Spiraling
Thoughts.
They move through my head so
Fast
Its hard to keep up
But then a thought
Flying through the web of my mind
Gets caught
And sticks.
Unwavering.

...

"Did I turn off the stove?"
If I didn't
Fire
If fire
Dead pets
If dead pets
Dead me
If dead me
Pain to those I love.

...

The thoughts hit a wall.
There is a moment of pause.
"Everything is ok, I always turn off the stove."

....

Exhale.
Breathe.
Peace.

...

"But what if I didn't?"
It is back again
Clinging like a sticky-hand.
Fire.
Death.
Pain.
Until I notice
I'm doing it again.
Over
And over
And over again.

Bittersweetness is burning
Holes into my throat like an instrument
Attempting to give purpose to this
Air that I am breathing in

But noise without melody is chaos
There is no direction, no beat
There is no sheet music to follow along to
And sometimes I just need to breathe

This life is brutal and beautiful
A weaving together of joy and sorrow
Made up of perpetual deaths
Today's finality is the birth of tomorrow

But I want to walk the world with open arms
Let all emotions fully wash over me
And when the waves inevitably block my vision
I'll know it's only moments before I can see again

I'd say you take my breath away
But I'd give it to you if you asked
Wrapped in my arms, I feel your heart
Beat softly against my chest

I don't believe in God but
I swear this must be heaven
Your breathing slows as you drift asleep
Our limbs entwined together

I breathe you in like oxygen
You fuel the fire inside
It's peace and trust, inspiring
A love simple, yet divine

Each moment I am grateful
That the universe brought us together
You are the truest love I've ever known
Someone I will love and cherish forever

Handprints collide
All our warmth intertwined and
In the dewy space between
I feel your heartbeat echoing mine
Our foreheads pressed together
I'm begging for your soul to melt into mine
I want to mix with you like oil in water
But these bodies are so constricting
This life we walk is a lonely one
We seek closeness beyond our broken skin
And maybe one day when this life is done
Our souls can connect for eternity
I adore you with every ounce of my being
Within every imperfectly perfect moment
Beyond all words and understanding
I'll love you forever and forever after

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.

Thoughts spiraling, so endlessly
Spinning me in circles until I'm blind
Back and forth and back again
Until I don't know what's real anymore.
My brain whispers lies like sweet nothings
Telling me we'll never be what I need
That I'm dumb to want you this much
That I'll always be nothing real to you.
Sometimes I know the thoughts are lying
We talk about it and I promise I believe you
But the doubts are convincing too
And you can always find the evidence you look for.
I just want my brain to stop and slow down
I sow the seeds of my own misery along synapses
I can't imagine the strain this puts on your heart too
And I never wanted to cause you any pain.
My brain tells me I should just run away
That leaving could be best for you and for me
But I love you more than I've ever known
And running won't solve anything.
This well-worn path runs deep into my soul
Over and over again, in pain and in fear
I know they're all a part of the same problem
And I promise I'm fighting to find a way through this.

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one