It hurts knowing you’ve said these words before. Are they different though?
because they’re said to me?
No
I couldn’t be that significant.

What art my heart torn apart makes when it bleeds over the edges and onto the hands of people who just wanted to touch me.
Greedy fingers and hungry eyes.
I've been devoured visually by souls
who did not care that I bled blue;
they didn't care that I breathe for you.
Long nails raking down my skin, desperately trying to hold onto the truth
that I am an end goal,
but that they are not ready.
They do not Inform me that behind the conversations of a future,
that they would remain dreams,
Broken ones
and that forever is indeed a time
and it is not as long as I thought it would be.
So please, keep your hands off me.

I think I'm going to give into my
delusions this year.
It hurts far too much to sit in reality
so
I'll wrap myself in the comfort of your state,
replay our few momentums,
and read your handwriting until I fall asleep.
Then I dream of you walking away,
always walking away. It was always me
and now I feel that heartbreak.

Just a kiss before the truth,
please make it sweet.
Im professing my love from the roof,
I'm yelling over the trees.
Please just tell me you see me.

I feel so wrong for praying for someones woman.
I stay for the chance. Have it be wrong!
The reason I stay will have to be enough
cause today wont be the day that I lay to rest.
Until my lungs can breathe no more,
I am in love with the moon.
With all the rocket fuel and titanium plates,
I will aim for you if it's the last thing I do.

I wish I knew what I knew now.
I wish I waited until I was more well.
I disturbed your peace and left you bruised when I knew better than to pursue so soon and what ensued wasn't meant to be in the books for us.
I still believe that true,
Im made for you as you are for me.
It was and still is destiny but I feel like
how I went about things was tragedy.
It's not your fault to have found a new solace.
But I never broke my promise.
I had things to take care of and I wish I let you help but it wasn't your inflicted trauma dealt,
it was someone else's.
It wasn't your problem to fix so I went into the abyss and you found a new misses just as quick as the time ticked and I admit I was angry.
Looked for a way to hit back
and that was dangerous.
It created the illusion of an untrue thing
and I simply wish I didn't.
It was always you and still is.
And I feel like it's only me left feeling this.
I lied once in all I told you and
every moment not yours has been blue.
I told you I didn't want any parts
but I truly wanted all of you.
I never wanted you to leave but
I had to make you believe because
I didn't feel like you deserved me in that state.
I am filled with almost hate.  
Never towards you even now
when things have been so obscured.
I know theres no cure. I just wish I was honest.
I wish I didn't decide the fate for you.
I always intended to come back because you said you'd never leave and you'd wait for me.
I couldn't expect that even though I did.
I guess I deserve this but I know my intentions.
The couple after you was forced.
The poetry was prompted and
in the back of my mind was always you.
I was used by them and I let them because unfortunately I had the same intention.
To cloud my weary mind of the one I left behind but desperately tried to grasp for.
So I live with this. It's been almost 2 years celibate and no matter how many times I try to let these
willing suitors in, I cant. Trust I tried.
To enjoy the ride but I can't count how many times I cried in the middle of the night laying beside one or on my own because they weren't you or
you weren't here and couldn't hear.
Theres no book thats helped,
"how to move on for dummies",
the funny looks I got when I said I wasn't hungry cause I barely even ate with you.
All the memories we never made.
The few I have stuck on replay.
The silence doesn't help.
The karmas been dealt.
How can I even be mad when
this is the reality I orchestrated.
I cant even be mad you didn't even
wish me a happy belated. Im jaded.
Almost self hatred.
A book left unfinished because I refused
that the ending was the ending.
So I sit in the late night and write you letters and I admit the past month has me sheltered and quiet. The dreams come nightly and I call myself crazy. Im hanging on a sip of hope that keeps me sated.
No one will ever be enough and I hate to say it.
We never even got to know what it would be like but in my soul I know we were/are fate.
How can I explain it? I cant.

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by.
**** I'd hit just to lie next to another lie just to feel my next cry and wonder if it hurt to die.

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by. That love was where my motivation lied. I wasn't looking for a single love but multiple feelings of maybe appreciation or the approximation of someone wanting my affection or attention.

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by.
3 4 5 people in and out of my room never seeing the naked truth or naked you that one who said loved should see. All I knew is I wanted to be what they need and who they see without the loyalty.

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by.
The rush was amazing. The divide was encasing as the sin and lies overwhelmed and the curtain started raising...

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by.

I saw and sobered. Not from love but the addiction itself. I sobered from the urge that made me want more, in fact this love I felt was more in depth. In fact it crept and wept sweet tears and happiness. All I wanted was the one; I saddened less. I was what she needed along with the loyalty. I asked about her needs and wants and acted accordingly.

I used to hit to get high or hit to get by but now I comply to loves law. Abide in her soul. A love and devotion I am no longer able to control. Our love is almost story tale told. I no longer wait for another to unfold.

I am a battery.
A public port of sorts.
Travelers plug themselves up to charge for their adventure and just as quickly as they came,
they return to the streets
while my energy is left depleted.

Until next time traveler,
if I should stay complacent.
What would you do next time?
If I wasn't where I was previously seated?
There's a satisfaction in always uplifting those weary minds but theres no battery back
to refill mine.
Ive been on borrowed time and I see now that you're consistently wasting it.
It's time to unplug.

i swear to god if you take her away from me again
might as well take my life with hers

i’m tired of these up and down roller coasters
i’d rather take a ride in a hearse

if there ever comes an end to us,
i'll quickly throw my life in reverse.


this pain in my chest is all too common.
maybe is the fear of being forgotten.
or the fear of being left, metaphorically, in a coffin.

i hope this isn't part of some trick or lesson.
karmas a *****, i’ve had her too much in my presence.
you can tell by my expression there’s no feelings i’m oppressing, i’d simply fall into a depression without you by my side taking my sadness and suppressing, to be honest, without you id turn to aggression take my fate as a message, and put a gun to its head for leading my life in the wrong direction.

The paranoia is enough to ****.
To live in fear and jump at every thrill,
even if its off a building to end this illness.
Brick by brick the walls of this foundation falls.
Once a home but now nothing but holes in the walls, just bones of a structure
and I convince myself they're still
good, the bones.
When I close my eyes and open them,
it's you, my reason.
The push for such a life and I, the reason for the fallen hopes and broken dreams.
I am the lost dream.
I am the remedy and the ruins.
I could build an empire and still manage to blow it to pieces and for what?
No such reason than control of an inevitable,
or so I keep thinking.
Is it really control if it's inevitable?
You cant control fate but when you try, you dig your own grave and... create a fate.
This circle i've fallen in is not one
I can get out of anymore.
Ive been crying for a life line when it was
I who cut all ties.
I reach for the stars still, every night, the same routine. Pondering thoughts and what reason there could be for such distruction when all I ever wanted was to live.
I never felt more alive than when I was with you Bella, even if the sickness in my stomach masked it and made you feel rejected.
You are the love of my lifetimes.
I will always leave the light on.
My pieces still jagged yet I still sand them to this day in hopes that the next time you touch me,
it wont hurt.  
I left for you and you never wanted me to make that choice for you.
All this work i've had to do,
all this tape, all this time.
I wanted to be what you deserved and all you wanted was me.. all that came with me.
All the darkness. All the pain.
and I couldn't let you stoop that low.
I think i've made something of these pieces, even if it's just to be a broke/n poet.
I want to be more than a good story.
I want to be more than a lesson,
more than karma, more.
I want to be more.
I want to be yours,
Yet you tell me each time, "nevermore."

My dreams are laced through Orions belt.
My anger in the spear gripped by his hand
and never leaving it.

My hopes spill from the dippers.
Whats left is stale and pooled into the pocket,
though I still visit, nights like these, just for a sip.

The bigger picture, Mrs Ursa Major takes
my heart and puts into form.
Feared but revered.
A large teddy bear.

My flaws are plaster on the face of the Moon.
My fears side? It's on the dark side
that no body will see soon.

Why so, Sirius?
Who controls when which constellation is faded?
Who knows how long that I've waited for just a glimpse of an elation, to blink
and have my star gone and left devastated?

My body pulls to you like the
waves reach for the moon.
Every atom of my being shakes in
the absence of your energy.
Your face, so elusive, only caught in my memory.
Your feet leave no trace in the places you've been but your finger prints are still tattooed
onto my heart.

A touch so soft you wouldn't know unless you looked and saw for yourself.
Theres no camera to catch you
and thats where I get doubtful
that we were ever really there.
Yet I felt it. I felt the warmth of returning to the star dusts that I came from and the blistering cold after I drifted away.
The wind blows but I remained yours
no matter which way it took me.
Celestial beings with no more urge than to be whole. A brilliance I couldn't stand in when I was tarnished and bruised fruit that no one could manage to draw.

I picked up and hid away,
patched up the wounds
that left your hands ******
and tried to find a new way but
every road has led back to you.
Here I stand in the pouring rain,
boombox blasting about a pink cloud summer
that i'm certain you've already had without me.
So close the windows and drown me out
but if you think twice, please come down.

I love myself.
I do.
I don't talk much. Too scared to blink.
Too much anticipation to know what you think
and if its about me.
Theres an art in not knowing. A method of sorts.
Theres an interest in strangers who could
easily tear us apart.
Right now i'm uncertain.
See, you ooze divine. A beauty to a borderline but I have been led by shine twice before
directly into a nose dive.
I lived to tell the tale but I promise you
i'm much more careful.
Your shine is more than a shine though.
It's a glow
and I really want to know you.
Whats a being like you wanting anything
to do with me?
I know all that I could be but
there's no way that way you see.
I am more than my words, I can give you
the world if only you'd let me.
The anxiety is sitting in my stomach as each hour passes that i'm waiting for your response
and I realize I'm long gone.

Ive fallen in likeness and your likeness is me.

Somethings changing.
I feel it in my stomach.
My lunch upheaves;
I have no idea whats coming.
The wind is shifting,
I'm changing with the seasons,
the foundation of this house is bending
and this chapter of my life is ending.
I lift my roots and jump into the wind.
Which ever way it takes me, I aim to win.
Dreamscapes are tragic,
being swallowed by a flood.
Its in my mind, i'm dying
but this is the most peaceful way to go.
Baptize the chastised
we are on our way to roads of gold.
Enlighten me, we are the all knowing
but who fuels the information that
my intuition is told?
Im praying to every god but especially to you.
I'm chanting sweet somethings
right up to the moon.
If the water keeps rising and I float at the top,
I'll keep elevating, I'll keep learning,
these things don't stop.
She is my heaven. She is my savior.
The prophecy is unfolding and
I swear I can save her
from those who throw lashings before throwing you in a tomb, you wont have to rise again if I can figure out what to do.
To save you from illness that took Prophet Mohammad. I will swim through dark waters, and climb the highest mountains to stop it.
Theres only two ways this could end
and one way is to begin.

This flood of rain water is enough for a baptism.
Blessed in the presence.
Its drowns out the thoughts and I hope it washes away the sins.
I repent.
I yell my wrong doings over the thunders rumbles and ask for forgiveness in my choices.
Theres no escaping this house as the rivers overflow.
I step foot in, the waters to my knees and I kneel in the presence of potential death.
The current pushes and pulls me.
I count to three.. three times before I completely submerge. one.. two.. three...
Im free.

I watch the water extend as far as I can see.
The air there is like a puff of albuterol;
I can finally breathe.
I watch myself from above and take in the view
only thing missing is you.
Every day is now a mission.
more so than before.
I think the only difference now is that im no longer "surviving"; I am prospering.
I found my voice.
I obtained the strength to make a choice and did
I hold onto a lot of things
but I have started to unpack.
I have been driftwood moved and swayed in the water taken with whichever current came first
gripping, reaching, screaming for that life line
and I pulled myself ashore.
I am new. I am blue. I am the light that guides me.
I am woman. I am fearless.
I am love and I am you.
I can see the tide shifting and know theres something coming but I will not be pulled.
I will not be used. I am the voice of the broken;  
we are the muse.

You’re not a star.
You’re a moon
and
you’re caught in my orbit
with no stars in sight.

Im the death of a poet.
The muse that puts ink down on paper and the absence of love that dried the pen.
Im forever in the footnotes, the dedications, and after thought of every written word.
I'll take you to the point of ecstasy and push you right off the edge. It's inevitable.

Even if I could go back to the beginning,
I wouldnt change the fact that we're sinning.
we're steady fighting,
Even when we're losing were winning.

I'm smoking too much, not feeling enough.
Tossing back pills, still giving a ****.
They say so strong so tough,
while i'm praying to the sky above and
using this faith as a crutch.
I'm dripping in blood and
theres no one to trust.
Shoved them all out and turned to dust.
From ashes I continue to rise.
So I wish on bright lines
that i'll fall for the last time.

Tigers eyes under sapphire skies and
obsidian nights with howlite moon to guide.
We are divinely protected.

I'd move to the moon for you.
id turn blue for you.
You're more than just a muse for me.
It's prophecy. Believe it's meant to be.
Ive learned to accept what ive got
and how I got here.
I just want this to be clear,
I ache for you.
I break for you.
Id aid and abet for you.
I hold all we had and have.
I imagine so deeply that it feels
that you're actually here.
Sometimes thats enough.