I don't know why I think about,
The dirtiest word I know,
My eyes start to swell up,
It starts to eat at my soul.

Why does it come across me
Why do I feel this way
Why was I born different
Why couldn't I just be the same

The dirtiest word I know
Is one that was almost met
With a bottle of pills
That I cant say I regret  

A little girl back then
Not nearly the same
Wasn't able to admit
This would be a lifelong fear

Or a threat- I guess that's right
It taunts
and haunts
Sometimes wont leave me alone

This *****, ***** word
Is really starting to take hold
It happens when I'm happy
It happens when I'm sad

I guess the words are manic,
anxious and depressed
It sounds much better simply said
Then the  real words they represent

I skipped my medication
I skipped my only step
I could blame it on some other thing
But I'm the one at fault  

I lose control of everything
Of the world that I try to control
Will there ever be a cure for the way that I feel
Or will suicide finally take hold

It gets worse the older I get
I fear it will only grow
I hate how this feels
I hate who this makes me
I just want to feel normal again

Look at us,
The thirst for green is disgusting
We exploit the lands which aren't ours
We bury the children with so much potential in their eyes
So that we can make a buck or buy a cheaper HDTV
Why should a capitalist care
If a Brazilian child is dying in their mother's fragile arms,
It's one less mouth for the world to feed
And less food for them means more to feed our obese bellies
They say we have evolved so much in the past millennium
When in reality we are exactly the same but with new inventions
And more toys yet we still complain
It's always been about power
Yet the world is in a worse condition because equality is a non existent term
Just like freedom of speech
And the good guy of war
Don't you see what is going on?
Yet we prefer not to see because it is too depressing
Or doesn't affect our daily lives
Look at the inequalities of our own country
There are men women and children starving on the street
Our privileged leaders send those away who only wanted a chance
to fight for something that nobody should believe in.
Keep turning a blind eye and see where that leads you in your life
Because remember you aren't taking anything with you
Except your memories on the day in which you die

If the tears are falling down my face,
Don't you worry,
I'll be alright.
If the sun in the sky refuses to shine,
Don't you worry, baby,
Even the brighest of stars need to hide away sometimes.
Don't you know that I'm defeated?
I'm losing myself a piece at a time.
When I look in the mirror,
I don't recognize that it's me,
Just a stranger running on empty.
And I feel so used, so beaten, insecure,
I don't know what I'm even doing anymore.
So if you kick me while I'm already down,
Should I even be surprised?
If it happens again well I guess I'm just the fool.
They'll shake their heads with their looks of pity and I told you so spread across their grin,
So if the tears are falling down my face,
Don't you worry.  
I'll be alright.

Occupy my head,
Is what my heart has said,
And as we all know,
So the story goes,
My heart- it tends to win.

Reason says I'm stupid,
A gambling fool,
I used to be the one to play by society's rules.
Now I'm nothing more than a hypocrite,
Dont believe me? It's the truth.

I dont know why I'm chasing,
When I should run fast and far away,
But the silence aches for something I could only dream that I have had.
Yet I carry on, settling for nothing but a sign,
Hoping at the very least I get a real goodbye.

I feel so ******* desperate.
Attachment isn't really my thing,
Except the connection is strong,
Even though it's so wrong,
Why did you go without a single word?

I suppose you're my shortest breath of inspiration,
The ghosted object of my affection.
The joke came true,
I guess we both knew,
You'd eventually become my muse.

Gone before you came,
Your infatuation must have finally faded.
No matter then.
I guess we weren't friends.
So please! I beg...
Stop occupying my head.

Can I ask you...?
**** that.
I demand to know.
How much is enough?

When a friend turns around,
To stab you in the heart ,
Where it hurts the most,
Instead of in the back.
While the people you love
Choose to manipulate and abuse
When a man can ignore a woman
Because he doesn't get the answer he wants
Even if she's told the truth
How much is enough?

I am floating, floating out of my mind, I am dying
unable to cry
as I watch my life fade by.
I am done
done
done
done

Because I am always wrong
There's no point
When it's only lies
But the lies aren't flying out my mouth anymore
it's only you
and I know you accuse because you are being eaten alive
So do us both a favor
And finally say goodbye.

Tie this red ribbon

Around my eyes
So tight that I can't see

Maybe it will squeeze away
How much you mean to me.
Pull it tighter and tighter until
My feelings fall out of my mind
And into these walls
A memory of what would never be
A love one sided, unforgiving, and untrue to you
Just take it
Take it all
Take my heart
Then take my soul
I don't know where I stand
I'm not going to understand

Take this ribbon
Wrap it tight
Tie it in knots
I'll win this time
Make me fall
Make me crawl
You've already done
So much worse to me
Break me
Shake me
Push me down

I just want to

Stop waiting for you to come around

Take this ribbon
Remove it from my eyes
Cut it into to pieces
Burn it
Throw it
Just so it's no longer in my sight

Blood is lava,
Boiling hot in my veins,
When your eyes gaze upon me,
Dancing carelessly over flesh so hungry,
Begging for that touch,
Sensual warmth of another,
Who ignites excitement,
Wanting,
Creating unknown needs,
And unimaginable wants,
I crave,
I desire,
Your body,
Your love.

Some things just are not meant to be
The sun in the middle of twilight
A butterfly resting in a nest full of hornets
You and me.

Everything you ever promised
They were all lies
I wish I could shake it
But for some reason I miss you so much tonight.

Some things just are not meant to be
Children dying of disease
Vegetable flavored ice cream
But most of all you and me.

Spectacular is the image of self defeat
When everything around me shines so brightly
The only thing I can see is darkness seeping out of every beam
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
But how can I make a sound when I can't even breathe?
There's no conclusion to the bottomless pit of this scene
The only thing I can see is my vulnerability being used against me
When everything around me has been built upon lies and secrecy
Spectacular is the image of self defeat.

If love decided to be perfect,
Humanity may become humane.
Brokenness could deteriorate,
Jealousy a forgotten game.

If love decided to be perfect,
Peace may have a chance.
Honesty would blossom in acceptance,
We could achieve  our unfathomable dreams.

If love decided to be perfect,
A wholeness within could be filled.
The negativity that tomorrow always finds,
could finally close its eyes and die.

Alas, love shall never be perfect,
Hate- its true desire.
Good fortune always shines above waiting,
To turn into a most painful destruction.

What's your name? I'm not so sure I should tell you mine you seem like the type of guy I've known in the past. I always fall for someone that everyone says I shouldn't am I really that blind? I like your brown hair, it matches your eyes they're deep and pregnant trying to explode but you prefer to hide all of those lies. Are you capable of changing my mind? You smell like my past, the mix of cheap cologne and the thick smoke of cigarettes battling against each other but neither coming ahead. I hate to be so blunt, or is that what I'm supposed to say I don't want to seem arrogant, your teeth are straight and white your smile might make me forget everything I'm afraid to let go of can I see it one more time? Maybe we should keep it like this, stay lovers and never be friends. Use fake names and plagiarize words we both need to hear because your face tells me your heart is as broken as mine and neither of us want to love each other. Let's get drunk off of generic light beer and turn off all the lights. I just want to taste the stale menthol lingering on your breath trying to escape the malted beverage failing to cleanse your mouth, I need to absorb your kiss to remember a night so long ago, I want to close my eyes and go back in that moment where ignorance was my only friend. I'll pretend to be her if you pretend to be him, because we both deserve this desirable sin.

-----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------


Hey.
What's your name?
I'm not so sure I should tell you mine.
So please don't speak a word of truth.
You seem like the type of guy I've known in the past.
Dangerous and broken,
Tormented and dark.
I always fall for the ones I'm not supposed to.
Am I really that blind?
I like your brown hair,
Or maybe it's more black.
Either way
It matches your eyes
So deep and pregnant trying to explode,
but I can tell you prefer to hide all of those lies.
Are you capable of changing my mind?
You smell like my past,
the mix of cheap cologne and the thick smoke of cigarettes,
battling against each other but neither coming ahead.
I hate to be so blunt, or is that what I'm supposed to say?
I don't want to seem arrogant, but I think I just might.  
Your teeth are straight and white, beautiful in a way.
Your smile might make me forget everything I'm afraid to let go of,
Even if it's just for  today.
Will you burn me with your happy pain one more time?
Maybe we should keep it like this,
Stay lovers and never be friends.
Use fake names and plagiarize words we both need to hear,
because your face tells me your heart is as broken as mine
and neither of us are capable of loving each other.
Let's get drunk off of  this generic light beer,
Turn off all the lights.
I want to taste the stale menthol lingering on your breath
trying to escape the malted beverage failing to cleanse your mouth,
I need to absorb your kiss to remember a night so long ago.
I want to close my eyes and go back in that moment where ignorance was my only friend.
I'll pretend to be her if you pretend to be him,
because we both deserve this desirable sin.

Think back to a time when the world was innocent
When the sun didn't torture
Think back to the last time your smile wasn't a lie
I bet you can't
You live in your plastic world
Where nothing can be tarnished
And a single dent in your flawless identity
Is worse then ******* the oxygen out of a child's lungs
And devouring their soul deep within your selfish throat
My identity is full of darkness
Yet it's required in your presence to find a positive light
It's exhausting to pretend, it's exhausting to see your perfect face
Because you know what I'm never going to be okay
I hate how it's okay to be happy
Because happiness is only meant to leave those who are unfortunate enough in feeling it more aware of what it is like to want to watch the life drip out of every pore that freckles their skin
How can you possibly understand?
You wont until you blow you're life away because the only time you felt pain you couldn't handle it
I guess it's just a perfect ******* day for bananafish
boom

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Suicide trickles sweetly
Down a tree covered in blood soaked scars
Falling victim to the predator that dictated it.
Death, rarely more precious than fragile life
Is strangely beautiful in this rare and gruesome scene.

Wrap me up so tight,
so tight
In your big strong arms
I'm so happy I could die
Kiss me on the forehead
The butterflies fly,
they fly
And I could stay in your arms forever
I'll put on your t-shirt that you threw on the floor
From our sleepover the night before
The one I slipped on when you chased me out of the bed
And caught me before my head hit the door
Where the popcorn exploded all over the kitchen
Because we were too busy to notice the popping
Since I'm so ticklish (it's a little ridiculous!)
And you have all the resistance in the world.
And the next time I see you
I'll beat you at the staring contest
Even though I hate staring
Maybe I'll just kiss you
And the world will be at peace
We can lay under the stars again
And watch the earth spinning around
Talking about nothing in particular
But everything that is important
You can be the **** stranger I've never noticed
And I can be the girl who has been waiting all her life for you.

I dream about you everynight
Its always so beautiful and serene
You hold my hand while we walk in the wet morning grass
Blanket soaked with fresh dew since you held me as we watched the sun both set and rise
I see your eyes, darker than mine big, bright and full of hope
As you stare lovingly in the warm moonlight
While we slowly dance to beautiful old love songs
You have a voice both sweet and deep
Your whisper softly singing my to sleep
I feel the butterflies in my stomach
When your lips brush against mine
I feel my heart beating in my chest
And you tell me how you'll always be mine
Then I wake up
Looking to the left
But I am alone, wondering when I will meet you
I hope your existence isn't all in my hea

I watch you walk out the door
And all I do is cry
It plays over in my head
And I wish there was never such a thing as goodbye
Because my heart is healing on pieces of shattered ice
It stings and it burns and it's sharper than glass
I fake a smile and live my life
Because I can't hold onto a broken past
And I know even though the days feel empty
And the hours replay thoughts of you in my mind
I'm letting go
But its going to take time
There's no use in convincing someone to love me
Even though I think I need you in my life
I want you more than I've ever wanted anything
The abandonment hurts worse than burning alive
I thought you were different
But you let me down the same way that all the people I ever let my self love did
And I hope someday I can move on
And I hope I can find someone that can love me
Not pretend like they do because they needed me to be there
I don't want to be a doormat, an outlet, someone to take all your anger out on.
I need someone that I can never let down
Even when I'm at my worse
Someone who will hold my heart with security
And I hope I can let myself love again
Because I'm so ******* sick of being broken hearted
And it would be such a shame because I am such a loving person
With so much to give
I'm sick of people saying that they love me
Then breaking my heart and letting me fall down.
I'm sick of being alone
And dreaming of you in my bed
I'm sick of breathing sometimes
I'm just exhausted because this isn't what I wanted
I've never felt so low and down about myself in my entire life

Hello stranger,
Do you want to be my friend?
I noticed you from across the room and my heart started to skip a beat
I'll be honest with you
Even though I don't know you
You're eyes are the most beautiful things I have ever seen,
I haven't felt so strong about a stranger in a long time
But someday I can see myself loving you
Is that strange?

I guess not
Since you took my hand and sat me down
Talked to me for hours
And never tried to make anything but a cautious sound
Told me I was beautiful
And I believed it for the first time in years
You called me the next day
And we spent all day replaying images in our head
On the cool moist grass with the sun purposely reddening our skin

I looked into your eyes
A blue I have never seen
Something like the sunlit sky and the darkest part of the ocean mixed cautiously over low heat
I told you again how your eyes made my heart sink
And you told me that they are only blue
That mine are so rare, dark, green, and beautiful
I felt butterflies flying like crazy
And I wanted to lean in and kiss your soft full lips
But you beat me to it
And I can honestly say
It felt better than good
And now you're stuck in my head.

Please Don’t Cry For Me
Please Don’t Cry for Me
We’ll be so happy
I promise, babe, just wait and see
Please Don’t Cry for Me
Please Don’t Cry For me
I know it hurts now, I’m sorry
But we’re better off, babe, just wait and see
Please Don’t Cry for Me
Please Don’t Cry for Me

In Memory of Stacey Ann 12-19-1987 to 02-05-2013

If I could light the sky
In the darkest hours
only
To make you smile
I'd pluck a match and throw it high

Black consumed by orange for the world to see

No one else can divert my affection
I only see the flames dance across your deep ocean eyes
Love is too weak of a word to describe

The beauty of it all
Releases the ache in your soul

Equilibrium has been accomplished within the cleanse of our burnt existence

I'm out here
Where nobody can find me tonight
Swallowing stale raindrops
Looking to the clouds for some kind of sign
Is this a test?
Because I can't help but question my faith in God
I'm losing my mind
And this time it isn't fun.
I let the temptation of the cancerous demon fill my lungs
I need this addiction
To **** this clinching stomach ache
Why do I feel
When I'd rather be numb?
The ghosts of my past wont stop bothering me
When I only want to be alone in my pitiful misery.
My heart is dead but the pain still remains
Maybe I never truly wanted to be saved.

Some days,
I wish,
I could,
just disappear.
Some days, man,
I feel so low.
Some days,
I skip around,
looking for that buzz,
that escape,
that something.
Some days,
I think and it gets me;
yeah gets me off that track,
I don't know if I'll get it back.
Oh, no, no, no, no!

I feel the rain,
yeah,
it pours down so hard,
I keep on walking.
Maybe it'll wash away my sins.
(I really doubt it.)
I feel,
yeah,
I feel,
when I wish that it would all just go numb.
Slaving away to find my sanity.
Oh, no,
the drugs will save me.

Sometimes,
just a hit,
just enough,
to keep me going.
It knocks out all the noise in my brain.
Sometimes when I smile,
yeah,
I fake it,
a grin of denial,
oh lord I feel like dying.
Maybe I'll pop,
a couple more,
just a few more bumps,
such a sick little gamble.
Maybe,
but I really dont know,
because,
sometimes,
you say
"I love you. Oh, baby you're my whole world."
It tears me apart,
yeah actions scream while words don't make a sound.
Yeah, oh yeah.


I feel the rain,
yeah,
it pours down so hard,
I keep on walking.
Maybe it'll wash away my sins.
(I really doubt it.)
I feel,
yeah,
I feel,
when I wish that it would all just go numb.
Slaving away to find my sanity.
Oh, no,
the drugs will save me.

You took away the only part of me that was still breathing

Laying on the ***** linoleum I picked myself back up

I grabbed for that piece you so violently took away.

I may not have gotten all of it back, but most of it is with me.

You aren't a bad person you're just a fool

But then again I just might  be one too.

I drive to your house only late at night,
To take off my clothes and turn off the lights.
I stare into the pillow because I hate your ******* eyes,
I don't know why I do it,
It makes me sick inside.
When its over, you touch my skin, you hold me close, you watch me as I slowly close my eyes.
I wake up to the sunlight, your dreams far from mine, your body is right next to me, unreachable, cold and empty feeling begin to hurricane in my mind.
Left neglected like a teenager's childhood doll, you leave me there to sleep, not even saying a single word, barely even a goodbye as I walk out of your front door.
Never knowing if I will see you again.
I drive home full of guilt, knowing I should have said no, what's worse is I know you have someone else, that you will spend all day playing couple with, and I'm too lonely and pathetic to let this go.

Liquid nightmares burn me in my sleep

I'm settling for something wrong

I'm positioning myself for immense disaster

Could I be happier this way

Or is it better to **** the lack of what I need

With a fire burning into my stomach and expanding into my blood

The confidence blows over me too subtle to notice

I need what is stubbornly being refused

I'm in a state of oppression and its all my fault

I want a love that isn't based on being good at the surreptitious setting locked behind closed doors

Some days I convince myself that I'm expecting too much from this enlightened situation

I shake the feeling

Doesn't every girl deserve to be given what she wants in return?

The clear fire doesn't sting on its way down this time

Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling I realize in my drunken state of mind

Three things are certain:

Grey Goose and poignant thoughts create waterfalls from my eyes

Truth is a mystery because life is merely a pretentious lie

I'm in love with a person that only exists in my heart.

Dissolve into a paradox of unimaginable creations

life doesn't have to be a series of sarcastically serious games

i cant even remember the last time you made me laugh

and i have every reason to be selfish in this regard

i'm done being nice

i'm putting on my game face; i'm going to be just like you

3...2...1...

**** right I've changed

This is who I've become

I barely have a heart left

My soul couldn't take anymore pain

The two are frozen in a parallel world

You're Right

I'm ******* crazy now

I lost track so I ignored my mind

Fed up with emotional roller coaster head games grew some common sense and left its owner to rot in a self decaying cage

I'm a shell to you that's all I can be anymore

Why shouldn't I have lied?

It wasn't me at all to say the words that weren't true

But now I don't have to lie

I'm not scared of you anymore

and growing up my parents were less strict than you

Ive had enough fathers for one lifetime

I wanted a boyfriend that understood and was empathetic of what life this age is like.

Trust was never an issue because you never had any to start with

Petrified that I'd be just another slutty girl

You never hesitated to put me down for things I don't do

So how do you like me now?

You destroyed the part of me that gave a ****

I'm done playing nice

That girl is far-gone

I'm not bitter nor am I full of hate

"Treat others the way you want to be treated" Is ******* that defies human nature

I'm not the type of person that prefers to be confined to set rules and boundaries

Maybe you were right

maybe we are pushing something that isn't meant to be

You need submission

I need to be able to live my life

*** equals lust

I need love.

Neither of us will change to each others liking

Maybe we both just need to figure **** out and grow the hell up

All the feeling,
Wrapped and deep,
My eyes so heavy,
I can't sleep.
Wash my skin with powdered bleach,
Can't get clean,
As your ***** thoughts sink inside of me.

I've become a pathetic waste,
Of absorbent space,
I feel myself dissolving slowly.
I am what I hate,
Isn't that great?
Unconciously bashing my throbbing head for some sense of release.

Change is inevitable,
Proven by this picture,
Unreachable,
Disappearing into mist.
Forced to forget who I used to be,
Stripping any sense of a former sanity.

Yet,
You're still beautiful,
In an acutely macabre way.
In all that you do,
All that you say.
I want to touch your lepers' skin,
Watch you melt away in shame.
Laugh at the pleasure I feel,
As you slowly engulf in my pain.

All the feeling
Wrapped and deep,
My eyes so heavy,
Finally asleep,
Struck with vicarious feeling of your body suffocating under me.

She writes a story of an empty promise
A shallow dream
Where a body lays sloppily covered with a mound of dirt
Screaming for attention it never got within the existence of life
Nobody seems to mind
While the soul of the tormented cries selfishly over what was lost
What was taken for granted
Given up without a thought
Now left to wallow in the winds
No chance for tomorrow
And nobody to blame but his own stupid choice
To put a revolver in his mouth
And press the button
To an unforgivable sin
An irreversible curse of self pity
And the inability to feel the tickle of God's creatures ripping away what is left
Of that hallow subsistence
She writes a story of an empty promise
Again..
and Again...
With no chance for an end

sink ships with maximum capacity

a crash

baby there is no turning back

you'd wish you were high off of something stronger

your only care leaves you feeling so
...low  

better quality
sharper design

and as the chunks are cut

slip

run and hide

there's no more room left for error when the biggest pieces have already been destroyed

you wish you could control your mind

but you don't remember why it was shaving thinly at the softest layers of your heart

darling, my sweetest friend

this is why i don't do drugs

razor blade nightmares don't create powder dreams

it makes for a bitter reality

a dead feeling that fate wont ever end

It eats me alive
Ripping through like a twister
Unpredictable
I never know when it will hit and when it will die

I think it's a lie
I'd rather feel numb than pain
The coward's honor may not be to desire
Then again the grass is always greener

The source seems unreachable
The hypersensitivity gets so unbearable
Breathing alone is a chore
I am no longer human

Then the sun comes back out
Suddenly I can see
It feels so great until I wonder
How long do I get to be me?

When reality opens ignorance's eyes
She tries so hard to shut them
but her mind is moving so fast
pain invades and numbs her veins
the blood flow shortens
and her breathing stops

Its easier to live in the fast lane
Because eventually you'll get hit
And at a maximum velocity
You will be dead on arrival
Isn't that a lovely thought?

I know I'm slightly overreacting
But I also know I'm only second best
I knew what i was getting myself into
And the thoughts terrorize me
Can I believe it when you say you love me still

Promise me it will all be okay
Because sometimes I'm positive it wont.

I read your words
They seep with pain
My heart is beating hard
Its getting harder to breathe
You were everything beautiful
What love was supposed to be
I still shiver when I think of how you touched my body
The way your lips absorbed every part of me
Now I'm drowning in your river of self decay
Because I can't feel what I felt
I would do anything but you threw it all away
Wasted on innocence and insecurity
It just wasn't in our cards
You were everything beautiful
What love was supposed to be
Please baby, don't cry
I'll hold you in my arms
No promises but tonight I will try
Our history one of the greatest tragedies
Not even Shakespeare could write.
Do you remember when you picked me up in the pouring rain?
I was running
I'm not sure what from
But you called me, or maybe I called you
I loved listening to music with you
And watching weird movies in your dark room
I never spoke because there were never the right words to say
I thought you could be the one
But what does any girl know at 17?
You were everything beautiful
Everything I wanted you to be
There is no shame in the feelings we shared
I'm afraid pride will never let us know
Let us know anything.
You are everything beautiful
Your songs,
Your lips,
Your silly tattoos
But I'm sorry I can never let myself trust you.

2 years ago my lover died,
He died overseas.
2 years ago my lover died,
And I can't shake this feeling.
I loved him,
Lord,
oh I loved that boy so,
why oh why did he have to go?
His heart was mine,
Mine, mine, mine,
Why oh why did he have to go?
2 years ago my lover died,
Although his physical body remains
His mind is forever controlled by a demon's soul.
2 years ago my lover died,
I've never felt so alone.

She ruins everything!
Mouth runs a mile a minute about topics taboo,
Words that a lady should never speak,
Oh she is so obscene!

I would hide her away,
No, no, no I would say,
Just stay,
You are much to inappropriate to come out and play!

She's like a surprise in a bottle
Her label simply reads "Add fire water"
The one that distorts my perception,
Waking her from her desolate sleep.

She smiles a devious smile,
Back from the dead if only for awhile.
Only I know what malicious plans hide underneath,
She may fool everyone else but she can't fool me.

I wish she would just stop talking,
But the more I add the drink,
The more she feels obligated to speak.
Then all control on my behalf is lost.

I feel like a fool when I wake up,
The headache she caused pounding like debt collectors at my door,
I can't take back the mess she caused the night before,
My indulgence is starting to get out of control.

That day was magic.
The first moment he touched my skin it felt like I would die.
The last time he touched his lips to mine I thought I might melt; I could barely kiss his back.
The silence shared between our tempted mouths was beautiful while the conversation between two sets of eyes could have lasted a lifetime. I hate when anyone looks at me for too long but I never minded it if it was you.
I know your eyes never judge what it sees in me, they only admire, touch.
The stroke across my temple sweeping like a paintbrush with your fingertips tells me I'm beautiful without saying a word.
Whispering with your embrace for one more chance of what could have been.
I never gave into the fact of feeling butterflies and seeing fireworks until I felt your fingers through my hair and your mouth upon my body.
I never believed in love until I felt your eyes hypnotize mine.
Is it still too late?
Too much time and too many mistakes?
Because I still believe in the connection and I know you feel it too.
If I could feel my innocence lost in your touch one last time, maybe I could determine if it really is true.

I remember when I stood beneath the broken New York City sky and felt your kiss within its splashing death
I remember sitting in your old car listening to ****** music and feeling your eyes dance over my blushing skin
And the way you adored my innocence as you held it gently in your hands trying so desperately not to crush it but taking enough to make me straddle a boundary between adolescence and adulthood
I remember when you made me laugh and
I remember sneaking out just so i could spend a moment or two and how hard my heart pounded when you touched me
I remember hour long phone conversations about nothing but they made my lips tingle into an honest smile
Or the way you always told me I was so beautiful and I knew you were never lying.
I also remember when you hurt me then told me you were falling in love
Then it all fell apart
We were never true lovers maybe only in our heads
And I'm not sure we were ever really friends
but even after so many years
And knowing what love really does feel like
Even after many times I told you I never would
And though I never shared that emotion with you
I still remember when we had those beautiful moments
Though small, always wonderful intense and true.

I've fallen.
I've fallen for someone I'll never meet.
Someone I'll never know.
He exists as a fantasy.

Possessing the most imaginative depths of my mind
As Sylvia said, I've likely made you up as a figment in my head.  

I'll never know his smell
Or taste
His voice, whispers brushing against my ear
The shivers are the only part that is real.

The lust I have could grow to love
If I ever had the chance
If we ever had a chance
It likely wouldn't last
That is if he were here
As if he existed at all

Lonely,
Lost souls found themselves connect
Like long lost friends that couldn't resist
Who ever thought it would turn out like this
Friends who care turned to friends who ignore
Friends who never were friends
Just passing by to pass the time

Maybe we would have been lovers
Irresistible to each others touch
I guess I scared him to much
That is if he even existed at all
I miss him though
Ignored and all

Timing was wrong
Life paths couldn't cross
Forbidden but stalled
I wish I would have never responded at all.

Take a Step Back

And Look at the picture you painted

You See Me Standing There

All Alone

All Alone

But I'm Still The Star Of Your Show

You Beat Me Down

To The Point of never standing back up

You took my heart

between your gentle fingers

created a monster

choked to death

its gone

and I'm never coming back

Did you get what you wanted?

Tell me is this what you wanted it all along?

Then You took my face

Touched it lightly

Told me it was now or never

The distance between the bullet and the barrel

seems inevitable and shorter than ever

As it rests between your puckered lips

You're not the victim

But you play the role so well

It feels like you have faked this all before

Behind your crying gray eyes

You're out to ****** again

You know its

Your fault its

All made up

In That Tormented head

You say you

Imagine Nothing

You See It How It Really Is

Well Darling

I might be a liar

But you're a killer

I'm shaking on the cold floor covered in sweat

Look at the blood

Dripping from my leg

One Final Slip

So remember the pills

Because I'll never forget

She died last night
What a terrible mess
She was so beautiful
Full of so much potential
Nobody could see the sadness in her eyes
She was good at hiding it
Nobody knew she had addictions that controlled her life
And as soon as she cut them loose
There was only one choice
She constantly talked about crossing over
To discover another sense
A possibility at a different life
Suicide was constantly written on her lips
or carved rather
with a blunt razor blade
Last night she died
What a terrible mess
She was so beautiful
I hope she is at rest

I am  vulnerable to my emotion and it leaves me lying here like a baby imprisoned in a crib wishing i was in your arms but knowing that love will never be enough
I am thinking here about the past, about the future but unable to understand the present because I am too much of a coward to face what is happening
I'll lock all the doors and hide away.
I'll remember your kiss until it fades away
I'm in withdrawal and its making me sick
Like a heroine addict that is so desperately trying to quit
I'll forget you
Like I forgot the other men
I'll regret you
For all the crying and all the pain
But I'll love you
Until the day I close my eyes to life
And appear as a figure in the shadow of death
I wanted this more than  anything in the world
but we all have to swallow the pills to a brighter tomorrow
so that we can be happy once again

I wish I could
Fake a Rhyme
Burn the Sky
Fire Ablaze
Sinking into the horizon
For all to see
So the ignorant believe
Maybe happiness will enfold
All who hate...
...relate
...discriminate

I wish the world
Would be okay
For the heart of a child
And the warmth of a home
So that a love
Pure and true
will enclose
will infuse
all who lie...
...cry
...die

I hope for the truth
For the Pain
For the cruelty
Everything to curse upon
The open world
Full of youth
Innocent and oblivious
To the hurt
We all bring

I hope someday
Children will be able
To play
How it used to be
In the days
Where a child was a kid
And their parents were adults
But until that perfect day
I pray we all will be okay

It doesn't look the way it feels
It doesn't feel the way it should
She can feel her mind collapsing in her head
And nobody is there to watch as she falls
Nobody to see it fall in the shape of tears
It feels like a pulsating sensation
It feels like someone is softly taking a bristle brush
and moving it over her swelling brain
And nobody is there to see the convulsions
Nobody to see as all the progress slithers like ghosts to hide in the walls
Old habits can come back
And the only thing left to save her is the pleas of a twisted conscious
crying no in the fog inside the suffocating reason chocking
And nobody is there to hold her hand as she gasps for breath
Nobody is to hold her hand as another piece of her is cut and thrown away to rot in the field with all her other feelings left for dead

It's all a game
A fantasy of make believe
And the Princess lays a wasted old woman
Because she thought it was reality
Her life is gone
Her dreams escaped
She cries as she sees her wrinkled haggard face
He stole her youth and prosperity.

Sometimes you think people are different
The words they speak are exotic and new
The desire to be loved is a fixation
And you'll be abused by those who need to be wanted
People only want you when they need you
When they need someone to be there
When they need you to tell them that you still care...

I'm sick of this disease
All it ever does is **** the brain and haunt your heart.
And I wont be a victim anymore
I refuse to be a convenience and nothing more.

She believed every word that her Prince ever spoke
And now she lays a wasted old woman
Dying,
All alone.

Late night fairy tales never told before,
As I drive down a forbidden avenue to arrive at your front door.
Years it seems because years it has been,
Since you held me in your arms and seduced me with your sin.

You're a vision from my past,
I remember oh so well,
You made my body tingle,
A foolish young girl with no story yet to tell.

You seem to be a stranger,
Still exciting as before,
Your words still shock and confuse
To you I fear I will never grow immune

The parking lot love affair we had a distant memory
As we sit and reminince over coffee
I feel like that awkward teenage girl you used to know
With hair in her eyes avoiding your stare.

We talk about our lives
The ones we've loved and lost
We talk about how it used to be
The emotion that seems so far gone

Then you whisper that you love me
I'm not sure if its true
I don't care- tonight I feel so comfortable
Living in this moment with you.

sing to me, one last time I know you're voice isn't beautiful but it heals my soul.

tell me, one more time that you don't need me, because it kills every part of me.

don't you see i'm crazy just like you? we need help but wont let ourselves be saved

so we take each other and tear and rip the flesh right off the bones because somehow that's better

i'm sick. to my stomach. if i could, i would disappear into this mattress, and black sheet. it cant keep me warm like you do anyway.

i'm tired of fighting, done with lying its not a game why did i ever try to win?

now i'm stuck here listening to "I told you so" but they don't know, they wont ever know my love for you is real.

I'm young, you hit it right on the head everything you thought of me. but i'm not a ****, nor would i ever pretend to be that sheep in wolves clothing.

So keep the part of me and never let it go. Keep the memories photographed with detail of an exciting children's story. I know.. fairy tales aren't real.

This feeling, I cant get rid of, and I've been numb for months.

No use for a razor blade, The only thing to wake me up:
Is your touch.

be smart, listen to me, forget your heart. You wont be happy girl, but you might be better off. If its meant to be, let it go... it never comes back just so you know.

Don't cry for me
Even though I'm dead
Suicide doesn't really hurt
That bad
I miss you my darling,
But this was the right thing to do
Because the pain left my body
Through the ****** exit wounds.
You'll find a girl
Forget about me
Someone that will actually
Make you happy.
I tried but my life
It failed to grow
I'll tell the devil that is wasn't your fault, so you know.
It was just my time to go.
Don't cry for me
Even though I'm dead
Suicide was the only choice I ever had
I walk the earth
But my feelings are buried deep within my rotting body
I'm finally free
From all the misery.
I'll kiss your tears
I know it hurts
But don't cry for me
The deed is done.

Every night When I close my eyes
I think about what could be
You're everything I have ever wanted
You're better than my sweetest dreams
You are more than what I could pray for
Your eyes shine brighter than the stars above
Your kiss makes me shiver and melt all at once
Sometimes I wonder where you came from
I swore to God I'd never feel this way again
But each day you prove me wrong
I get anxiety and my heart starts to pump
Like a middle school girl with a middle school crush
And sometimes I think I'm falling in...
But I stop myself short from thinking such things
Because I know that I could be getting my hopes up
I know that things may never be
People say I should just let my guard down
Because you could be just what I need
But I'm doing my best with the situation at hand
I'll simply leave it at
I want to be in your arms
Feel your breath on my neck
Your sweet whisper in my ear
And simply just be with you.

I'm a little bit damaged,
Of this I wont dare lie.
I was a broken heart held together with glue,
A soul of unquestionably biased pride.
I never pictured happiness,
Until the day I met you.
I never dreamed of stability,
It seemed far fetched,
Too good to be true.
I can be a little bit crazy,
And this,
A **** poor excuse,
But true to my word I just never knew any better.
It's the only path I ever knew.
My trust may sometimes fade,
And my words sometimes harsh and rude.
I'm by no means a perfect person,
Even if I try to be for you.
I do want you to know that I want to be what you need,
The girl that's strong,
The woman that supports you through and through.
I don't want to imagine a life,
That exists without you.
I'm sorry you've seen those pieces,
The ones that I tried to hide.
I'm sorry you saw the emotions,
The ones I forgot existed inside.
You make me smile,
You make me feel complete,
You make my heart melt,
Your kisses are pure ecstasy.
And I know sometimes it may not seem true,
But baby I really, honestly am so in love with you.

I don't want to face the truth
Waking up is hard enough when
All I do is dream of you
Where did your heart wander off to?
How can you do this to me?
Slit my throat and left me dying

Too late
Can't play
Jury's verdict is guilty as charged
Wont Wait
Your Games
Are over and nobody won

Locked and buried deep within
The cemetery of my heart
Rose from the dead to tear me apart
All the promises you lied
Did you ever mean those words
Or were you trying to rip out my insides?

Too late
Can't play
Jury's verdict is guilty as charged
Won't wait
Your Games
Are over and nobody won.