Lord,
you tell me to serve you,
but I haven't heard even a whisper
about this path and purpose
you intend me to pursue.

God said
“love your enemies”
but he didn't tell us
what to do when it hurts,
when a piece of your heart it attached to every kind word and gesture
that then gets picked apart
and shredded into shards that shoot
right back at me.

Our Father affirms
how we must forgive our trespassers,
but he didn't tell us how to repair the damage,
how to stop being taken advantage of,
or how to stand up for ourselves.
He didn't tell us how to end the the cycles,
just how to continue them
by turning over your other cheek
and not withhold even your tunic.

Jesus preached
about how we should love our neighbors as ourselves,
but he didn't say what to do when you’re full of self-hate
or when nobody cares that you care about them
because they're too busy trying to get someone else's approval.

He also said
"Don't let your hearts be troubled”
but he didn't say what to do
when they don't listen to you,
when there's so much at stake,
when your world caves in,
when you're cast aside like dust
but the world still wants to much,
or when you're just not happy and you don't know why everything is so hard,

or when you're wide awake at night,
knowing
the ones you care about the most
could be on the verge of breaking
their skin.

People warned me,

turned against me,

said I was a fool.



Yet you I trusted

but now that's busted.

Still my love overrules



And I don't wanna ****

something so divine.

Who knew I could have

so much love inside?

Even through all the suffering,

for you I’d still give anything.



You’ve turned my care into a curse,

my offer of aid into a disgrace.

You're always messing with my mind,

sabotaged all I tried to rebuild.



Now I lie in bed alone

clinging to all you left me.

I still look for your attention

and I have cried so much

over your wandering affection,

over how I miss your touch.

Tell me how can I move on

when I’ve loved you so wholly?



But I don't wanna ****

something so divine.

Highly doubt I could

even if I tried.

I’ve held on so tightly

though it’d suffocate me.

But even through all the suffering,

for you I would do anything.

I’m sorry I got that question wrong.
I’m sorry I can't move on.

I’m sorry I'm not smarter.
I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger.

I’m sorry how I take on as much as I can
only to ***** it all up.
And I’m sorry I couldn't find the man
inside my empty cup.

I’m sorry I waste my time away
trying to find a dreamy way
to happiness
when of course,
there's no such thing.

I’m sorry I don't talk much anymore
or that I let on how my heart is sore
from all the roughness
and how it keeps beating
without a source.

In fact, I must confess,
I am dying under boundless stress.
Each day my depression attacks,
reopening these countless cracks.
So many times have I walked this hall
feeling so weak and so small,
bracing for a final fall
just waiting till my lifeline snaps,
like any second I’ll collapse,
but of course I never do,
I know better than that.

But if I were to give my final words today,
this is exactly what I would say.
But that I won't undergo
I suppose you’ll never know

how sorry I am that there's nothing I’m on top of
and for dormantly letting endless piles of work tower above.

And how I’m sorry for caring more than I should
and letting myself be so consumed.

I’m sorry for impeding the impedeless
and for hoping in the hopeless.

And finally,
most especially,
I am sorry
for wanting to be so important
and that I became nothing but torment.
I am sorry for wanting so hard to be heard
when it's clear I’ll only ever come third.
I’m sorry for thinking I could matter
or that I could make things better.
I am sorry for believing
that I could amount to anything
at all.

Funny how it is the aftermath
that feels like the most painful path.
Though that moment is gone,
I can't seem to move on.

It's when memories start to haunt you,
and the present seems so far away,
you're stuck in a past that clouds your view
replaying all the scenes that sting like daggers
and crying over what's no longer there.
It feels so unfair.

It's when the brain begins to rewrite history
and squeezes it into an ugly frame.
Then when you try to pull out, suddenly
things never seem the same;
the past just won't settle
and it leaves you scrambled.

It's an everyday battle
when you're brain tries to convince you
that you're not loved,
that you're never enough,
and that this was all your fault,
and I have to tell myself a hundred times it's not the case.
When it starts to convert pain into hate
and blissful nostalgia into greif
It’s not fun, in brief.

Now I feel like I’m dying inside
day and night, sometimes all the time
as if this will never subside.

Imagine waking up and remembering,
then wishing you could just stop thinking.
Imagine you do something enjoying,
then realize you're not deserving.

Every couple that passes by
internally makes me cry.
And any heart that catches my eye
looks a bit broken,
like it's bleeding or darkened
or has that imaginary zig-zag line
like there is on mine.

Heartbreak is hard.
Living with it is harder.

Infinity is not a number
nothing lasts forever

I promised you I would always stay,
swore on a bond I thought would never break.
Then there came a time everything conflict
but I meant every word, every bit of it.
I can still remember myself say
That I’m with you, all the way.

I held on so tightly, refusing to let go,
my heart cracking wildly with every push-pull.
I found myself drowning in all that I know,
but I’m not one for giving up. No, I stay faithful...
I do everything that I can to lift you up.
I give anything without ever planning to stop.

And then for a moment, when I’m left alone with my dreams,
a voice pipes up asking, what about these?
And what about
me?

I march and stagger onward, far under the stars
Carrying the weight of two broken, battered relationships
and a big heavy heart that’s covered with scars.
Who ever knew it would come to this?

Vengeful memories haunt me in the night
And I pray all this pain and suffering will finally subside,
Yet for you I’ll still stand strong.
Even worn out, I’ll keep holding on.
Yes I’ll BURN alight
in hopes of winning your fight.

You were my world.
All I think about now is how
you used to make me smile.
I drown in my sorrow when
I’m low, and
you were here for me.
If only
You were here all the time.
You said
such sweet things
and threw away
the inner critics haunting us
as you were listening to
how I felt everything was falling apart
how I cared about you and
Me, my words, and
You ignored
my flaws,
picking on
everybody else
hating on
us,
never actually believing in
what others said,
taking in
how I see you now
Truth is
You made me feel so deeply but
that shouldn’t be possible
and all I want is you, though
I must confess, I’m stuck on if onlys
Because unfortunately things have changed,

read the lines from bottom to top
to know more
since this is a reversible poem