I am now fourteen

I am at the age where boys high five each other for no longer being a ******

I am at the age where girls gossip about *** and squeal about the details

I am now at the age where people will ask me if I am still pure

But when they ask me I don't know what to say

For if I say no they will ask me how I lost it
But I don't want to say
For I didn't lose it to someone I love
I didn't lose it to a cute guy or girl like you
I lost it on several occasions in the darkness of my room
I lost it in the shower of my own home
I lost it over and over again for four years
I lost it to my father

I didn't lose it the way others did
For I lost it on nights where my mom and dad fought
I first lost it at nine

Every time he would touch me
Or **** me
I would pretend to be asleep
Unless it happened in the shower

I would pretend to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do
For I was afraid to go against him
Because he yelled and hit me and my brother if he even suspected we did something wrong
So every night after he would leave my room I would open my eyes as tears cascaded my cheeks
My heart overflowing with nothing but misery
And my mind filled with nothing but fear

When he would touch me in the shower I would go along with it for I couldn't do anything else
I lived in fear for many many years
Even before he started to touch me

So when people ask me if I am a ****** I don't know what to say
For if I say yes I am lying
And if I say yes I have to explain

And every night I lay awake in fear of sleep
For if I sleep he will once again haunt me in my dreams
So I only sleep during the early morning when the sun first starts shining

And when I have to shower I stand in the water
Fighting away tears
Fighting away fear
Fighting away the memories

I didn't lose it the way others do
I didn't lose it to someone I love

I lost it to the person who was supposed to protect me

I lose it to the person who was supposed to love me
But not in that way

I lost it to my own father
Over
And over
Again
And again

Until I finally told someone

Until I finally left him behind

But he still haunts my thoughts every hour
Every day

For ever and ever

Because even though he's no longer physically there
He still haunts me

So no
I am not a ******
For my innocence was stolen long ago
Along with my heart and soul

Your love comes in waves

One minute you need me
The next you don't even want me

You kiss me
And touch me

Sometimes with love
Others with lust

Our love is tearing me apart
But I can't leave
For you have my heart
And won't give it back

Way up high he sits
Looking all around
Searching for a way to make all that's lost be found

Way up high she sits
Looking down upon the ground
Pairing the shattered with the mended or whole

Way up high they sit
Looking up into the sky
Wishing to be higher
Wishing to be found

Why did you touch me that first night?
When I was wrapped up in sweet memories

Why did you lure me into the hot steam of a shower and show me you loved me in a way that's not right?

Why when I became distant, faded, and lost did you demand me to hug you because you were at a loss without the sweet relief of my pale skin?

Why when it started did I believe it was okay? That it was normal and I shouldn't worry enough to tell

Why when I became scarred in more ways than one did you yell at me? Was it because my sweet skin was no longer clear and soft? Was it because you only loved me because you could touch me and now the skin that you liked to touch had become rough and undelightful?

Why do you continue to poison their minds with lies?
And try to tell me you didn't do anything wrong when we both know you did

Why did you touch me so many times and expect me to never leave you behind?

You never loved me
You loved the sweet relief you got from touching my skin and soul

You make my life livable

You make my smile believable

You make my laugh true

You make me happy

But the thought of you one day being gone makes me sad

But based on my reputation I'll be fine

Based on my reputation I'll move on soon

Based on my reputation you won't matter after a few days

But reputations lie

Because if you were gone my life will be less bearable

Because if you were gone my smile would always be fake

Because if you were gone I would never be able to truly laugh

Because if you were gone my smile would disappear

I love you more than anyone before
So if you were gone my heart would shatter completely

It would forever be in pieces

One day you will find love

You might find it in the smile of a friendly passerby

You might find it in the lonely stare of cold eyes

You might find it where you thought no one went but you

You might find it in your best friend

You might find it in the middle of the school hall

You may find it where you never expected it to be at all
Or you might find it where you always knew it would be

No matter what you will find it eventually

But be careful
Because if you don't you may lose it forever
Never to feel it again

To me he's the stars
He adds brightness to my life

He's the moon

He's the light when all I see is dark

He's the rainbow after the rain

He's the sun on a cloudy day

He's like a storm

His mood can change in a flash

He can be happy
He can be sad
He can be mad

He can be annoyed
Jealous
Hurt
Lonely
And so much more
And like a storm he can feel all of those in just one day

He can be like a storm
But he can also be like snowfall on Christmas day

He can make you feel emotions you can't explain
And he can be peaceful

But he can also make you feel like you're drowning if he decides you're not the one

His love is like a stormy ocean
It's fun to be on
But once it gets rough
It can tear you apart

If you survive the storm though it can be lovely
But it can all change in a flask
Like it never even happened

When he looks at me with those soft eyes of his I melt and I just wanna curl up into his arms
And tell him to never let me go

When he holds my hand it's like suddenly there's electricity coursing through me
And I start to shake
So I feel the need to let go
Before my emotions get out of control

When his lips that feel indescribably soft touch mine
Everything around me just dissapears
And all my fears
Bad thoughts
And doubt dissapear
Like they weren't there to begin with

When the word "I love you" leave his lips it's like the soft sound of light rain on the roof
That soothes you to sleep at night