I scream into the empty space beyond
"I'M HERE"
But all I hear is my own scream echoed back

I scream out loud
But there is no sound
Except for my own echoes
In my head

Its dark
Empty
Cold
Crushing
And you're the darkness

You're the darkness and he let you back in
With his harsh words
And zero remorse or genuine conviction of care

You're all around me
You completely surrounded me
I can't run
I can't hide
For its endless
And I'm tired

You completely surrounded me
As I drown myself red
To add any colour to this dreadful dark
But it's so dark that nothing could hope to ever see
So the red flows black
Nothing but a feeling
Fleeting
Eating me alive

I scream
"PLEASE HELP I DON'T WANNA DROWN"
But all I hear is a soft voiceless echo
As my cries leave my mouth wordless
So all that can be heard
Is the silent echoes
As I'm swallowed
Now gone

Walk with me into my brothers room
To where the cheap piano stood
Feel the scratchy carpet underneath your feet
And the keys under your fingers as you touch them gently
Remember your frustration that it lives in his room
And not yours
For you're the only person who touches its chords

Walk with me into the darkness outdoors
To where I walked the dog out among the stars
Feel your feet within the shoes you begged and cried for because boys shoes were cheaper
And the leash within your hand
The pain when he would tug and pull and the leash would drag and burn
Remember your anguish as you begged to walk him only once a day
Or maybe for less hours
For your ankle was broke and torn and walking left you powerless

Walk with me into my room
To where you had no door among little privacy
Feel your feet carry you across the hardwood floor
And your fingers grasping the standing closet door
Remember how unsafe you felt as you crawl inside
Lock yourself whithin its grasp as you beg for it to hold you safe some more
For this was your only private space
And you could lock it from indoors

I am yours
Even though I have escaped

I am yours
Because you still control my life

I am yours
Because youre always there in my mind

I am yours
Because somehow you place yourself in the other people around me

I am yours
Because she still tells you all about me

I am yours
Because you still know where I am and could 'visit' me any time

I am yours
Because you still hold power over me

I AM NOT YOURS
Yet you still control every aspect of who I'm trying to be

Place me back in time
Back there
Back where I was abused
And constantly used
Something used to vent your frustration

Place me back in time
Back there
Back where I was nothing more
And nothing less than
Something used for ****** gratification

Place me back in time
Back there
Back where I was manipulated
And nothing on my own
Something used to satisfy your needs

Place me back in time
Back there
Back where I was scared
And nothing but small
Something used to gratify your existence

Use me
Abuse me
Manipulate me
All for your own pleasure
Because its always about you (him)
And never about me
For why care for something that was created
Just to satisfy the needs of others
Who can't be satisfied by regular means

When you look into my eyes
I beg for you to see
The pain that I hide within
But all you see in my eyes
Is your own reflection

When you hear my voice
I beg for you to hear
The strain and break deep in the back
Of my throat
But all you hear
Is your own guilt in disguise

When you take my hand
I beg for you to feel
When I squeez it for a distraction
But all you feel
Is the pain in your own hand


When you kissed me
I begged for you to taste
My very being rotting away
But all you tasted
Was the taste of your own thoughts

When you layed next to me
I begged for you to smell
The fear I feel as my body withers
But all you smelled
Was your own putrid scent

When I cry
I beg for you to notice
The suffering in my tears
But all you notice
Is your own fears

I beg to feel seen by your five senses
But your five senses
Aren't focused on me

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That all I can do is cry
And clutch my chest
As hard as my hands will allow
Because I feel like I'm being ripped
To shreds

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That I feel the need to scream
Til I can't breath
Til I'm coughing and choking
On my own pain
And misery

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That its meltdown
After
Meltdown
Until my face is so swollen from the tears
That I don't recognize the mirror

I'm tired.
And I'm drowning
And you just withdraw your grasp
And turn the other way.

get out
Get out
GEt out
GET out
GET Out
GET OUt
GET OUT

I repeat it under my breath
And louder
And louder
In my head

But it doesnt matter
How many times
I repeat it
Or how loud
That I scream it

It wont do anything
When
YOU
KEEP
BRINGING
HIM HERE

Get away
From the house
Is all I can say
But it wont work
Because getting away
Is my job
And always will be

Your voice in my head
IT WONT LEAVE
Aslong as I hear
Your voice
Utter any words
In my vicinity

I cant get you
OUT
Because she keeps
BRINGING
YOU
BACK HERE

Please
Leave
LEave
LEAve
LEAVe
LEAVE
LEAVE!
LEAVE!!
LEAVE!!!

Or atleast
Let me
Die

You asked if I hate you and said that I should
The last time that you did
What you did

And I don't

I don't hate you
I hate myself

You make me hate myself
You reach deep down inside
Grab all my fears and insecurities
Shove them back down my throat
With all the force you can find deep within
Yourself

You claim to love me
Yet you abandon me in need
And claim I'm too overwhelming
You can't care for me
But oh
You love me

You dont make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I fear
And you light it on fire infront of my face
As you force me to watch

You claim to love me
Yet you cheat on me when I'm incapacitated
And claim you have no memory
So you can't take accountability
But oh
You love me

You don't make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I hate about myself
And hold up the magnifying glass to all of it
As you force me to comply

You claim to love me
But then you criticize me when I'm looking for a compliment
And claim you didn't understand what I need
You didn't understand that it was mean
But oh
You love me

No I dont hate you
I hate me.

But man am I ******* angry
At everything you do.

I hate you
I HATE you
I HATE YOU
I wish to scream in your face
I wish to scream until my voice is erased

But you're also everything to me
Everything in me
SCREAMS
I love you
Dont go

Although you dont love me
The way that I love you
Or you wouldn't ruin me
Everytime we get back
Together

You care more about your satisfaction
Than my emotional reaction

You cheat
You lie
You hurt me
And lay it all down in a pretty disguise

You love me
You take care of me
You keep me alive
But it's you I despise

I HATE YOU
But please
Stay here

I long for a place that only exists in my dreams
I long for a feeling that only resides
In its depth of unreality
I long for a place that I can't reach
I long for a feeling that I can't breach
Full and utter peace

Take my disabilities
And extract them out of my body

Extract the very part of me
That people have an issue with
Extract the essence of me

Take the autism
And tear it apart
Rip it to shreds and burn it
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the CFS
And lay it down to rest
Tranquilize it and put it to sleep
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the FND
And turn off its functionality
Ruin its muscles so it loses its grasp
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the DID
And put the people inside of me
Out of their missery
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the POTS
And stop its heart
Neurtralize its beating
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

They
People
Them
Everyone
Except the rare few
But they're too far and in-between
To stop my suffering

"Why does your face look like that"
"Why are you so obsessed with that"
"Why do you talk so loud"
"Why are you so quiet"
"Why do you have so many stuffies"
"Why do you carry a stuffie around like a child"
"Why cant you go to busy places with me"
"Why cant you take a buss"
"Why cant you live alone"
"Why cant you work"
"Why do you have a wheelchair"
"Why cant u walk today"
"Why cant you make your own food"
"Why do u spend so much money"
"Why do you sleep so much"
"Why don't you respond sometimes"
"Why cant we hangout"
"Why are you always so tired"
Why cant you just be normal

Extract my disabilities from my body
And bury them into the core of earth
So that they'll never again be unearthed

I reach deep down to the memories within
This vast space
Where it's all stored

I reach deep within
But my fingers only graze them
I try to grasp onto one
With all my might
But it slips between my fingers
And disappears out of sight

Sometimes I manage to pick one up
But then it slips and falls
It rolls away and disappears into the depths
No longer stored with the rest

I have concluded to leave the space be
Stop trying to grab onto the memories
But I stare at where they're stored
And slowly watch them fade
And distort
Until they're no longer visible

It doesnt matter if I leave them
It doesn't matter if I grab them
It doesn't matter if I move them
It doesn't matter if I try to keep them safe
Or pay them no attention

It doesn't matter
Because regardless of my action
They disappear
They fade
They vanish
So now I relinquish my hold
And I sit folded up
And I stare

Knees to my chest
Head to my knees
Arms wrapped
And body trapped

I stare
I sit there for hours
And keep watch
And slowly
They fade

Sometimes they flicker
Sometimes they glow
And it fills the void
Makes me warm

Sometimes an empty slot
Will fizzle
And spark
And it fills the void
Makes me smile

But then it dies
And I die along with it
A little bit each time

Age 5
Keeping it all to myself
Because I'm just a kid
I'm not old enough to know
Real pain

Age 8
Doing the same
As I hide away
Because I'm not old enough
To know real hardship

Age 9
Crying everyday
But I have nothing real
To cry over
As I'm too young to understand
Real issues

Age 10
Hiding the cuts and scrapes
Because I'm not old enough
To know how life really treats you

Age 12
Fading away
Locked up in a room
While I get told that I'm not old enough
For real issues

Age 13
No old enough to know
How bad ones body can really feel
Not old enough to really feel tired all the time
Not old enough

Age 16
Not old enough to know
The real struggles of an adult
Not old enough to know how hard money is to manage

Age 18
Its only been one year
Im not old enough to know
What its really like to be an adult
I'm not old enough to know true disability

Almost 20 now
Am I old enough yet?

You look at me for the first time
After I lose my memory of you
And I see a stranger
Giving me a lovely look
And I feel confused
By the way you look at me

I recap my memory with some assistance from you
You love me
I love you
Or that's what you tell me
But you're a stranger
This doesn't feel lovely
This feels lonely

Few weeks go by
Things are lovely
Sometimes
But when I collapse and I break
And I need you to help me back to shore
You're nowhere in sight
And I drown
And I'm lonely

I drown and just before I go under
I see you on the shore
Watching me
Observing me
And when I yell for your help
One last time
You yell back that you cant help me
From the shore
You're too far away to do anything

You don't jump in to try
You don't attempt to save me
You just allow me to drown
As you watch
So lonely

But when I can swim
All on my own
When I'm not drowning
You carry me around
You swim with me on your back
You hold my hand in the water
So lovely

I don't understand how you ended up on the shore
Right as I begin to drown
And I don't understand how you can no longer carry me
Right when I need it
Lo(n/v)ely

Feeling deep in my chest
Like I'm forgetting something
Or somebody
Important to me
Or what used to be

Feeling deep within
Like I'm empty
Where something important
Once stood
And whispered to me

Feelings
Fading
Along with memories
I held dear
And ones I have longed
To forget for awhile

I know you're missing
I know you're lost
But where the emptiness is
I cant seem to reach
To pull you back up
To the surface
Of being important to me

You've faded into
Nothing more
Than a lost memory

I dont need it
Your touch
But I crave it
The way it makes my skin warm
The way it makes me sweat
The way it makes me shy away
From you
As you pull me ever closer
Against you
Onto you
As you pull me into you
And yourself into me

I dont need it
Your touch
Or atleast thats the way
I wish my mouth
Would say the words
But instead I whisper

"I need you"
"I crave you"
"I cant live without this"
"Touch me, please, I beg"
"Devour me with new memories
Fade the old ones"

I don't just want it
I need it
And if you cant provide
I cant provide you
With my love
Because the need comes from above

Above my mind
Above my own heart
Beyond and before

It comes from before
When the only love I knew
Was when he touched me
So the only love I craved
Was him defiling me
So now I crave to be defiled by you

People love you more
The more you hate yourself

You love the way I cry
When something inside me
Once again dies

You love the way
It gives all opportunity
To save me

You love the way I scar
After I cleanse myself
Deep inside

You love the way
That my memories of you
Will never fade from my body

You love the way it hurts
When you love me
Internally

You love that it means
I dont feel as if I was loved
By so many others

You love that im broken
You love the I'm damaged
You love that you can save me
You love the way I cling to every nice word
Action
And promise

But you hate the way
That I can learn
To love myself
Even when I hate
That I exist

I dont wanna die
I just wanna know that I can
But I wont try

I'll take every word you speak
And I'll drown undearneath
What each word means

I'll cut til I bleed enough
That it's all I can see
And maybe get dizzy

I'll fantasize and research
Finding any possible way
That would for sure be permanent

I'll cut over top of veins
And relish the pain
As I think of him

I'll drown underneath a blanket
Of trauma
Broken dreams
And PTSD

I'll drown underneath every memory
Where someone
Hurt me

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair

The urge to scream the words
I LOVE YOU
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream the words
DONT LEAVE ME
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream
WHY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHEN IT MEANS GETTING ATTENTION
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream at you
All the things I want to say
Abandon whats right
Abandon whats wrong
Abandon everything except
The words within

I want to keep you
But I want to be kept in a state of happy
And you don't do that

I want to keep you
But you only wanna keep me
When it means my affection

If I'm exhausted
If I'm tired
If I'm depressed
If I'm sad
If I'm anything that requires
That I get without giving
Even for a moment
You dissappear from me
Or you treat me
Like a stray cat
That you abandoned
Because it no longer suited you

But the urge to keep you
Makes me ignore this
Over
And over
And over
AGAIN
Because I love you
But I dont think you love me
You just loved my codependency

Mom is what you're called
Or should be atleast
But I have you named as Parasite
In my contacts
Because you leech my emotions
Out of my body

We have a relationship
I dont hate
And dont admire
But you as a person
I despise
When it comes to me

"Can you zip up my dress?"
Where were you when I needed you
To do the same?

"Please stop leaving messes everywhere"
Its just a wrapper or two
And I do my best to keep things clean
For you

"Somones coming by but I need to leave. Can u talk to them for me?"
Wheres the acknowledgment of my disabilities?
The inability to be in the presence of whome I don't know

"Can u adjust my bra straps for me?"
Where were you when mine were removed
Unconsensually
By many
By one who you supposedly loved
Very obviously above your love for me

"People dont think you should still be living with me"
"My boyfriend doesn't approve of us moving together"
"You need to do more if you're gonna still live with me"
"I shouldn't have to be home so often"
Do you tell them about my disabilities?
Or do you dismiss them verbally as you do internally?

You have no regard to my health or my safety
Until it potentially means losing me for good

You have no regards to my health or my safety
Until I have to help you emotionally

Oh what I wouldn’t give
To just live
And be
Ordinary

Ive been trapped
And stuck
Ever since I was little
Other than
Those
Little tiny snippets of
Normal

Age 3
Staring at the cars
All in a row
While they yell
In the background;
Stuck

Age 3
In the grass
On a sunny day
With all the room to play;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 5
I cried and cried
As my only friend
And our dog
Died;
Stuck

Age 5
On the swing
Reaching way up high
To touch the clouds
Watching me
From the sky;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 7
Late at night in a campground
As I hear people shout
And break things
Not so far from me
But I just needed the code
To the bathroom
To ***;
Stuck

Age 7
At the beach
Feet in the sand
Face all red from the heat
And water in my hair
As I laugh with a random stranger;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 8
Moving to a house
And thinking its great
Until the knife marks
Blood stains
And undergarments
In the fire place;
Stuck

Age 8
Finding the rockface
And seeing the first sunset
From my tall mountain advantage;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 9
Feeding me lies
As he steals my soul
And anything I ever had within;
Stuck

Age 9
Camp arrowflight
Smores
Friends
Games
Sunburns
And sleeping under the stars;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 10
Blades across skin
Blood dripping onto the floor
From my wrist
And from within
Places he shouldn't be;
Stuck

Age 10
Friends houses full of
Laughs
Smiles
Fun toys to be a kid with
And many places to explore
With our imagination as our feet wander
Anywhere beyond there;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 12
Running into the night
Afraid but free
As I walk for hours
Until my final destination
Where I stay
Until found;
Stuck

Age 12
Finally moving in with a friend
And the family
Seeing peaceful
Not dysfunctional;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 13
He defiles my body
My boyfriend to be
But I love him
So I'm his;
Stuck

Age 13
Exploring new places
With a new family
Smiles on our faces;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 14
Back again
Back with him
Because you love him
So you're his
And so am I;
Stuck

Age 14
Exploring a ravine
Free
And calm
With music by my side
For the first time
My own;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 15
It happens again
But this time
I dont bleed from within
Just from my thighs
And my wrists
Before I escape;
Stuck

Age 15
Moving in somewhere new
Cuddles and games
And kisses
And so much soft affection
From you;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 16
You cheated
On me
I scream and I kick
I hate you
Get away from me;
Stuck

Age 16
Walks to the store
Inside jokes and park runs
Full of smiles and laughs
And we finally got a cat;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 17
I must once again flee
As I am blamed
For the truth of another
And they all
Want me gone;
****

Age 17
There isnt a little tiny snippet of normal.

Age 18
You defile me
And she allows it
As she loves you
So she is yours
And I must be too
But you're not the same love
As before
No
You're new;
Stuck

Age 18
Applying for my own money
Getting new supports
Getting better help
Finding people who love me
So I am theirs
But this time they don't know
My reasons
As they never force it;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 19
Youve done it again mom
Found a new love
Who declares me his
As much as yours
But this time
I stay away
And you keep him
At bay
But you're suffering;
Stuck

Age 19
A month away
Practically on my own
A lifelong dream
Trips with my own money
To places that make me happy
And a new friend
Who likes me
For me;
Little tiny snippet of normal


These little tiny snippets of normal
Keep me going
And keep me sane
But everytime they disappear
So does my hope
Of getting away

Little tiny snippets of me
Fading away

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day

Speak no words
Just share silent stares

Speak no words
But share small kisses
That do all the talking
For us

Speak no words
But listen to the words spoken
In all your favorite songs
As we talk about nothing

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day
For I just love the way you smile
My way

Its sad to be
In my thoughts
With me

But if you wish to delve
And take a dive
Inside of my mind
Then look below
At the words hollowed out
From within

I wish to be
Debilitated
But not dead
So that finally
Someone would just take care of me

Just for a little while
Until I was better
And maybe I'd once again
Gain my smile

I wish to be
Under the water
In an endless sea
With the only thing in sight
Endless blue
And faint bits of light

Just for a little while
Until I was calm
And maybe I'd once again
Find peace in your arms

I wish to be
Someone you see
As not broken
Or damaged
But yours
And just yours alone

Just for a little while
Until I felt okay to go
And maybe once again
I'd break anothers soul

I wish to be
Somebody else
With a good life
A big house
And maybe lots of friends

Just for a little while
Until I knew a normal thought
And maybe once again
Feel the innocence of freedom

I wish
To finally
Feel safe

I wish
To finally
Be at peace

I wish
To finally
Fulfill my dreams

I wish
To finally
After all is said and done
Be
Gone

I dont want him
To recognize me
To see any little bit of
The face that has come to be

So please
I know you dont want
Me to do such things
But please

Let me cut my face so that
Some semblance of it may be gone

Let me maybe drag the blade
Across my cheek
Or any other spot
So as to not be the same
When he sees me again

I know its wrong
But please
I cannot have him
Recognize me
And possibly once again
Say my name

So let me hide behind new hair
So that he may not recognize
The features
That make me
And so that you may not see
The damage I do to not be
Recognized by him

The things I wish to say to you
Will not
And shall not
Ever come true

I know I cannot
And I know I should not
Speak to you ever again
Even though
I have things I wish to say to you

Hello
I wish to say
Hello to the smile that comes with all the pain
Hello to the care thats guided by a blade
Hello to the I love you wrapped in thorns
Hello to you taking the very part of me you own

*******
I wish to scream
******* for all those abandoned dreams
******* for everything you took from me
******* for telling me it never happened
******* for leaving me abandoned

I hate you
I wish to whisper
I hate you for all the friends I lost
I hate you for all the ruined relationships
I hate you for all the harm to my body
I hate you for all the life you stole out of me

I love you
I wish to never think again
I love you for the care you showed when she didn't
I love you for the love you gave even though it ruined me
I love you for the memories that I despise
I love you for showing me every way to be treated wrong

LEAVE ME ALONE
I wish to display anywhere visible
Leave me alone I wish to say using the blade
Leave me alone I wish to display with the lighter
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display with the holes in the wall
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display when I make myself unrecognizable

Everything I do is for you
Even though
All my actions
Are negative reactions
Caused by all you did
And continue to do

Inhale me like a drug
As you take me into your lungs

Caress my skin
The way that you caressed them

Blame me for your addiction
To my skin
As you spit out the words
That you dont mean
But continue to say

Blame me for the way
That you cannot get enough
Of my touch

Drive me insane
With your addiction
To my name
As you place
All of your blame
Upon the things
That I say

Another year
Containing more months
That I have to bare

Another year
Containing more days
Where I wont sleep

Another year
Containing more weeks
Filled with nothing but empty air

Another year
That everyone celebrates
At the beginning
But I shall not
For I never wished to be here

Another year
For people to use
Abuse
And break me

Another year
Alive knowing hes alive too
Not too far from me
Infact sometimes just a wall away

Another year
Living here with her
Knowing shes using me emotionally
But having to just smile and agree
To all the things she wants from me

Another year
I wish I didnt have to say

Another year
I wish it would just go away

Another year
Until it's over

If a circle had corners
Would the world
Make sense?

If the ocean was filled with sand
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could watch a wall
Warp and crumble
From just one touch
Would the world
Make sense?

If food made us hungry
Not full
Would the world
Make sense?

If being awake was a dream
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could be with you
And you with me
And live in safety
Would my world make sense?

I see the blade smile up at me
And the feeling flood my brain
So I smile back
Letting the blood do my greetings

I dance to my music as I smile
Finally seeing the cuts I always wanted
As a kid
Finally deep enough

Ten your old me smiles up at my thoughts
Seeing as I completed her dream
To bleed enough
To stain my dreams

Put your hands on me
For I only have substance
If I have a body

Put your hands on me
Ignoring every verbal
And silent plea

Put your hands on me
A girl barely formed
Underneath a monster

Put your hands on me
Fully grown
And fully used to the memory

Put your hands on me
As you force youself
Onto me

Put your hands on me
And cover my mouth
If I dare to speak

Put your hands on me
And silence me with threats
Of being taken away

Put your hands on me
Sexually
But if I dont listen
Physically

Put your hands on me
Forget your words of love
Forget the words of trust

Put your hands on me
Abandoning all morals
And all inhabition

Put your hands on me
And fill me with love
For only your touch
Makes me always sure
And always secure
But you want more than just mine

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime that I try to
My mind trails off
And turns the lines
Into sentences
And paragraphs

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime I try to
I have too much to say
And too much to write

I wanna write a poem about you
But everytime I try to
I think of all the reasons
I love you

Then my mind spirals
And wanders
Until I'm left with paragraphs
And lines with no flow
That spiral out of control

I live in a place
Where being alright
And being okay
Can't be reality
Unless I step outside of my head
Out of the body
That lays in my bed
And float onto a cloud
Of false dreams
False promises
And false hope

I grew up inside choas
Abuse
And trauma

Every turn I take
And every turn I took
Led to a door with a demon behind
Waiting and ready to taint my mind
My body
My soul
Until reality
No longer seemed
To hold much importance

If you know me
And you understand my reality
You'll understand why
Eventually within my mind
I'll run out of time

Cut one
For every word
That went undone

Cut two
For everything
Done by you

Cut three
For all the things
You pretend not to see

Cut four
For when I
Walked out your door

Cut five
For every night
I slept with wet eyes

Cut six
For all of your lies
And all of your tricks

Cut seven
For every childhood wish
To go to heaven

Cut eight
For everything that you
Blamed on a personality trait

Cut nine
For everytime that
I said "I'm fine"

Cut ten
For evertime i was told
That I'd be safe
Tell me when

Cut eleven
For wishing
That I could die at seven

Cut twelve
For every truth that I told
Left and forgotten on a shelve

Cut thirteen
For wishing that I could
Shower on my own and be clean

Cut fourteen
For wishing that I could
Lay down on the grass all green

Cut fifteen
For every single
Forgotten dream

Cut sixteen
For all the
Broken seams

Cut eighteen
For all the times
I was stuck between

Cut nineteen
For all the happy endings
Full of lies on screen

Cut twenty
For everytime
You touched my body

Cover me
In your love
And put your hands on my body
With your lust

I cover me
In cuts
And put the blade
To every inch of skin

You let
HIM
Near the house
With no guilt
Or regard to me

So I remove his hands
From my body
With a blade
And no guilt
Or regard to you

You watch
My every move
When I leave the room

I listen to
Your every word
When on the phone with
HIM

You talk
Of letting him back
Into the house
Where safety never was

So I sink
Into this bed
Where safety left
When I was touched

I always hated the days
That my ankles would betray
My functionality
But atleast I could bare the pain
And still walk away to escape
In a world of my own

And it wasnt so bad
Because I could
Push through the pain
And maybe even use it
To make the bad thoughts go away

But now its my brain
That has given up on me
And my legs will not let
Me stand on my own

And its the worst thing
I could imagine
Aside from HIM
Happening again

So when my legs collapse
Underneath the weight
Of my body

My mind also collapses
Under the weight
Of no escape

So would you
And could you
Blame me
If I lay here
And give up
If I lay here and die?

Born
Into a world
Of trauma

Things continue
To go downhill
Every single year
Of my life

They keep getting
WORSE
With only small snipits
Of being alright
Just enough to keep me
Hopeful and alive

But whats it all for
When life throws me out
Onto the floor
And continues to pour
My hopes
My dreams
My love
My sanity
Right down the drain

Worse
WOrse
WORse
WORSe
And WORSE

Fetch me from this place
Keep me eternally safe

Let me live in your arms
Please be my personal escape

I cannot face life
For the life I want
And possibly need
Is one where
My effort is required no more

Please
Goodbye
Please
Lie
Please
Let
Me
Go
And
Die
Peaceful­ly
Within
Your
Arms
In
A
Bed
Of
Your
Love
Before
I
Get
WORSE

I sit here
Blade in hand
But also beside me
As I try my best not to

But as I sit here
My mind floods with thoughts
And I begin to silently scream

Please
Dont let him
Near me

Please
Let me
Out of here

Please
Let me
Just be safe

Please
Give her
Back to me

Please
Dont
Leave
Me

Please
Dont
Use
Me

Please
Dont
Touch
Me

Please
Dont
Abuse
Me

Please
Dont
­Abandon
Me

Please
DONT
LET
HIM
BACK
IN
THE
HOUSE

For I fear for the day
Or maybe the night
That it happens
AGAIN
But you don't listen to my words
My please
My cries
For you to care

So please
Dont let it happen
Again
For I may not
Make it out
Alive

What's one more step
When my soul
Has already died?

Look at me
And see
How broken I've come to be
And **** with with me

Look at me
And see
The scars that litter my body
And **** with me

Look at me
And see
The horrible thoughts I hide away
And **** with me

This isn't what I want
But it's what people do
So if I play along
And let you use me
And abuse me
You're not playing me
But I'm playing you

So **** with me
And lets see
Who wins
This mental war

Your eyes are brown
The colour of the foundation
of earth
When I look into them
I feel stable and secure

Your hair reminds me of the crows
That scrounge and land
Always searching for something more
Always longing for something
Thats missing

You're tall like rose bushes
Or newly planted trees
Pricking people who get too close
But also liking the touch of tender hands
Tending to the things you need to stay
At peace

The sound of your voice
Reminds me of summer rain
It's a soothing sound
And warms you deep within
With the soft trickle of gentle words

You mesmorize me
Like the purple of the sky
After a setting sun

You remind me
Of the summer when you pull people in
With the promise of fun and adventures
But when you get drained
From everyone
You become the winter night
Casting all people back home
Leaving you on your own

You walk
And you walk
Hopefully
You never walk
Too far

At age 3
I began to see
That the world wasnt as kind
As it first seemed to be

I'd wake up to his voice
Loud and unrelenting
And I'd cry until
My eyes were dry

At age 5
I became sad
And tired
Losing the only friend I had

For my dog died
And could no longer protect me
So I cried
Until my eyes were dry

And every night after
I'd stay awake
Watching the cars drive by
My window
All night
Wishing once more
That she could be asleep
By my side

At age 8
We moved to a new place
And for a little while
Things were at peace

We lived in a campground
In a tent
Surrounded by other people
Some who I called friend

That was until
My friend split her head
And I watched her bleed
Unable to breath
Yet I was punished
And no longer able to see
The friend she had come to be

At age 9
Things fell apart
All because
He told me for the first time
That he loved me

But it was all lies
As he'd sneak into my room
Late at night
And steal the light
From my eyes

At this time
I also began to
Not wanna eat
Because
If I made myself
Skinny and sick
Maybe he wouldnt
Comment on my body

At age 10
I became the me
That I wish never became
Reality

I started to harm my skin
Hoping to bleed
So that the only reason
I was bleeding
Wasn't because of him

At age 11
My classmates
Started to ask me
Why I was always
Spending all day
Locked away
In the nurse's office

I would always just say
Oh
I'm just tired today
But the truth is that
I'd come to school
Crying everyday
And couldn't function
So they'd hide me away

At age 12
I ran away
They didn't even notice
That I was gone the entire
Beggining of the day

When I was found
I was yelled at
And called selfish
So that night
I tried to end my life

I didn't succeed
And after a bit
I started dating
People online

I was groomed
And used
And abused
But atleast someone
Wanted me

At age 13
I could no longer be
Living for the purpose
Of being for him

So I told my brother
Who betrayed me
I told my mom
Who decided
That it was me
Who had to leave

She'd visit me
Once a week
And always update
HIM
On me

So I started to change myself
So he couldn't possibly picture
Who I'd come to be
With this new family

And so that
The person who ***** me
Would no longer be attracted
To the person
They'd now see

At age 14
I started to change even more
For it didn't feel like enough
To me
And I didn't want to be recognized
If he were
To see me

Later that year
My mom also asked me
To once again
Come be with her
And live in a new place

It felt like a dream
Like everything would be okay
And I could live with a real parent
But I soon learned
That biological
Doesn't mean real

At age 15
He came back
Into the house
Into my life

And my home
Turned into
A cold dark
Nightmare
All over again

But I just told myself
That it was just that
A nightmare
It wasn't real
And I began to let myself
Be used
By partners

My body was the only thing on me
That people would love me for
So why not use it

Near the end of the year
I moved in
With someone
I didn't even think I loved
But he cared for me
And he liked my body

At age 16
I knew I loved him
And I always would
For he took care of me
And did his best
To shield me from all the bad people
That would harm me

Even though sometimes
He couldn't handle
What it meant to be
In love with me

And I began to learn
That I was more than my body

But then
I was also once again
***** by another
Who was supposed to be
A new friend

Now we are here
At age 17
I was put into an abusive
Foster home
And had to call the police
After walking to a gas station
For 2 hours
At 1 AM

I ended up
Back at my moms
At a place
Where I never feel safe

I was ***** by
Another two
People

One who I loved
And felt the most safe with
In such a long while

And another
Who was just supposed to be
A friend

I've been touched
Another two times
By someone my mom
Decided to be with
And decided to date

After she knew
She still stayed
With him

But now I'm at my end
Because
I can't get the feeling
Of his hands
Off of me

I lay awake because of you
Thinking of all the things i want to do

I want to sleep
I want to be able to be free
And leave my house
Without the thought
That you might be there
Lingering
As I stare
Frozen and incapable
Of repair

I remember that day
And everything that I felt for you
And everything we wanted to do

I remember the feeling of your hands
On my body
Roaming my mind and my soul
As you caressed my skin

I remember the feeling of your cracked lips
On mine
As we connected
And it felt as if
We were one

I remember the way you looked at me
And how I would duck and shy away
Afraid to let you know
What your gaze did to me

But you knew full well the affect
That you had on my body
My mind
And my soul

I don't regret
The soft carresing touch
The blade to my throat
When I tried to disobey
The way you would choke me
With the hands that
Touched my soul

I don't regret
The teasing for hours
Then when you left me devoured
And after you showered me with the warmth
Of the love you had to give
As you helped me wash myself
Along with you
Under the warm water
Connected still to your body

I remember falling asleep
In your arms
Completely at peace
Until I woke up
And once I left I knew
You had given too much of you
And thats the last I felt
Of your hands roaming my body

But
I don't for a second
Regret
You

I will cut the part of me
Where I feel
Your presence hovering

I will cut the part of me
That you loved the most
To look at and see

I will cut the part of me
That makes poeple
Lust after me

If I cut my face
Your gaze will travel
Down
Down
Down

If I cut my chest
Your gaze will falter and break
As you get angry at me

I can see you in my mind
Hovering over
The piece of me that is now damaged

If I cut the parts of me
That you always wanted to see
You will drown
In my memories

I run my hand along my leg
And feel the jegged edges
That each cut makes

I run my hand along my leg
This time absent of a blade
And I remember
How the blood had flown

Then I look up
And I dare to whisper
"I wish to do it again"

You ask me why I look so pale
I laugh and say
"I never leave my room"
But I can't tell you the truth
That I lost alot of blood last night

You laugh because
I fell asleep
In the living room
Which is something
I never do
I wake up and laugh along
Hiding from you
That I lost alot of blood last night

I sleep through the afternoon
And daze myself through the day
Half aware and half awake

Because I lost
Alot of blood
Last night

I dont wanna turn 18
I don't wanna watch
As all my dreams
Fade and fall
Into the dark

I don't wanna turn 18
Because i know
That once I do
I have to deal with everything
And even more
With the thought of losing
You

I know that once I turn 18
Everything that is easy
Is gonna become
So much
Harder

I have to apply
To get money
Just to survive

I have to beg my mom
To pay
For me to get help
Cuz otherwise
I'm stuck here for life
With no one
To take care
Of me

I have to deal
With the possibility
That I can't receive help
Or funds
And I just become stuck

And i have to deal
With the thought
That if you leave too
I'll become lost
And gross
Because I can't even shower
Or go out anywhere
If you do

If i do receive the supports
That i need
I have to apply
For so many things

A service dog
Money cuz i cant get a job
A careworker
And a friend or two
Because nobody simply
Just wants to be friends
With you when you're this broken

I don't wanna turn 18
Even though
There's more things I
Have access to

Sure I can now
Buy ****
And alcohol
And consume it legally
But I might fall on those
As addictions
Not once in awhile
Supplements
For fun

I'm spending my birthday with
YOU
And I'm happy to
Because I'm happy with
The things we do

But I fear
That may be
The last day
You see me smile
Or even breath
And if I survive
It may be awhile
Before I can truly
Say
That I'm
ALIVE

I'm hollowed out
From within
Feeling empty
And barren

Laying on my bed
Fading away
Into the thoughts
Of nothing
As my eyes begin
To unfocus
And everything around me
Begins
To
Fade
Away

Fading
FAding
FADing
FADIng
FADINg
FADING­

Gone

Im never sure what to say to you
But I know that anything I say
Would be way too true

Lately I avoid my feelings
So when I remember the way
I felt
When you held me in your arms
I feel as though I have to flee
From that very thought

I know you haven't been the best
And I want to lay on your chest
And try to make you smile
Make you feel okay
Once in awhile

I'm sorry if you don't like this poem
But I want to share it with you
Make it more true
And have you know
That I care for you

I hope one day
I can see you again
And put a smile on your face
And maybe give you a hug
To make you feel loved