I feel sad and I can't explain why.
This is what I'm living by.
Because I always feel like this.
I have handcuffs on my wrists.
Depression holds me captive.
This is not how I want to live.
But do I even want to?
I guess I do.
But only because
I came to this conclusion, that was,
I am less afraid of living
due to death being so unforgiving.
Keep in mind that I'm sad but it's my own doing, so don't feel pity for me. I wrote this poem so other people might relate, not give me sympathy. :-)
I'm too much and not enough,
I'm nothing and I'm everything,
I sleep too little, wake too late,
And I dream too much, want too much, feel too much...
Or nothing at all.
I talk too much and I breathe too fast,
I can't take everything in as quickly as I should,
And I get attacked so fast,
It's like a fury , fresh, fierce.
I am scarred by the sinews that bind me
And I am scared of
I went to a therapist last week.
I've got some things wrong with me.
Turns out I have SPD.
With lots of other "tendencies."
And a part of me wanted to be told,
That I fit the 'normal mold'.
But another part of me wanted validation.
Validation, meaning that what I felt,
Wasn't my imagination.
That's what I got.
And it thickens the plot.
At least I know I'm not insane.
I have these things to blame.
Or is it my brain?
Is to blame.
I really don't like the new format of the website. I never like change, however. So add me to the list of things to blame... for this too.
Problem after problem plagues my life.
It cuts through me like a knife.
I haven't slept.
But I have wept.
I walk around all hallowed out.
Any feelings I have, I do not want to talk about.
I've lost too much.
I have no crutch,
To help me walk.
I have no one to help me up.
So, it seems that I am stuck.
I definitely feel stuck in this rut that is so deep I don't know if I can get out.
Sometimes my anxiety makes me retreat back into a dark cave where I don't talk to anyone and I try not to think about anything at all because if I do then all the other thoughts come rushing in and Im swirling and swirling and swirling in thoughts and I can't stop
So I retreat into my cave and I don't think and I don't talk and I don't do anything.
And the only thought I ever seem to let through for some reason is a depressing one.
I think about how I am wasting my short little spec of a lifetime hiding in a cave from myself and others and I feel guilty and sad and self conscious about all of my decisions.
My thoughts ******* out of my cave and I try to talk to someone. Not about my cave or about how I feel sad, but instead I ask them about them. People like to talk about themselves.
A quarter way into the conversation I start to doubt myself.
I question whether or not I am enunciating or maybe I am being creepy and asking about their life too much? Was it creepy that I asked her if her dog was still sick because she told me that last week and I don't know if she appreciates my remembrance or is unsettled by it.
My thoughts swirl around and around until I eventually just retreat into my cave again.
Why can't I be normal?
How many times do you have to wash a sweatshirt to get all the memories washed away?
How many times do you have to push away the feelings you have until you don't feel them any more?
How many times do you have to hold back tears until the sadness leaves your system?
How many times do you have to fake happiness until you feel it?
How many times do you have to learn your lesson until you finally give up?
How many times do you have to ask 'how many times' until you realize that it never ends?
The unrealistic 'end' to our sadness has always been dangling in front of us and the truth is that it doesn't exist.
My expectations used to be high.
Now they are nowhere near the sky.
People continuously let me drown.
I fall down, down, down, down,down.
And when I hit the ground.
I think about how to get back up.
I also think about how the water never fills the cup
And I realize that I don't want to.
No one even has a clue,
that I'm down here.
I could just disappear.
That would likely be for the best.
I'll just get lost in the abyss of sadness for a while.