Years sprawl backwards
Across the baren hills behind me
From this distance I see more clearly
The tangled knots of pain I tied so tightly
Trying to lock away the burn of loss
Trying to hide the sting of caring
The intricate dance of ropes
Gently cascading together
The ache is all connected
All the hurt melded into one system
Across the landscape of my history
Too many years pretending I didn't care
So much time spent shielding my eyes
Filling the space with distractions and
Convincing myself that I had to do life alone
Abandoning myself and my people
Under the false pretense of self-sufficiency
I traded showing up with vulnerability
For empty space and loneliness
Feelings I could hide and fill instead
Of risking rejection from those I love
I've cut connections with a blade
So sharp and unnecessary
Instead of trying to hold and support them
Knotting the end like a clean cut
When there's nothing clean about loss
Ignoring the burn like I didn't care
Until years later I can't run from it anymore

Back home for the first real time in 10 years
There's nowhere left to hide
The ropeburn aches across my limbs
Leaving tattered patterns along my skin
Now I'm trying to live inside the fire instead
Not running or hiding from the truth anymore
If I want to grow beyond burns and flames
Then I have to feel through all the pain

I'm embarrassed on some level
To still hold on to our memories
Not because of you in any way
But because I'm the one who left

I'm usually good at reconnecting
But with you it's been so different
I like to be open with my emotions
But I'm afraid to be this vulnerable

I think about that night when
I didn't look back as we parted ways
You thought I didn't care at all
But I was terrified by how much I did

We tried gaming as friends
And you bought me Pitch Black
I didn't tell you how I felt back then
Because I thought I'd just hurt you again

When we broke up
I told you I needed to find myself
While it probably felt like a lie then
It turned out to be the truth

I always hoped in my heart that
We'd be together again one day
And as bad as that sounds
I knew I wasn't good enough yet

If I'd have married you then
Instead of killing this on impact
I'd have disintegrated us slowly
And I couldn't do that to you

I want to tell you about my growth
About the therapy and my sobriety
I want to show you how I've changed
But it all feels so selfish

Because the truth is that
I wasn't ready to show up in 2015
And even though it's been this long
I never stopped loving you

We don't even know each other anymore
But these feelings won't go away
I doubt you even think about it still
Or maybe I'm scared it's just me

I've been torn over this for years
Although I trust how I feel
I'm afraid of what you'd say
Because you deserve only the best

And even if it makes no sense
I'm still scared to let you down

Spiraling
Thoughts.
They move through my head so
Fast
Its hard to keep up
But then a thought
Flying through the web of my mind
Gets caught
And sticks.
Unwavering.

...

"Did I turn off the stove?"
If I didn't
Fire
If fire
Dead pets
If dead pets
Dead me
If dead me
Pain to those I love.

...

The thoughts hit a wall.
There is a moment of pause.
"Everything is ok, I always turn off the stove."

....

Exhale.
Breathe.
Peace.

...

"But what if I didn't?"
It is back again
Clinging like a sticky-hand.
Fire.
Death.
Pain.
Until I notice
I'm doing it again.
Over
And over
And over again.

Bittersweetness is burning
Holes into my throat like an instrument
Attempting to give purpose to this
Air that I am breathing in

But noise without melody is chaos
There is no direction, no beat
There is no sheet music to follow along to
And sometimes I just need to breathe

This life is brutal and beautiful
A weaving together of joy and sorrow
Made up of perpetual deaths
Today's finality is the birth of tomorrow

But I want to walk the world with open arms
Let all emotions fully wash over me
And when the waves inevitably block my vision
I'll know it's only moments before I can see again

I'd say you take my breath away
But I'd give it to you if you asked
Wrapped in my arms, I feel your heart
Beat softly against my chest

I don't believe in God but
I swear this must be heaven
Your breathing slows as you drift asleep
Our limbs entwined together

I breathe you in like oxygen
You fuel the fire inside
It's peace and trust, inspiring
A love simple, yet divine

Each moment I am grateful
That the universe brought us together
You are the truest love I've ever known
Someone I will love and cherish forever

Handprints collide
All our warmth intertwined and
In the dewy space between
I feel your heartbeat echoing mine
Our foreheads pressed together
I'm begging for your soul to melt into mine
I want to mix with you like oil in water
But these bodies are so constricting
This life we walk is a lonely one
We seek closeness beyond our broken skin
And maybe one day when this life is done
Our souls can connect for eternity
I adore you with every ounce of my being
Within every imperfectly perfect moment
Beyond all words and understanding
I'll love you forever and forever after

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.