My mouth is stretched into a parody of a smile
As I look into the mirror
I swallow down the rising bile
Try to make my vision clearer

I wipe the tears off my face
As I contemplate
Which choice would hold more grace?
I try not to deteriorate

I tell myself it’s okay
You don’t have to worry anymore
You can lock yourself away
Deep within your core

I try to still my mind
And look around for the last time
To this place that I will never again find
This enigmatic pantomime

Finally I close my eyes
And when they open I’m gone
My real self dies
And my conscious soul is withdrawn

I feel the force of the wind in my hair
And the cold winds blowing around me
The freezing calm and deadly storm
This sharp dagger of ice
That threatens to strike
My heart says no my soul says yes
But eventually my soul wins I guess

I let myself think of all the hurt I caused
The pain, the promises never kept
And let the emotions of loneliness and grief
Coupled with self loathing push me in deep

Ignoring the cold I walk inside
Not knowing or caring if I come out alive
Shivering a bit now, though my resolve doesn’t waver
I am enveloped by the storm
Now I become nothing at all

Stand tall
Stand proud
Stand strong
No matter what they say

You’re not we want
You never have been
Oh please just go away

What a disappointing child
A waste of our precious time
Her innocence has long since died
And monumental are her crimes

I look straight at them and smile
As they spew this poison forth
Willing myself to face the trial
This calculation of my worth

I remind myself to hide
And hold my head up high
For behind the facade of pride
I cannot help but cry inside

I try my best to insult
Openly defying
For there is no use in trying
To delay the sure result

They want to see me broken
They want to make a point
But I won’t ever be soft spoken
I’m sorry to disappoint

I lie through my teeth
A smile on my face
A quip on my lips
And a plan rushing through my brain

I cast my bait
I stop and wait
So you believe the fake I am
I pull you close and hug you
Only to stab you in the back

I warn you not to cross me
And you think it’s merely an act
Little do you know that
It is too well planned for that

I let you through my walls
So in the end you’re shocked
When I do exactly as I promised
And I walk away still locked

So you take your leave
Quickly and cautiously
Lest I hurt you
Or pretend to be your friend
Try to make you trust me
Just to betray you in the end

At last you finally say
With a grimace upon your face
When someone says they loved me once
‘Oh the game she had you play’

I’m better off without her
That creature who’s insane
The cheat
Liar
Manipulator

One without any compassion
One who will never know love
Loyalty or friendship
Something she works with hand in glove
But is beyond her understanding
Frozen like her heart
She will never have it
They will always be kept apart

Little do you know
That my nights and all my days
Are filled with the memories
Of the people I have crazed

It wouldn’t have hurt this monster (wouldn’t it?)
To lock herself away
Away from the few
Who did not condemn her
(openly at least)
To use their words against them
(far too much experience with that)
To keep her soul awake
Running from the demons
That she’s always had to face

The cruel whispers and the voices
That goad her into thinking
That all she’s ever good for
Is her lying and her tricking

And as I perch on the windowsill
Begging for death’s embrace
I stop myself knowing
That the only absolution
My only reprieve
Will come if I am living
Haunted and tortured for all my days

I edge away from the darkness
Afraid of the unknown
I find myself in the moonlight
Lucid and lone

The stars shine bright
They show me I’m not alone
Instead they laugh and dance and sing
With no care at all in the world

After days they make me smile
Every day they remind me of life
Soon I laugh instead of cry
And now I stand tall in the night

The people watching me believe
That I was always strong and brave
And now I no longer hide

For though I may not see them here
I know that they are always there
Watching and waiting
To take me home
When I just don’t care
About what I am

How many times I cried
How many times I begged
Don’t take me there
Not ever
I’ll do anything I swear

She glared at me with unfeeling eyes
As she always has
But in that moment
I just didn’t care
And waited for her to spare

She dragged me to the pool without a thought or care
The place where I had drowned before
And no one had been aware
I shudder as I remember what happened on that day
The water all around me choking my life away

She pushed me in the deep and walking away she said
“Try to go for good this time, and don’t come back again”
Silent tears slid down my face
Even though I knew
How foolish it was of me
To think that she wouldn’t go

I swam and swam
But tired at last
I sank down to the ground
Ready to die and accepting
That it was to be this way

I saw you waiting there
At the other end
Even though it wasn’t true
I still believe you were there
And you said
“Stay”

And I believed
In a better life and hope
I pulled myself out and walked away
No longer wanting that rope

I remember seeing you
In the front of the class
Standing like it was second nature to you
In front of a mass

I thought you were good
But returned to my world
As I reminded myself that I am alone

Imagine my surprise when you walked BEHIND to see
In my tiny corner
All eyes on me

I stared at you for a while
Barely believing my eyes
Thinking you’d leave and then forget

You stayed and sat
For three straight days
Cracking your jokes and destroying my walls
Making me laugh like I had lost nothing at all

A few days later
It was back again
To haunt me
To tell me
Never again

But you saw right through me
Right then you knew
What was wrong and what to do

I was only a step away from
Becoming friends with you
You understand me like no one ever could
Yet there’s one thing that no one would
Think of
Believe
Or wonder about me
The child who is quiet
But happy and alone

I feel anger
Not because they don’t see
But because they never wanted to
You tried
My friend
And for that I’m glad
But I always knew it was too much to ask

I sit on my bed
With the gun to my head
Not crying nor weeping
But simply still
Thinking about you
The only thing
Giving purpose to my life
While I try to ****

I’m sorry that it had to be this way
I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye
But I warned you that day when you sat by my side

I am the one
The one who couldn’t be healed
Simply because no one wanted to try

I ask this first
To myself each day
When I open my eyes
Everyday I say
Would you like it?
If you were to sleep and never wake
Lying still with thoughts
Echoing in your brain
The verses come alive
With my feelings they rise
Mostly angry yet full of grief
Never to be heard and never to slake
The thirst for understanding
For someone to know
Exactly what I am going through

Is my life how I presume
Or for others to model
As something of no use
Do I have any loved ones
That stand around me
Shielding, protecting and calming me
Will their presence ever put me at ease?

Is the strength to speak
Too much to need?
People around me may see
A person happy innocent and free
Nobody knows that deep inside
The chains of oppression and woe
Will never set me free
Sometimes, no always, I wonder
What is to be treasured in life?
Why do we smile while we cry inside

At times of weakness
I admit
Happiness and bliss have clouded my mind
But as I grow
They fade and they go
And now the things that used to make me smile
Are the ones that come to mind when my eyes fill with tears
And I wish with all my might
That my soul would take flight

The world of colour
Now I cannot see
It is full of black
And white to me
However well I try to paint
The walls of my prison still remain
Deep inside my heart I know
That how hard I try
I cannot let go

My voice stays silent
My mouth stays shut
I break down inside
And completely give up
I will not move
I will not leave
But somehow I don’t wish to stay
My will is simply not enough
To let me leave
Till I have had much more than enough

Why does the world work this way
Offering a hopeless choice
To someone much too afraid to say
Someone good and kind
Who waits and hopes
Not knowing how dangerous it is to do so
Not knowing at all how easy it is
To take a sharp knife and slit your wrists
To finally let go

I dream of doing this
For days on end
But cowardice trumps reason
And at the end I remain
Broken by treason
My heart is crushed
Not by the world
But by the one who I thought
Loved me the most
Why am I not worth it?
Why am I alone?
I’ve learned to accept it
And exist on my own

What defines you?
Your family? Friends? Relatives too?
I throw my head back in sweet laughter
Even though I’m sad
Asking if you think that I
Have somebody who cares

You say don’t give up
You say I don’t know
That the people who love me
Are always close

I wonder what you mean
When you say this with a smile
Who would WANT to love me
Even though you say I have a sweet smile

I reply I don’t know
And there’s nothing to say
Because my meaning is ebbing away
Nothing defines me
Nothing ever will
For I am somebody
Who will never be filled

Shut up, they say
Stop talking
You do this every day
I can hear their words mocking
Even when I’m far away

Your words are poison, snake
Speaking remains a mistake
They cause my bones to ache
As they try to make me break

So weak that tricks are your only refrain
Coward who doesn’t fight fair
Is it fair, the pain?
That they inflict upon me
Is it wrong to be defensive and scared?

The consequences of my pride
Bring me more malice than I deserve
But their lack of compassion
Is what I would rather preserve

My words serve me well
But are no use against them
So quite often I sit still and I dwell

I wonder if they’re right to treat me as such
I wonder whether trickery is wrong
The words are the cause for my success
But It’s why I’d never belong

They say I am disloyal
A disappointing sight
In a place where others are royal
I am too useless to fight

Now I spend my days away
From everyone outside
My days stay grey
As I continue to hide

Lonely I remain
Too tired to feign
For my speech maybe overgrown
But still I am alone

You say you love me
You always will
Little do you know
That life isn’t still

I don’t dare to believe you
Too quick to think
That one day you’ll leave me
Alone and tricked

Even though I trust you
Know that I’m scared
And I am aware that
Other people don’t care

I’ve always looked out for myself in every way
But I won’t deny it got much easier that day
You walked into my life when I was afraid and alone
And I feel like you have made me completely whole

I love you my friend
So don’t condemn me when I say
I’ve packed a suitcase
For that inevitable day