Today I was mad
Today I was alone
Today I felt ignored

Then I reached out
Out of myself and looked at others
That's when I got the check

The reality that I was selfish
The reality that you needed me
More than I needed you

I asked God for you
That you may see outside your darkness
That you may experience
That you who you think you lost

I gave myself a pep talk. I decided to put aside the emotions and feelings. I decided to look at it factually. Then it became clear.

That I'm your friend and it's my job to be there for you. That being there means understanding you and your life. Understanding that you won't always be available. That it means being there regardless of what's happening in your life, in my head or in my life.

That being your friend means respecting your choices even when I don't agree with them. That it means respecting your relationships. That respecting you means telling you when you're making a mistake and not judging you for your mistakes.

That being your friend means knowing you. Knowing who you are, what you are, what you want  and what you don't want. It means knowing what you need and helping you get it. With a pure heart.

That being your friend means cutting out expectations. Not expecting it back the way I gave it. Letting you give it how you know and appreciating it.

That doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It means I choose not to let them run our friendship. It means I look at it rationally.
That doesn't mean I won't express my feelings. I will.

It's 1am and I can't sleep
Insomnia has invaded
Not for the usual reasons today

It's care
I'm surprised by how much care there is
It is surprising how much care there can be

On this one night that he chose to let me
I couldn't have it
Funny how you can't have it when you want it most

How I would want to get some sleep
But how can you control
Something you have no control over?

I don't need you
To say you love me
I can hear it before you speak
I don't need you
To say you miss me
I can feel it in your words
I don't need you to say
You can't wait to see me
It's laced in the words you speak
I don't need you to say you care
It's evident in what you do for me
You don't need to say I'm special
It's evident in how you treat me

Yes, you don't have to say it
But I want you to keep saying it
Even more
Because it turns out
I'm in too deep

She's alot like you
She loves you
But she forgets to say it
Just like you forget to say it

I'm never going to forget
That I loved you
And you rejected me
Not once.
Not twice.

I'm stunningly confused
But utterly intrigued

She does run a bit hot
In the crazy department
So I had to step out
To take some me time
While she gets her fire danger level
From catastrophic
To low moderate
But ****,
Her blaze
Is a glorious thing to behold

Sometimes I wanna call
Then I remember
How repulsive you would be
And I  just let it hurt instead.

I thought I understood it
That I could grasp it but i didn't
Not really
Only the smudgeness of it
The pink slippered
All containered
Semi precious
Eagerness of it

I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole
That the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea
Because it's the haves the have you and have
Didn't know, don't know about the in betweens of it
The gory bits of you
The gory bits of me

You are suffering
Because you love her
Even if you won't admit it

Why did you end the other one?
You said she didn't respect you, anymore
That says she did, respect you
At some point, you were happy
You did start well, together

So how will you start it with this one?
This one who doesn't respect you?
This one who doesn't care about you?
This one who's not your friend?
This one walking all over you?

Don't you think
Getting into an unhappy marriage
Is signing into your own suffering?

It's amazing
The ability to turn a setback
Into something funny
Into something beautiful
Into something to smile about
To turn it upside down
And let it bring happiness
Instead of sadness
Apparently, it's true
Life's what you make out of it

I want you to be busy
So much that you don't call
I want you to be caught up
So much that you forget about me
I want you to fall in love
So hard that you don't have space for me
I want you to make friends
So great that you don't need me
I want you to have a family
So close that you don't want me
Then maybe
Just maybe
I can get over these feelings
And begin to forget you

I used to think about you, alot
Then life changed
I realised it didn't matter at all
Because what I thought
Wasn't going to change a thing
You were determined to leave
Without a thought about those you left
As if you never mattered
But maybe that's what you thought
That you didn't matter
Or maybe I failed to show
That maybe you couldn't see
Or didn't want to see
That I didn't just care
But cared a great deal

I guess you assumed life would move on
Yeah, it did
But not as usual
You said it wasn't the life you wanted
But I didn't want you out of my life either
How can I learn to create
And make more true friends
If the only one that made it make sense
Applied the assumption
That everyone leaves
On himself?

I'm afraid if I stay,
I may never leave.

I'm your weakness.
You're my kryptonite.

I can't stop thinking about you
I know you said it's not wise
But the heart does not know wisdom
And the body wants what it wants
I know these are dangerous desires
But the illicit is way more attractive
And the thrilling feelings unmatched

I know the push and pull is strong
But I have faith in your conviction
And I believe in your self control
So go ahead and take the lead
Because I believe in your skills
And I know if I lead
We'll go where it isn't wise to be
And lose everything in the process

What did you mean
When you said you wanted to get to know me
Were you interested in my faults?
Or did you just go for the virtues
Did you want to know the vices?
Or the accomplishments were just enough

What did you mean
When you said you liked me
Did you like my scars?
Or you were just attracted to the niceness outside
Did you like my brokenness
Or you just wanted me when I was put together

What did you mean
When you said you understood me
Did you know what I was really made of
Or you just took the facade I put on for show
Could you really feel the pain, or the joy?

What did you mean
When you said you knew me
Did you know my vulnerabilities
Or you just knew my fake confidence
Maybe you knew my weaknesses
But what did you do about them
Did you know when I was really sad
Or happy, or angry
And was trying to hide it from the world?
Did you know what I really needed
To make me feel better?
Did you know how I wanted to enjoy my moments?
Did you even know what those moments were?
Did you know when I was truly myself
Or when I was really trying hard to control myself
And when all these feelings came easy?
Can you describe where I'd be
If I'd disappeared?
Can you really give a true testimony of me?

If you didn't know what it feels like
To be unloved
By those supposed to love you
You wouldn't know what it feels like
To be dearly loved
By someone who didn't need to love you
But chose to love you

If you didn't know what it feels like
To lack support
From the people you call family
You wouldn't know what it feels like
To have unconditional support
From someone who doesn't need to support you
But wants to support you

If you didn't know how it feels like
To be treated with contempt
From the people you look up to
You wouldn't know how it feels like
To be cared for
To be respected
To be encouraged
To be told to race for your dreams
By someone who just cared for you
Without expectations

Yes, it is okay
To be in disbelief
To not be sure if this is really happening
To wake up every morning
Wanting it to last forever

You are taking away my precious things
Without knowing you are
You are denying me my most valued times
Without knowing you are
You are giving me headaches
Without knowing at all
You are causing tears in my eyes
Without knowing you are
You are taking away my happiness
Without knowing you are
You are consuming my thoughts
Without knowing you are
You are taking control
Without knowing you are
You are taking away so much
And you have not a clue
It's not your fault
It's way beyond your control
But this, is what you are doing to me
And I can't do anything about it
And that *****

How can you be so irritating
Yet so nice
How can you be so negative
Yet so ambitious
How can you be so hardworking
Yet such a *****
How can you be so loving
Yet so talented at back biting
How can you be so nice to her
Yet turn around and gossip her

It's like you're two people
But you're amazing at being both
You make me miss you
But can't stand you five minutes later
You make me want to be like you
Only to reconsider that minutes later

Like an elastic string
You stretch then pull back
So fast I lose track
I want to know who you really are
But that's a disastrous mission
For now I'll keep jumping back and forth
Between those two people
Interesting, isn't?

The more I get to know you
The more I lose interest
I am surprised that I like that
Because I didn't expect any of this

I thought I'd be yoked
To the feeling that is you
But I'm loving the gradual release
The slowly letting go of you

I'm looking forward to freedom
The 'No longer' feeling
The lack of impulsive response
The lack of the longing
The absence of the 'lighting up'
The travel back home
That is the place I was before you

I know I broke up with you
But I miss you

Not the you I broke up with
The you I fell in love with
The you who made my days smiley

Not the you that made my heart ache
The you who lit up my face
The you who smiled when I called

Not the arrogant you who got comfortable
The you who strived to make us happy
The you who cared about me

Not him who was okay away from me
The you who thought of us all the time
The you who called just to hear my voice

I miss him
The one who is long gone
The one who loved me.

I love how you concentrate on it
Even when you are not seeing a thing
How you scream out
Not sure if it's joy or frustration
How you move through phases
In minutes or even seconds
How one minute you laughing out loud
And the next you got tears flowing
How you make rules
Even about meals and mealtimes
How you smile
When your clothes are being taken off
And how you're all grumpy
When the same clothes are put back on
And your incredible ways of saying no
Lovely, isn't it?