What defines a hero? Are they always good? Do they not have their messy pasts? They are hero’s because they focus their futures on helping people. You might focus too much on others and forget about yourself sometimes but every hero has a fatal flaw. You might not be a mighty warrior like Hercules or Superman but you focus on healing people. Healing their wounded souls. I think it’s because you’re hurting too. I always did like the relatable hero’s the best.

I know you for a reason. We met for a reason. The second I met you, I fell in love. The second you met me, you finally felt something. And it scared you. I'm scared. Right now, I'm absolutely terrified.  because I thought it'd never feel like this. I thought it never could. I lost my favorite person, and now I've found them again and If god is real and things really do hapen for a reason than nicole lead me straight to you and no one will ever understand it, because we share the same soul and that's why we'll never work. Because we're the same. We're both sociopaths. Dad always told me sociopaths can love. But their love is limited. and he limited his to me, and i limited mine too absolutely everything. That's why it hurts so badly. He says I've fulfilled him and he cried. I cried. We sat holding hands crying for 2 hours because i  can't live without him, and the second I let him go, I was going to have to let him go for good. I'm walking away now. This is where I leave it. But that's a lie. I can't walk away from him and I never will because if you truly Love someone, and loving and being in love are not the same thing, than that never goes away so matter the pain or the distance. I love him. We think the same way. We share the same mind. He told me that once. He told me I'm the female version of him. He acknowledged it. But he's the broken one. I'm not some broken thing to be fixed or saved, I'm just a girl who needs to be loved. And he loves me. But he can't love me. He's not in love with me. Simply, because he can't love. And I still love him. ****, I ******* love him. 7 billion people, and we end in the same place at the same time and we have soemthing this special that no words but his and mine to each other can describe or express and for a moment that's enough. But what are the odds. What are the ******* odds of that. Under this moon.

You took away not only my body but my sense of saftey. Leaving only this empty shell and incessant paranoia. If only I had the courage to scream but it seems that you stole that too. Plucking everything that I was away from me one peice at a time. What did you do with all these peices? Do you still have them thrown in a box somewhere next to some old comics? Or did you throw them away just like you threw me away as soon as you found someone better?

I’m feeling lonely I should text a friend
-No. You will just bother them-
But I like getting texts from my friends maybe they like getting texts from me
-Are you kidding that would imply that they actually think of you as a friend-
But they said I was their friend
-You ignorant **** they’re just making fun of the fat girl. You don’t even deserve friends-
Everyone deserves to have friends and be happy
-Yes everyone does deserve to be happy. Too bad you’re just a grotesquely obese pig-
I’m not really that fat am I?
-You look like a pig stuffed in an ice cream cone. You’re actually disgusting and should die alone-
Maybe you’re right.
-Of course I’m right. I’m you. Would I ever lie to you-
I think I should know if you did
-Exactly. So we’re agreed then you may never text your friends because they don’t deserve to have their time wasted due to a useless nobody like us-
Yes we’re agreed

When you're more sick than you let on people don't expect you to crumple into a ball, choking on nothing, gasping for the precious air we take for granted. Sometimes death just likes to stare at me from across the room. Forcing the air out of my lungs causing every breath to feel like glue.  I've gotten very acquainted with death. The thought of death has become my home when my real home killed me inside. Things have changed though my dearest, Death. I have made a home within these new walls. I am at home with these new people that care about me more then "life long friends" ever did. When I started coughing I heard how scared you sounded. It finally hit me how much you cared. I made a silent vow to get better because for the first time in forever I had someone who would miss me when I was gone. I suddenly had a whole crowd of concerned friends who only wanted me to heal. I look at these people I live with and realize that no matter how lonely I feel I will never have to suffer alone. I might come from a broken home but I finally found a place where I belong.

I’m losing myself
Or at least the lies
That build the walls
For two whole years
That keeps me sane
That kept me whole
Cause what he did
Did take a toll
Now the dice I roll
Tell me to speak
Leaving the pain at it’s peak
Cause words aren’t real until they are
And speaking them has left a scar
The kind that makes you question who you are
Leaving my sanity in its wake
And I can’t even catch a brake
And I know that I have made it far
But I’m numb inside …

And when I’m not
I’m waiting for my blood to clot
Apologies running endlessly
Cause I’m ashamed of who I am
I like the mask
I like the persona I devised
The one I built up on those lies
And now they’re gone and here I am
More broken then I’ve ever been
A burden to the only friend
I’ve ever told those cursêd words
That show you what I truly am...

The lies are happiness I fear
And who I am is nowhere near
Being anything but sad
And a little hurt
And a little mad
The walls I built came crashing down
Now at my feet
in them I drown
I need to heal my broken heart
And I do not know where to start
Plus my grades have missed their mark
And honestly I want to die
But I’m to ******* scared to try
Jumping off the edge to fly
So I sit here asking why?
And pondering to myself
who am I?

A long long time ago I asked you what your favorite color was. You paused and said yellow. Up until then yellow was just a color but now. Now it’s everywhere. And every time I see yellow I smile because I think of you. You just radiate beautifully hopefull innocent optimistic yellow. And whenever I feel like the world is caving in and the minutia of it all has dragged me to the end of my strength. I see a dandelion, or a honey bee, or even a bottle of lemonade and it’s like we’re back in sophomore year sitting on your bedroom floor looking up cheesy pickup lines and playing killer bunnies. Even though you’re 900 miles away blessing a new territory with your grace. You know I’ll always love you to the giant black hole in the center of the universe and, though it is physically impossible, back. I’ll see you in Mormon heaven because I know you’re gonna baptize my name once I’m dead XD.

You?

If you could be someone else
And face the day a new
Would you still dislike yourself
Or be a perfect you
If you could change who you are
To be all that you dreamed
Would it actually satisfy
And be all that it seemed
Perhaps we should accept ourselves
Instead of trying to change
Laugh and smile as who you are
And not just rearrange

Sunshine helps. Sunshine helps on the days I lay around sinking deeper into my depression. The room always seems to be dark on those days. Sunshine helps. It may be a romantic point of view but I find nature soothing. The smell of rain never ceases to make me smile. Sunshine helps. It reminds me of me before depression. Back at camp. Making music. Making friends. I used to smile so much. Sunshine helps. I don’t smile anymore. Not like I used to. It’s more painful to do so now. Sunshine helps. I like to take the longest paths when I’m outside. I like the wind against my face. I like wandering aimlessly. It helps clear my head. Sunshine helps. Some where along the way I started associating you with sunshine. Maybe it was the light in your eyes. Maybe it was your warm smile. But since I’ve met you I’ve realized that things are going to be okay. Sunshine helps and you help me step into the sun.