It really terrifies me, you know? The fact that you already know me so well and eventually you'll know me inside and out. Letting people in has never been an easy task for me. I always hated the idea of the other person having an upper hand, something to hold over me. You know my favorite songs and how my eyes will light up if you were ever to turn them on in your car. You know my favorite books and the parts I read more than once, just because they were that good. You know how I like my poetry, emotion so tense and raw you can cut it with a knife. You know the way I awkwardly laugh when I can't find the words to explain my thoughts to you. You know what I don't like about myself, but more importantly, you know what I love about myself. You know of the things I don't really like to talk about and you understand, you understand the way I've hurt. You know the movies I like and which ones I have on replay. You know that on most days, I'm one wrong move away from insane, but you like me anyways. You know that I tell a lot of pointless stories but you still look at me with a fire in your eye, as if I'm telling you your favorite story from when you were a child. You know of my dark past but you also know of my bright future. You know of the way I once hated myself and beat myself up, you now know of the way I love myself and treat my body like a temple. You know of the stupid stories from when I was a child and you somehow find them funny. You know of my goals, my dreams, and where I hope to see myself one day. You know of my flaws, my imperfections, and my little mishaps. You know of the weird habits I have that I would rather not have most people aware of... I must ask, "Why me?"

Who would have thought
two years made a difference?
Two years is not that long
in the grand scheme of things.
Two years ago, I didn't know
so much that I do today.
Two years ago, I wouldn't have
made some of the choices I did.
Two years ago, I could smile,
a genuine smile, with real emotion.

If I could go back to two years ago,
I would change what I did,
Warn myself that not everyone is good.
I used to believe that everyone was good
even if they were only good in some tiny way.
I know better now some people will never care
how much pain they cause.
Two years ago, I wish I'd known.

My throat is closing
My eyes are blurring
My mind is racing
My hands are shaking
My chest is burning
My stomachs dropping
My mascaras smearing
My heart is breaking
My soul is dying
Though I keep screaming
And I keep crying
they never notice

Pop a pill a day just to crack a smile
Stare at a mirror, frown reflected back
Wipe the sleep from haggard eyes for a while
Now waiting for the phantom’s smile to crack
The daily progression of this sorrow
Bringing a lonesome and mind numbing pain
Healing slowly, today, tomorrow
A chuckle, a grin, happiness to feign
It should not take chemistry to make me
Feel something, anything but desolate
From chemistry, my mind contorted be
While senseless enough to self-isolate
The struggle for happiness, all my life
Not innocuous, fear lend to strife

We sat on his bed as the clock clicked closer to midnight
we had love in our eyes and each other on our lips
he asked for my approval and oh how I loved him more when he cared enough to ask
we laid down on his bed and gave ourselves to each other
we smiled and laughed because we both knew that this was right and that for once in our lives we weren't making a mistake