Thoughts spiraling, so endlessly
Spinning me in circles until I'm blind
Back and forth and back again
Until I don't know what's real anymore.
My brain whispers lies like sweet nothings
Telling me we'll never be what I need
That I'm dumb to want you this much
That I'll always be nothing real to you.
Sometimes I know the thoughts are lying
We talk about it and I promise I believe you
But the doubts are convincing too
And you can always find the evidence you look for.
I just want my brain to stop and slow down
I sow the seeds of my own misery along synapses
I can't imagine the strain this puts on your heart too
And I never wanted to cause you any pain.
My brain tells me I should just run away
That leaving could be best for you and for me
But I love you more than I've ever known
And running won't solve anything.
This well-worn path runs deep into my soul
Over and over again, in pain and in fear
I know they're all a part of the same problem
And I promise I'm fighting to find a way through this.

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one

I just want to play my music loud
Enough to blow my ******* brains out
There's so much happening all at once
The overstimulation makes me want to run
My system is overwhelmed by love and joy
But that's only one side of the coin
On the flip side, anxiety is everything
So much it feels like I am drowning

It feels so wrong to think of you
But even after all these years
We're still dancing in my dreams
I dont think I ever told you
But from that time I emailed you
I still thought we were meant to be
Writing usually feels easy
But with this I am terrified
I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy
I don't want to bring you pain
I don't want to be so selfish
But these memories can drive me mad
I read something you wrote before
From that last time we hungout
When you thought I didn't care
I was distant because I was scared
It'd been years and I still loved you
I hurt you, and I loved you
I never told you it back then
Because I felt I'd hurt you more
I'd done enough, without making it worse
I know it's a silly thing
Since we don't know each other now
But I want to
Back then I thought our story wasn't over
That we'd connect again once we were older
But now I live across the country
And I'm too afraid to say hello

I know it sounds odd
But you've been on my mind
It feels wrong to say
It's been such a long time

I wish I could call it random
But it only makes sense
Everything would've been different
If I were this Me back then

I said I didn't love you
But I just didn't understand
That love is more than a feeling
Or just somewhere you land

Our connection was special
We built so much together
But I was young and dumb
And you deserved so much better

When we met up years ago
You said we weren't meant to be
And I never told you
You still meant so much to me

I know it's been years and
I know we're not the same
But I wonder how it'd be
To catch up on that change

We acknowledged our history
When we spoke recently
Although we didn't talk long
It was extremely bittersweet

I don't know who you are now
And you don't know me
But I still feel a connection
And I care for you deeply

I promise I won't disturb you
I'll let the past be as it is
Just know I'm wishing you the best
I hope you find happiness

Everything about you is unexpected
From the vibe when we first spoke
To the safety and peace between us
When I first realized I liked you
I figured the feelings would fade away
Like ashes in the wind
Drifting into nothingness
I didn't think you'd like me back
Or that we'd ever really talk about it
Yet here I am stumbling over myself
Trying to process feelings I don't understand
A complicated and beautiful maze
Walls of green, laced with delicate flowers

Have you ever heard your truth
Echoed back to you from another's lips?
Like a droplet into still water
Their words reverberated through my soul
They mirrored back my struggle with trauma
With their walls of fiery anger
Holding onto rage like a lifejacket
We've been floating in similar waters
Preparing for battle in every moment
While we're the ones aiming the guns
Grasping so tightly to our secret truth
That one day the pain will **** us
We're acting like we're already dead
Before we ever learned how to live