Joliver

Joliver Jul 2018

Untitled

Stupidly stuck,
Waiting, while
Past pressures
Present problems,
Making moving
On awful.
Essentially erased
From fraudulent
Thoughts that
Hurt. How
Our original
Love lives
Were wronged
By bad
Decisions decided
Immaturely. Intimacy
Died down
And, alone,
Rejected, retreated

I keep waiting for a day when I don't think about it, but that day has yet to come...

#love #hurt #broken #alliteration

Joliver Jul 2018

Adore

I just want
To adore again
To be inspired
By their imperfect perfection
And the way their face lights up
Like a neon sign in the rain
Whenever I make them laugh...
To write of love again
And not feel this pit in my chest
To hold them close
And talk into the wee hours of the morning
While absorbing the songs
They tell me they love
I want to hold hands like it's a lifeline
And cuddle
Like pressing against their body
Is as necessary as breathing
I want to share my excitement
And my heart
I want to feel like someone's favorite thing
Like the luckiest guy in the world
And make them feel like they are my world
All I want is
To fall in love once more

I want to fall in love again, I've learned so much from my last relationship and I miss having someone to share a life with
Honestly, probably not the best or most clever or deep thing I've written, but I felt a warmth while writing it that I've missed

#love #lonely #adoration

Joliver Jul 2018

My Body

My body
                                        Worthless
                                                              A blank canvas
                                          Too small
                                                              Thin
                                           Scrawny
                                                               Lanky
                                            Wasted
                                                               Potential
                                         Disgusting
                                                               Imperfect
                                          Unhealthy
                                                               Fine
                                        Disgraceful
                                                               Awkward

                                    What they see
                                                              Doesn't matter
                                       Whether a 4
                                                                Or a 7
                                     My 108 lbs
                                                                 Isn't what I am
My body
Isn't me

I tried to do a thing where the left is a negative look at my body which I deal with on a daily basis, and the right is a more positive outlook. My body isn't perfect, far from it, but that's okay

#body #insecure #anxiety #self #image

Joliver Jul 2018

A Lose-Lose Situation

My head is splitting
Like atoms before fallout
Each footstep echoing
From the floor above me
Rings loudly as a gunshot
And the muffled conversation
Sounds like a crowd a million strong
I want to shut off
To restart my brain
But socializing
That great and terrible wyrm
Stands between me and my goal
The glittering treasure
Aspirin
A warm bed
And I'd much rather suffer here
Than slay the misunderstood beast

There's being an introvert, and then there's not wanting to go upstairs to get pain relief for your splitting headache because there are guests over

#introvert #anxiety #headache

Joliver Jul 2018

Summer Storm

The rain
Trickles
My skin
Prickles
As the thunder rolls
A muffled crescendo
And a warm blanket
Covering the hills
With a rumbling essence
That resonates with my core
The pool of my mind
Calms
As ripples fade
The reflection becomes clear
As I look to the past
Bittersweet
With a warm coppery hue
Of hazy summers blurred
And faded familiar faces

In time perhaps I too will fade
From their twinkling youthful eyes
But for now the tumbling rumbling
Of a thundering lullaby
Lulls me to sleep
To dream of blistering concrete
Droning cicadas
And saline summer storms

Partially inspired by Only In Sleep by Eric Whitacre. Feeling nostalgic and emotional...

#nostalgia #summer #storm #memory #past #childhood

Joliver Jun 2018

I Long For

I long for a love
To consume me again
To be enamored and intrigued
To implicitly desire tomorrow
So that I might
See them for the first time again
And again
And again
To make a million memories
And a million more
To learn every little thing
That brings a smile to their face
And present them with it
As often as I can
I long for a love
To dedicate myself to
To feel that place
That lost tender place
In my chest again
To have a laugh
A smile
A heart
To adore above all others
To give all that I can
All that I am
And hold each other in our arms
As we fall together

I long to retain my freedom
To remain a lonely half
I long for this unparalleled time
Of growth and introspection
To last until the last drop of eternity
Drips through that paradoxical hourglass
Glass
Like a broken heart, shattered
My broken heart
Shattered
Freed from a searing *******
And the self hatred it inflicted
I am finally able to be myself
And figure out who
That person in the looking glass is
Improve myself
For myself
And be my own self
No longer worrying
About not being good enough
I want to become a person
My own person
A proud person
A humble person
A strong person
A kind person

I long for a love that sets me free
One that supports me on my journey
One that I can turn to for support
One that can grow with me
One that doesn't stay
Stuck in the past
I long for someone to complete me
And not replace me
Not resent me
Not hurt me
I long for a partner
I long for an adventure
I long for a future
I long for a love
That sets me free

#love #longing #lonely #growth