Its like a shattered heart
the mess drains everywhere
infiltrates into everything
covered like mud
covered in blood shacked
blood stained
mired  veins
it drips
;
my nature that was once
so sacred to me
like a shelter
is now muddled too
with the  same pain
with the shame
of ****** assault !

I've been through it so so many times
yet after each time I shudder
violently
as if to  ask myself
but why ??
why how could you ??!!
cause me and others
so much pain
so much horror
and trauma
that the soiled faces of all those
who have betrayed me
and hurt me
come up
unfiltered
in my memory bank
but I feel afraid to feel them
yet see them
because the pain
I feel
puts everything at stake
so I hide it from everyone
even myself
pertending that I am okay
but inside ,well not really
especially not when it comes to this!
I would love to know true love
without abuse or terror
and I am still waiting for that
and I won't ever give up !

I think I am starting to truly understand who I am
I was born into the world as an ultimate
pattern disrupter
as society's taboo,
I show people their shadows,
treated as an outcast for forever in my past,
now I am working on loving myself fully,
and radical acceptance.
I have been queer for as far back as
I can possibly remember
And how much I have hated this
and tried to wish it away
pray it away
since i was a child,
I felt like a half man
half women
and I never had words to express it
but even the labels that people want to name me
as gender fluid etc... don't fully describe it
I don't even want to get too attached to it
because  I just wanna fully  accept who I  am
as being fully okay and loved,
and the fact that I have always loved women
the way their skin tastes
the way their bodies move
the way that I look at them
and my body feels tingly and alive inside
and that I always felt that I had a great secret
that I could never share
because where I am from ,
it was seen as sinful and disgusting
and although I have come out,
these words still ring in my head every single day
and the men that I love are everything that I was taught
that men shouldn't be and I was forced to hate them
And my heart broke all the while
I want to be with a man that is kind loving
beautiful that is pretty a person that is spirtual
open midned a person that loves men and women
a person that is artsy , that is a pretty boy
that is such a beautiful person that I will feel lucky
to say that he is mine
someone that is my best friend
even though my thoughts my past and people
want me to believe that men are horrible
I refuse to believe
I will see each person as who they are.
I also want a girlfriend
to cook with
paint with and to love forever
I was taught to be straight
to be monogamous
to be bland
to be shallow
to be baseline
to play the social games ,
but that is not me and it never was .
I am tired of this playing this ridiculous game !
But I feel really scared to be out of  all of this,
all of me out in the open
because the times that I have ,
people have said the meanest things
but I also remember the good times
as well the kind people
who told me ,
that I am colorful
that I am pretty and beautiful
for being the fluid being that
I am and that I don't need to change that
for anyone,
and to meet people who are polyamarous
and to see that you can be happy
and that you can live your own way of life.
Many tell me  that
I can't tell that you were religious before
because maybe I seem so liberal and open minded
now,
but you don't know how much
I fought and how much I was ostracized by everyone ,
just for being myself
a deep soul
so as I sit here crying
trying to understand who
I am,
It feels so  hard to be a soul in a body
in a world ,
where people just see bodies
many times,
I wish that we could just
all see souls
and love life in that manner
and to tell my inner child
that somewhere in someone's world,
I am wanted
I am normal and
that I am okay
and that I have my own place
of belonging in this world .
That I am just who I am
a woman with a magical name
in a magical being
and that it is okay to wear what I want
love who I want
and to feel masculine and feminine at different times,
without needing to put myself in a box.

I think
Love is the deepest core of who we are
The more I go on this deep deep journey
Of healing
Of sitting with just myself and my pain
And instead of hating it or wanting to wish it away
I try even for a few minutes a day
To ask it to talk to me
To tell me why it hurts
To feel into it ,
I see the deep dissociation
I have of longing
To be anything else but me
Is an escape mode
I see the depression
As trapped pain ,
I think I am learning to understand
To shift the way I view things
And the world
That when we come into our bodies
Our selves more
We learn we carry truth
We learn we are always connected
We learn that most things can be healed
And helped
If we give it time and love
I've realized that for so long
I was so Uncomftarble
In who I was
That I always wanted to change myself
Now makeup isn't wrong
But I think everything is persepctive
We give it
If we wear it because it's fun that's amazing
If we wear it to hide out true selves
And because of self hatred
Than for me it's something to look at
With love,
I feel so often
We like to throw labels at things
Without understanding
That a whole person is a whole world,
And that to be human is to be it all
And to be messy.
I wish women were granted more of this chance ,
Maybe I can show others
That you can be a woman
And be human
And that we don't need to be or look perfect
We can just be who we are
Human first.

trippin'
dippin'
reality is wrippin
don't know where im going
but im allowing
free
through pain comes light
and through the shadows births light

If i could write a poem about myself it would be this.
learning to fall in love with myself
consists of finding random bands,
no one has ever heard of
dressing myself in dresses
having tea parties in my mind with my stuffies  and dollies
hugging myself while I cry and explore my world
watering my plant babies,
exploring spirituality, mysticsim & magic
what makes the world tick
creativity
and what makes my heart sing
stimming to the music
when I walk down the streets
singing with my heart open wide,
eyes high
not giving a care in the world,
running barefoot through a field of dandelions
and daffodils,
catching the waves in my heart
to match my smiles
the seashells on the shore
on the sides,
watching me smile
in despair love and joy ,
encompassing all my ranges of emotions.

I see myself in songs
in the beats in the music
its how I feel alive
in the beats
I hear my heartbeats;

Its where I resonate with the world.
Its like sometimes,
I am afraid to truly see myself
because others see me
as weird and so strange,
or so I've been told that anyways.

I've been bullied
so much , since birth
to fawn to accomodate others
to help others see themselves,
without ever  once,stopping to truly see myself

I see myself as a big mess
like a  big masterpiece,
like I don't understand most humans,
they speak the language of small talk
of matrix thinking.
I've been awake for as long as I can possibly remember
I only feel okay and alive when I am sharing my art
my truths , when I am sitting in nature.
Being and Breathing
Living my truth
with others ,
who speak the same language as me
Still hoping and waiting to see that and meet that
in real life.
I will create the music of the art and of my life

A soul what is it
a breath of fresh air
a blowing of a candle
a fire burning in the breeze
or the auras that color your gaze
in the moonlight flickering at the passersby
the stars telling their secrets to the soul that knows all
or is is the fire , the bren the passion
of life that seeps through us all
and makes us feel wanted , beautiful and loved...

You messege me
after almost a year of not speaking
telling me
how what you did to me
how you hurt me
haunts you
you are showing to me
that maybe you are human
maybe you can change
I want to believe
you
but you my brother
have hurt me in ways
that maybe I can forgive them
but forget them I never will
maybe we will be able to speak again
but I don't know if it can go back to the way it was
when we were young
when I trusted you
before you abandoned me
in all of the darkest hours of my life
when i had noone besides you
when I was homeless
beaten and broken.
I will give you another chance
but I don't know if I will ever let you in
closely
the way we were in the past
the wounds
the marks you said to me
about all of who I was
have hurt me so much
although
these things have helped me heal many
very deep things
I don't how what to say
other than
I will have my boundaries
and tread very carefully
and wait to see if your actions
prove your words right or wrong
other than that
not even sure what I have to speak to you
about anymore
I am a very different person now
in a good way
but also in a way of brokeness
in a way of wearing my edginess
as a pride
as a badge on my sides.
For I do not need to feel ashamed of who I am
anymore
for you did that for me.
I feel sorry sad and angry for you
I hope you have changed
the way you say you did.
I hope.
I hope I am not hoping falsely.

Today is holocaust remembrance day here
and yet the world is still such a hateful place,
it worries me so much
I as a Jew have been brought up
on so many  horror stories
they tell us as children
your ancestors
were murdered starved and  were beaten for being Jewish
for thousands and thousands of years
most recently being in 1939
but there are many hate crimes that have happened since then.

When I lived in America
I too felt that hatred
towards me
because I was a Jew
in 2019
so it made me leave
to my jewish country.
where we are still killed for being here
for just existing
its like with each death
my heart becomes more and more numb
to the death of my people
all because of needless hate
I wonder if  hate can do that ,
can love heal this and heal us ?
or when my  great grandparents felt that hatred too,
In Germany in 1924, so they left in 1926.

love can truly heal our world
I still will believe that ,
no matter what.

raw
I hug myself
I do the daily practice
of checking my stomach in the mirror
wishing that I just didn't care anymore
trying not to hate my body
I grew from  a size zero to a size 10
I wish that I could say that I accept it
and that I love it
I have moments where I feel pretty or okay sometimes
but usually not
usually I hear my mom's voice in my head plaguing me
telling me" how ugly and provacative I am "in my head
and my brother shouting how" fat  masculine and ****** I am "
and how no man would ever want me
I know hypothetically maybe its not true
but what hurts even more
is living in a country
where people around me
are even thinner than the ones that  I grew up
with,
that's the average ,
its the normal
so wherever I am
I feel like the whale
it hurts it bleeds inside
I just wanna dissapear
I don't want to be someone's side chick
or someone's plan b
I want to be their first choice
I guess I wanna see my own beauty
I wanna love myself more
and I wanna have that true love
that I have dreamed about since I could breathe
because I didn't receive much of that
thing called love where I am from
I mostly just recieved hate and torture
disguised as love
with people who would use the world love
and use it as a weapon
as a dagger to stab into your side
and say well it's "just because
I love you so much !"
well to me that never felt like love
not sure what it feels like from another human
but I know that animals give love
nature gives love
and children are love.
this is what I know.
This is all that I know.

The aliens have landed
government uses things as a distraction
when many people who were thought of
to be crazy have been trying to tell the masses
for so long
I too didn't get my covid shots
because of the truth I knew
than the truth came out
and noone cared
maybe point is
the general people
who think that people like me are delusional
maybe we know something that you don't
learn to trust the ones
that society sees as being weird hippie or witchy
we often see what's coming
before others
do
the awakenings are coming
and things will unfold even more
keep your mind open
and your heart in healing
and see what can occur
because we have so much power
within us
but we give it away to others
or feed our fears
instead of feeding our dreams
its never to late
so don't give up

break the rules
listen to the pulsing music
crash the things
holding me back
allow my anger to take hold of me
to feel it for the first time in my life
F the standards
F being a good gurl
F being a people pleaser
and
F being fake
Yes to being me
and to being authentic
its cost me alot
many things to be myself
so now I will be myself
and if anyone tries to bully me
I will give it to you back,
so watch out
be kind to all
you never know
who will become a bad ***
mother fcker one day.

Trust me
noone ever thought it would be me.
I was always the people pleaser
catering to everyone else
never speaking my truth
and never saying what I thought
currently unlearning
I will take my power back
and I will fight for the silenced
the ones that society doesn't care for,
well I  will care for
them.

I wear the badge of honor on my chest,
saying I've been through hell and back
and I'm still living,
some say
that when they've looked into my eyes
they see an undeniable strength
and deep intense pain
so what do I say to that ,
I say that is truth.
But maybe I wanna stop having to feel that
my victim stories
are all who I am
because they are not,
I am only now starting to find myself
at 26 it feels so late in a way
its so hard to relate to many people

I feel like the  small talk
makes escape feel easy
or hard whichever way you wanna see it
I feel like I wanna just run again
change my name
so I forget my family
so I forget the religion
that brought me up
to shame myself
my body
my sexuality
and to make me hate my gender
of being a women
when will we stop allowing others
to teach our children hatred
I wanna be a force of fire
in the world
a fire to eradicate the abuse
the hurting the pain
to be the voice of the voiceless
maybe my poetry
helps someone I don't know
maybe this is why I write
real pain exists in the world
but it doesn't end there ,
I am healing ,
but the road can be quite rocky at times
so I wear my battle scars
as a badge of honor
to know I've made it this far
so I can go on
for more
for longer
to hold out for hope
that things will get better and improve.

You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.

I think self hate is fed to us since birth
that we must always hide away our
"flaws"
must always look like a 10
must always look thinner
curvier
have perfect flawed skin
my whole life my worth was counted on
by how beautiful I looked
and to now break that
and to find myself beautiful
but without that being the whole of my worth
feels so incredibly hard
to beat the voices in my head
that belittle me
the greatest compliments
were I love your soul
I love your energy
your so beautiful and kind
and loving and compassionate
why can't we as a society judge others
yes by their beauty because we are all beautiful
but also by how kind our souls are.

I was taught that beauty is just how you look
how expensive your prada bag is
and if you don't fit in new york
you are a loser
now I see beauty isn't skin deep
its about soul energy kindness that is true beauty
self love self acceptence
of course beautiful faces and bodies are amazing
but if beauty standards are always changing
than beauty must be in one's perspective.

its been 9 months and one day
it feels like ive birthed a baby
like im birthing myself
a new
9 months since
I have been sober
I acknowledge my struggles
that many can't see
and how much I have cried
and how much I have hurt
I am so proud of myself
of how far I have come
places
that all of the AA type of meetings
never brought me here
even when I do feel shame
I am trying to give myself compassion
actually starting to like who I am
to dance in the street
as if noone is watching
because life is meant to be fun
and intresting
learning how to have different healthier
types of fun
and meaning in life
learning how to be a brand new self
so I feel super young but old in some ways
for what my eyes have seen
and experienced in this life
but I am starting to see those things
as treasures as well,
for life is a learning school
for our soul
and when we learn to heed the messeges
and flow instead of always just go
with what our ego wants
than life can become better.

מלמעלה אני רואה את הכל אבל פתאום נשבר לי הלב עם כל הכוחות שיש לי ואין לי מה לעשות עם זה

From above I see everything, but suddenly my heart breaks with all the strengths that  I have and I can't do anything about it.

this world is a portal
we are but specks of dust
living within it
reality is but a figment
of imagination
numbers
colors
learn to heal
and infuse focus
with what you want
you see
reality is
what you make it .

Ariella
Ariella
Ariella
I hear myself calling  out my own name
wandering
who it is
that I am
who is this beautiful person
behind those beautiful
deep intense eyes
I wander back
I am not sure I know
for my whole life
has tested me
pushed me so very hard
I never got a chance to discover this
who am I ?


I think I am discovering who I am
slowly
the more I heal from trauma
I see the bits and pieces
form together
the more I sit with my inner child
and teach her what true unconditonal love is
the more I learn how to be my own mother
to hold myself as I cry
to tell myself that I will always be okay
that our tears are valid
that when she shows me the horrors
that we lived through
that I forgot so long ago
that I forgive her
that I love her
that I feel the anger about my oppressors
that I allow myself to be human
and not just a painting to be looked at
jeered at mocked at
or wanted,

for I am human
and I am a being
and I am a little girl
a women
a person who has a huge heart
a person who sees the stray cats and wants to take them all home
who's soul is poetry who loves art
who loves men ,women the ocean the nature
the words from my soul
that want to be written all day
a person who wants to give the goodness to the world
but has learnt that most people aren't worthy of it.
I think I am amazing
its taken a long way
but you can get there
so when I hear my name
I know I am worthy
even if many others
don't think so
or see so ..
or don't understand the deep soul
that I am
for I am an old soul
and its okay
if they can't see
because I see .

I'm starting to remember
that despite
so so very much pain in my life,
and so much utter rejection and bullying.

I have met men and some women
who really did accept me
and love me for who I am ,
who appreciated me
who saw me for who I truly was ,
and I remember that,

instead of blaming others for pain ,
we take personal responsiblity
and realize it takes two to tango!

I learnt today that my anger
that I have repressed my whole life
is a power a strength
and I don't need to supress it my whole life
I have lived in trauma responses
so lost never finding myself
losing myself
in so many addictions
escapisim
now I see at the core root of all of this
was all of my anger
from all of the abuse and horrible things
that I have endured
its time to face the anger inside of me
allow it to express
allow myself to be set free
the time has come
I have realized that so many things are my choice
its my choice if i choose to do things that depress me
its my choice if I choose to supress my feelings
noone can save you
if you choose to not save yourself!

Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
healing
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
love
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .

It doesn't take much
For a society to become authoritarian
First they start by labeling
The right ways to think
Be look and act
Than they
start
With masks
With doctors who give you pills instead of cures
To fuel their big time  money making machine,
Now I'm not saying it's all bad
Than mandatory vaccines
Monitering internet usage
Than it's inflation magically rising
Let's see how much we can crush our people,
Make them obey
Than it's creating artificial humans
Already see it coming ...

The books I read as a teen
With the foresight to know and understand it might happen ,

If you stay quiet your compliant.
So will you understand

The way this matrix
Programs you from birth
To hate  yourself,
To continue to buy things to feel better about yourself,

To force you into a system of  slave labor,
That ***** your soul and your life force,

That convinces you
Tricks you
To always live in survival,

So you can't ever truly relax.

I never realized I picked a country just like the USA but worse in some ways,

It definitely gives perspective
To leave religion
To exit many ideologies
And to see truth
For what it is
So will you remain asleep or choose to listen to yourself
And to awaken
The choice is only yours
And it's up to you
And you only.

I think for so long
I blamed israel
for all of my pain adn existence
when really it was me
just healing lots of trauma patterns in my life
I want to look at my life through a different lense
I still wanna believe to love people
to love my life
I still wanna believe that all is possible for me
and that the words we say are so powerful
so we need to choose them carefully
and see how we create our reality.

I sometimes wish
I didn't feel
the way that I do
but we met
the other night
for the first time
we met because
we are both lonely
in a new town
and we both wanted more friends
from the moment we talked
I felt my body pulse
for you
which for me
that is quite a rare occasion
especially for a man
I walked to the coffee shop on friday night
and I see you with your dark curls
jeans
and as I got closer
I thought wow he is so so handsome
how can he just be my friend??
As we spoke more and more
throughout the night
I felt more and more pulled towards you
as you cared more and more about me
as we saw that we view the world in such a similar way
your a man
who feels his feelings
we spoke about crying to music
about feelings mental health and heartbreak
and now I am unsure of what to do
or how you feel
I know I am not at all ready for a relationship
or anything else
but all I know is
that I want you
and from what I can see
your insides are just as beautiful
as your outsides.

the anger seeps through my body
hot like fire
soft and hard like led
I am not sure
if all of the anger
that I feel inside of me
is because of
Israel in itself
or if its because
I am angry at myself and
at the world that was built
around me from my trauma
I keep on wanting to travel to escape
and I am not sure if that's me
or if its my trauma responding to me
the other side of me misses america
with my heart and soul
but that too feels bad
maybe the world is just dark
right now
and I feel it.
I am angry at the school that scammed
me
and took so much money from me
The only thing that comforts me is
knowing that the universe
protects sees and knows.
my pain
and sees it all.

Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.

I feel like I've died a million times
but dying alive
hurts the most
when you've always just wanted
life to end .
It still feels like that  way alot,
when you've realized everyone
you thought
cared about you
was your friend
was really your enemy
hurt you
gaslight you
bullied you
used your kindness
against you.

All I wanna do is cry about it and rage on forever and ever
the pain inside
feels so hard,

so when people say cut all the toxic people out
well I have and now I have no one
absolutley noone

and when I go out in public
all I feel is paralyzed by grief
and so so  much pain
I've been hurt so much
that I don't recognize my face in the mirror
and pimples have formed in the place
of my once clear skin
its like reminding me
the pain inside
has come to greet me on the outside.

I so wish with all my heart
that I had family and friends in my life
its like being an orphan
but everyone is alive  all around you
besides you
this is how I feel most days lately
while I do feel happier I also feel
the deepest pain
ever,
it feels like its killing me alive.

in fact I have felt this way always
but never cried about it or written about it before.
I have felt rejected since birth
by my own mother .

sometimes I just ask myself
why was I born ?!!

I know I have a purpose
but many times it just  feels like too too  much .

She asks me in a word
AM I okay ?
The way I am?
Do we have to continue to hide who we truly are ?
is it safe to be who we truly are ?!!!
or do we have to continue people pleasing?
do we have to continue to have no boundaries??

no my darling we get to have boundaries
standards
and to be our authentic self
to be brought into the world
through acts of violence
peace is choosing ourselves
through acts of kindness
through the acts of saying no
and saying delightful fk yeses!

To the girl I met a few years back
you changed my mindset so much
Growing up a religious zionist
I was brainwashed
to believe that people
like you
palestinainas
were bad
***** criminals and terrorists
you showed me
that you are a normal human being
who has been oppressed
in different and similar ways to me
it also showed me that loving women
exists in people of all different cultures
you were my first kiss in a gay bar in jerusalem
two people from two different homophic backgrounds
found a beautiful moment to cherish .
I loved to watch you on stage and sing your heart away
and talk about real life
I loved your red hair and your beautiful eyes
and the way you spoke hebrew and arabic.

To the other  arabic women who saved my life
the day after I was beaten by a jewish man ,
I never knew that kindness can come from the people
that I was taught to hate the most
so when people ask me
why am I so anti religion
its because religion preaches hatred
against people for no reason.

And I say the best way to know your views on life
is to experience them for yourself
I have lived among all different kinds of religous people
jewish people palestinians arabs asians etc...
it showed me what to truly think
that  harm is done on both ends
real truth is usually  found in the greys of life
and that love romance
and beautiful moments
can truly exist with people
that seem very different than you
but really we are all the same at heart
I have dated black people white people
Arabic people etc...
I think that the world needs to stop classifying people
so much
based on meaningless things
and start to judge people
by the kindness in their hearts
life here in Israel has taught me so much
more than so many other things in life
and the truth is truth is complex and not black or white
and most of the time when you call people out  on it
they don't want to take responsibility
so they try to gaslight you
but really people show you by their actions
how they truly feel about themselves.

it seems the more i heal
the more I cry
I cry for all of the years
I was so numb
I never knew how I felt
others may look at crying as a weakness
but its so strong to cry
to release emotions
to be in tune with the self
to look at your fears
at your shadow self in the mirror
and claim yourself
and say yes these "darker "parts of me
are still me
to realize your fears and your past traumas
and work on actually healing them
you learn how to take control of your life
instead of just letting it pass you by
and making you the victim.

its like one side of me feels so frozen from trauma
it hurts to breathe
to shed myself
from pain
the depth of confusion
and stillness
that leaks inside of me
and outside
of the walls inside of me
been suffering for a while
but it feels hard
but softer at the same time.

Feeling joy is in the small things
the way the wind brushes on my hair and skin
the way the beautiful sun beats down on my face
sparkling and sprinkling me with little freckles
all along my face and body
Feeling joy
is sitting in my garden
typing out poetry
vibin' to music
its coffee in the morning
its toast with cheese
its iced coffee
watching the waves on the beach
its walking to the beach every weekend
and seeing the blue sky
and the ocean melt into one
its the smell of summer on my lips
its feeling the water
and waves crash my body
its feeling free from religion
knowing I never have to experience that oppression again
its sipping ice cream spontaneously
its petting the cats and speaking to them
its hugging trees
its sitting in meditation
and feeling the peace come and calm my body and soul
its looking at my clean house
its learning to love my body for the first time in my life
loving my curves
starting to actually accept who i am
behind the silence of my walls
learning what it means to finally be me!

I just
I feel so angry
like I might just explode
my dreams have been so vivid lately
I just wish that I could have a nice real conversation
with a man
without him being disrespectful or being manipulative
is that so much to ask ??
Its like for so long I denied the reality of the world
because I only wanted to see the good in people
but now the more that i heal
the more that i see alot of the real ugliness of the world
and I wish I didn't have to see it
but because of my life experiences
I can't unsee it
I feel it is my duty
to speak out
publicly
against the violence done to young women especially
and the pain we face
yes it is so hard
and being a smart confident women
people try to tear you down sometimes
but I don't want to hide away anymore
I want to shine brightly
make a difference in the world
no matter how small
heal have a relationship that is worthy of me
and my presence
and have meaningful friendships
Is that so much to ask?
I know patience is a virtue
but it feels hard lately.

I feel like most people
really don't understand me.
It feels really hard
most people drain me
most places drain me
It feels hard to be alive
most of the time
because I feel like
I'm from a different planet earth.
I feel like my soul is not from here,
I care about things that most
don't care about.
I feel at peace with sci fi
which  I definitly believe
is real
in other realities...
I believe in spirituality
not as a fantasy ,but as reality
when people pollute the earth
and I see it in real life,
It feels like my soul is crying inside.
I love animals especially cats,
I feel that they understand me and see my pain
without words,just a knowing.
I feel like everything is art
good and bad.
I feel traumatized
from everyone and everything.
I just feel like an alien
I don't know how to be human,
most of the time.

I just wanna feed  the animals& sing to them
grow my children to love themselves
fully &truly.

I would just love to meet people
who truly see me,
who don't wanna use me ,
or see me as a threat or competition
because of the way that I look.

I just feel tired
just so tired,
no matter how much I sleep.
I feel tired of this reality,
I wish I could escape!

I went to that rooftop party today
I went and I faced my demons
seemed like that was the theme of this week
I went and I saw and conquered
and showed them
that I am not afraid or scared anymore
I go days and days in complete silence
the only sound is of my own mind
my whole life
all I've had is the opposite of this
so much noise talking and being sociable
seems hard
now I have more peace
but I have noone
and that feels like an indescribable ache of longing
deep within.

naseu confusion
drinking wine to numb the lonlieness
crying myself to sleep
with my lonlieness
the memories haunt my mind
feel triggered from it all
feel trapped in my mind in my body
but I just wanna be free.

The city burned with a fire
I felt consumed by it
I found you with your dark eyes
your smile
your kindness
we stood
sat
on your porch
I felt loved
I felt alive
I felt seen
I felt whole
we went on that date
I felt like you saw my soul
I felt taken
I felt whole
I miss you
I miss you so much

Today while High
I cried,
like I never have before,
or like I have
but not in a long  long time
while being truly alone .
The people on the street
Askin' me
Are you okay?
I say yea
And Walk Away.
But really
I wanna scream & shout & yell so very loud
To Say,  
guess what
I am not okay !
I never was !
And I am Workin'
on the Will Be okay part ...
To walk the neighborhood
with the  shattered memories
of  pain
sprinkled everywhere
trinkled along the blocks
not knowing if I will see
one of the abusers
when I walk down the
Fckin' street
to eat a **** sandwhich !

See most of the time
I am still so numb
Shake my hands from anxiety
Blind out the daily pain
with loud blaring music
and try to wash the pain away.

I don't get it
I invited you to my birthday party
a month and a half ago ,
and you took the way
with your needless jealous eyes and hatred.

Or the man who hurt me
After I told him NO!
And repeatedly follows me
with his eyes.

I wish people could just,
grow up do the right thing
and stop hurting others
specifically me !

Realized my whole life,
all I was given,
was intense injection shots
of real life pain, abuse ,
and rejection again again again again!

So when others ask me
"well it seems that you don't have much experience
with joy,
You are right as of now I don't,
but I am really conciously ,copiously
working through my blinding edging pain
to get to the light
to get to experience true love and true joy,
to get to share that with others, truly
with boundaries and without getting taken
advantage of anymore!"

They call us women btches
when we stand up for ourselves
or maybe you are too sad scared and afraid
to stand up for yourself
and to start doing what's right
and to start owning your own
f*cking ******* !

My whole life
I hid myself
hid who I truly was ,
because everyone around me
taught me to hate who I was
how I looked
and how wild I was!

But now after cutting them off
I have decided and realized
That who I am I Ain't just love and light.
Its pain, deep rebellion ,real power
and a real longing to forge my own path ,
a society's rebel in a sense,
As well as having a very kind loving and open heart .
Don't let others distract you from you,
it is worth it to finally be you !

My whole life
all i dreamed of was being free
in every way
free from religion
free from my toxic family
free from my toxic friends
but what I never realized
is that I have to free myself
in order to be the most
FREE!
so here's to
FREEDOM
the spirit of the equinox
and of Passover

Looking back on the past year
I see so much pain
and so much healing.
I see so much resilance and strength
and so much cruelty
from so horrific men
that I met
when I craved love like a drug
and used the sx as an addiction.
I wish I could share my stories
but they are too graphic even for my mind
all I know is there are so many reasons
why I hate so many men
it hasn't come because I have wanted
Today  all I wanted to   do is cut off my *******
because it feels so hard
to live in this curvy body
a reminder of my pain
every single day
the feeling of objectifiation
from  men
but than craving it
a vicious cycle .

I wish for world peace for
equality in humanity.
But for now I focus on healing myself
because I don't know if i can do much else.

its like discovering myself
for the first time
through words
through putting lotions on my body
for the first time
for taking care of my hair
my face
my body
for allowing myself
to eat without restriction
to allow myself to laugh
at taboo subjects
and to howl at the religion and the life that I came from
while reminiscing on the good
that was amongst the bad the hard and the painful.

Always hid myself
Behind makeup
Behind fancy clothing
Behind needing to always be with people
But what I'm realizing
Is that I am still beautiful
Even more so maybe
Without makeup
With my acne
With my scars
With my beautiful curvy body
With wearing simplier comfier clothing
With embracing my natrual gifts and talents
Loves and joys
By opening up my heart to life
But still keeping to my boundaries
By being more present
By admiring the orange trees and flowers growing on the side of the road
With my coffee and prayers in hand
To appreciate the books
The seen and the unseen
To love and care for planet earth
To help others feel loved in my presence
And to live a slower life
To love my traditions my roots
To appreciate where I came from
While still loving and embracing my current Israeli life ✨
Things don't need to be perfect or photoedited
To be beautiful and pure
In fact in a world of plastic surgeries and fakness
Maybe it is that much more beautiful to be real and raw ✨🧿

I have this calling from the depths of my soul
in my heart
I cry
I want my mommy!!
but when i think back to my own mom
i shudder
i would never wanna be in her cruel arms again
and than it hits me
I want that safe place of home
when I see the little ones in my nursery
with their parents
it pinches the pain so deep within me
the essence of me
that when I tap in
she's just bunched up in a ball
crying sobbing on the floor
wanting longing
a longing so deep
that it never goes away
that no matter how much life tried to break me
I always got up
rose up
and kept on pushing harder
the amount of chronic illness and pain
and suffering that i have endured
since i was a child
is so much
and honestly it still feels so so hard
it seems all i do is cry
and ball
I saw some videos on the news today
of these boys beating a child
and I thought its horrific but doesn't suprise me
I have seen so many shades of the horrific cruelty of this world
I always say the fact that I am alive
is literally a miracle
because the low places I've been to in my life
are so horrific it hurts to talk about
so taboo
that people shudder from it
I think that if we talk about taboos more
in safe places
they would happen less
and the ones who are crying in pain
endlessly for years
would get help faster
that's what I would tell my younger self
that "who you are is a miracle
and even though today and the past few days
I felt like I wanted to **** myself again...
I took a deep breath
looked at the beautiful pieces in my life
and worked on healing myself
and loving myself
in my pain,
in my so called "darkness"
this girl
told me that I have a darkness to me
I guess to others
being dark
means being real
means having big emotions
I see my big emotions as treasures
I feel like I can experience so much more joy
because of the levels of pain
I have had in my life
sometimes emerging from the fires of life
is painful
but its still beautiful.
i got a fake tattoo of a dragonfly today
which told me to enjoy the small moments
of when I look into a child's eyes
and they teach me about presence
about joy
about the joy
of just living of just being alive
I am working towards that
of just loving being alive
because for far too long
and still now at times
I hate being alive
but I wanna love it
sometimes,
for I still believe hope
is the most powerful
but daunting  at times but beautiful
thing on this planet earth.

Its like suddenly
I'm crying
I'm crying for the girl
who gave all her love
out on a platter
to her brothers
to her parents
to her friends
but they never gave it back to me.

suddenly I'm four again
and I'm sitting on my floor
eyes wide open with amusement
staring at the mold cracks in my walls
and ceiling
at the green peeling paint
and the lady bugs crawling through
one lands on me as  I squeal in delight
in so much joy
I think that was one moment of joy in my childhood
that I can recall amongst a few.

I seem to be remembering
so many things
and not how I wanted to remember them,
in sugar coated ways.

To try to numb out the deep pain
but to actually remember
the pain,
as it hits me like knives in the back.

Maybe that's why till this day
my back and my entire body
aches with pain,

as if remembering all of the times
she was left,
alone abandoned
rejected hurt
cast aside
abused and mutilated
just for trying to be alive.

Remembering the times
that playtime
was used as torture and pain
and seemingly innocent things
were twisted feteshized
and sexualized,

for so long
I wanted to be a boy
but it wasn't because I wanted to be one,
I was very happy and content in my girly ways and things
it was because of living under so much oppression
garnered by so many men and abusive women
who also garnered oppression and misogyny
was so deep ,
that the self that I was,
wanted to be dead
rather than live alive.

But now I am choosing
to slowly and painfully,
choose to love myself even
if its a tiny tiny sliver of love,
admist the shrouds of pain.

I am trying gasping
Admist my addictions,
to love myself,
and not shame myself any longer
just for being me.

I went to the beach today
I felt glimmers of hope
of presence of moments
without pure self hatred
moments of peace
moments of self love
its like watching myself slowly emerge
from a deep mountain of sht
that kept me locked up for so long
I am really trying to be patient with my progress
while healing from more than one addiction
chronic pain and complex post trauma ,
I always reflect why do I have to heal from so much
and to withstand so much terror in my life
more than most people I know my age,
or older.
It always come back to people
who have large amounts of pain
have a big purpose in this life
to help others heal through
and emerge from their own hells
I feel this is why
and it helps me get through days,
because many days it feels really hard still.
I reflect on the small things because it helps
and writing helps keep me sane.

Anger seeps through me
and runs through my veins
activated Godess dark energy
unites within me
I want to stop being afraid
face my demons head on
and stop muffling my screams and cries
repression no more
It is too hard to hold anymore.

Life is so weird
ain't it
I moved to israel
to leave my family and religion behind
but yet here i am faced with it all
probably to heal it all.
I live in an area with tonz of super religious jews
who remind me of the way that I was brought up and raised
remind me of how my dad still looks
and how my mother carries herself
but now I am on the other side
I am the one who the men look at it
and think wow she is not modest
she doesnt look jewish etc...
Now I look at the women wearing stockings and long skirts
and I feel their suffering
because I know how it felt for many many years of my life
to feel opressed while not knowing that I was
and was forced to dress "lady like"
to cover my legs and scorch in the heat
while I would judge wish and wander
what it would be like to dress like a women
like me now in the current day
ain't it weird how life teaches us
and shows us
ain't it weird how sometimes it may take many years
but we can accomplish the goals and wishes we had.
So each summer now that I get to wear shorts jeans
a bikini a short sleeve shirt a tank top
and to wear my curves with grace instead of shame
that is a win for me and my inner child
each time I get to eat what I want
and not have to keep the laws of the opressive religion that I was born into
is freedom to me
it is still taking time to heal those wounds
but many times I look back and I see how grateful I am
to not be religious and to live the life that I want
so I am
so very grateful.

Growth is not pretty it's fking hard.
It's picking yourself up over and over again ,sometimes only getting up and living because of your strength and resilance,many times it's being incredibly lonely, for choosing yourself can be ,it's cutting off everyone and everything that is toxic and abusive to you , it can be extremely hard esp coming from a home like mine ,were everything was extremely dysfunctional !
Growth is choosing kindness to yourself, learning how to treasure simple small moments, learning to  turn pain  it into meaning and gratitudr . Growth is sometimes breathing and holding on one moment by moment . It's exploring your dreams, the depth of your concious ,its facing your demons ,the things that terrify you, it's learning that once we see more of ourselves for who we truly are , we can learn more of who we are and live with less shame.
Growth is not looking like a perfect Instagram model buying crystals and pretending to be perfect ,it's knowing that yes I have flaws and that's okay I am a human being we are not meant to be dolls or just consumers !
Growth is looking at the shackles of society and choosing different .Its seeing the suffering of your family bec of their chains and learning to choose differently for you . So whoever wants to romanticize this ,is really bllshtting you . Spirituality aint about rainbows and flowers it's mostly about awareness and choice.