Lux - Hello Poetry

Lux Nov 8

Did all you asked yet never was good enough,
Putting myself down to make you happy is tough.
Gave up my happiness to save us,
Fighting problems you don’t wanna discuss.

Tried my best to fix what’s between you and I.
Yet all you did for me was make me cry.
Cry every night losing hope,
Filled with emotions making it hard to cope.

I was blinded didn’t want to see,
I became someone I never wanted to be.
It’s true that in crisis only real one’s care,
What you did to me was in no way fair.

You hurt me like nobody else before,
That changed me deep in my core.
I will never see you same again,
I changed my behaviour even since then.

No longer hiding who I am,
Never gonna prioritise you again.
You don’t care than so don’t I,
You manipulated me and don’t deny.

Now I learn to stay strong alone,
You need to realise I am not your clone.
Maybe one day you will see,
I am better when you let me be me.

#mom #relationship #struggle #deep #mother #daughter #argument #problems #trouble

Lux Nov 7

Dear mom

You were the number one my whole life,
You were there when I turned five.
We used to be best friends,
But everything someday ends.

We drifted apart over time,
You became more sour than a lime.
From heaven to war we went,
What was said I hope wasn’t meant.

I still love you and always will,
Even with all the bad you spill.
I stand tall when you talk,
Yet some words still leave me in shock.

I cry when the night comes,
The words hurting me are my mom’s.
Scared to speak to protect you,
Don’t have an opinion, that’s what I do.

Never give up they say,
Give it time for a better day.
She is family don’t cut her out,
But I don’t want to continue on this route.

I can’t fix things when you don’t care,
I suffer because of you’re how is that fair.
I don’t wanna lose my own mom,
Yet your presence won’t leave me calm.

Friends again just in my dreams,
It is exactly how it seems.
I write this to ease my mind,
To help leave hard feelings behind.

Only time will tell,
If we’re ever getting out of this hell.
Hope it is soon or I will quit,
But I will regret every bit.

First he left now so did you,
But he came back as I grew.
You left me because I am sick,
Became very distant pretty quick.

Now you don’t care at all,
All I have is our daily call.
We barely talk when I am home,
All the time I feel alone.

God give me a reason to try again,
I want to stop this deep pain.

#mom #relationship #family #problems #trouble #sad

Lux Oct 2023

One word is all it takes

One word was enough for me to go down,
bring enough thoughts for me to drown.
One stupid word and habits change forever,
acting in a way I thought I would never.

No longer able to eat or drink,
making my stomach shrink.
Relationships with food became tough,
I’ve to lose weight otherwise I’m not enough.

Brain won’t allow me to keep down food,
fat is how I’m being viewed.
Counting calories wasn’t enough to be thin,
hopefully throwing up is the way to win.

Whatever goes down must go up,
lose more calories while you clean up.
One word was enough to bring me here,
to a place where food is my biggest fear.

The worst part is that I don’t want to change,
world without worrying of weight is strange.
Some day it won’t be about skinny anymore,
Throwing up food will become a chore.

Living off of water and air,
eating just to satisfy those who care.
What goes on afterward you can’t know,
there’s nothing that would show.

#eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #ed #bulimia #food #mentalillness

Lux Oct 2023

One word is all it takes

One word was enough for me to go down,
bring enough thoughts for me to drown.
One stupid word and habits change forever,
acting in a way I thought I would never.

No longer able to eat or drink,
making my stomach shrink.
Relationship with food became tough,
I’ve to lose weight otherwise I’m not enough.

Brain won’t allow me to keep down food,
fat is how I’m being viewed.
Counting calories wasn’t enough to be thin,
hopefully throwing up is the way to win.

Whatever goes down must go up,
lose more calories while you cleanup.
One word was enough to bring me here,
to a place where food is my biggest fear.

Worst part is that I don’t want to change,
world without worrying of weight is strange.
Some day it won’t be about skinny anymore,
Throwing up food we become a chore.

Living of of water and air,
eating just to satisfy those who care.
What goes on afterwards you can’t know,
there’s nothing that would show.

#eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #ed #bulimia #food #mentalillness

Lux Aug 2023

Bulimia

Eat as much as you can fit,
then throw up every last bit.
Be quiet so no one hears,
when you’re done wipe all your tears.

Just once more and I’ll stop,
avoid every single food shop.
Shove a toothbrush down your throat,
watch the previously eaten food float.

Thoughts of getting fat making you feel sick,
throw up what you ate you can’t get thick.

#eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #ed #bulimia #food #mentalillness

Lux May 2023

Why

All you care about is my school,
once again I feel like a fool.
I thought you cared about me,
however, the only thing you care about is who I´m gonna be.

I wonder where did I go wrong,
hell is definitely where I belong.
I never felt so alone in my life,
my only friend is this knife.

You see it but you don´t care,
crying when I´m dead, don´t you dare.
Left when I needed you the most,
be ready to see my ghost.

#growth #highexpectations #family #selfharm #pain #mentalhealth

Lux May 2023

Last note

No matter how hard I try,
All I want to do is die.
Unable to sleep or eat,
This mental illness is impossible to beat.

I gave up a long time ago,
No longer able to keep myself afloat.
Lying to everyone around,
Wishing to never be found.

Hating every second of being alive,
No longer fighting to survive.
The pain is just too much to bear,
I have so much going on but I don’t care.

Just let me **** myself once and for all,
Promise me not to make the call.
Police searching for me with no luck,
No one can see I’m stuck.

Tried asking for help but got nothing,
Everyone kept telling me to keep fighting.
One only has so much will and power,
I will be dead in a hour.

#mentalhealth #suicide #death #goodbye