As days pass
I keep asking myself
Why I'm fighting
For something that's almost dead

My efforts are futile
But I don't want to let go
My will to fight isn't there either
But I don't want to stop fighting

The push away
Stronger that the pull in
But still I wanna push in
I wanna get back in
But what if there's no in anymore?

What if I wasn't meant to stay in?
Maybe I'm not wanted in there
I'm probably being laughed at
For not giving up
Maybe I should.

Lately these conversations
Have become more in my head
Rather than out of my mouth

Maybe it's me learning self control
Not to talk back at you
For your hurtful words and actions

Maybe it's me tackling compulsion
Not to reach out to you
Everytime I see you in my contacts

Maybe it's me learning not to act
On my impulsive impulses
Not to say just anything in my mind

Maybe it's me learning to deal
With my issues and my problems
Instead of letting them out there
Or going out to seek validation

They say to think before acting
Or is it talking before acting?
Probably both

How relieving
To feel the effect
Of having held on
To the wrong person
Wear off slowly
With the action of letting go

It hasn't been easy
But it gets better by the day
As I resist the urge
To call you when I'm in town
These days the urge isn't there

I don't even think about it
Like I used to
I don't feel the pain
Like I used to
I don't yearn to know
Like I used to

I didn't know
That the choice I made
Would make all this difference
Turns out it's true
That time actually heals

You didn't choose me
And I chose to let you go

Sometimes I feel like
The universe is conspiring
To make me suffer

Sometimes I feel like
You came to teach me a lesson
But seems I'm a slow learner

Sometimes I feel like
You came to unteach me selfishness
That class is proving to be a hard one

Sometimes I feel like
You were meant to teach me patience
Which is not going so well

Sometimes I feel like
You were supposed to teach me pain
That actually is making real progress

Sometimes I feel like
You came to teach me self control
Happening rather slowly though

Sometimes I feel like
I am supposed to be drawing my strength from you
Maybe that'll happen someday

Sometimes I feel like
I'm supposed to be gaining
But all I feel is loss

Maybe my pain is my gain
And my strength is my weakness
But how do I really feel?

You said you're getting married
Most people would say congratulations
But my present to you
Is these questions

What's your reason?
Do you love her?
Does she love you?
Do you care about her?
Does she care about you?
Do you make her happy?
Does she make you happy?
Do you want her?
Does she want you?
Are you doing this,
Because it's the right thing to do?
And do you want to do the right thing?
Are you afraid, Of what they will think?
Are you afraid, of feeling what you feel?
Are you afraid, of a repeat
For the last one had feelings?
You can be anything you want to be
You're an expert, remember?
You can make it how you want them to see
You're adept at it, remember?

As I let you go
All I wish is the best
At a successful marriage.

You said never to say never
But I'm saying it's time
To say never to the option
To the impossible option
And explore the favourable options
And have a happily ever after  

Go for it.
But first say never to this.

I long for those days
When you'd call three days later
And say "You have been silent"
Which was code for "I've missed you"
Because in those days
Three days was considered too long

I care about it, he doesn't
I think about it, he doesn't
I listen to words, he doesn't
I analyse moments, he doesn't
I relive the moments, he doesn't
I give meaning to words, he doesn't
I remember things he said, he doesn't

Turns out he doesn't
Feel the feelings
Not an ounce of love
Nor an inch of hate
Nothing.
He acts
He says
He doesn't
Mean any of it
Inside is a shell
That doesn't feel a thing.

I gave this my all
I gave you my all
I loved you all the way
I supported every one of your plans
I planned every one of them with you
I critiqued it all with love
And some, I did entirely
I loved, I cared, I trusted, I gave all
But you had to stick it in my face
You just had to betray my trust
You had to make a fool of me
You had to disrespect me this much

As tears trickle down my face
I feel lost
I feel dejected
I feel hurt
I feel devalued
I feel tossed off
As I cry myself out
I remember all those days I stood by you
I relive the time I was happy with you
I remember how high I thought of you

It hurts
That I thought you were different
That I thought you stood out
That I thought I was enough for you
That I thought you were happy with just me
That I thought you were the best thing that happened to me
That I gushed so much about you
To my friends you were the best
You were what everyone dreamed of
You were all we'd wished for
But alas, I was wrong
You are greedy
One isn't enough for you
My love wasn't enough for you
My attention wasn't enough for you
My concern wasn't enough for you
Nothing of mine was

These nights, I hate
Tonight is one of those nights
I have tears flowing out of my eyes
Instead of closed eyelids
When you're ruling like a little tyrant
When your little adorable self is nowhere in sight
And I'm managing the worst emotion

These nights are a test of my patience
They are a measure of my ability to stay focused
They are a test of my ability to stay sane
In the midst of the madness
That is my overwhelming emotions
They are a test of my ability to put you first
Not that I do have another choice
At times I can control it
Other times it gets too much
Sometimes I cry too much
Other times I just stare at you blankly
I want to ask you why you can't just let me
Get this precious thing I've waited all day to have
But I can't. Because you can't.

Then after several minutes, or hours
Of a mixture of self control and overreaction
I get what I wanted
I guess when you have to do things alone
You learn to wade through the mud that is your emotions
You learn to be strong in your weakness
You learn to give yourself a pat
You learn to encourage and admonish yourself
Because only you, can make yourself better
Or worse
And tonight, I choose better.

I know you have questions
But I'm not proud of their true answers
So no, I will not answer
I know you think I'm being rude
I'm probably being rude
And selfish
But don't we all have those moments?
When we want to tuck the truths in our heads?
When we don't want to admit how we really feel?
When we don't want to say what we really want?
When we don't want to tell what really happened?

If you read their poetry
You will learn so much more
Than you would if you talked to them

Their thoughts and opinions
Their feelings and emotions
Their values and virtues

Because it's who they are
They are quiet souls
They are loud poets

I love you
But seems tolerance
Is something I'm gonna have to learn
The hard way

You are ambitious
But you force your ideas through
You make comments
With the intention of hurting people
You get so worked up
When you don't get your way
You call out to people
For absolutely no reason
You exaggerate mistakes
And downplay achievements
You want to control everything
Including other people's lives
You are quick to offer help
And quick to complain about helping
You have a kind heart
And one full of entitlement
You cringe when people talk about you
Even when they are praising you
You want to be successful
Mainly because you value your image
You are quick to place blame
And nothing is ever your fault

You are this person
I really look forward to seeing
But a day spent with you
Is too much to handle

You are Ambitious
You are Determined
You are Kind
You are caring
You are generous
You are hardworking
You are responsible

You are painful
You are hurtful
You are discouraging
You are a bully
You are controlling
You are a dictator
You are belittling

Your words, slice like a sword
Your actions, attack like a predator
Your mood, destroys like the plague

How I wish I could rid myself of you
But you're the only one who's got my back
You'll always come to my aid
After my sitting through those sentiments
Uttered with the intention to hurt
Sometimes intending to gloat
And stress on how important you are
I want to walk away
But even then I'd still need you

Sometimes you have to face your fears
Tell them that you are no longer afraid
Make hard decisions and be okay
With the possibility of failure
Because even if you fail
You can and you will
Rise again.

I'm putting in lots of hours
I know I need help
You know I need help
You want to offer help
But I don't know if I should let you
The way you do things
It's careless
It's reckless
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do much more
Than I would have if I don't let you

I love how you smile
To my 'I love you '
As if to say you know
That you are the reason for my smiles
And frowns as well
As if to say you know
That I love you without effort

I love the way you repeat
After my calling you baby
As if to say you know
That it means you are my world
That you are the reason I work
Hard to get you the dream
The joy of being happy
The joy of being loved
Exactly how you should be

I'll stay happy
Though sometimes sad
When you aren't happy
Though sometimes angry
When you are being difficult
Though sometimes sorrowful
When you don't get what you need
But never will my love waver
Because you are indeed
Something to live for

Sometimes I delete your messages
So I don't see you
At the top of my messages list
Then I would be tempted to text
And when I do
I wouldn't want you to see it
And then I would delete it
Then you would ask why I deleted it
And I wouldn't know what to say
Because just like everyone else
I'm afraid to admit exactly how I feel

Stop asking if I'm fine
You know very well I'm not
You know precisely why I'm not fine
You know because you are the reason
You know I'm hurting and in pain
It makes you happy to know this
It makes you validated
On the effect you have on me

Stop telling me to have a lovely day
You know very well I won't
You are well aware of my mental state
You are aware of how my day will go
You know because you caused it
You know I'll think, be sad, be angry and cry
You are well schooled on who I am
You know my reaction to things like this

You know everything.
The pretence is not welcome.
Stop. Asking. Hoping. Wishing.
You want to absolve your guilt
To seem caring and concerned
I know you. You aren't any of these.
You are just guilty.
Not remorseful. Just guilty.

I know I complained about you
I know I wanted you here
But I'm happy you said No
I'm happy you're no longer here
I'm enjoying the independence
Of making decisions alone

I'm loving your absence
Looking back at it now
At who your really are
Remembering your personality
That which I was blinded to

I thought you were protective
But you were really controlling
I thought you were loving
But you were really selfish
I thought you cared
But it was only about you

Surprising how you can see clearly
When you take off the rosy glasses
How you can reason rationally
When you get that reality check
How you can be responsible
When you learn that you're alone

Take me back
To the lovely days

Days you didn't fuss
Over my reaction
To your reaction
Days you didn't over analyze
My words and my actions
Days you didn't expect anything
Days you gave without expecting
Days you called only when needed
Days you didn't agonize over missed calls
Days you didn't jump
On my name in your call screen
Days you didn't stress
over how you looked to me
Days you were confident in your dress
Days you didn't value my opinion
Over your own self worth
Days you didn't let me
Define your mood that day
Days you didn't let my reply
Dig a hole in your heart
Days you weren't obsessed
With the idea of me

Because if you really knew me well
You wouldn't want me.

Why do you always assume
That complimenting you
Means I like you?
That greeting you
Means I want a conversation?
That conversing with you
Means I want advice?
That my taking time to look good
Means I wanna be hit on?

As you drag me out of bed at 5am
With an assurance that I won't go back
I can't help but think
That you're stealing from me
And that's the beauty of having you
You make me do amazing things
And I can't help but wonder
That someday I will be complaining
That you are sleeping too much

I saw you last night
You weren't really there
But I saw you there
You've refused to leave my mind
Choosing to stay
Without knowing you are

Because of you
My good memory is my best enemy
It dredges up everything
In minute detail
Bringing the excruciating truth
Of the always brewing feelings

The need to feel is strong
My blessing now becomes a curse
As with every memory I feel
Reliving the details to a tee
Breeding more wanting
Regardless of my wisdom

I gave you the lead
Deferred to your self control
But in the presence of the danger
You run towards it
You keep poking the bear
As you enjoy the thrill of it all
Because all that matters is the moment

And for you
Leaving the moment
Leaves the moment behind
And on to busy things you go
Leaving the memories behind
Living your best life
Oblivious of the chaos you leave behind

I sit looking at the evidence
The evidence of your rejection
The rejection that I feel strongly
That you repeatedly inject in me
While pretending everything's normal

I told you you'd hurt me
You didn't see how you could
But now it's indeed happening
Much to your obliviousness
And you don't seem to care
Because to you, effort is a myth

I told you there'd be a change
I see it clearly, I feel it strongly
Now that my eyes have been opened
And my heart deeply cracked open
By the strong feelings you said you held

With you there's no consistency
It's a sharp fluctuation
From the scalding heat
To the freezing cold
From the strongest of holds
To the scariness of the free falls
From the deep focused attention
To the profound callousness

You ignite the mixture of emotions
That gives rise to the confusion
Cutting deeper each day
Making the toxicity come alive
With no way to get back to health
Because the torch has already been lit

Will you remember
Or will you forget
The first time you saw me?
The first time you held me?
The first time you were attracted to me?
The first time you cared for me?
The exact moment you fell in love?
The first time you kissed me?
The first time you spent time with me?
Our first time out together?
The fisrt time you didn't wanna let go?
The first time you couldn't resist
The urge to call?
The first time I was on your mind
For the whole day?
The first time you couldn't wait
To see my pretty face?

Will you remember
Or will you forget
The first time you didn't miss me?
The first time you hated my calls
The first time you didn't wanna talk to me?
The first time you stopped caring?
The first time you couldn't stand me?
The first time you lost interest?
The first time you let go?
The exact moment you lost the love?

Will you forget?
Or will you remember?

I want to have friends
The kind that are absolutely free
To say anything that comes to mind
The kind that have no reservations
In conversations and opinions
The kind that are blunt
In honesty and giving advice
The kind that I would go to
So they talk me out of bad decisions
Or to encourage my difficult decisions

The kind that would know what I need
In any situation I'm in
Who know when I need a cup of tea
Who know when I need to be dragged out
Or to be pulled out of a bad choice
To be pushed to reach my potential
Who know how to make me have fun
How to make me laugh
In the worst circumstances

The same feeling that gives you that goofy smile
Is the same one that gives you that worried face

The same feeling that makes you happy
Is the same one that makes you sad

The same feeling that makes you do incredible things
Is the same one that makes you do dispeakable things

The same feeling makes you sleep well at night
The same one makes you not sleep at all

The feeling that motivates you
Also crushes your spirit

The same one filling you with tears of joy
Is the same one filling you with tears of sorrow

The same feeling giving you energy
Is the same one making you weak

It's 3am and you are up. Not just up but seated, playing. And you are smiling with your eyes wide open. Not to me, you already know that I'm in no smiling mood. To be precise, I'm teary and grumpy.

It has been several tries and I've given up. Several of those moments where  you begin crying once your body hits the mattress. I don't know how you do it, seconds ago you were sound asleep in my arms.

I've managed an hour or two of sleep. That was after three hours of those episodes. The ones with ten or twenty minutes intervals, between my achievement of putting you to sleep and something else deciding you should wake up. It's not your fault, you can't control anything anyway.

Soon you'll be yawning and dozing off. And of course crying to be put to sleep. Then we'll start again. That is, until the **** decides that it's 3am and he needs to do his job. And his brothers need to crow too. Before I know it, it'll be daylight, and grandma will always be there to accuse mama of oversleeping

Let's take pictures
Not together
But of each other
So when you look at the picture
You remember the moment
Not because you see me there
But because you relive the moment
All over again

Don't you love the feeling
The one that music brings?
The nostalgia of the moments
That the song brings out?
The memory of the feelings
That the rhythm lets you relive?
The recollection of the experiences
That the beats makes you go through?

The pleasure that seeps through you
When you remember the first time you heard it?
When you relive the moments
As you listen to the song?
The vividness of the experience
That the song reminds you of?
When you replay them again
Like a movie in your head?

There used to be a time
When all I wanted was you
When the idea of a future
Was only possible with you
When you were all that I ever dreamed of
When I could see all I'd need in you

Now that I look back
I was overeager and inexperienced
All I saw in you was an illusion
I only saw what I wanted you to be
Sadly, that's no longer wanted here

Now that I've seen what you became
I'm glad I never got the chance to decide
I'm happy you chose another
I'm happy that I never had a chance
Because I'd have made the wrong choice

As I lie in bed I stare
At the picture on the wall
It's not a picture of you
But it's a You picture

Every time I look at it
I see you
I see your efforts
To make it look like that
I see your thoughts of me
To make it for me
I see your attention to detail
To make it perfect for me
I see the sacrifices
You made to make me happy
I see the love
Pictured all over

I see me in the picture
The way you made it to resonate
With my feelings and emotions
The way you made it to exhibit
What was going in my mind
The way you made it to reveal
My fears and hesitations
The way you made it to unearth
Ideas I didn't know I had
The way you made it to convey
My dreams and fantasies
The way you made me be in view
Of myself
From a perspective I didn't know existed

It's not a picture of me
But it's My picture

Have you ever
Felt unwanted
Felt like you were a burden
Like it was a struggle to accommodate you?
Like they didn't want you
But they didn't want to really tell you?
Like they wanted you out
And passive aggression was how they said it?

Have you ever
Been rejected
Without being told so?
Been made to feel unwelcome
By those you thought wanted you?
Been told that you were unwanted
Inaudibly yet loudly?

It is hurtful
To find yourself having the reality check
From thinking you had a support system
From thinking you were loved
To knowing that you were being tolerated
To knowing that it was a facade
That they put on for someone's benefit
From thinking someone had your back
From thinking you could let go and let them
To knowing that you are on your own
To knowing you have been on your own
For a very long time
Without the realization that you were

I have these moments
Something always triggers them
It could be a movie conversation
It could be a weird thing happening around me
Or maybe something that's not happening around me
Leaves me wanting to reach out to someone
But no one's usually there
At least no one is usually really there
At least not in the right way
Or in any fulfilling way
You see, I created this for myself
I put myself in here
Because I wasn't careful
At least not careful enough
Not enough to look into the future
But then maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing

It all started with passion
And then your decisions
Ones that were very selfish
But look where that brought me

I've learnt so many things
It has taught me to love
Not just love, but unconditional love
It has taught me selflessness
I've learnt to give precedence
Someone else's needs over mine
It has shown me beauty
That within and that which I created
I have learned resilience
After crying so many times
I've learned it's okay to cry
I've learned to face my feelings
To check my actions before I take them
To be rational
Even when my feelings attempt to cloud judgement
To persist
Even when the going gets tougher

The best thing about it all
Is I learned it the hard way
And that's what makes it all beautiful
That wouldn't have happened
If you had stayed
And kept lying to me

The truth is that it hurts
Everytime I want to reach out but can't
Everytime I reach out and you're not available
Everytime I want your attention but you are busy
Everytime you say you will call and you never do
Maybe it's time
To wake up and smell the coffee
That maybe I'm becoming too attached
Or perhaps too needy
I've probably created expectations
Yet I told myself I wouldn't
Maybe I'm losing my friend
Maybe you are losing my friendship
Yet I said I'd never leave
Or maybe my mind is too idle
I don't want to lose you, my friend
Neither do I want you to lose my friendship
But this is indeed
The truth

I met him
The guy who replaced you
Where we used to meet
He did something
Something I thought only you
Only you would understand
Only you would relate to

It was hard to resist
The urge to call you
And rant about it
Make sarcastic jokes about it
And laugh about how
He was making do
In the terrible job you had

But then I checked myself
I realized I just found
Someone who gets my sarcasm
Someone who gets me
Someone I wanna share stuff with
And that's how it went
The urge to be reckless
To reach out to you

Amazing, isn't it?

It's Friday
It's 8pm
She just got into town
The village girl just got into town
She watches the sea of people
As they walk by her
They mesmerize her

Some walk fast to get somewhere
Maybe home
Maybe some hot club
Some walk alone
Some walk in groups
Some walk in pairs

She especially sees the pairs
She doesn't understand
How they walk confidently
Interlacing fingers
Showing affection
Being proud
To be in love
In public.

She's never seen it before
In her village it's an unofficial taboo
No one talks about such love
But people marry
It surprises her

And with each passing couple
A giggly couple radiating love
She asks herself
Whether she'll be that girl Someday

Sometimes you irritate me
But I can't tell you
You will tell me how I'm not entitled
To an opinion about my parent's behaviour
You will tell me how I should do anything you say
Regardless of what I actually want
Sometimes you do things
Or don't do things
But I can't ask why, or why not
You will tell me how other things are more important
You will tell me that I shouldn't question you
Or that that's being extravagant
While the truth is that you can afford it
You will not admit your mistakes
You will not admit that you're wrong
You will not admit that you're hurting others
You will not accept that you didn't do your duty today
You will not admit that you were not careful buying groceries
It will be someone else's fault
Just. Not. Yours.
It will be someone else's mistake
Just. Not. Yours.
And how you are always being negative
About everything, and everyone
It. Just. Gets. To. Me.

I love how you hold on to me
To my clothes rather
Like I'm your only hope
Like I'm all you've got

I love how you follow me
Through the room with your eyes
As if you don't want to let me go
As if you want to go with me

I love how you loop around
To find where I'm at
When all you were doing in my arms
Was wail and wiggle

I love how you laugh at me
When you are on another's arms
As if admitting how you enjoy
Playing games with me

I love how look at me
Before you make a decision
As if looking for approval
Showing you value my opinion

I love how you reach out for my plate
As if you're interested in my meal
But you're only jealous
Of the attention I'm giving my food

I miss those Fridays
I miss the journeys
The looking forward to seeing you
The continued anticipation as I approach the city
The elation from knowing you would be waiting for me
The look in your eyes when you saw me
The happiness in your voice when you said hi
The warmth of your tight embrace

I miss those Friday night surprises
I miss the suspense of your surprise for the night
The quiet walks in the city
The cool conversations at restaurants high up
Bingeing on shakes and chips
Reminiscing on how we came to be
Looking into our future
Freely talking about our ugly sides
Talking about how we are lucky to love
How incredible it is that we found each other

I miss those cool nights
I miss walking along empty city streets
Talking as we relished the coolness of the night
I miss holding your hand as we walked the streets
The calmness of walking beside you
How safe I felt walking with you

I miss the late nights
Walking to catch the bus past ten
Getting home fast without traffic
Walking home just before midnight
Getting home with tired legs and a full stomach
Tired from walking, stuffed with junk food
Getting lost in the bliss of being together

I told you to stay away
I told you to block me
I told you not to pick my calls
I told you not to call
I told you not to text
Because I knew you wouldn't if I didn't
At least not for a long while

Our friendship then was toxic
It always becomes
When one friend crushes on the other
And the other doesn't feel a thing
Am glad you didn't feel
Am glad you didn't reciprocate
Am glad I had to get over it
Because I couldn't have gotten this tough
And be able to love this truly

It was difficult
But I'm glad it happened
It was a dark tunnel
One that I had to go through
To get an amazing new light
An incredible fresh start
To love right
To be loved as I should be
To be appreciated for loving
Exactly how it should be