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 Aug 2018 Maxwell Clouse
sophia
long hair cut short.
apology after apology.
jackets often worn,
if not, sweaters or
long-sleeved tops.
anti-social,
not because
i hate people,
but i fear they hate me.
isolation in my bed,
sometimes,
panic attacks
in the bathroom.
constant overthinking,
whether 3 am or 3 pm.
scribbles thoughts
into poems,
but hides them.
pushes away,
even though i want
to pull them closer.
just a few sentences on (my) signs of depression.
 Aug 2018 Maxwell Clouse
sophia
and now,
we're just strangers,
who love each other,
a little too much
oh how i wish i could go back to the past
 Aug 2018 Maxwell Clouse
sophia
i am not
letting you go,
but i will not
hold on to you, either
the art of staying in the middle
 Aug 2018 Maxwell Clouse
sophia
engulf me
drown me
submerge me
find a way into every crevice
of my face, my hands, my body

spend time with me
get to know why i'm always awake at 3 am
and why the dark terrifies me

know all my secrets
to the point that i'll feel bare
even when i'm fully clothed

love me
hate me
take control of me
leave me broken and bruised
more than i'll ever be
another kind of love story
the sun burns everything it touches
or at least that is what they say
and if that is true
and if I believe that
then maybe you were my sun
no matter how much you hurt me
I still held onto you like you wouldn’t rise again tomorrow
and even though you hurt me
you also made me grow
like a plant I soaked up your energy and we became one
but now it is night and you have gone
and like a planet I have shriveled into nothingness with the lack of you
and I cant wait till morning so you’ll be back again
since I lost you i’ve been searching

everywhere to find what we had

I search in

people
    books
        friendships
            music

but I can’t find it

what we had wasn’t something you can find in an object or a warm body

what we had was a rainfall during a drought

water for the thirsty

food to the hungry

what we had was something I needed and longed for

and i’ll never have that again
if you could read my mind
oh, what you’d find
I think about our first date
when you got that peanut butter milkshake
and you knew I hated peanuts so you didn’t kiss me
these are things I just wish I couldn’t see
like your red Chevrolet truck
and the place where we first made love
when you told me you loved me
on highway 220
I want to erase them from my mind forever
but even if I had the chance, would I ever?
those moments made me who I am today
and now let me know how I should be treated someday
so when the next one comes along
he has a lot to live up to
because no one will ever love me the way that you do.
what is love?

love is soft brown hair
dark brown eyes that are slightly green in the middle
love is 6’1
in khaki pants
love is a yellow tie I bought you at JCPenny
and the navy blue blazer I picked out for you

what is love?

love is an odd sense of humor
and a laugh that makes my head spin
love is Sunday morning with you
listening to Blonde by Frank Ocean
love is sharing cookout french fries
at 2 in the morning

what is love?

who am I
to subject love to one person
something so large
something so beautiful
created by my God
shouldn’t be held back by one body
one soul

what is love?

love was him
love was every moment
every touch
every thought I had of him

what is love?

love is eating my favorite cereal
love is my favorite song when I’m alone on a Monday morning
love is singing in the shower
love is wearing my favorite dress
love is dancing all alone
love is me

what is love?

love is not you anymore
every time i try and get over you
just to feel someone else touch
i still feel your lips and i still feel your hands on the small of my back
and i still hear your voice over and over
its like a broken record that plays every time i try moving on
and they always ask why i cant fully commit to them
why i cant have *** with them
why i cant give my all to their relationship

and the answer to that is you when you left
you didnt only take my heart
you also took all the love left in it
i cant tell them that.
i cant tell them i gave my heart to a ******* fool.
i cant tell them i cant get over you.
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