of me
And everything out here

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day

Speak no words
Just share silent stares

Speak no words
But share small kisses
That do all the talking
For us

Speak no words
But listen to the words spoken
In all your favorite songs
As we talk about nothing

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day
For I just love the way you smile
My way

I like who you are over text
With me
But I'd like to leave
Out the rest

The person over text
Is never the person
Infront of me
Atleast not verbally
As that's really
The only comparison
There is
When all you are is an existance in my head
And over text

I like who you are over text
With me
But I'd like to leave
Out the rest

You're different
When you're physically
Here
Sharing a space with me
But maybe not

Maybe it's me
Maybe I'm uncomfortable
With the physicality
Because the only physicality I want
Is him with me

I was told
Time and time again
That theres no more reason to be scared
I can sleep in peace

But time and time again
Everyone who ever said
Those words to me
Got proved wrong
Along with me

So now I lay here and wish to do
Everything to flee
The capture of sleep

The dark is me refuge
Even though the dark is where many bad things happen

People love in the dark

People hurt in the dark

But the dark is still my home

The dark is where some people do harsh things

Some people smoke in the dark

Some people **** in the dark

Some people steal in the dark

But the dark is still my home
Why?
Because no one can see me break down in the dark
Because when everyone else abandoned me
The dark held me in it's arms

Because even though people hurt me in the dark
It was still there for me more than anyone or anything else

So the dark is my home

The things I wish to say to you
Will not
And shall not
Ever come true

I know I cannot
And I know I should not
Speak to you ever again
Even though
I have things I wish to say to you

Hello
I wish to say
Hello to the smile that comes with all the pain
Hello to the care thats guided by a blade
Hello to the I love you wrapped in thorns
Hello to you taking the very part of me you own

*******
I wish to scream
******* for all those abandoned dreams
******* for everything you took from me
******* for telling me it never happened
******* for leaving me abandoned

I hate you
I wish to whisper
I hate you for all the friends I lost
I hate you for all the ruined relationships
I hate you for all the harm to my body
I hate you for all the life you stole out of me

I love you
I wish to never think again
I love you for the care you showed when she didn't
I love you for the love you gave even though it ruined me
I love you for the memories that I despise
I love you for showing me every way to be treated wrong

LEAVE ME ALONE
I wish to display anywhere visible
Leave me alone I wish to say using the blade
Leave me alone I wish to display with the lighter
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display with the holes in the wall
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display when I make myself unrecognizable

Everything I do is for you
Even though
All my actions
Are negative reactions
Caused by all you did
And continue to do

You watch
And you wait

You wait for an opportunity to strike
But not through eyes of your own

You watch and you wait through the eyes of others
And of cameras conveniently placed

You watch and you wait behind false walls of safety
For you fear the actuality of potentially being caught

So you flee the front lines and watch from afar
Through the eyes of others watching in fall

You wait for me to falter
To waver
To crack
But I won't let it show

I won't show that I'm always on edge
Waiting for eyes to be following me
Across the ledge of privacy

I won't show that I'm afraid
To step away from this home
Where even in safety I feel scared and alone

I won't show that my heart breaks Whenever someone tells me they'll try
To do something to you

For I know they cant
And they may never be free if they try
Because deep down
I know
That you wont hesitate to hurt
Maybe even to ****

Even though I may
Waver
Falter
Then break

I wont show it for when I do it'll be
My own silent escape

Dizzy with anxiety
Sick with fear

You cry tears of faded dreams
You cut with forgotten wishes

Memories fade as new fears invade

You swallow the poison in your words as they burn your throat

You choke on broken faith

You throw up bad memories in a pile at your side then hide them in blankets of false hope

This poem is beautiful yet destructive
Jut like you

I run my hand along my leg
And feel the jegged edges
That each cut makes

I run my hand along my leg
This time absent of a blade
And I remember
How the blood had flown

Then I look up
And I dare to whisper
"I wish to do it again"

Throwing stars
Marking up my hands
My arms

I lay on the ground
Staring at the stars
In the dark
Looking at where they should be
Instead of
Inside me

Throwing stars
Aimed at my body
Marking up
The will left inside of me

I lay on the floor
Staring at the stars
In the dark
Looking at where they've traveled to
Instead of
Where they do

Throwing stars
Leaving scars
Leaving me
Bleeding and marked
For if you miss
Your hands are the target
But you only did this to me
Only subjected me
To your torturous whims

Atleast now I know
How to throw a star
With unweilding accuracy
But what use does that do
When the only stars I wish to touch
Are of those up above
Unreachable
Far above me

You go from tired
To dying

You go from not wanting to eat
To not being able to

You go from not wanting to wake
To staying in bed all day

You go from skipping a shower every few days
To showering
Maybe once a month

You go from unmotivated
To incapable

You went from tired to dying
And no one noticed

I
Am going from tired to dying
And everyone around
Chooses to ignore
The look in my eyes
Or more so
The look that's not there

I was too broken for him
And too broken for her
Eventually you're gonna see
That I'm too broken for you

I say things are fine
When really they aren't

I do this because
I don't want you to leave
I don't want you to break my heart

But doing this tears me apart

But now you brought stuff up
That's started a fight
And it's pulling you
Away from me

I waited for you to say
I love you
And you finally have
But not in the setting I wanted
As you have now left me here
On my own
Because you need to think

But please
Don't be like everyone else

Don't leave me

I dont need it
Your touch
But I crave it
The way it makes my skin warm
The way it makes me sweat
The way it makes me shy away
From you
As you pull me ever closer
Against you
Onto you
As you pull me into you
And yourself into me

I dont need it
Your touch
Or atleast thats the way
I wish my mouth
Would say the words
But instead I whisper

"I need you"
"I crave you"
"I cant live without this"
"Touch me, please, I beg"
"Devour me with new memories
Fade the old ones"

I don't just want it
I need it
And if you cant provide
I cant provide you
With my love
Because the need comes from above

Above my mind
Above my own heart
Beyond and before

It comes from before
When the only love I knew
Was when he touched me
So the only love I craved
Was him defiling me
So now I crave to be defiled by you

Have you ever wondered
If your existence was simply
A universal mistake?
That when your mom talks about
Almost making sure
That you weren't born
That something got in the way
That shouldn't have?

I lay here in agony
Believing this
Believing in my supposed
Unexistance

When she talks about forgetting
That you even exist
Other than when she randomly gets
A little reminder
I sit and I wonder
If that's maybe just the universe glitching
Because somewhere in some time
I wasn't meant to be

I sit and I wonder
If my supposed unexistance
Can explain everything away
Because maybe its the universes way
Of trying to correct its mistake

I'm not a mistake here
Not there
Or anywhere on a level of your attention
I'm a mistake on the level
Of universal inattentiveness

My existence has been pure hell
Full of near death experiences
Via my own hands and others
But I am a quantum mistake
That isn't easily erased
Even tho I long to be

I sit and I wonder
If my supposed unexistance
Can explain everything away
Because maybe its the universes way
Of trying to correct its mistake

Are all the failed relationships
Simply because the universal pairs
Made between one person and another
Had never included me in the equation?

Is my upbringing full of abuse
And horrors beyond comprehension
Simply because you can't love
Something that wasn't meant to be
In existence?

Does my body fail me
Fall apart
And crumble more and more
Throughout every year that passes
Simply because I wasn't meant to be?

Is the reason that no supports
Can be accessed by me
And I can't get any help for me
Or my disabilities
Simply because the world wasn't built to house me?

Is my existence a universal
Quintessential
Quantum mistake?

One that will only be corrected
By my
Unexistance?

I believe the answer is yes
Because I am floating
Unbound
Through pain
And through hell
With no universal help

There is a boy

He is marked by time
But his soul is untouched

He has been through abuse
From his father
And mother
And a girl or two
Yet his soul is untouched

He has been rejected
By girls
And guys alike
Also by his own family
Yet his soul is untouched

This boy has been beat
This boy has been broke

His heart is shattered
Into many peices

He is alone
In the sense
He has no people

But
The shadows are
His home

So in the shadows
His friends dwell
And keep his soul alive
And untouched

The urge to scream the words
I LOVE YOU
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream the words
DONT LEAVE ME
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream
WHY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHEN IT MEANS GETTING ATTENTION
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream at you
All the things I want to say
Abandon whats right
Abandon whats wrong
Abandon everything except
The words within

I want to keep you
But I want to be kept in a state of happy
And you don't do that

I want to keep you
But you only wanna keep me
When it means my affection

If I'm exhausted
If I'm tired
If I'm depressed
If I'm sad
If I'm anything that requires
That I get without giving
Even for a moment
You dissappear from me
Or you treat me
Like a stray cat
That you abandoned
Because it no longer suited you

But the urge to keep you
Makes me ignore this
Over
And over
And over
AGAIN
Because I love you
But I dont think you love me
You just loved my codependency

I get used
In many ways

I get used for touch
I get used for lust

I get used for comfort
I get used for my love

I get used
Day by day

And no one cares
How broken
I'm becoming

Because
Why would anyone care
About a toy?

Don't tell me
I'm not a toy

Because if I wasn't
Why am I treated like one?

Honestly
Tell me why

I don't want to be used
To be a toy

I want someone to hold me
Cause they wanna keep me safe
Not cause they want comfort
Not cause they feel lonely and want someone to hold

I want someone to kiss me
Because they can't resist
And cause they wanna make me happy
Not cause they want pleasure
Not cause they want more from it

I want someone to hold my hand
Because they want to
Because maybe they like making me feel safe
Not because I like them and they don't wanna be rude
Not because they feel bad for me
Because of my past

I want someone
To love me
And all my broken peices
And not be pretending

I want to write a violent poem
But the words won't come out
They won't flow

I want to write a violent poem
To display every voilent feeling
Eating away at me

Wait for you
That's what I'll do

I'll wait for you
For however long you need me too

Cause I can't imagine
Losing you

What if I kissed you?
Would you kiss me back?
Or push me away?

What if I hugged you and held you near?
Would you pull me closer?
Or hold me at a distance?

What if I wanted to call you mine?
Would you call me yours?
Or walk away?

What's the point of making friends
When people just think
I'm always gonna fall for them

What's the point of liking people if I have to keep it a secret
Because if I don't I can't hang out with them without getting
'A talk'

What's the point of anything
If everything I do is wrong?

Tell me
What's the point

When I'm with you
I feel as though
Not even the strongest wind
Could knock me down

When I'm with you
I feel as though
Not even the biggest waves
Could drown my thoughts

When I'm with you
I feel as though
Not even the darkest nights
Could hide my smiles

When I'm with you
I feel as though
Not even my worst thoughts
Could hide my feelings

When I'm with you
I feel as though
Not even the harshest rain
Could dampen my emotions

When I'm with you
I feel as though
I can be free

I feel as though
I can be me

I feel as though
My hearts no longer trapped

For when I'm with you
I feel as though
Anything could be

Why everytime theres a smile on my face does it have to be erased?

Why everytime I make a friend does someone make me feel like it shouldnt be?

Why everytime I laugh does someone have to discriminate me?

Why
Is
The
World
Against
Me?

Will you leave me like the others?
Thats whats going through my mind

But
I dont want to lose you
Like I lost them

Because you treat me right
You dont just throw me to the side
And give me attention when its convenient for you

You dont want me for my body and you tell me no when I need to hear it
Even if I dont want to

But this all scares me
And today
I let it slip
And I told you the truth
I told you I love you

I didnt want to
Not because I dont want to love you
Because I do
You're a better person than alot

But
Now that I've told you
The urge to push tou away is much stronger
Because what if I get attached again?
What if I become completely infatuated?
But then you leave?

And that thought is scaring me

I wonder why schools teach us past
Not present

They teach us old
Rarely new

They never ask us what we want to do
They dont base what they teach
On who we want to be

They teach us the things they 'think' we need
All the while disregarding who we are
Individually

They base our grades on how much we pay attention
But if you're like me
Too creative to follow standards
Too creative to be the same as every other person
Your mind won't focus
It'll wander

I wonder why we have to all be the same
Why we have to 'fit in'
In order
To be noticed
In order
To be "cool"

The world is teaching us that in order to succeed
We must be the same
As every other person before us

But I will not live by society's teachings

Born
Into a world
Of trauma

Things continue
To go downhill
Every single year
Of my life

They keep getting
WORSE
With only small snipits
Of being alright
Just enough to keep me
Hopeful and alive

But whats it all for
When life throws me out
Onto the floor
And continues to pour
My hopes
My dreams
My love
My sanity
Right down the drain

Worse
WOrse
WORse
WORSe
And WORSE

Fetch me from this place
Keep me eternally safe

Let me live in your arms
Please be my personal escape

I cannot face life
For the life I want
And possibly need
Is one where
My effort is required no more

Please
Goodbye
Please
Lie
Please
Let
Me
Go
And
Die
Peaceful­ly
Within
Your
Arms
In
A
Bed
Of
Your
Love
Before
I
Get
WORSE

I thought
I would be lonely
Much longer

But then
You came along

Soft eyes
Fluffy hair

Cute smile
Attractive stare

I thought
I would be lonely
Much longer

But now I have you

BRING ME HOME
I scream into nothing
For the words will not leave
My vocal chords
Because not even I know what I mean

BRING ME A HOME
I beg the shadows that I see
When out alone at night
For I cannot beg a person
To give me that light

Home
Is all I beg for
Home
Is all I cry for
Home
Is all I long for
Home
HOme
HOMe
HOME

BRING ME HOME

But where is home
Or better yet

What is a home?

Is a home something I'll ever get?

You feel like I home
But I need something permanent
Or maybe just your arms
Around my body
Surrounding me
Until I'm buried

But no
You're not a home
You're a life
You're my life

So where (what) is home?

I'm breathless
And aching
And cracking
And breaking
As I beg and I claw
My way to a place
That I don't even understand
That I don't even think
I will ever reach

There is no home for me
With a burning fire
And a warm bed
And a happy setting

There is only an abandoned
Cold
Empty
House
With floorboards exposing nails
And windowsills that leave you splintered

There is only an abandoned house
With no blankets but the clawing
Lonely thoughts

There is only a house
But not even
For a house would still give shelter
And this place only leaves you

Nothing
For you were nothing
From the day you were born

Abandoned from the second you breathed

Nothing
Nothing
NOTHING

I am yours
Even though I have escaped

I am yours
Because you still control my life

I am yours
Because youre always there in my mind

I am yours
Because somehow you place yourself in the other people around me

I am yours
Because she still tells you all about me

I am yours
Because you still know where I am and could 'visit' me any time

I am yours
Because you still hold power over me

I AM NOT YOURS
Yet you still control every aspect of who I'm trying to be

You say you will try
Next time

But then
That next time comes
And what do you do?

You disregard the words you spoke
Then once again
I get upset
And once again
You say
Next time

But really
What does next time mean?

Does next time really mean never?
Because you have been telling me
Next time
Forever

But I still hold on to you
And this false hope
That next time
It'll be true

But hey
Now I'm mad
And now I'm sad
I tell you
And what do you do?

You say you will try to be better
You tell me sorry
Sorry for what?
Sorry for being a bad boyfriend

I forgive you
You say you'll try
And you ask me not to leave you like last time
Hoping there won't be a next time

But for all those nextimes of false hope
I give you the next time
You wouldn't give me