It was lust we were building.
Moving in the dark, all elbows and ankles.
Found each other’s lips, leaned in for a kiss,
the first of what would be countless that night.
Your mouth tasted of strawberries and wine.
On the stereo, our favourite song.

You said ‘I love this song’,
peering out the window at an opposite building,
one hand clinched around a glass swollen with wine.
We still wore our socks, cuddling our ankles,
and we kept them on throughout the night.
In my head, replaying each previous kiss.

We’d never wanted to kiss
like this before - as soon as one song
ended we did it again, the night
oozing like a wound into early morning, the building,
our bodies alight with desire, ankles
knocking between sips of wine.

We soon finished off that bottle of wine.
Drained my glass of red, placed a kiss
on your shoulder, shuffling my feet, my ankles
into a more cosy position as a new song
kicked in, swirled into the building,
a hot breeze of music disturbing the night.

I didn’t want it to be just one night.
There was more to discover and plenty more wine,
every word we spoke echoing through the building.
I could savour your smile with every kiss,
loved your freckles, the daisy tattoo near your ankles.
It felt like writing our own story, the lyrics to a song.

But you didn’t want to hear our song.
At the end of the night
you went cold. I wrapped my arms round my ankles.
I felt sure you’d gone off me. Maybe it was the wine.
My lips were anesthetised from every kiss -
when I asked what was wrong, you said 'get out this building.'

Something had changed; I didn’t know what. Night dissolved into day. We stopped listening to Kiss.
Your lipstick stains the colour of wine on my neck. Was it the final time I’d see your naked ankles?
I took a mental photograph of the building as I left, though I’ve forgotten it since. But not yet our song.

when he says your name you swear it's like nothing you've ever heard before
you taste his on your lips before you realise that you know it
and you feel the metallic taste of iron and blood mixing together
pooling underneath your ribcage
as the others call you a soldier
(but since when has killing for nothing meant the same thing
as fighting for something)
clarity is not in your vocabulary
neither is love
or hope
but you feel them threading through your veins like they were always there
you've forgotten how it feels to remember
your life is a series of ones and zeros but he
he is more than you will ever know
you're not sure why he loves you
{ you are ice and metal and a **** streak
over two dozen assassinations in the past fifty years }
but he swears,
words pressed into the small of your back,
that he does
and you believe him
you're not sure when it was the last time you felt something other than
the electricity or the thawing ice
(his hand in yours brings tears to your eyes
you don't really know why)
you sometimes wonder how he does it
how he loves you
how he can stand to see you every morning
one night, you ask him
and he tells you, quiet, that it helps make up for all the mornings
he woke up without you
(you're pretty sure you're dreaming, but when your hand finds his
it feels real)
you still feel the heartbeats of the targets
you still see them when you go to sleep
the tick marks have become a part of you and they are
inked into your skin like they belong there
they pulled out your lungs while you were still breathing
electric hands scooping you hollow
but he would carve out his own to give them to you
if he had the chance
and you aren't really sure if that scares you or not
when you wake up, screams bleeding from your teeth,
sweat dripping down your back
he whispers memories into your fingertips
and somehow
everything seems like it could be okay

he remembers your touch but not your face
maybe if you hold on a little tighter he'll respond with a smile
he's archaic and you're a battlefield
you were never meant to touch in the first place
acute lines connecting against the laws of science
he's a geometry problem, roughness against blood vessels
his hips jut out from under his shirt
you press your thumbs against them and breathe
try not to ***** yourself on his ribcage
he'll kiss you like he means it but his eyes will cloud when you look into them
he doesn't always recognise your voice
you kiss him anyway you hold him close like maybe if your hearts beat in time for long enough he'll start to feel it
the first time he looks at you with eyes that belong to him you think your lungs might close up
he sketches you, fingers trailing like stardust over skin and jutting bone
you used to dig a knife into the palm of your hand just to make sure you would bleed like everybody else
he used to dig a knife into the upper-left side of his chest just to make sure he was really human
you cradle your scars together
LIVEDIELIVEREPEAT
the pain's more bearable with him
you hold him when he has nightmares and he holds you when you can't take living
(all that you used to know is gone;
you're all each other has left
survivors of a lost age)
life is a series of compromises
you've already made enough for one lifetime

wring your mismatched hands together they don't belong to you but they're still yours
you watch old reels, the war replaying on a silver screen
relearning a past you still don't remember (your hair used to be short, but you like it better long)
your smile is crooked when you look at him
you don't know if it's fondness or hatred (or something in the middle,the point between rage and bone-breaking love)
he'll never understand how easy it is to make men into machines
but the blueprints for your breathing patterns are hidden away in ones and zeroes in the back of your mind
your tongue and teeth are stained with your old body, ten thousand lifetimes ago you still feel your arm sometimes
ghost aches haunting your every step
when you close your eyes you see an ashtray, blood filling your eyesockets like saltwater
you've forgotten about that night (1942, the war playing in the background as you looked at him, soft around the edges) stars falling from his palms into your chest
you're an ampersand, your fingers interlocked with his
when you ask him what it was like
(you aren't sure what you mean, but he is) he says, soft around the edges,okay
and it's enough
war isn't pretty, it's a tragedy and so are you but it's enough for now
press your fingers into the sway of his back
cough russian winter into his lungs
and try to forget about it

Tell me about the garden again,
        tell me this is our last night on earth and you just want to know that it's real
                                tell me fairytales. Tell me
this is everything you've ever dreamed of
                 and more.
Kiss me with whiskey lips and cigarette teeth
                        kiss me like you'll never have a chance to kiss someone again. I want to feel you. I want to taste callous remarks
        on your tongue
                 give them to me, give me everything and then give me more. Sing to me
                                write me ten thousand sonnets and recite them
        ignite everything we've ever been.
                                                              This is your chance. Tell me about
                         the vines.
Tell me a thousand things, and more, and more. Drink me in, like this,
                sprawled out on your bed, laughing like it's the end of the world. We don't have much time.
                                       Let's end it all, hangman's rope and a burning will,
        or let's stay a little longer.
I want to hear your voice again. Tell me how we're ruined.
                Tell me how I'm ruining you,
                                        and how you love it.
Tell me about tomorrow.
                                                        It's the only one we have left.

On that day,
On that very day,
Somewhat,
Seventy years ago.

From the train,
You dangled,
Almost there hang in there,
Buck.

Almost there,
Stretch and reach,
Grab my hand,
We'll be reunited soon.

Creak and grunt,
Crack and scream,
Panic,
Fear.

Fingers collide,
Slipping through,
Rail snaps,
Fall.

That scream you screamed,
Terrified as you fall,
Farther and farther,
Screams.

"Bucky!"
"Steve!"
My screams your screams,
Gone.

Impact,
Injuries,
No light,
No arm.

Dead,
Dead in the snow,
Dead in the mountians,
No.

Seventy years past,
Seventy years ago,
Seventy years later,
Seventy years now.

A man,
Gun in hand,
Shaggy hair,
Determined face.

A man,
All in black,
Mask on face,
Metal arm.

My friend,
My foe,
My savior,
My killer.

I could never fight,
The one who gave me hope,
You gave me a chance,
Even when no one would.

I'm not gonna fight you,
I'm not gonna hurt you,
"Cuz I'm with ya till the end of the line,
Pal."

Now it's my turn to fall,
And your turn to watch,
Our turn all over again,
To watch in fear.

You gave me a life,
You gave me a brother,
You gave me a friend,
Why can't I return the favor?

You protected me,
I protected you,
You fought me,
I stayed with you.

From friend to foe,
We remain,
From friend to foe,
We stayed.

you should see the way they look at each other
as if the universe exists in the specks of their eyes
as if the sun and stars
were brought to their knees at the parting of his lips
both depraved of soft looks, soft lips, soft fingertips
they think their eyelash flutters go unnoticed
but you could practically feel
how the air softens around them
the earth herself couldn’t help but smile
and when they sneak glances at each other,
each when the other isn’t looking
there is an obvious moment of genuine awe
and i can see them fall head over heels again,
as if from the beginning
the moments and memories slow,
as a halo hovers above him,
galaxies gather to admire the angel and his lover

anything is possible when they’re together
death cannot grasp them,
disease and dissatisfaction try in vain
but the warmth they feel towards each other
fuels them for lifetimes to come
the red that bumps in his heart seeps through his smile
and for once,
the cold evenings that once were filled with eternal darkness
no longer feel so lonely
they don’t say it, but i see it
i see the way their pinkies brush when they walk together
and the way they admire the sunrise together

earth stopped rotating to give the lovers
a moment of silence
as the waves, foaming at the lips slowed,
and hover over the sand,
completely still in anticipation of impact
he stared at him then, and slowly took in the boy’s face
he focused on how his eyes glazed over when he was admiring the seagulls,
their wings outstretched in the pink purple sky
and he knew then
however many lifetimes he had to sacrifice
he would do so without hesitating
for the boy with smile lines that gathered at the corner of his eyes
for the boy who could make his heart speed and stop altogether
for the boy who, while so unaware, was so beautiful
in both their chests, they knew it was love,
and from both their eyes, they professed it

...

I let myself exhale,

And then lifted my head
And saw you
Your face a mixture of pleasure
And Worry
All captured between
the soft glow
Of a lamp that did not belong to us
And a shadow
that belonged to the night sky.
Furrowed brows, flushed cheeks, and a smile that became unsteadied by a blossoming happiness, and dread.

I knew it all too well myself.

"Thinking about old fears?" I asked, trying to balance softness with the intensity of the conversation I was embarking. My breathing was calm and even, but I felt buzzing underneath my skin, goosebumps sprinkling across exposed flesh in waves.

Your vulnerability has often asked for mine in return.

You nodded, "Yeah," with a too perfect smile still on your face, your eyes shut tight, and your head turned to the side,
As if you were telling yourself that you were being ridiculous before I could.

How many times have you had that silent conversation with yourself?
I would have asked... but that was for another time.
Instead, I moved my head a little to the side to mimic yours, and brushed my nose against yours, pressed my lips against yours, and sighed.

I think I said I loved you.

I think I gave another "my heart belongs to you" speech,

I think the contents of my heart overflowed into yours,

But all I remembered was seeing you cry.
Your big stormy eyes welled up, and tears fell, and you gasped
And hips almost stirred again
Almost went looking for the friction we created.
I slid my thumb across your face, tutted lowly into your ear, and let my full weight rest ontop of you.
My arms wrapped around the valleys of your torso, clutching you closer as the outlines that separated our bodies began to disappear.
Until your bones became my bones,
And the wounds you were tending to became my healed scars.
We only had days to be together, but our nights were infinite.

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I ache for you
In the night I burn for you
And my fingers try to replace you
My lips tight over my teeth
I scream when I can breathe again

I call for you
In the evening when I get home
And my key still doesn't work right
My hands shaking
I scream when silence is what welcomes me

I wake up for you
In the morning when I'm making coffee
And I wish I hadn't woken up
My mind drifting to dark places
I scream when I find my heart still beating

I stay whole for you
In the moments when the foundation is cracking
And the sink is leaking
My wallet too small to fix what's wrong
I scream when everything remains broken

I live for you
In the desolate hole of our home
And I wish that I didn't
My heart broken
I scream when I know that's what you want

I scream

Heroes aren't perfect.
They are broken pieces placed together to form a beautiful mosaic and yet they don't give up.
Their heart hasn't always known the 'right' choice, for they too have felt anger, doubt, pain and in the midst of those negative emotions they choose happiness.
Heroes aren't fearless.
How do you think they became heroes? By facing their fears head on, looking them in the eye while saying, "you do not control me anymore."
Being fearless means that you have never loved anything so much that losing it could break you.
Heroes are brave.
For when the final battle comes, they look at the world with bloodstained teeth and tears behind their eyes with a crooked, sinister smile and say,
"is that all you got?"